


Do me a favour and break my nose

by joseyposey



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gangs, Introspection, M/M, POV First Person, Smut, a lil bit of angst, finally got there, kind of inspired by Durarara, this is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, yep now there's actual smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-08-08
Packaged: 2018-01-10 06:04:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 107,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joseyposey/pseuds/joseyposey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Now, listen, kid, and you listen good.”</p><p>His voice was in my ear again and this time its latent danger was unmistakable. “Rabid animals are put down, as they are a danger to themselves and others.” </p><p>Eren's in some deep shit, almost certainly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I said don't fucking move.”

My face was violently pressed down into the asphalt as the voice hissed in my ear. I couldn't see a thing even though my eyes were wide open. I widened them until I thought they must surely tear at the seams. Even though this eliminated any doubt I might have had of them being closed, it did not comfort me, as the fact remained; my eyesight was gone.

The world I was currently existing in consisted of a uniform black, and had it not been for the dull ache of pain testifying the existence of my physical being, my consciousness could just as well have been floating separately in a dark void.

My ears were still ringing with the hefty blow I'd received mere seconds before. It had rendered me incapable of doing any logical thinking, as my consciousness retreated to somewhere in the back of my mind, where it adopted the role of a passive bystander. I could only act on instinct.

  
When I squirmed in an attempt to escape from underneath the heavy weight that was pinning me to the ground, I only received another shove to the head so that I could actually feel the gravel under my cheek start to sink into the skin. My neck was stretched in such a way it felt like it was going to snap at any moment. I groaned in pain.

“Shut the fuck up, and stay down.”

I felt my body go limp, from exhaustion or pain, I could not know - the authority of the voice was not a figment of my imagination either. I made an effort to calm my heavy breathing, which was no easy feat as my heart was racing in kind. The cold hands that were securing my arms behind my back in a bruising grip vanished, and the voice sounded again, calmer but just as commanding. “Don't move.”

The words echoed in my ears for a time before I could make any sense of them. Fine, I wouldn't move, I don't even think I could have if I had wanted to. The person went off somewhere and the only sounds left in my world were my greedy lungs sucking oxygen from the air and the hammering of my heart, together creating what sounded like some strange experimental musical piece, only using percussion.

The evasive thoughts floating about in my head could only provide me with the knowledge that I was in some seriously deep shit, and that I had been exceptionally stupid. The awareness of my situation was repeated in my head like a mantra, a mantra which served no practical purposes, whatsoever. If anything it made me incredibly dizzy. 

Gradually, my eyesight came back to me. The blackness transformed itself into a static, which in turn gave way for a sleeker more realistic darkness that I recognised as belonging to the night. Of course it would be night. I knew that. When I realised that my eyes were still working, I felt a massive surge of relief course through me. My breathing eventually slowed down and so did my heartbeat. I rolled over onto my back, finding it easier to breathe that way.

“Fuck,” I gasped, as pain started to spread throughout my body even as the adrenaline in my veins was retreating. I shut my eyes again, willing to go back to the comforting blackness I'd inhabited moments ago and wishing for the pain to go away. I let out a particularly loud whine, which was cut short as I felt a boot connect with my side. I doubled over into a ball to shield myself.

“Are you mentally deficient? What did I tell you?” The voice was back and it was dripping anger all over me. I could feel it burn into my skin in a way I imagined acid would. I wasn’t sure if he actually expected a coherent reply from me. Regardless, I was in no shape to provide him with it. “Get the fuck up, before I fucking change my mind and leave your sorry arse here.”

A hand was grabbing me by the back of my collar and forced me to stand, albeit precariously, on my feet. I was about to fall over when I felt a strong arm grab me around my waist and support my weight. I could hear the person muttering something under his breath as he manoeuvred us down the alley. My head was still spinning and I found it hard to string my thoughts together, as they felt very much like weightless paper sheets fluttering about in the night, easily scattered by the faintest hint of a breeze.

“You should probably go to the hospital.”

His voice was a clipped monotone. It occurred to me that he might have said these words a hundred times before.

The darkened street before us was swaying back and forth like we were walking on a rope bridge on a windy day. I made a non-committal sound as I shook my head - or tried to, it was more of a jerk to one side before I realised it hurt too much. He seemed to understand though, or he simply didn’t care, for he didn't say anything.

We reached the mouth of the alley. The streetlights were giving the asphalt a sickly yellow hue. I’d always hated that colour, it made me feel nauseous.

The arm let go of me, and I would have fallen flat on my face if the man hadn't shoved me onto a bench that had suddenly appeared on the sidewalk.

“Ow, what the – “

“Shut it, wankfuck.”

He walked to stand right in front of me and fixed me with a glare that made me want to crawl away and hide. I hadn't had the opportunity to look at him properly before this moment and now I desperately wanted to look away, but at the same time I really didn’t. I could not be sure if it was due to my head nearly having been smashed in, but to my delirious mind, his eyes seemed to be giving off a terrifying glow that genuinely scared the shit out of me, and I found myself trembling for the first time that night.

He wasn't too tall, but his intimidating, hostile demeanour made up for it tenfold, it was a testament to his being, making him seem more like a giant than anything else. He was wearing all black, to which his pale face was a stark contrast. His forehead was half concealed by the fringe of his black hair, and when he turned his head I could see that it was styled in a smooth undercut. I felt my body start to slide sideways on the bench but he didn't let me. “Oi, you shit. Pull it together.”

He yanked me back up and pushed me roughly into the backrest of the bench. His hand was curled in the fabric of my shirt as he bent down to look me level in the eye. “You just got really lucky, you hear me?” His voice was smooth, soft. I wished I could touch it.

“Those guys don't fuck around. They would have killed you if they'd thought you were worth the time.”

The words coming out of his mouth were too hard to focus on, so I opted to take this moment of close proximity to study his features closely. His skin looked so smooth, his cheekbones were sharp, his nose was thin, and so was his lips, and his jaw was angular. I thought maybe I could cut myself on those sharp features, and I found that I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to that. Everything about him was smooth and sharp, I decided. Smooth and sharp.

“Jesus fuck, looks like they beat out the few brain cells you had. Oi, are you even listening?” His brows knit in obvious annoyance. He gave me a shake and I nodded slowly with what I thought was a serious look on my face. Damn, it felt like I was drunk. He looked at me with an expression that said something along the lines of, “why do I even bother”. Exasperated, he shook his head.

“You look like a bloody mess, brat.”

I felt a cold hand press against my face and I instinctively flinched away, but his other hand seized my jaw in a vicelike grip as he proceeded to turn my face left and right, presumably assessing the damage. He brushed away what I assumed must have been the gravel I'd felt digging into my flesh as he was crushing me into the ground. The touch was surprisingly gentle, a contrast to his previous actions.“At least your pretty face didn't suffer too much damage.” It was a purr of his voice, a flicker of his eyes and a ghost of his breath on my face. An involuntary shiver went down my spine.

He straightened up and procured a sleek black phone from his coat pocket. He threw a look down the deserted street as he put the phone to his ear. “I'm calling you a cab, brat. Considering your apparent lack of cognitive abilities, I guess it would be a miracle if you’d remember where you live?”

He was looking at me again, with a blank expression. My cognitive abilities were, in fact, on the mend, as my thoughts didn't flit away the moment they sprang into existence. I thought I might even be able to form a coherent sentence.

“I do - and stop insulting me,” it took some effort, and after that I didn't particularly feel like saying anything else. It was too tiring and it kind of hurt, especially in my throat and in my chest.

“You're a stupid fuck and that’s the reality of it.”

I just closed my eyes as I felt my innate bad temper throw off some sparks at his aggravating words. I was actually relieved to sense it again, because it told me that I was slowly going back to normal. It still wasn’t enough to get me into one of my fits, and in the light of my current condition, I wouldn’t stand a chance in a scrap. At any rate, I wasn’t stupid enough to try anything with this guy. By the look of him, he could probably peel off my skin like you would an apple, and still have that stoic expression intact.

I heard him talking into his phone while I lifted my hands to feel my face. He was right; it didn't feel like my face had taken too much damage. Sure, it was covered in cuts and bruises, and my left eye felt kind of swollen and my jaw felt numb, but it wasn't anything substantial. However, there was a nasty cut underneath my swollen eye and I winced when I touched it. Shit, I thought.

“You won't need stitches, it's not that deep.” When I opened up my eyes I saw that he had ended his phone call and was eyeing me with an indiscernible look. I looked right back at him. Who even was he? He hadn't been one of the guys who'd beaten me up, so where had he come from? Had he just happened to stroll by and decided to be a good Samaritan? To be fair, he had been pretty rough and he definitely didn’t come off as a saint.

“Who even are you?” I said, trying not to sound like a snotty brat, which I pretty much failed at.

“Funny, I was about to ask the same.”

I was slightly confused by that. Why would he ask _me_ that? “What do you mean?”

He arched an eyebrow at me. “Don’t you know the English language?” He took a step closer and I tried not to look as intimidated as I felt. “Who, indeed, can you possibly think you are, when you’re thick enough to waltz around this part of town like you’re entitled to some kind of respect?” His eyes were twinkling with something like amusement, I couldn’t really tell.

“If you’re so desperate to get your arse killed, there’s less painful ways to go about it, you know, as they don’t entail being beaten into a bloody pulp first.”

I felt my face flush with anger and embarrassment. If his words weren’t enough, the slight sneer on his face made it clear that he was ridiculing me. The look on him lit the fuse inside of me, and I felt my temper flare up in a matter of seconds. Any previous thoughts I’d had of not trying anything with this guy flew from my mind in an instant. I jumped up from the bench and was about to connect my fist with his perfect, smooth face, when the dizziness returned to my head and a foot came out to trip me up as I stood.

I found myself in a familiar position on the ground and this time I felt the gravel enter my mouth. The man’s strong hands were back on my wrists, which were pinned to my back as before and his knee was planted in the small of my back. Why did he keep doing this?  
I couldn’t see his face, but I imagined his sneer widening, and it made me livid. This was the second time in the course of one day that I’d been pushed to the ground like that, and I felt my pride hurting a million times more than anything else. I couldn’t allow this to happen. “Easy there, brat,” his voice came as smooth as before, like he hadn’t exerted himself at all. “You’re still injured, you’ll hurt yourself.”

“Get the fuck off!”

I heaved my body and tried to throw off his weight, but it was futile. His grasp on my hands was uncompromising to the point that I knew the skin would bruise and I thought that my spine might fracture from the knee he was presently burying into my back.  
I entered a state of white-hot anger. The desire to hurt, to bury my fists into his flesh, to feel warm blood on my knuckles, to feel the bones crush from the force, possessed me until that was all my being consisted of – destruction.

“My, my, he’s like an animal,” I heard him murmur through my haze, and it did nothing to calm me down. I thrashed wildly to get him off of me, and for one brief moment I thought I had been successful, as I felt one hand relinquish its hold on my hands, only to feel it bury into my hair a millisecond later and wrench my face up from the ground with such brutal force I thought my head would come off my shoulders. The incredible pain it inspired caused me to step out of my violent haze momentarily, and I froze as I gasped for air, since it became impossibly hard for me to draw breath this way.

“Now, listen, kid, and you listen good.” His voice was in my ear again and this time, its latent danger was very palpable. “Rabid animals get put down, as they’re a danger to themselves and others.” He tugged on my hair, as if to make sure I was paying attention, and I was positive I felt some of the hairs disconnect with my scalp as he did so. At this point the tears were streaming down my face, which was twisted in what I assumed was a rather gruesome expression of agony.

“Nobody likes it when a newcomer rears his ugly head. You should take some time to reconsider your choices – you might just find it would be preferable to crawl back under the rock from whence you came.”

Just when I thought I would pass out from lack of oxygen he let me go. His knee left my back and his hands disappeared. I heard the rustle of fabric as he stood up.

“If you can’t handle the game, I suggest you find something else to do, brat.”

I was heaving for breath again whilst cursing the man as eloquently as I could in my mind. When I rolled over onto my back to look at him, I noticed the absence of the sneer I so vividly had conjured up. He was studying me with a disinterested look.

His gaze shifted to the street. “Looks like your cab’s here,” his gaze returned to me. “You should probably get up.”

I didn’t have a voice to respond with, so I settled for communicating all my hate through my eyes. That was when he smirked. With a grace that should not have been endowed to any human being, he turned around and started walking down the street.

“See you around, Jaeger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was scary. Now, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but it's sure going to be one hell of an Odyssey for me, at least.
> 
> Thanks for reading - I hope you liked it! And as this work is completely un-betaed I apologise for any typos and other mistakes that may occur.
> 
> Cheers!


	2. Chapter 2

After having reassured the cab driver about twenty times - I’m sure - that I was okay and that he didn’t have to drive me to the hospital, and that there really was no need to call the police either, I saw his previously concerned mien turn into one of suspicion, as I watched his eyes narrowing at me in the rear-view mirror. I suddenly felt very self-conscious and avoided his shrewd look. Gazing out the window, I watched the dark run-down buildings of the neighbourhood pass us by.

 “So, you’re one of them, huh?”

 My eyes locked on the blur of shapes rushing by outside. An irrational nervousness heralded itself in the pit of my stomach, and I decided to pretend I hadn’t heard him speak.

 “Hey, kid. I’m talking to you.”

  _Kid._ An epithet I seemed to be stuck with, and also a reminder of someone I didn’t particularly wish to think about in that exact moment. The anger that lay dormant in me woke as it was prodded, but with some effort I willed it to fall asleep again. 

 I slowly turned to look at the man, or at least I met his eyes in the mirror, and adopted a mask of calmness. “Excuse me, sir?” I kept my voice cold.

 His suspicious gaze was unwavering. “I said, you’re one of them, aren’t you? We don’t need this kind of thing going on in town. It’s bad enough as it is.”

 The tone in which he said this reminded me of a teacher I’d had in middle school, a hypocritical bastard who treated everyone – especially me – like mindless scum, who neither could nor would be able to succeed at anything in life.

 It would be naïve of me to think that I could brush this off, so I let myself feel the irritation spread through my body like wildfire, quickening my pulse and making me shiver imperceptibly.

 “Sorry, I’m afraid I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

 I was unable to keep the bile out of my voice and the contempt from my face. I wanted to be out of this confined space already. I returned my attention to the world outside, but I didn’t see anything, just a prickling on my line of vision as I heard my pulse beating in my ear.

 I could still feel the man eyeing me in the mirror and I felt an all-encompassing urge to smash his ugly face into the steering wheel, even if that meant we’d crash and die.

 We turned left and drove down a miserable street that looked just like any other street in this god-forsaken town. I had the door halfway open before the car had come to a full stop. I reached for the wallet in my back pocket – equal parts grateful and amazed that it was still there – and threw some bills at the driver. “Cheers,” I said before stepping out. I cringed a little when the sudden movement called my attention to the fact that I was hurting everywhere.

“Stay out of trouble, kid.”

 He was watching me through the window with an expression I couldn’t take.

 “Go fuck yourself.” I let my restraints go and slammed the door closed with as much force I as could muster. The window didn’t shatter, as I’d hoped it would, and so I walked off less satisfied than I wanted to be.

 I awkwardly made my way up to the dismal one-storey building I called my home. Our walkway barely fitted the description as such, what with the majority of the tiles being loose and/ or broken in pieces that would trip you up if you weren’t attentive. Some of them had been stolen, leaving behind gaps in the irregular path that led to our front door. Fleetingly, my mind mused on how that could be used as a metaphor for my life.

 Leaning down to extricate the door key from its relatively poor hiding place in a flower pot by the doorstep, I almost had a heart attack when the door suddenly flung open to nearly hit me in the face. I stumbled back as I lost my balance. When I looked up I was presented with one singularly infuriated older sister standing in the doorway.

 “Get inside.”

 ________________ 

 The room was mostly dark, save for a sliver of sickly orange light that imposed itself through an opening in the curtains. It spilled its loathsome essence on the scruffy carpet of our living room floor. It irked me so, so much but my every attempt at closing the gap and shutting the ray of light out, issuing from a streetlamp outside, had been unsuccessful so far. Eventually I just settled for glaring at it, whilst trying to ignore the searing looks my sister was sending me through the darkness.

 She was standing on the other side of the room, arms crossed and as it was, she seemed to be endeavouring to carbonize me with the sheer power of her coal black eyes. Wound up tight where I was sitting on the lumpy sofa, I was enduring it as best I could. I really hadn’t wanted her to see me like this, but I should have known that, when she discovered my absence, she would wait until I was returned safely – ah, until I was returned, anyways. 

 When it became unbearable I sighed and relaxed my shoulders, in what I hoped she would take as a sign of appeasement.

 “Mikasa,” I spoke her name in a quiet voice, not entirely sure what kind of explanation I should follow up with, but was spared the effort as she abruptly cut me off.

 “Eren, you can save it. I’m not interested in listening to you spewing lies at me; it’s getting kind of old.”

 Presently, I heard her moving towards me through the dark. I still didn’t dare to look at her. Not because she was angry with me, but because I feared the hurt and disappointment I would find in her eyes.

 The sofa dipped as she sat down next to me. I kept my gaze locked on the sprawl of light on the floor, even though it made my gut churn. I could feel her staring at the side of my face. “You look like shit.”

 I tried to brush it off with a shrug of my shoulders. “Yeah, well, you know... I was walking along, and then there were these guys, and yeah… They - it got pretty rough and, so, they beat me up and they… stole my wallet.” 

 I couldn’t see the look on her face. “How did you pay for the fare?” she asked.

 My silence was like an epic poem; endless and pregnant with tragic eventuality.

 Mikasa let out a breath that would have been inaudible had it not been for the peculiar silence that had enveloped us in this room in this moment in time, erasing all the sounds in the universe in that instant.

 “Does that hurt?” She put a hand on my shoulder and forced me to look at her. Her voice wasn’t distant and cold like before. It was softer; the sound of it comforting, and it was the only thing that made me able to turn to face her.

 She studied my face in the scant light that came from the window, brows furrowed, as she looked my injuries over. “That doesn’t look good,” she was about to do a closer inspection of the cut beneath my swollen eye, but I caught her hand before she could touch it. I had only just resigned myself to the throbbing pain it relayed and I didn’t need her poking at it.

 “It’s fine, I won’t need stitches.”

 I bit the inside of my cheek as a certain someone was announced in my mind. I swallowed as I tried to suppress the lingering flames of fury that never seemed to truly to die out. “I think I’m going to go get some sleep.”

 I stood and was about to head straight for my room, but I hesitated and looked back at my sister. I immediately wished I hadn’t. The fluid that was glimmering in her eyes was a stab to my gut, and the knowledge that I was the cause for her suffering drove the blade home.

 “Eren, I wish I could stop you from doing this. I wish you would let me help you.”

 Petrified, I stood, unable to move or think – I could but stare at her as I registered a numb feeling settle over me. “I’m sorry, Mikasa,” I was able to choke out and then, turning around, I left her there in that dark, vast room.

 I closed the door quietly and headed straight for my bed, onto which I let gravity pull me. In the brief seconds it took before my body met the mattress, I pictured myself falling through it, through the floor, through the ground, and just continuing to fall down into endless darkness, before reaching a point where my body, as organic matter, could not exist and thus would be disintegrated into a billion miniscule particles. Naturally, this did not happen, I was simply delivered onto the mattress, as usual.

 Letting the image of a teary-eyed Mikasa go, I forced myself to think of something that was maybe equally unpleasant; the actuality of how screwed I was and how it was very likely to end up hurting the people I cared about.

 I’d never thought it would turn out this way. I didn’t think it would become so… so dangerous. Originally, it had been like a sanctuary for me, a place where people understood me, and where people had the same issues as me. I felt… normal there.

 My sister Mikasa and my best friend Armin would never understand. They _couldn’t_ understand. Although I loved them so much, I felt I was corrupting them with my presence. I had always been trouble, and I didn’t want to drag them down with me. So I had gradually removed myself from them, surrounding myself with kindred spirits instead. 

 We’d hang out together in town, not doing much, besides having to scatter when the occasional cop would harass us. It was an idle life where we would shirk our responsibilities, talk about nonsense and generally behave like society expected us to. The problems started when we quickly grew in numbers. Suddenly I didn’t even know who half of the members were.

 Some wanted our gang to do more… practical stuff. Like selling drugs or stealing stuff we could sell. I told them no. I said that’s not what this is about. And although some agreed, the majority didn’t, and from there everything had spiralled out of control.

 I clenched my eyes shut.

  _“Nobody likes it when a newcomer rears his ugly head.”_

That much was true, I saw that now, and it was something I should have recognised much sooner.

_“You should take some time to reconsider your choices – you might just find it would be preferable to crawl back under the rock from whence you came.”_

I hated the voice that was echoing inside my head, but I was hard pressed to dismiss the sense it was advocating. We had gotten too big, too noticeable - we had become a threat, and others did not appreciate our existence. It was only going to get worse. As the leader, I should call it quits, but I was powerless to stop it, as I no longer had any authority over the belligerent fractions of my gang.

_“If you can’t handle the game, I suggest you find something else to do, brat.”_

God that voice infuriated me – to the point where it didn’t. It burned in my stomach, but it was a different kind of fire, something I wasn’t familiar with and something I desperately wanted to go away. But the image of the stranger refused to leave me, and it disturbed me that I could remember the features of his face so vividly, and the soft drone of his voice as it had sounded in my ear. I trembled as I recalled the look in his eyes.  

 Whoever he was, he was not good company. He had helped me, true, but it was absurd to think that he had done so out of the goodwill of his heart. He must have had his reasons - an agenda. And he belonged, almost without a doubt, to the same scene that I did. Why else would he happen to be in downtown Shiganshina at four in the morning, being able to stroll carelessly through the streets, unscathed?

 And lastly, he knew my name. I finally let that sink in, lying still on my bed and feeling my stomach tie itself into knots of fear. It was the ultimate proof that I had fucked up – and I had fucked up big time. I had never intended us to get this big, or me being known as the leader. I had never wanted that, I didn’t desire power or influence. I had just wanted a place I could call home, a place where I wouldn’t feel like an outsider. And now it had been taken from me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so, here's another chapter. It's kind of boring, but also kind of necessary. Next chapter will be more fun - I promise! 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

_“Eren!”_

 I heard my name being called but I did not register it. To phrase it differently, I did not possess the ability to register it. When I was in this state nothing could reach me.

 In this state, I no longer existed as a physical being. I had morphed into a bodiless entity of pure animalistic desire. In this particular state I could only be defined as a purely primitive force, capable of doing nothing but to destroy and annihilate.

  _“Eren, stop! You're going to kill him!”_

 Pain – it was the only thing that could remind me of my physical being. It told me I wasn't a separate metaphysical force, but that I, in fact, inhabited a body, a body that could feel pain and a body that could break. It was a terrifying realisation.

 When I came to, only a few seconds later, I was lying on wet concrete, my head spinning and throbbing with pain. I looked up to see the pale faces of my sister and my best friend. What I found there I vowed I never wanted to see again.

 The boy I had been hitting was slumped against a brick wall, unconscious. His face was covered in blood; I looked down to find that so were my hands. I remember pretending for one delusional moment that I had just been finger painting, messily covering my hands in thick, red substance and smearing it onto the boy’s face.  

 That was the first time I had lost control like that - I was 12 years old back then. It only got worse from then on. It was like I was born with this dormant beast inside of me, which would take over the minute it sensed the smell of blood.

 I was scared shitless of course, because, no matter what, I was unable to control it. I feared that next I would be hurting Mikasa or Armin, or somebody innocent like them.

 I would have isolated myself from them, I would have isolated myself from the world, but they wouldn't let me. Despite the looks of horror they had given me back then, forever engraved in my mind, they insisted on always being close to me - to prevent me from hurting anybody else or because of their love for me, I wasn't sure.

 But they were there, and regardless of my constant fear of hurting them, I was grateful. I did not want to be alone.

 It was still difficult to bear, though. School was a living hell for me, because I always got into trouble. I would snap the minute I was provoked, and Mikasa wasn't always there to hit me in the face and tell me to get a grip. Understandably, the teachers disliked me and my fellow students feared me. If it hadn’t been for Mikasa and Armin I would have been all alone. They never left me. I really did not deserve them, especially not considering the way I had been treating them lately.

 I was sitting outside the school building, on one of the benches lining the walls, having my lunch when my phone rang. The name _Jean_ flashed across the screen. My heart struck up a beat of trepidation at the sight. I pushed a button to ignore the call and turn the screen black. I did not want to deal with whatever he had to tell me.

 “Hi, there.”

 I jumped and looked up to see Armin standing next to me. I must have been wearing a very confused expression because he looked at me with worry.

 “Are you okay, Eren?”

 “Yeah, yeah – I’m fine.” I said, composing myself. I reached out and put my phone in my pocket.

 “Can I join you?” he asked me, his tone hesitant. I felt a stab of guilt. Of course I wanted him to join me, and I hated the fact that I made him doubt his company wasn’t good enough for me anymore. But, naturally, I didn’t say that.

 “Sure.”

 He smiled and sat down opposite me. I returned the smile, but it felt a little bit off. I wanted it to be genuine, the fact that it wasn’t made me feel terrible.

 “Your face looks better,” he said as he produced a packed lunch from his bag. He smirked, “But it still looks pretty bad.” His jest nearly broke my heart but I smiled nevertheless, and this time I felt my chest bloom with a bittersweet feeling of tenderness.

 “Shut it, you mushroom.”

 And just like that it felt like the old times. For a moment I felt fine. I felt more than fine as the tension permanently residing in my body was dispelled by Armin’s laughter. I revelled in that feeling, and I took my time to savour it to the fullest. I stocked up on the warmth in that laughter, and stored it inside of me so that I could bring it forth later when I was in need of it. I was so grateful for him but I didn’t know how to express it.

 “You might have a scar, though,” he said, indicating the cut under my eye. He was serious now. I feared he would question me about my injuries, even though he had refrained from doing so before.

 It had been almost two weeks since my encounter with those thugs, and although nothing special had happened in that time, I was still nervous. I was just waiting for something to blow up in my face. It was just eerily quiet.

 I had intended to keep my run-in with the other nameless gang a secret, as I didn’t want anybody of my own to take it as a challenge and act rashly. Unfortunately, I’d happened upon some of my members the other day, as I was walking home from school, and the news had spread fairly quickly. I had to show up and tell them what had happened. I probably should have lied and told them that my appearance wasn’t gang-related, but I told them the truth.

 There had been mixed reactions to the message my face was clearly supposed to convey. I left out what the strange man had told me.

 Some had been concerned, but most of them – to my dismay – had been outraged...

...

  _“Look, this doesn’t have to be a big deal. It was my own fault for –“_

  _“Come on, Eren! This is an obvious threat! We can’t just lie down and let them stomp all over us!”_   

  _Jean intervened to say. His stupid face made my blood boil._

  _“We can and we will, Jean,” I said with as much authority as I could muster. I knew it was crucial for me to consolidate my power, and show them that I would not back down. I had a responsibility to stop this before it went too far._

  _“That’s cowardly!” Jean spat. “If we don’t act they won’t hesitate to do something like this again! And next time they might not be that nice. We need to make a stand!”_

  _It troubled me that so many seemed to agree with him. I was getting desperate._

  _“I’ll handle this. Just, don’t do anything to incite more trouble. Leave it to me.”_

  _Then Annie spoke up; her voice cold as usual. “Pray, tell us Eren, how are you planning to deal with this all by yourself?”_

  _The way this girl carried herself intimidated me greatly, and not only me to be sure._ _She and her friends had been some of the latest members to join us, and I’d noticed that it was taking a while for people to warm up to them._ _I still didn’t know her very well and I was slightly wary of her._

_I made my voice sound as rigid as I stood. “Don’t you worry about it, Annie. I’m telling you all to back off and not do anything stupid. Do you understand?”_

_..._

 Half-hearted muttering was all I had gotten in response, and I knew that I had not succeeded.

 I’m sure Armin noticed my change in demeanour, for he said, pointing to the cut beneath my eye, “The girls are going to dig it, though.”  

 I gave him a weak smile, appreciating the effort. Suddenly I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. The smile adorning my face melted away in an instant. I reached for my phone and, again, Jean’s name was glaring at me from the screen.

 I stared at it, jaw set, as I willed it to go away, for it to slip out of this world. If the name “Jean” did not exist on this plane of reality, then there wouldn’t be anybody calling me right now. Unfortunately, the name “Jean” did exist, a person by that particular name was living and breathing, and he was currently trying to reach me. Most likely, he was calling to relay information I decidedly did not want to hear.

 “I’m sorry, Armin. I have to take this.”

 I got up and grabbed my things. Armin simply nodded.

 “That’s all right. I’ll see you later, yeah?”

 I could see that he was concerned – and disappointed – but he hid it well. I swallowed and averted my gaze.

 “Yeah, sure.”

 I waited until I had put some distance between myself and the table before I answered the call, “What?” I ground out between clenched teeth.

 “Jeez, you took your sweet time, didn’t you?” Jean’s voice grumbled in my ear. I felt my anger spark immediately. “Anyways, we’ve got a situation.”

 “What do you mean?” I tried to keep my voice steady and devoid of emotion. I was gripping the strap of my backpack tightly, bracing myself for whatever he had to tell me. 

 “You should come over here. Right now.”

  ______________________

 

 

 I didn’t know what to expect, so I settled for the worst. A maelstrom of horrid scenarios was hurtling through my mind as I made my way into town. When I arrived at the scheduled destination, I found I could not recall the journey I had taken to get there. It was merely a blurry page in the archive of my memory. They say the mind is a curious thing, and I could only agree. Of all the pages I wanted to cancel out… But I guess, those written in the boldest fonts were not so easily erased.

 I thought maybe this was one of the pages I’d like to leave out, if it hadn’t been for the fact that it would be crucial for the understanding and the development of the plot.

 I was in downtown Shiganshina, in the same neighbourhood I’d had made the unhappy acquaintance of those thugs. Having been called here made me more than slightly uncomfortable. I had told myself I wouldn’t show my face here ever again, for my own sake and my associates’, but if they needed my assistance then… I couldn’t let them down.

 I made my way down one dismal, deserted street. A container overflowing with trash was standing on the left in front of a row of houses, issuing forth a stench that made my stomach heave. I dug out my phone as I increased my speed to a trot. “Fuck,” I hissed as I hit Jean’s name on the screen to call him up.

 It was already starting to get dark and I had no idea of what the hell was going on. Jean didn’t pick up, of course. “Fuckfuckfuck,” I breathed and quickened my pace.  _It should be around here somewhere…_

 A wave of relief washed over me when I reached the end of the street and saw the freight yard of Shiganshina railway stretch out before me. After this, it was no problem locating our “situation”.

 Next to a huddle of brick buildings I saw a group of people clashing together. I could make out some familiar faces, but it was hard, really, to see from this distance. The sight made me choke on my own breath. Sure, I had expected something like this, but the reality of it still hit me smack in the face.

 My mind was a complete blank as I set off towards them at a sprint. The only thing I knew was that I had to do everything I could to stop this.

 That’s when I saw a guy break Sasha’s nose with his fist. And when my eyes flew to his face, that’s when I realised I knew him from somewhere.

 His face appeared in my memories, in between punches and kicks received, his gob curled in a mocking sneer, much like the one he was wearing right this moment as Sasha was falling to the ground.

 That’s when my mind went haywire.

 I remember throwing myself into the fray while every fibre of my being was lit with the carnal desire to eradicate that man from the face of this earth, and everybody else who had any intentions of hurting my friends, along with him.

 Oh, how I thrived as an incorporeal essence. I basked in my power and my ability to hurt and to maim; all the while I was unable to feel any pain. In this form there existed no restraints to hold me back, so I could unleash onto my enemies the raw power of my being.

 It was only when the last of our assailants had fallen to the ground that I was restored to my normal state. Simultaneously, my sense of pain returned, at which I almost dropped to my knees, as the sensation of my hands blistering in a white-hot fire of agony hit me with full force.  

 When I brought my hands up to my face for inspection, whilst struggling to keep myself on my feet, I saw, through my tears, what a mess they were; some places the skin had been scraped clean off the knuckle.

 “Is everyone all right?” I rasped as I looked around me. They all looked fine, dishevelled and bruised, but fine, which was a massive relief. Even Sasha was standing, although her face was smeared with blood. They were all staring at me, and no wonder. Never had they seen me like that, and I had never wanted them to. The uncertainty in their expressions soon melted away as broad grins spread across their faces.

 They looked extremely pleased with themselves, and me especially, though I could not fathom why. I shifted my gaze to look at the bodies littering the asphalt before us. The sight of them inspired a terrible, foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach. This was the foreshadowing of my death sentence.

 These thoughts sent my pulse racing. When I clenched my fists the tendons screamed in protest and torment. My palms were sticky with blood and sweat. After having existed as an invincible substance, returning to your body was a pathetic experience.

 I whirled around and fixed my affiliates with a furious glare. Why were they smiling like that? Could they not see what we had just done? I wanted to fling my curses and unleash my anger at them for their stupidity, but the words were stuck in my throat.

 Jean’s satisfied smile was fading even as he saw my expression, and I could see others losing their confidence too. Some shrunk together when my gaze brushed them. In my periphery I saw Annie’s cold façade, but I didn’t even look at her, as I knew it would most likely set me off.

 “What the fuck did I tell you?” I managed to choke out eventually. I was trembling with rage. Nobody answered me.

 My voice swelled in my mouth, “Who is responsible for this?”

 “Hey, hey, hey – Eren, relax. It’s fine! We just wanted to rough them up a bit and show them-“

 Jean was trying to make excuses, but I was having none of it, I was too furious. “Do you even realise what you have done? Do you think they’re just going to let this slide? This was a bloody declaration of war!” I roared.

 Jean looked like I had just slapped him in the face, and I kind of wished that I had really, but his stunned expression only lasted for a minute, before it scrunched up in defiance.

 “Well, to be honest I don’t really care. If they want a war, we’ll give them a war. We’re not just a bunch of kids for them to bully around.”

 “But we are! Don’t you fucking see?” As I screamed at them, my voice increased in pitch. “We don’t stand a damn chance against these guys!”

 Jean snorted and gestured to the people on the ground. “Fuck yes, we do.” He looked at me with a sneer. “If you’re in on this, then it won’t be a problem.” He shrugged. “You took down most of them yourself.”

 The majority of them were nodding at Jean’s words. My fists were burning as I watched them, with their oblivious, stupid, empty heads with their bulging eyes, stealing all over my bloodied and delirious appearance.  I was angry and ashamed and terrified… but they didn’t understand a thing.

 “How fucking dense can you be?” I dug my aching hands into my scalp to tear at my hair. “These guys, they’re dead serious about this - it’s not just some game to them! Next time, somebody is going to get killed, is that what you want?”

 The defiance in Jean’s features was subdued by the undeniable truth in my words. Still, he set his jaw stubbornly and averted his gaze. He kept his mouth shut though, of that I was glad.

 “Well, all bridges have been burned now.”

 I turned towards the source of the apathetic voice. Annie was facing me with her custom blank look, betraying no emotion whatsoever. My hysteria was increasing by the minute; I was shaking, my eyes went out of focus, the blood was rushing in my ears, something uncontrollable wanted to possess me. Looking at her passive face and the way she treated the matter, I was suddenly convinced that this was all her fault. Why else would she be taking this so lightly?

 A movement behind me drew my attention away from Annie and I turned to see one of the men, no longer unconscious, trying to get up. Everybody focused their attention on him, and they all adopted cautious stances. He looked to be in pretty bad shape. I was unsure what to do. _Do I help him up or…?_

He was crouching now, and I still couldn’t see his face, which unsettled me.

 “Hey-“

 I only saw a blur of him as he flung himself at me. The gleam of a blade caught my eye and I managed to dodge him just in time. Quickly, I brought my knee up to connect with his face and I felt his nose break from the force. He fell back onto the tarmac and the knife clattered to the ground. I kicked it away and prepared myself for a new attack, but he merely rolled over onto his side while gripping his bloodied face in agony. It was the guy who had broken Sasha’s nose, I saw, the guy who had beaten me half to death.

 His face was a mess. It made me sick to my stomach, because I knew that I was the one that had done that to him. “You are so fucked, kid,” the man spat as he grinned at me. He laughed a spiteful, disgusting laugh, thick with the blood that was clogging his throat. “You are so royally screwed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Another chapter of this thing.
> 
> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING with my life  
> bye
> 
> (btw, Levi will be in the next chapter and who knows what's gonna happen - not me, that's for sure)


	4. Chapter 4

I don’t think I’ve ever felt as drained as I felt then. My body was exhausted, to be sure, but emotionally, I was a wreck.

 Fresh in my mind was the face of that guy. I didn’t even try to push it away, knowing it was futile. I didn’t mind that I felt nauseous and I didn’t mind that my hands still felt like they were on fire, I accepted it for what it was: my own damn fault.

 I was so ashamed. I felt disgusted by existing inside this body, because of what it had done. I was experiencing a horrible feeling that I’m not sure can be translated satisfactorily into words. It was a strange feeling of confinement. I desperately wanted to escape from the shell of my body, this prison, but knowing full well that that was fundamentally impossible I -

 God, I was tired. I just wanted to lie down and fall asleep and never wake up again.

 I had accepted my fate. I knew that sometime, not too far off into the future, I would come to a violent end. Hopefully, my death would put an end to all of this. Hopefully, our gang would be dissolved, and then the other gangs could rest easy. Everything would be fine. Nobody else had to be hurt.

 When the freight yard was out of sight, I stopped to talk to them. “Listen up, everybody. We won’t be seeing each other for a while,” I said. “You will not be meeting up with one another. You will not, for your own sake, show your faces in this neighbourhood. If you must go downtown, never go alone and make sure you stay in crowded places.”

 They all stared at me with serious faces. They seemed to be getting it now. Although my fit hadn’t succeeded in making an impression on them, that man on the tarmac sure had.  “Most importantly,” I raised my voice slightly, “you will not initiate any contact whatsoever with other gangs, which will only make matters worse and will, without any doubt, endanger the rest of the group. If any of you are on a suicide mission, I suggest you find another way and don’t act like fucking dickbags.” I emphasized my every word.

 They were silent. “We are going to disappear for a while, you hear me? I don’t fucking care if your immature arses think that’s cowardly, ‘cause it’s not. It is called being sensible and wanting to keep breathing.” I looked at each and every one of them in turn, but none dared to look me in the face.

 Jean drove me, and a bunch of others home. The car ride was dreadfully silent. I didn’t care to say anything to them; I had nothing more to say.The sky had painted itself in that yellow sickly colour I hated so. It was dotted with splotches of filthy grey that moved slowly across its canvas. I stared at it until I thought I would be sick.

 I was the last one to be dropped off. For a long while, I stayed seated, my eyes still on the horizon. To merge with that backdrop, I thought, must be heavenly. The desire to keep staring at that abomination and remaining in this state of inertia was overwhelming. It took me a massive amount of willpower just to turn my head and look at Jean. When I did, I saw that his eyes were already resting on me. His countenance was hard to interpret. I gave him a long hard stare. “This was your fault,” I accused, “You were the one to gather us there, even when I had explicitly told you not to.”

 Valiantly he ventured to meet my stare, but I wanted him to back down, and he could sense that. Thus, with his eye twitching in vexation, he broke it off and opted for gazing out of the windshield instead. His brows were furrowed, not with anger or defiance, but with regret. Well, his regret was of no use to me. “How did you know that those guys would be at the freight yard?” Underlying the mass of harrowing feelings that was grating at my insides, there was an inexplicable sense of uneasiness. Something here just didn’t feel right.  

 I’d had this feeling for a while. Originally, it had only been a tiny bud that I hadn’t wanted to give nourishment. But as things evolved, light had gradually seeped through, causing it to grow ever so slightly, and with recent events it had sprung out in full bloom. Ever since our gang had started to grow in number and splitting itself into fractions, I had been suspicious of foul play. And it wasn’t just a simple case of people disregarding my commands and entertaining their need for revenge, it was more than that.

 Hell, that was why I had been in downtown Shiganshina that night two weeks ago, desperate for any information I could get, though, the only things I got were a beating and sort of a death threat.

 Jean was hesitant to answer me. He scratched at the back of his neck whilst looking down into his lap. Eventually he shrugged, “It was just some guy I know that told me. He called and said he’d seen them there. Then I called you guys, and then… you know the rest.”

 I stared at him, amazed at how he could tell such a blatant lie with a straight face. I didn’t look away before he finally met my eye again. He looked very uneasy under my imposing stare. I was delighted though, as I wanted him to understand that I could see right through him, that I was aware of him being a dirty fucking liar. In the end, he was forced to avert his eyes, his face red with shame.

 “You better not be doing anything stupid, Jean.”

 As I moved up the walkway to the front door, I returned to my previous lethargic state. I didn’t want to feel or explore the inside of my mind. It was too chaotic and dangerous in there. I also feared what I would find there, so I chose to stay away. What’s more, I didn’t want to be worked up when I had to face Mikasa. Come to think of it, she probably wasn’t home yet. It was only six o’clock, so she was probably at the gym or studying with some friends or whatever. This gave me some relief. At least I could get inside, clean and bandage my hands without her freaking out over me. My hands weren’t giving me too much trouble at this point, as the pain had been reduced substantially.  

 I let myself inside and stumbled into the dark stuffy space. I didn’t turn on the lights, I rarely did. I halted there by the door for a moment, allowing the strange atmosphere of the place to wash over me. I’d never felt a strong attachment to this house, even though I grew up here, I didn’t even have any memories from this house. I don’t know why, but in general, I didn’t have many memories of my early childhood. I often suspected my childhood amnesia to have lasted abnormally long, thus having brutally robbed me of treasures I did not know if I had possessed to begin with. The memories I did have, though, were all containing Mikasa and Armin, and they were mostly happy ones of easier days.

 I looked to the small table by the entrance and saw a pile of envelopes, revealed by their pale white colour in the sea of gloom surrounding them. Evidently, Mikasa had been here before going out again, bringing the mail inside with her. I gathered the stack of envelopes and went to stand by the window so that I could flip through them in the light provided there.

 On top of the pile was a slim and slightly crumpled envelope. By looking at the handwriting I knew who it was from immediately. The envelope looked to have been carelessly torn open, and the way the letter had been stuffed back inside told me something about what its contents might be. My throat suddenly felt very tight, and the urge to hit something until there was nothing left of me or of it, was heavy in my being. I became aware of my heavy breathing violating the sacred silence of the place, so I crumpled the letter and let it drop to the floor; maybe I’d read it later.

 “So, you went and got yourself into trouble again, did you?”

 I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die in that same instant. I turned around so quickly I thought I was going to break my neck. My heart was hammering violently in my chest, wanting desperately to escape from its confines. As I peered into the dim-lit room I saw him standing there - the one who had helped me out of that alley two weeks ago - arms crossed over his chest, leaning his back against the wall. 

 Realising that my mind had emptied itself the moment I recognised that smooth, sonorous voice, the panic spread throughout my body like nothing else could. I should probably have been running for the door right now, but instead I stood rooted to the spot, staring at the outline of one terrifying man.

 Then I remembered how he had handled me and humiliated me and completely rendered me helpless, and I felt my rage shaking off the soggy woollen blanket of lethargy it had been covered with. My mouth went dry and my limbs started shaking as I tried to piece together something to fling at him.

 “Please don’t have a fit. I came here to have a civilised conversation with you. Don’t make me restrain you, again...”

 He pushed away from the wall he’d been leaning on and stepped closer so that he was standing in the light from the window, close enough so that I could reach him and vice versa. I didn’t know if I was comfortable with that, but I didn’t move. He looked as apathetic as ever, but I could see the grey eyes beneath his black fringe glinting with something.

 “How did you get in here?”

 He raised an eyebrow before holding up the spare key we kept outside on the doorstep. Darn it, I always knew that was a lousy place. I gritted my teeth in annoyance, which he seemed to find singularly amusing by the look of it. He threw the key onto the coffee table by the sofa, my eyes involuntarily following the movement of his smooth black hair as he turned his head slightly. I hated to admit it, but that undercut was so fucking hot and so was he.

 When he looked at me again it was as if he knew what I had just been thinking and I did my best to hide anything my face might reveal behind the anger in me, which was just as real. I seriously could not be attracted to a guy that had assaulted me and was now breaking and entering my house.

 “How do you know where I live?”

 The fact that he was standing here, in our living room, scared me more than anything else. This whole thing I had started, the gang, it had supposed to be a way for me to distance myself from the people I loved, so that they wouldn’t have to be involved with me or the danger I posed, but I had ended up making it so much worse and now… I had effectively brought something vastly more dangerous into our home… and I didn’t know how to fix it.

 The light from the window illuminated the right side of the man’s face, leaving his left in shadow. It made me uneasy, because I felt like I wasn’t seeing all of him - now I really wished that I had turned the lights on. From what I could see, he looked exceptionally bored, but I had a feeling it was merely a mask of concealment. Although he looked placid in this moment, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t jump me in the next.

 The man crossed his arms over his chest and continued eyeing me silently. I had no idea what he was thinking, which was very unsettling. He took a step forward, and I really wanted to take a step back, but I didn’t because then he would know that I feared him – if he hadn’t deduced that already. I swallowed and attempted to subdue both the fear and the anger that was battling on inside of me, as well as calming my heart, which was pumping my blood at a rate I hardly deemed to be beneficial.

 He didn’t come any closer, but he had watched me closely as he was taking that step and now he was smirking. _He’s playing with me_ , I realised. The beast inside of me told me to do something about that, like, for example bury my fist in his face. However, my brain remembered all too well what had happened the last time I’d tried to do that, so I resolved to do nothing.

 His smirk disappeared, but I could still detect a hint of it on his lips. “This town isn’t so big. And, believe it or not, there are very few people by the name of Jaeger here.”

 Fair enough. “What do you want?” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “Why did you come here? If you have anything to say, then say it, and then get the hell out.” I sounded a lot braver than what I actually felt. But my anger seemed to override the fear this person was inspiring in me. He raised his eyebrows at that and set his mouth in a thin line.

 “I am here to convey a message, or more precisely, an official warning. I thought that may be necessary, seeing as I apparently failed to communicate that the last time we met.” 

 “Wait. Before you continue, I would like to know who you are.” I said it as demanding as I could. I wouldn’t back down on this. He frowned at that and fixed me with a menacing look.

 “Why?”

 “Why?” I repeated, letting my perplexity show. “Is that so strange, wanting to know whom you’re dealing with? I don’t even know who you are representing, or, or, even your name,” I added hurriedly, like it was originally supposed to belong to the sentence.

 His frown smoothed out and I saw the shadow of a smile return to his lips once more. “Now, how is my name relevant, Eren?”

 Hearing him say my name did strange things to me, and hearing it being said in that voice affected me more than I’d like to admit. He’d only called me Jaeger before, not Eren. I felt warmth flooding my cheeks, and now I was grateful for having left the lights off. “You know _my_ name,” I countered, “that’s not fair.” I grew increasingly uncomfortable as he eyed me. The weird silence that governed this house made the moment seem more intense than what it perhaps was. Eventually he decided to stop torturing me.

 “The name’s Levi.”

  _Levi._ That suited him. “Pleased to meet you, Levi.” I said it sarcastically. Again, he arched an eyebrow at me, “Don’t be cheeky, brat.” I bit back a retort and instead hurried on to my next question.

 "Whom do you speak for?” I swallowed and held my breath in anticipation. I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted to hear his answer. I wasn’t very knowledgeable when it came to the gangs in the city, but gang activity was high here. Still, I only knew a few of them, namely the biggest ones. 

 His gaze was unwavering. “The Shiganshina Legion.”

 I blinked and tried to keep my cool because his eyes were uncompromising as they surveyed me. I felt my heart sink. _Nonononono, why them._ Why did we have to piss off one of the biggest fucking gangs in the city, why couldn’t it just have been a petty one? That had been my last hope, really, but now I realised how screwed I _actually_ was. I hoped I appeared calm but I doubted my acting skills were that good, because I was currently experiencing quite the meltdown. “Hey, kid, why don’t you sit down before you faint.”

 Suddenly he was grabbing me by the arm and shoving me down onto the sofa. I was about to protest but he cut me off. “Okay, if you’re done with twenty fucking questions, I’m going to cut to the chase.” When I looked up at him I saw that he was being utterly serious now. There was not a hint of a smile or any trace of leniency in his expression. His hooded eyes, sheltered beneath the fringe of his black hair, were giving me an ominous stare, and in it I saw what he was capable of, and that scared me.

 “We have been exceptionally patient with you. We gave you a warning - a warning you chose to disregard, and now you’ve succeeded in upsetting the kind of people you don’t want to upset.”

 I wanted to say something but Levi was having none of it. “At first you were insignificant and just a tiny bit annoying, but then you became a problem.” He paused for a moment to watch me fidget under his gaze. I suspected he kept pushing me down like this so that I had to look up at him.

 “But we’ve decided to be charitable, seeing as you are only ignorant brats. That’s why I’m giving you another chance to _back the fuck off_ before things get ugly.”

 Even though he was being super-intimidating, I could not stand the way that he was talking to me, and I met his dark gaze squarely as I felt the adrenaline start pumping through my veins. I clenched my fists and was about to get up, but he pushed me down again, something that succeeded in aggravating me even more.

 “Don’t you think I’ve tried?” I spat at him. “Believe me I have! But they won’t fucking listen to me. A lot of people have joined lately, and I don’t even know who half of them are, or what the hell they’re up to,” I let my fury carry my words, for I found it to deliver them best – fury directed at myself, at him, at the Legion, at my own gang, at life, at everything.

 “You can’t even define us as one conglomerate gang anymore. It has split up into fractions, fractions that I have no control over. It is apparent that they have their own interests – interests that I, and many others, do not share. I never wanted any of this! I’m not –“

 “I call bullshit.”

 He threw me off my rant and I stared at him in bewilderment, not following. “What?”

 “I said, I call bullshit,” his voice like velvet, “I saw you today, throwing punches like no tomorrow. You looked pretty involved to me.” His eyes were flickering with something I couldn't catch. 

 I flinched. So he had been there, somewhere, close by, witnessing my rampage. “That was different! I was helping my friends out! What, do you think that I was just going to stand back and do nothing?” I fixed him with a challenging stare, which he met with an impassive one. I went on, “Either way, I didn’t know what was going on before I got there and saw for myself.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice as I finished.

 “So, basically, you have no control over them.” I returned his gaze steadily even though the heat of shame was blooming in my cheeks. He was completely unfazed by my hostility, taking his time to scrutinise me in my defiant state. The freedom with which he eyed me bothered me, as it made me feel very self-conscious. “That’s pathetic,” he concluded softly without taking his eyes off me.

 It was apparent that he was trying to rile me up. Although it kind of worked, I wasn’t about to play the game his way. I decided to let it slide and ignore the ire that was tearing at my insides. “ _That’s a fact_ ,” I snapped, “and that’s why there’s no point in you telling me to _back off_ since I can do fuck all about it.”

 I leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees, burying my face in my hands. I drew them up into my hair where I let them pause. My breath left me on a shaky exhale. What would happen now that he knew that I was powerless? Would he still dispose of me? I couldn’t see where this road was going to end.

 I waited for him to say something, but the room stayed utterly quiet. I couldn’t even hear him breathe. _Maybe he left,_ I thought childishly. When he still didn’t say anything I picked up my courage and continued.

 “There’s been… something fishy going on,” I admitted in a subtle tone. This was the first time I would be owning up to my doubts, and by voicing them out loud I was now acknowledging them. I slid my hands down to my face and rubbed at my eyes.

 “As I said, a lot of people have joined lately, and some of these fractions are pursuing goals that I think, for the most part, are relatively harmless, so that’s not what I’m most concerned about, but…”

 I dared to remove my hands and glance at him. Levi was regarding me with a passive stare as he waited for me to continue. I took a deep breath, “I feel like there’s something else going on, something bigger. I don’t know what exactly, but it’s like there’s this…” I gesticulated with a hand whilst grappling for the right definition, “conspiracy,” I decided.

 Levi raised his eyebrows at me. “A conspiracy.”

 I ignored his attitude. “Quite a few people have been acting weird lately. Sometimes they’re even lying right in my face,” Jean’s face popped into my mind just then and I gritted my teeth. “And I know they’ve made some really stupid arse decisions, but I’m not so sure that they know what they’re doing. It feels like there’s somebody pulling their strings… but I don’t know why, or how, or if that’s the reality. I mean, it’s more of a hunch, really, but…” I was rambling and I knew it so I cut myself off with a shrug of my shoulders.

 Having said all of this, I felt terrible. I wanted to believe that I could trust in my friends, but there was just too much that told me otherwise. I recalled Jean’s face again when he had lied to me. I looked to Levi again as I wanted to see his reaction and hear his judgement, if possible.

 I’m not sure what kind of expression I was presenting him with at that moment, because he narrowed his eyes at me. Maybe I wanted him to say that, hey, no way your friends would be such dickheads, or maybe he would just call me a fucking joke, but he did neither. He sighed and ran a slender hand through his hair. I was not affected by how his black fringe fell down across his forehead to brush against his eyebrows.

 “You’re absolutely certain that you’ve done everything in your power to get them to listen to you?”

 I nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure. I’ve even told them to disappear for a while. Although they seemed to understand, I can’t be sure if they’re going to listen or not. I mean, that hasn't stopped them before…”

 For the first time, Levi’s gaze left me, and settled somewhere in the distance instead. He stood completely still whilst lost in thought. I took the opportunity to study his features to my fill, but all too soon had his eyes slid back to me - without me realising. The heat in my face was unbelievable. Levi turned his full attention back to me and now a mischievous smile was playing on his lips.

 In one fluid motion he leaned over me and placed a hand on the backrest of the sofa, one on both sides of my head, effectively trapping me. With him invading my space like this, it became exceptionally hard for me to focus.

 “And,” the softly spoken word hung heavy in the air for a moment, “when you say that you are not involved with any of this, you are telling me the truth?” He was using that soft, dangerous voice again. I remembered it well, from our first encounter, how it had sounded in my ear and sent shivers down my spine. I had recalled it many times since then, its allure being able to send my pulse racing, in a way that was much different from when my anger possessed me. The feeling was unfamiliar, but exhilarating. Levi's eyes were locked on mine as he leaned in even closer, until I could feel his breath fluttering over my skin.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I guess? Gah, I'm slightly frustrated over this and I hope it's not too terrible. 
> 
> Also, these chapters are just growing in size - whoopsies.
> 
> Cheers for reading - you're really awesome!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeek, this is terrifying halp me

With Levi being so close I could smell him, and it sent the tension thrumming through my body. It was a heady, intoxicating scent that made my blood burn; I thought he might be able to hear my heartbeat hammering like mad.

 Then I remembered that he had asked me a question. A very important question, as a matter of fact. A question I should make sure I answered with care, as it could very well decide my fate. I made an effort to clear my mind, which was fogged over due to Levi’s close proximity, so that I could tell him that, yes, I was telling the absolute truth, and that I, indeed, had no ambitions in this criminal world I had come to dwell in. However, I found that I was unable to transport these words from my brain to my impossibly dry tongue, so I opted for giving him a simple nod instead, to confirm my innocence.

 His gaze was heavy on me, so laden; I could _feel_ it on my skin. Under its influence I was powerless, not capable of breaking away from it nor able of moving my body. Looking at me like that, he had no need to pin me down by physical force. Levi’s presence was so vast and imposing that it impelled everything else to dissolve into nothingness. And when it had rendered all these trivial things inconsequential, it demanded everything of me. Like a maelstrom it relentlessly drew me in, and I was helpless to fight it.

 As his eyes were boring into mine, seemingly endeavouring to extricate any ambiguity that might have been hiding there, I forgot about the concept of time altogether. The experience was unsettling in a way it was not. I got addicted to his scent because each inhale was a hit that gave me insurmountable pleasure.

 There was a slight change in his countenance and his eyes left mine to flit across my face, making me shiver. His assessment of me was apparently over.

 He hummed and leaned even closer until I could feel his breath on my face. _Go away, go away, go away…_ Levi had his eyes locked on mine again, and I saw then how darkness had consumed the grey that usually resided there, and in that darkness I sensed something lurking. I let out a shaky breath that I wished hadn’t been so indicative of my inner turmoil.

 One of Levi’s hands moved over onto my shoulder, where he let it rest for a short moment, before daring his fingertips to venture to the bared expanse of skin on my neck. Gingerly they brushed over the skin of my throat and traced the line of my collarbone. I couldn’t have stopped the shiver that ran through my body even if I’d tried. “W-what are you doing?” It came out rushed and tenuous. I squirmed a bit and pushed my back into the cushion of the sofa, trying to escape his enticing touches. Levi ignored this, and moved closer, until his warm breath was ghosting over my lips, whilst his hand wandered down my chest and down to my thigh where it paused, his thumb reaching out to stroke at the inside.

 His hooded eyes slipped for a brief moment down to my lips before capturing my eyes once more. A smirk was playing on his lips. He leaned past me and placed his mouth next to my ear; I could feel his lips moving as he spoke.

 “What do you want me to do, Eren?”

 The deep, sonorous voice sent a jolt straight to my groin. I let out a tiny sound, which shocked me and froze me stiff. Levi only chuckled, a deep, dark sound, and then I felt warm lips mouth at the skin beneath my ear. He moved his hand then, letting it splay on the inside of my thigh, where he inched closer and closer to a place that I desperately wanted him to touch. I whimpered pathetically, my breath quickening with his every ministration.

 I felt too hot. I thought I was about to burn up. Then Levi’s hot breath was on the wet skin on my neck, and soon he was tracing my jawline with his mouth. Fire mixed with a tingling sensation that spread throughout my body, leaving me strung out and panting for more. I bit my lip in an attempt to keep the sounds from spilling out, but they escaped nevertheless, tiny moans and whimpers mixed with my heavy breathing. _Shit, what the hell am I doing,_ I thought deliriously.

 I let out a shameless moan when Levi violently sucked at my pulse point as he simultaneously moved his hand over my clothed erection. “You make some pretty noises, Eren,” he hummed against my skin, sending vibrations through my body and making me even harder than I already was. His hand was caressing my length through my trousers and it felt so good I thought I might burst at any moment. “Do you feel good, Eren?” he whispered in my ear. I couldn’t answer him, too lost in a haze of pleasure to think clearly. He pressed the heel of his hand into my cock and drew back slightly to register my expression as I moaned wantonly. “It sure sounds like it,” he chuckled.

 My face flushed as Levi’s eyes roamed over me. I wanted him to go back to what he had been doing, so that I wouldn’t have to see him looking at me like that, and yet… I wanted him to keep looking at me with those dark, volatile orbs. Slowly, he leaned back in, placing a knee on the sofa. Now he was closer than before, and I could feel the heat radiating off his body. Somehow, that wasn’t enough, I wanted him even closer, I wanted him flush against me, but I didn’t dare to move. A hand slid up to the back of my neck and settled in my hair. He tugged at it, making me angle my head slightly when he brought his mouth down to hover over mine. He made sure I was looking him directly in the eye when he, in that exact same moment, slipped his fingers past the waistband of my jeans.

 His fingers brushed the base of my cock, making me gasp. Darkened eyes lingered on my lips as I tried to gather enough oxygen for my brain to function. They followed my every reaction with minute attention. God, I wanted for him to kiss me. I wanted to feel his slick, wet tongue enter my mouth and tangle with mine. “Levi,” I moaned his name. My lips were parted in an open invitation, but he didn’t close the distance between us. He merely let our heavy breaths mix in the small space separating us, whilst the black of his eyes devoured every inch of my face, as if he wanted to commit it to memory.

 I let out a whimper of frustration because of his endless teasing. I was at the end of my tether. I could feel the moisture of his breath on my lips and it drove me insane. He was so close. I _needed_ to feel his mouth on mine.

 When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I leaned forward with an impatient growl to capture his mouth, which promptly made him step away from me entirely. “Hey!” I cried at the loss of sensation. I glared accusingly at him. I was flustered and confused, and why on earth had he stopped –

 “You look positively delicious, Jaeger,” he said in a low, husky voice as he stood and admired his work. His pupils were still blown and there was an obvious bulge in his pants, and yet he was taking another step back. There was a falling sensation inside of me that I recognised as disappointment. His eyes seemed reluctant to leave me and he bit his lip in some agitation. He drew in a sharp breath. “Fuck,” it would have been inaudible had it not been for the amplifying components of this place.

 “Well, this has been fun,” he said as he ran a hand through his hair. I was still too far gone to understand anything of what was currently happening.

I tried to speak, “What are you-“

 “I’ll be in touch, Jaeger,” the delight in his voice was undeniable and infuriating, but he was already heading for the door. I wanted to stop him, but what could I say? He halted by the door to take one last look at me. He sent me an impish smile. “In the mean time, don’t get your cute little arse into any more trouble, ok?” He didn’t wait for my answer. I couldn’t believe my eyes, but the soft sound of the door falling shut verified his exit from the scene.  

 I was left behind in a room, which size suddenly occurred to me significantly larger than usual. 

 I sat there unmoving, not fully able to believe the preceding events. This could not be real. This guy, Levi, had not let himself into my house, threatened me (again) and then proceeded to seduce me, only to leave me a frustrated mess. However, my heavy breathing, the loud beating of my heart, and the hardness in between my legs, all suggested otherwise.

 I didn't move from my spot until my heartbeat had slowed and I was able to gather my wits. First of all, I was angry - surprise - but mostly with myself. Surely, there was something pretty wrong about letting a complete stranger, a dangerous criminal to top it all off, feel you up like that. He had been way over his limits but, admittedly, I had been all too willing for him to continue. I could berate myself for it as much as I wanted, that didn't change the fact that if he came back through that door right now, and picked up where he left off, I'd be more than happy to oblige.

 After a while, my frustration waned and I was left with an unpleasant hollow feeling. I let out a long, heavy sigh, hoping for the feeling to leave me on the exhale.

 "What am I doing."

 My voice sounded weird. Thinking of the sounds that had escaped me only moments earlier, and permeated the air around me, I felt so embarrassed. Breathing and thinking and sensing - it was all connected to one act that now refused to exit my mind.

 I shuddered violently as I stood up, shaking my limbs and believing that the act would somehow delete everything from my body and mind and leave me tabula rasa.

 If only.

 I slid through the murky room like a phantom and into the kitchen at the far end. The light from the fridge immediately assaulted my eyes when I pulled the door open. I blinked several times as I inspected its contents, or rather its lack thereof. I shut the light out with a sigh, and returned to my gloom. I went over to the tap and filled a glass with ice-cold water and brought it with me over to the kitchen table. The skin on the palm of my hands slowly grew numb from the chilled glass. I didn’t extract my hands, however, because the sensation was soothing. Slowly I became aware of the dull throbbing of pain that they initiated, so I brought them close to my eyes for inspection. I had almost forgotten about their sorry state.

 I quickly began to clean and bandage them before Mikasa could come through the door and demand to know what had happened to me. Or perhaps she wouldn’t ask, I thought. Maybe we had moved past that.  

 Just as I was getting myself another glass of water, I heard the front door being opened. I couldn’t help sighing in relief when I peered through the darkness to see the unmistakable shape of my sister standing by the entrance.

 “Hey,” I greeted her, in a voice I hoped sounded normal. She was a little bit startled and turned to look at me with an expression I couldn’t make out in the dark. “Eren,” she sounded like she was slightly out of breath, “I didn’t expect you to be here.” Her eyes dropped to the floor where a white, crumpled piece of paper was boldly declaring its existence. I went back into the kitchen, clinging to my glass of water.

 Not long after did Mikasa shuffle in through the doorway, only pausing to flip on the lights. I made a disgruntled sound, which she promptly ignored and sat down opposite me. She looked me over with an intent stare, and for a brief moment she looked relieved, but then her eyes dropped to the hands that were cradling my glass. They lingered there for a while and I suspected she was debating whether or not to say anything. Eventually, she let out a long sigh and directed her face towards the ceiling as she leaned back in her chair.

 “How was your day?” I asked then, taking a sip of water. She looked back to me with a tired expression. She shrugged, “It was all right. Stressful. The curriculum is ridiculously unmanageable this semester.” I had to smile at that. Mikasa was always complaining about college, but she was a straight A student. She worked her bum off though, so she certainly deserved that. I was so proud of her. As she was talking, her eyes regularly flitted down to my bandaged hands. I ended up putting them in my lap to spare her their presence.

 “What about yours?”

 Both she and I knew what she was really asking. I felt my features harden and returned her gaze steadily. “It was fine,” I said in a flat voice, which was followed by a long stretch of heavy silence. I could see that she was struggling. Evidently she decided to let it go, because she looked away without saying anything else.

 There was an elephant in the room, and I was biting my lip waiting for her to address it, I was contemplating running off to my room before she could bring it up.

 “You saw the letter?”

 So much for running away.

 “Yeah,” I muttered reluctantly. “I didn’t read it, though.”

 I looked at her. She was still gazing off into the distance, her chin resting in her palm. “Well,” she said, and roused herself from her passive state as she got up and moved over to the kitchen counter, “I did.”

 I didn’t say anything, as I waited for her to continue. She put her palms on the counter and leaned back on it. She let out a heavy sigh. “He’s going to be away for a little while longer. He’s sorry, though,” she added. It sounded like she was apologizing on his behalf.

 I wasn’t surprised, really. After all, that was what I had been expecting when I saw his handwriting on the envelope. Our father was always away on business trips and could be away for long periods of time, leaving us to our own devices. It had been like this since we were kids, so we were used to it by now, and you would think that it didn’t affect me anymore… However, it would have been a massive relief to me if he were home right now, so that I didn’t have to worry about Mikasa being alone. I froze when a thought struck me. What if Mikasa had been the one to come home to Levi in our living room? What would have happened then?

 “Did he say when he would be back?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from shaking. Mikasa studied me closely, looking for any sign that I might lose it at any moment. A pang of regret hit me as I saw her apprehensive look. She was used to me reacting strongly to any mention of our father. After a while she shook her head. “He wasn’t sure, but he said it might be a few weeks still.”

 I nodded, taking it all in. “Mikasa, could you please do me a favour?”

 Her eyes widened and she hurried to say, “What?”

 “Could you, maybe, for a couple of days, or as long as possible, stay at Armin’s or maybe a friend’s house?”

 When the words were out of my mouth she went rigid. Her eyes narrowed. “Why?” she demanded. I didn’t know how to answer that. One of my bandaged hands wandered up into my hair as I tried to figure out what to say, I also used the occasion to tilt my head away so that I didn’t have to endure her glare any longer.

 “Just…” I started but stopped, as I didn’t know how to continue. I let my hand drop in exasperation and dared to look at her again. “Please, Mikasa. I don’t know how to explain it to you, but it would be best if you stayed away from here for a little while, until I can fix things.” Fix things, I thought bitterly to myself. A voice from some time ago echoed inside my head, _“… tell us Eren, how are you planning to deal with this all by yourself?”_

“You mean you don’t _want_ to explain it to me,” Mikasa corrected. “I _know_ that you’re not spending every night with your friends braiding each others hair and reciting romantic poetry, Eren. You come home looking like-” she gestured towards me with a frantic movement, finding my appearance to be more descriptive than any word she could have come up with, “so why can’t you just _tell me_ what’s going on, instead of leaving me in the dark? Surely that would be for the better?”

 She interpreted my silence as a cue for her to continue, and now her voice took on a different quality. It was softer, and more careful, as if she didn’t want to scare off a skittish animal. “And I’m worried because I know that you… have some problems.” She was giving me a pleading look. I immediately averted my eyes, fixing them on the water that was trembling in the cylinder prison that I was clutching between my palms. “I just don’t want you to do something that will get you into trouble,” I heard her say. “Something that you will regret for the rest of your life.”

 I wouldn’t answer that. I couldn’t answer that.

 I got up. The screeching sound that was issued from the chair when I pushed it back tore through the air. I didn’t look at her when I spoke.

 “Mikasa, please, just do as I say. It’s for your own safety. If… if you really want to help me, this is the only way.”

 I wanted to go shut myself in my room, but I waited to hear her response. For a long moment she didn’t say anything. I saw her knuckles straining against the skin as she gripped the counter. She was enraged and by the look of it, she was not ready to end this conversation.

 I, on the other hand was exhausted. Too much had happened today. Too many types of feelings had coursed through my body, abusing it. I wanted to lie down and sleep for eternity.

I think Mikasa realised this too. I watched as the fire dissipated from her eyes. Her stern expression slackened and her hands relaxed their hold on the counter. The motherly concern she had always had for me was painfully manifested in her just then. I had to look away, lest the pressure behind my eyes should alleviate itself.

 “Fine,” she consented, and I didn’t deserve the affection that could be heard in her voice. It was unlike any balm you could have applied to my wounds. It was the only cure I needed, the comfort and warmth of a family. But, unfortunately, that wasn’t meant for me. 

 “Thank you, Mikasa. Thank you so much,” I whispered and I closed my eyes. Knowing that she would be safe gave me a welcome solace. I wanted to say more but I feared that the things I wanted to say would lose their meaning on the way out. For some reason, even language refused to deliver me.

 Suddenly, she was there, gripping me in a tight embrace. I leaned into her and let myself be held. The warmth of her body seeped into mine and I stopped shivering - I hadn’t even been aware of that. My cheeks were wet with tears, which in rebellion, had escaped from my eyes. In that moment, everything was ok. I thought everything might be fine. I was hopeful.

 Then, I gently extracted myself from her embrace, and I felt my being regress to its normal state. The light that had been kindled in me a moment ago waned and became non-existent. I gave her a wan smile, which she returned with more generosity. 

 “Good night, Mikasa.”

 “Good night, Eren.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. That was probably nothing to you guys, but I was so uncomfortable writing that scene in the beginning, and I uh don't know the first thing about this and it's kind of weirding me out and how do people write even the least smutty stuff and I don't know how to cope with this but I am going to try anyways and see where I'm going to end up - which will be hell, probably. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. I don't think I can express how happy each kudos, comment or bookmark make me. Really. Seriously. Honestly. Truthfully. 
> 
> I am actually a relatively nice person, so if any of you lovely people want to come say hi, you can find me blushing over at my tumblr central-and-remote. 
> 
> Cheers !


	6. Chapter 6

Maybe I had become completely paranoid, but for the next couple of days, everywhere I went, people seemed to be looking at me funnily. Everyone I passed by or made eye contact with – people at the store, at the bus stop, in the street – they were all a potential threat to me. There was no way of telling them apart from one another. I thought of the people in my own gang, many of them didn’t look to be of typical “gang material”, but then again, my gang was never supposed to be a typical gang in the first place.  
  
Walking home from school in the afternoon was a nightmare. Every moment I expected someone to jump out from a side street, drag me into an alley and beat me dead. The fact that I was still breathing should have given me some hope, but it didn’t. If anything, the lack of activity got me exceptionally nervous. It just didn’t seem right. Granted, Levi hadn't killed me back then, when he came to visit me, and he had listened when I told him my theories, but even if he relayed that information to his superiors, they could still decide to get rid of me. Why wouldn't they? I had no idea what kind of rules those guys played by – if any.

 Levi had told me he’d be in touch, but I still hadn’t heard anything from him. It had been four days since our… encounter. I was half expecting him to be in my living room every day I let myself back into the house. I convinced myself that the emptiness that greeted me instead didn’t bother me. For all I knew, he might just phone me up. I should probably be grateful if he did. If he actually came back here again it would not bode well for me, I was sure of it. Thankfully, Mikasa had listened to my advice and was staying at a friend’s house for a while. This way she wouldn’t be in trouble of stumbling upon the thugs that may or may not have made themselves comfortable in our home.

 I hadn’t heard anything from my friends either, not since the day I told them to lay low. That didn’t necessarily mean that they were staying out of trouble, it might just mean that they were keeping me in the shadows about it. But somehow, I didn’t think that was the case. The look on their faces had been solemn when I talked to them, and they looked to have understood the gravity of the situation. I wondered how long that would last. I didn’t think that this was entirely over yet.

 It was hard for them to stay completely isolated from each other, though, seeing as many of them went to the same school. But that was all right, there was nothing suspicious about that. However, if they were to start meeting up in big groups outside of school, it could become a problem. A few of them went to my school, and although I had occasionally spent my lunch breaks with them before, I stayed away from them now, and they did not question that.

 I tried to focus on my studies instead. My grades had plummeted drastically this last year because I had been too busy worrying about everything else. I wasn’t a very good student to begin with. I always found it hard to concentrate on subjects that didn’t interest me, and to be honest there were very few subjects that actually did interest me. The only subject I cared for was literature. Literature interested me in a way nothing else could. I can’t properly describe it but the best books tended to invoke this strange conflicted feeling in me. It wasn’t until we read Proust that I was able to comprehend what that feeling meant.

 I closed the red leather bound copy of _Swann’s Way_ that I had borrowed at the local library. It was really quite old and it smelled like that too. I liked that smell, because it reminded me of the dusty cellar at my grand parent’s house, where my grand father kept loads of books he never read anymore. I preferred those books to the ones he kept in the shelves upstairs. I felt like the books in the cellar had been abandoned, and it made me sad. So, I lavished my attention on them, read them over and over to make sure that they would never be forgotten. The irony was that most of them had slipped from my memory over the years.

 This book smelled just like those old books. It was a comforting smell. It made me feel like I was ten years old again, and in a world that was safe and simple. Mum had been alive back then too. She’d often come and get me when I had stayed down there for too long, afraid that I would catch a cold or hurt myself on the gardening tools that my grand father kept there.

 I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. The library was absurdly quiet. Sure, it was a library, but this had to be some special kind of quiet. It was almost as weird as the quiet in our house, but not completely. It was just before closing hours, so I guess it made sense. The elderly librarian and I were the only ones left in the building.

I looked down at the book in my lap as I let myself feel the strange emotion that it had inspired, pulse through my being. It had sprung into existence as soon as I had read the first page, and had grown in intensity and size as I read. When I reached the last page I could finally understand its essence.

 I didn’t know if I hated the book or if I worshipped it. The thing I knew for sure was that Proust’s skill was unparalleled. I was baffled by his ability to communicate feelings and thoughts and a range of different atmospheres through his language. After stumbling through one long winded sentence after another, however vague and abstract the idea he was explaining seemed at first, by the time I reached the end, I realised that he had just described to me, with perfect and beautiful accuracy, a thought, an idea, a sensation that I was very familiar with. It was as if I was he, and he was I. The adoration I felt for him was laced with a furious envy that I couldn’t quite explain. I wanted to fling the book out of the window, but at the same time I thought I wanted to melt into the pages and become one with the book.

 If I could be in possession of that kind of language, I think my life would be very different.

 I remembered what my teacher had told us about the author. His authorship had been a project to regain memories of his past, to reclaim the innocence of childhood, only to arrive at the conclusion that it was futile. The creative powers that had burgeoned within him as a child, the magnificent imagination he had been in possession of, were impossible to retain. No longer could he look upon the world with the intensity and wonder he had as a child. He died disillusioned, not believing in love, not in happiness, not I beauty, not in life – not even finishing his work.

 With a heavy sigh I went and put the book back in its shelf. I looked at Proust’s name, enamelled in gold on the spines that lined that particular shelf, and as I felt that paradoxical emotion surge inside of me, I knew that I couldn’t leave here without him. I picked out the second book in the same series and brought it with me to the desk.

 “He’s quite something, isn’t he?” the lady said with a smile as she handed me the book. I could only nod.

When I exited the building I was greeted by a blood red sky that lazily stretched itself out above me. Seeing it made me feel ill. The colour was too bright. I pressed the book I was still carrying to my chest.

 As I walked home I started thinking about dying. I hadn’t really _thought_ about it as much as I had _feared_ it. The more I thought about the prospect I found that it didn’t appear shocking or unfair to me. In fact, in a strange way, it made sense.  For me to die so soon, it seemed only natural. I think I had always known, deep down in some eternal recess of my being, that death would be imminent for me. The signs had been there as long as I could remember. The world had always seemed painfully intense to me. Its colours too vivid, its scents too sweet, its tastes too piquant, the emotions it inspired too vast, its inhabitants too complicated and its language too hard to utilize. The intensity with which I experienced things in this world was multiplied, as if my soul was trying to make up for all the time that I wouldn’t be around, cramming the experience of a full lifespan into the limited one I had been allotted.

 The thought calmed me, somewhat. The fact that there was some sort of consistency and logic concerning my existence was comforting. But was I really about to accept the notion that some twisted fate was deciding my life? Planning it out, step by step, without me having any say in it? My anger… the passenger that I had been born with, did it exist within me as an independent body, to deal with the unfairness of it all, or was I merely endeavouring to justify an abnormality that could not be vindicated?

 I didn’t want to die, but my existence tired me. I hadn’t lived long. I hadn’t experienced much. I had led an extraordinarily boring life so far, and yet I felt like I had endured a thousand years of pain and hardship.

 “Oh, my fucking god,” I groaned venomously and clutched at my head in frustration, “get over yourself.”

 My sudden outburst startled a scrawny grey cat, which had been lying peacefully on the curb a few feet away, and it dashed off, disappearing in the gloaming that was thickening by the minute. The occurrence made me jump as well, and managed to snap me out of my melancholy train of thought. I had a pathetic tendency to indulge in thoughts like these, and I hated myself for it. I gritted my teeth and resolved to push the heavy ponderings from my mind, not allowing myself to wallow in this self-pity and idle speculation any longer.

I was only a few blocks from my house. I realised I had gone most of the way without paying attention to my surroundings. My recklessness scared me, and I walked the rest of the way in hyper awareness lest someone should decide to tackle me.

 I made it home safely. There was nearly no one outside in my neighbourhood, and for a moment I wondered why, but then it occurred to me that it was dinnertime, and that most families were sitting together sharing a meal right about now. I stared into the blind eyes of my empty house as I approached it with heavy steps.

 …

 It was not as empty as I had assumed.

 When I flicked on the lights (I had started making this a habit now) I was met with the sight of Levi sitting in the armchair by the coffee table. Due to today’s lack of alertness, I was thrown for a loop, seeing him sitting there. My surprise quickly morphed into apprehension as I regained my calm. I organised my features to a hostile manner while he watched me patiently, standing there by the door. Seeing him again brought the memories of our last meeting back with violent intensity. I felt my face heat but I kept my countenance as I stubbornly met his gaze, which was – as usual – sheltered beneath hooded lids.

 “Hello, Eren.”

 “How did you get in here? I removed the key from the porch,” I said as I tried to arrange my haphazard thoughts. He raised an eyebrow at me.

 “Do you really think that I am in need of a key to get in here?”

 I decided not to answer that question. I wondered how I should proceed from here. It was remarkable how he could make me feel like a stranger in my own home.

 “Why don’t you have a seat?” Levi gestured to the sofa and I flinched. Unfortunately he caught my reaction, but he was decent enough to supress a smirk. I lowered myself onto a stool next to the sofa. I dropped my backpack to the floor and put the book I had been clinging to all the way here safely in my lap. 

 Levi nodded to the book, his interest obviously piqued. “What have you got there?” I put my hands over it in a protective manner. Why would he be interested in that? Why did he always insist on prolonging his visits?

 “Proust,” I said. His eyes went from the book to me. A quick analysis told him that I was not in a conversational mood, but this did not seem to bother him. His eyes widened and his eyebrows arched, “Proust? _You_ read Proust?” he asked incredulously.

 I felt myself gripping the covers tightly. I sent him my most malignant look. “Yes, Proust. What about it?” I was shivering slightly. I told myself to calm down, he had no way of knowing how this was a sensitive subject for me, he wasn’t doing this on purpose to rile me up. He evidently saw how much impact his words had on me, and his expression changed. Levi leaned forward in his chair and rested his elbows on his knees as he studied me closely. The teasing look in his eyes was gone. “I was just surprised. I didn’t think you to be the type to read something like that.”

 “And what do you know about me?” I said icily as I gripped the book even tighter.

 “Fair enough,” he shrugged and leant back in his chair.

 I was getting tired of this. “Why don’t you just tell me why you are here, so you can leave?” He didn’t answer straight away so I went on, “You always take your good time before you state your business. Do you think I enjoy your stay that much?”

 He met my vicious gaze steadily. “You seemed to be rather enjoying yourself last time I visited.”

Once more I felt a flush creep up my neck. It wasn’t only due to embarrassment but anger as well. I hadn’t been the only one to enjoy it, and he had been the one to initiate it all. But I didn’t dare to say anything like that. I set my mouth in a thin line and was dangerously close to throwing the book in his face.

He got up from his seat. I instinctively flinched away from him, but he didn’t come near me. He threw a glance out of the window before he looked at me again. “I have been told to bring you to our headquarters.”

My mouth went dry. “What?”

He rolled his eyes. “Our commander wants to talk to you in person so that he can make an evaluation of you and our situation.”

It felt like my insides had frozen over but my heart had relentlessly quickened its pace. Go to their headquarters? Meeting their “commander”? Evaluation? I didn’t know what I had been expecting, but this wasn’t it. I clutched the book in my lap tighter.

Proust may hold many answers to many questions, but I feared he couldn’t help me in this situation. 

“So – so, what – I am to come with you? Now?” I managed to say.

 He was looking at me with narrowed eyes. I found myself wondering what he was thinking. Suddenly he was moving swiftly towards me. I immediately got up from where I was sitting and stepped away from him. The red book dropped to the floor in my haste. Levi stooped to pick it up and held it carefully in his hands, which was just as well; it was an old copy. The spine could easily break and I had treated it rather harshly.

“Yes, you are coming with. Now.”

I met the dark gaze he was giving me with something that must have been a pleading, pathetic look. He merely stared at me with a stony expression. He was the last one to deliver me, and I knew it. I had no ally in this world, and I was foolish to look for one in him. It seemed absurd that this person, who was now watching me in this uncompromising and unfeeling manner, had been the same one to touch me so gently and to make me feel so good. But then, I saw his countenance waver for the briefest of seconds, as he held the book out to me. It was something in his eyes, a flicker of something that I could not name.

I felt quite numb and unable to speak. I freed him of the book without a word. His voice was softer when he spoke next.

“Come on, brat, or we’ll be late.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! It took me some time to get this done, due to uni and life and life in general. I know I updated quite a lot in the beginning, but I won't be able to do that all the time. 
> 
> I hope this one is okay - Eren is being quite the philosopher. You might not care for Proust, but he is important for understanding Eren. 
> 
> If you're still reading this, then thank you so much :) I'm eternally grateful!


	7. Chapter 7

I had no choice but to follow him. Due to the season, it was already rather dark outside. I was glad. Levi belonged to a category of people that I did not want to be associated with, and the afternoon granted me the anonymity I desired. Although I was not known for being a saint either, I don't think being seen with Levi would necessarily do me any favours.

Walking next to him like this made me realise how short he actually was. I couldn't help but smile at that. It was something so absurd that I had a hard time wrapping my head around it. His personality was so imposing that it was easy to forget about his height, because it was something so uncharacteristic to his persona. Unfortunately, my scrutiny of him did not go unnoticed. He gave me a suspicious look.

“What,” he demanded.

I averted my eyes quickly and kept walking, but I failed at keeping the mirth out of my voice when I answered him. “Oh, nothing.”

I was surprised at my own recklessness, but I assigned it to the state of agitation I was in. I didn't know where we were going, or what our arriving there would result in (my death, possibly). But for all I knew, it might lead to the acquittal of my "crimes". Thus I existed in a weird limbo state, where terror and exhilaration were intimately entwined. I felt Levi's eyes bore into me but I pretended not to notice.

“Shitkid,” I heard him say. For some reason that only served to widen my grin. He extracted a phone from his pocket, long slender fingers flying swiftly across the screen before he returned the device to his coat. He caught me staring again and I felt a flush creep up my neck. I really needed to stop staring at him.

“Where are we going?” I asked, before he could make some comment.

“I thought I had made that clear,” he sighed.

“I know where we are going,” I snapped, “but I don't know _where_  we are going.”

He rolled his eyes. “Eloquent. Don't worry your tiny brain about that. It's not important that you know.”

I scowled at him. To be honest though, him slighting my eloquence troubled me more than being left in the dark. I wondered about his language, though. He didn't talk like a thug. He didn't bear himself like a thug - not considering his ability to easily overpower and incapacitate whomsoever he wished. If I had met him under completely normal circumstances, I would never have been able to guess his occupation. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he strode on, me following as fast as I could, thinking that he was a curious person, a thoroughly incongruous being that I was quite rightfully, yet annoyingly, intrigued by.

I couldn’t for the life of me figure him out, and it frustrated me to no end. And I couldn’t fathom why it was so important for me to “figure” him out anyway. This too bothered me substantially. I wanted not to be so intrigued by this person, so that I could see him for what he really was – someone who had made my life a mess the moment he had stepped into it – and act accordingly.

“Why did you save me back then?”

It wasn't so much a question as it was a thought mindlessly admitted out loud. I regretted it the moment the words had left my mouth. It was something that had bothered me ever since that night, him helping me out of that alley after I’d been roughed up. In hindsight, I was almost certain that those people had been of his very own kin. So, the question remained – why had Levi helped me? No matter how I looked at it, it just didn’t add up. I wanted an answer, desperately so, but what did I want him to say? I bit my lip, hoping that he hadn’t heard me, although I knew that my words had been perfectly audible. I tried to sneak a discreet look at him without being noticed but he caught my gaze and wouldn’t let me go.

“What makes you think I did?”

Unfortunately, he understood what I was referring to. His expression yielded nothing, absolutely nothing, so I forced myself to look away. I didn’t like the cold dead eyes he presented me with. It irked me to see them like that, because they weren’t dead. I had seen them alive, I knew.

“I don’t, really. I mean, I just wondered, ‘cause it didn’t really make sense, is all.”

I fixed my eyes on a street lamp that was coming up ahead, trying to make my words sound as light as the air shifting about us. Levi was silent for a while. I didn’t have the courage to look at him. Maybe he had decided to ignore the question. Just as well, I thought.

When he finally decided to grace me with an answer, I was stunned at the impersonal tone in which it was delivered.

“I was there the whole time, overseeing it. When it was reported that you were lurking about the neighbourhood, we were ordered to go see you. So, we did.”

That was when I looked at him. He was smiling. I couldn’t believe it. I supressed the stirring I felt inside of me, and said through gritted teeth, “I didn’t see you there, though. Only after.”

He shrugged. “No wonder. You were too busy being kicked in the face.”

It felt like I had just been slapped in the face. Subconsciously I balled my hands into fists as I looked at him, at his smile. A faint, but growing, thudding in my ears alerted me of the state I was approaching. He appeared to be amused by my reactions, but his eyes were as cold and empty as ever.

“I ordered them to stop when I saw that you had had enough,” he said softly, almost comfortingly, as if this somehow redeemed his actions and would make me feel better. It served the exact opposite as I felt the anger light up inside my breast. I had stopped walking and so had he. He was watching me patiently.

“And why didn’t you just let them kill me? That would have spared me a whole lot of trouble!”

“That was not my orders,” he stated calmly.

I wished the searing fire to die down, but it was not easily quenched, I found. When I eventually succeeded, the embers still remained, ready to light up again at the merest touch. I realised that I was experiencing the feeling of betrayal. It was an irrational feeling, to be sure, but it was a feeling, nevertheless, and it was very much real. By conjuring up the image of Levi standing by, ordering and watching me being hurt, this ludicrous feeling was coupled with a bitter taste on my tongue. I was more upset with my own absurd emotions than with his actions. What could I have possibly expected from someone like him? Why did I react this way? I barely knew him and yet it felt like I had some inexplicable connection with him.

“Besides,” his eyes glittered as he studied me. Levi spoke the words carefully and made sure to load them heavy with meaning, “I might be a criminal, but I’m not an animal. I don’t indulge in violence – and I know how to control myself.”

He could just as well have punched me in the gut. I wished he had. I wanted to fly into a rage so that he would have to restrain me, so that he would have to hurt me. It would be easier, and possibly not so painful. If it hadn’t been for my sandpaper-dry mouth, my empty head filled with static and my hollow breast being very nearly hollow, I would have found something hurtful, I think, something that would make him understand, feel maybe, too, what I was feeling, something that would make him sense the glowing coals that were there, just underneath, always desiring to burn and incinerate.

I wanted him to understand - I wanted someone to understand - what it was like to be this way.

But, as usual, regardless of my physical state, I was unable to find a way to communicate the disruption and chaos that existed within me. I didn’t know how to begin; I didn’t know where to look. Words were at my disposal, but I was at a loss when it came to utilizing them.

And as it was so much easier to succumb to the fire his words inspired within me, instead of venturing out into a territory unknown to me, I advanced.

Levi planted his hand firmly in my chest when I was close enough and stopped me in my mindless frenzy. His cool gaze called me back to reality as it chilled my entire being. The consuming fire that was raging at the core of my being was momentarily diminished.

“Calm yourself,” he ordered me in a steel voice, void of compromise, heavy with authority.

Only for a moment did the haze clear from my mind, before it settled once more. I shoved his hand off me and lunged forward. That’s when he chose a different approach, and connected his fist to my jaw.

“I said, fucking calm yourself, goddammit!”

I stumbled backwards, almost falling, with a hand cradling my jaw. I found myself able to see clearly again. It was the pain, always the pain that called me back – never reason. Levi looked angry and annoyed. The hit hadn’t required a lot of physical exertion, yet he was breathing heavily as he stared me down. He looked to be in a state of turmoil; his eyes had a wild look about them, his hands were balled up into fists and I could see the tendons move beneath the skin as he clenched them tightly together. I was afraid of him then.

"You dim witted fuck," he spat. "Are you going to fly into Erwin's face if he goads you like that?" Levi took a step towards me. I took a step back.

"You need to learn control over yourself. As I told you before," his hand shot up and caught my chin roughly, which was still throbbing painfully, and pulled my head down so we were level, "Rabid animals are put down. You would do good to remember that."

The coldness of his fingers seeped into my skin, and would have been soothing, had it not been for their uncomfortable grip. Levi's eyes were like glowing coals, searing hot, and their intensity was magnified by the sharply corrugated brow above them. It looked like he wanted to hurt me. I felt his fingers dig into my jaw. His eye twitched.

"Do you understand?" he said through gritted teeth. My breath hitched in my throat and I found it hard to speak. I didn't understand. I recalled when I had tried to attack him before, but he had reacted nothing like this.

I wanted to tell him that I didn't understand. I wanted to tell him lots of things that would most likely earn me the beating of my life. I wanted to do that so badly, and I almost did. But something told me that Levi didn't want that. So, instead, I nodded to show my acquiescence. "All right," I told him in a hoarse voice.

Levi stepped back and let me go. In an attempt of calming himself he took a deep breath. I heard him muttering a curse, before turning halfway from me, so that I couldn’t see his face. I saw him shaking his head though, almost imperceptibly. He let a hand card through his hair in a manner I recognised as my own when I was at the end of my tether.

In that moment I had become relatively lucid and was trying my best to process what was happening, to analyse the strange behaviour of this person before me. Most of all, I was stunned by the uncharacteristic display of emotion.

When Levi turned to me again, I saw that he had gone through a skilful transformation. His brow had been smoothed out and his eyelids lowered slightly, like the drawing of blinds. His eyes had been emptied again, and contained nothing. His jaw was set and his chin was raised slightly. Never had I seen a more perfect impersonation of a blank canvas.

He gave me one last lingering look before he turned around and gestured for me to follow him. I didn’t question him. I did as I was told.

We walked the rest of the way in total silence. My jaw was hurting, but I tried my best to ignore it. I was more bothered by the scene that had just transpired.

Eventually we found ourselves outside the off licence by the main road, which led to my school, and further on to the city centre. We had met no one on our walk there, mainly because we had taken all the narrow footpaths in between the houses and backyards. When we reached the off licence though, my eyes caught sight of a sleek black car parked a few metres down the street. My heart leapt into my throat and I grabbed hold of Levi's arm, forgetting about the previous violence in a heartbeat.

“Levi,” I hissed his name as a warning, not sure if he had seen the car too. My hold on him stopped him from proceeding, and he turned his head, first to glance down at the hand obstructing him, then at my face. He didn’t express any emotion, so I nodded towards the suspicious vehicle, thinking he wasn't aware of the possible danger, but to my confusion, I watched as his face was transformed by a beautiful smile. I released him, and the next minute saw me pushed forward, tripping over my own feet, towards what I perceived a looming menace. The car started running; the rear lights lit up like the eyes of some malevolent red-eyed beast, ready to devour me. Levi opened the door to the back seat.

“Get in.”

My eyes searched for his. Our gazes locked for two seconds. He told me again, in a gentler manner, “Get in, Eren.”

I got in. The sound of the door closing behind me sounded deceptively soft. A few seconds later, Levi too entered the car and settled down next to me. I detected a person clad in a black suit sitting at the wheel. Levi gave him a nod and the car started moving.

In an attempt to shift my attention from the presence of the body next to me, I decided to stare out the window for the whole journey. However, my plan was foiled by the rudely tinted windows that barred my restless gaze. I opted for staring at my hands instead, which I folded tightly together in my lap. They looked deadly pale in the humming darkness that surrounded us. I thought that maybe I could blot out the existence of everything and everyone, if I concentrated on myself exclusively. I think that I would have succeeded, had it not been for the warm hand that settled on my left shoulder, like a bird alighting on a reaching branch, and the tickle of breath on my ear, like the sigh of a warm summer breeze, both coaxing me out of my solipsistic cocoon.

“Don't look so nervous. We'll be there soon.”

My eyes flicked up to find Levi's, but he had already retracted his hand and was looking ahead, making me think that I must have imagined his gentle gestures.

True to his word, the car started slowing down and I felt my insides being seized by a chilling fear that rolled like a wave through my body. Soon the car came to a halt, and the fear morphed into dread.

Levi opened his door and slid out. I, on the other hand, remained seated.

“Hurry up, brat.”

When I didn't react immediately, he reached for me and pulled me out of the car. A quick look around told me that we were in a dark alley, in front of us was a red metal door on the face of a brick building, and - that was all I could process before I was hauled towards the red door by a steel grip on my arm. When Levi finally let go of me, eyes expressionless, features stony, instructions clipped, I massaged my arm regretfully, thinking that yes, I had probably imagined it.

Inside, I was led through a corridor with anonymous doors lining the walls. There existed no sound here, apparently, excluding the echo of soft footfalls, one hesitant, and the other confident. In that moment I wondered if Levi - or anybody else for that matter - felt the absence of sound as acutely and immensely as I did.

Just then, a door ahead of us opened, and someone came out in the hallway. I heard a woman's voice, but her head was still turned, presumably talking to someone still inside the room.

“Don't worry your cute butt about it, I'll handle it.”

As Levi and I approached she turned to us, and I saw a flash of glasses and the flick of a ponytail as she did. Her face broke into a grin when she saw us.

“Ah, Levi!” The next moment her eyes shifted to me, and her smile widened. “And look who you brought with you!”

The way she said it made it sound like we were attending a party, where she was the hostess and I was someone her friend Levi had invited. We came to a halt next to her, I a little behind Levi's short form. She stepped forward, and shook my hand enthusiastically.

“You must be the fabled Eren Jaeger. I'm very pleased to finally meet you - much obliged. I'm Hanji.”

“Hi,” I said haltingly, letting my hand be shaken, much confused. I threw a quick look at Levi, who seemed to have grown rather testy at the appearance of this Hanji character, before l returned my attention to the strange creature shaking my hand vigorously.

“Ok, that's enough. We've got an appointment to make.”

Levi grabbed my arm again and rescued me from Hanji's claws. I was getting sick of him handling me like that, so I freed myself from him with a poisonous glare. He didn’t even look at me when I did so; he just kept walking like nothing had passed.

“I'm aware,” Hanji beamed in response to Levi, as she followed us further down the corridor, “I am attending the meeting too.”

Levi gritted his teeth but didn’t say anything. The woman fell into step beside me, and although I avoided looking at her, I could feel her inquisitive eyes on me. “You seem younger than I expected. Are you still in high school?” she asked.

“Um, yeah. Last year.”

“Oh, wow. Impressive. Really rather impressive.”

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. And I had no idea why that was so impressive. I felt very uncomfortable.

“Is it true that you are absolutely raging in a fight? That's awesome.”

... A subject I could do without, and one of my least redeeming traits. I had beat up those guys by the freight yard pretty badly, and I would never have thought that any members of the Legion would find that even remotely "awesome".

“Will you stop pestering the kid?”

“I'm just making conversation, Levi.”

“Well, stop, it's annoying.”

“Don’t mind him, Eren.” She turned to me with a bright smile, “He’s just a grumpy little grand-pa.”

I was equally horrified and amazed by the liberties she took when referring to Levi, especially when he was within hearing, and therefore, ultimately, capable of ending her life. I expected him to say something, but he merely strode along, apparently finding it easier to pretend that Hanji did not exist.

We turned left at the end of the corridor. I experienced the gradual loss of feeling in my legs as I sensed us nearing our destination. My hands were clammy and my mouth was dry. I wanted to get the hell out of there, but I knew I could not run away from this. This could be the only chance I had of proving my innocence, and also getting the Legion to leave me and my friends alone. I had to make them understand that I had not been responsible of the recent developments within the gang.

I had to make them see that there was something going on, that there was a plot unfolding, and that many of my cohorts had nothing to do with it. I had to convince them of our innocence, or else we might end up dead. It was crucial that I made them understand this. As the figurehead of my gang, I had a responsibility to protect my members, even when most of them were lying traitors.

Suddenly, Hanji came to a stop in front of a door on the right. She turned to me with a smile, that I assumed she meant to be encouraging, but I was incapable of reciprocating it. She laughed at me.

"Don't look so gloomy. It will only be as bad as you make it."

That was exactly what I feared most; that I would screw up, and consequently cause the death of my friends and myself. Hanji opened the door and made for Levi and I to follow. I threw a quick glance at him. He only nodded towards the door and pushed me ahead of him into the room.

The first thing I noticed was that it was a big room. The second thing I became aware of was its dim lighting, which left the edges and the corners of what I presumed to be an office, in darkness. When the door closed behind us, I could almost feel that border of shadow from all angles, encompassing me, and I wanted desperately to be out of there.

"Ah, Eren. Welcome," a deep voice reached my ears. I saw a man getting up from his seat behind a massive mahogany desk. He moved around the furniture and came towards me. I was frozen to the spot and could not move. If he had wanted to, he could have stabbed me or shot me or killed me in any which way, without me being able to put up any resistance.

To my horror, it was only now that it dawned on me that there was literally nothing stopping him from doing just that. I had presented them with the perfect opportunity for disposing of me. I, myself, had effectively served my own head to them on a silver platter, by walking straight into the lion's den.

"Take it easy. I give you my word that no harm will come to you during your stay here."

The man standing in front of me, peering down from the summit of his impressive height, had a broad chest and a muscular build. His face had fine features and the startling blue of his eyes was nicely complemented by his blond hair. He was a very handsome man, I concluded, and he looked rather refined. He was someone you would expect to work in a bank, or maybe even in the government, at least in some kind of management office. But he was, indeed, dealing with management, I realised, only in a slightly different kind of organisation.

I swallowed, with some effort, and gave him a nod. He smiled and extended a hand.

"I'm Erwin. I'm pleased to finally meet you, Eren. Your reputation precedes you."

I opened my mouth to form some sort of reply, but whatever I had thought to say, died on my tongue. I felt like no matter what I could think to say in the presence of this man would be puny and inconsequential. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I realised that this was the man I was going to have to plead my case to. If I were to have any chance whatsoever of saving my skin, I would seriously need to pull myself together.

As he was shaking my hand, I was aware of him eyeing me intently with keen blue eyes. They made me nervous, because it felt like he was seeing right through me. It was like walking through the security at an airport, knowing that you had no weapons attached to your body, yet feeling like you might have all the same. He dropped my hand and nodded to Levi and Hanji, who were standing behind me.

“Levi, Hanji,” he greeted them. He gestured towards a chair in front of his desk. “Eren, please sit down.”

He went behind his desk again and resumed his seat. I awkwardly placed myself in the chair he had indicated. Levi went further into the room and settled for leaning on a wall. It left him half in shadow; I didn’t like that. Hanji sat down in a chair near to me, but a little to the side of the desk.

“I’m glad you could make it, Eren. Thank you for collecting him, Levi.”

I heard Levi make an annoyed sound from the shadows, but he made to further comment. Erwin returned his attention to me.

“I’ve called you here, Eren, because there are some important matters we need to discuss.”

He was wearing a frown. I tried to look into his eyes, but I made sure to look away at regular intervals, as I feared what he would find if I granted him unlimited access to mine. I had almost forgotten about Hanji’s presence in the room, until she coughed and made me jump in my seat. I hurriedly gave Erwin a nod, showing him that I understood what he was saying and that I was listening.

“Your affiliates have been causing us some problems lately. Admittedly, the recent fights have been bothersome, yet that is not our biggest issue. More importantly, your gang’s rapidly growing presence on the market has been eating away at our profits. Lately customers have been turning to you instead of us. And that,” he caught my furtive eyes, “is unfortunate.”

I opened my mouth to explain, to tell him something, but no words came out. He was watching me closely while I fidgeted in my chair. I was terrified by my own incompetence and was starting to panic. Did he expect me to say something? How should I reply to that? Erwin leaned forward in his chair and put his elbows on the desk.

 “However,” he continued, “Levi has made me aware of your theories. You believe that there are members of your gang being influenced by a third party, am I right?” He arched an eyebrow challengingly.

“Yes,” I said and added, “That’s correct...”

_Sir? Do I call him sir?_

He sighed and said patiently, “Could you please give me the details on that subject, Eren? I would like to hear what you have to say about it.”

This was it, my chance. I had only one shot – I could not afford to screw this up.

 _Calm yourself,_ a familiar voice sounded in my head. I was thrown by its sudden appearance, but the commanding tone in it helped me pull it together. I took a deep breath and organized my thoughts. I could do this.

I launched into my explanation, my case, wording myself carefully. I told him about how all the trouble had started with the increase of our numbers, how it had become progressively hard for me to control and oversee the activities of the members because of it. I told him that I’d never had any ambitions in the criminal world, and that I had never intended for our group to become so prominent. Then I told him about the weird behaviour of my friends and how they would straight out lie to me and hide things from me. And this, I explained, was what gave rise to my suspicions about some kind of conspiracy, that there was someone controlling them and telling them what to do.

“I’ve done what I can to stop them, but they won’t listen. After the most recent fight I told them to lay low, and it seems like they have respected that, but I can’t tell how long that will last. I’m afraid that it will escalate further, and I have no idea how to stop it. I’m powerless.”

I tried to keep my voice from shaking, but it had become increasingly hard as I spoke. My palms had been resting on my thighs when I started talking, now they were balled up into fists. I looked up into Erwin’s face. He was studying me like I was some sort of expressionistic painting that he was mapping and committing to memory.

It slowly dawned on me that this was an assessment. He wanted to know if I was telling the truth or if I was merely feigning ignorance as a part of some elaborate scheme to overthrow the Legion. My heart was suddenly beating loudly in my ears and my eyes were watering because I didn’t dare to let them waver for a second as I met the commander’s piercing gaze. For a long while the room was silent as we waited with bated breath for Erwin’s judgement.

“Very well,” he leant back in his chair, never taking his eyes off me. “I have a proposal for you.”

“What?” I blurted. Did this mean he believed me or…? I was tempted to look at Levi, but I resisted. My confusion must have been embarrassingly evident to those watching. Erwin was smiling and I didn’t like that one bit. If it hadn’t been for my uneasiness I would have been pissed.

“If you agree to my conditions, I think we can help each other out.”

I blinked. I didn’t understand. I looked at him, I still didn’t understand. I looked at Hanji, she was grinning at me. It looked like she was almost unable to keep still in her chair. After some hesitation I turned my head to look at Levi, half hidden in shade. He didn’t appear to be very much interested in the proceedings; his neck was craned as he peered up at the ceiling, his arms were crossed over his chest.

Reluctantly I turned to Erwin once more. He was still wearing that half smile. I really didn’t like that smile. I didn’t feel like I could trust him. He was too intelligent, too calculating. He had a pleasant air about him, but it was nothing more than a facade. He was more dangerous than he seemed, no doubt about it. I wanted nothing to do with that man, whatsoever.

“I would like for us to cooperate, Eren. What do you say?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! This took me some time, due to life and uni and stuff. I also spilled water all over my mac, so I'm posting this from my phone - hoping it won't turn out shitty. 
> 
> Gosh, I hope you like this. I found it really hard to write for some reason. 
> 
> Kudos, comments and bookmarks are, naturally, very much appreciated ^_^


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm sorry - what?"

 For a moment, all I could do was stare at Erwin, mouth open, whilst my brain tried to process what he had just said. He didn’t answer me immediately, so I looked to Levi, hoping to gain… something. I discovered that his eyes were already on me. I wondered how long he’d been doing that. I closed my mouth. Why was he never flustered when I caught _him_ looking at _me_? It was unfair, really. I didn't dare to indulge in his eyes for too long. I knew Erwin was observing me, so I turned back to him quickly.

 “I don’t understand,” I admitted.

 “I am requesting your help.”

 I frowned. I just could not fathom what he was saying. I had expected him to give me a clear-cut answer: yes, I believe you, I see there is no point in eliminating you, or: no, you are obviously lying and we’re going to have to take care of you and your friends. Regardless of which one it was, I would have been done dealing with them, either leaving the place breathing or, presumably, in a body bag.

 But Erwin had told me none of those things. Instead, he was “requesting my help” - with what? I felt an unsettling feeling start to grow in the pit of my stomach. What could he possibly need me for? My clammy hands slid over the wood of the armrests as I curled my fingers around them. I didn’t want to be involved with the Legion if I could avoid it. I wanted to leave here and never come back. I was slowly realising that I had been pretty naïve thinking I could just walk out of here that easily.

 “I don’t –“ I started, but I didn’t know how to continue. “Don’t you believe me?” The desperate tone of my voice was alarming to hear.

 “Regardless of me believing you or not, the problem still remains,” Erwin said softly. “Even if you are telling me the truth when you say that you have no part in your friends’ “extracurricular” activities, your renegade gang is still causing us a lot of trouble.” The features of his face changed to a stony mask as he fixed me with a threatening stare. “Don’t you feel at least a bit responsible about that?”

 I stiffened. Maybe I did feel slightly responsible. I was the one who had brought all of us together after all, and had later failed to control them. I had been a lousy leader. If someone else had been in charge, things might not have turned out like they had. Someone else would probably have been able to persuade them to listen to reason. Someone else would not have failed, like I had.  

 Nevertheless, I didn’t feel like I owed a criminal like Erwin, or his confederates, an apology. Why should I have to explain myself to the likes of them?

 I looked at the man sitting opposite me, watching me intensely and looking for any discrepancy in my demeanour. I knew for a fact that I did _not_ want to cooperate with him. I wanted nothing to do with him, but I doubted that would be a welcome response.

 “Maybe,” I said carefully, trying not to let my irritation seep through, “But as I told you, there is nothing I can do about it.”

 It came out more stilted than I had intended. This, obviously, did not escape Erwin, who sat up in his chair, making the impressive bulk of his chest more prominent.

 “You can’t or you won’t?“

 “I’ve told you,” I hissed, feeling myself rapidly losing patience, “I have tried.”

 I felt an urge to plant my fist in his infuriating face growing in me, so I tightened my grip on the armrests, lest I should decide to give in to said urge. I fought to push down the ire that was rapidly rising in me like a tide. Erwin seemed to be oblivious of the internal struggle I was having, or he was simply ignoring it.

 “Don’t you want to get to the bottom of this conspiracy of yours?” He tilted his head slightly, surveying me. His words drew my attention away from the battle I was conducting against the belligerent forces within me. My fingers slacked around the armrests as I met his eyes. “Wouldn’t you like to know who it is pulling their strings? Don’t you want to find out who is responsible for your members going behind your back?” He spoke with an agreeable lilt to his voice.

 I breathed. I tried to examine his words, tried to figure out their meaning – what they meant to me, more exactly. The people who had bereaved me of my friends… my home… If I knew who they were, what would I do? The beating of my heart sounded brazenly in my ears.

 “You, as the leader, would be a most valuable asset in investigating the matter. With you in charge of intelligence we are provided with a formidable opportunity of gaining information. Once the thorn is detected and exposed, we can easily remove it.”

 A sudden chill struck me; so cold that it was scorching hot.

 “Are you asking me to spy on my friends?” The words felt like they didn’t fit in my mouth properly; they were expelled from between my lips, falling limp and heavy onto the floor.

 I saw a flash of something in Erwin’s eyes. “Would you _really_ go as far as calling them your friends?”

 My grip tightened around the armrests again. I felt my heart speed up its hollow beating as my eyes roamed over the perfect features of Erwin’s face, thinking how much I would like them to be covered in a specific thick, red substance.

 I saw Levi stirring in the corner of my eye. His arms, previously crossed over his chest, were now hanging down at his sides, prepared. The atmosphere in the room had shifted in a matter of seconds. All of a sudden it appeared very clear to me that I was exclusively surrounded by enemies.

 I was being forced into a corner and I felt the instinct to lash out surge inside of me. I didn’t actually have a choice in the matter – it was either do as I was told, or be offed, I realised. Erwin was seemingly asking for my help, but I saw his request for what it was; a command masked as a question. My fingernails were burrowing into the wood of the armrests. When I clenched my jaw it started throbbing dully. I recalled Levi hitting me not long before.

  _Are you going to fly into Erwin’s face if he goads you like that?_

 For the second time that day, Levi’s words reined me in.

 I granted myself a few seconds to indulge in the sweet sensation of poisonous hatred pumping through my veins, and to imagine the damage that could be done to the man sitting across from me, eyeing me with a slight curve to his lips. I wondered if he was purposely trying to induce my fury, so that he would be given an opportunity to put me down and close the matter once and for all.

 Trying to hurt Erwin, though, was most likely the equivalent of suicide, so I thought better of it. Disregarding all my inclinations, I forced myself to calm down. I unclenched my jaw and relinquished my hold on the chair. I thought Erwin looked disappointed. I saw him sending Levi a brief look.

 “What would you have me do?” I asked rigidly. The words tasted bitter on my tongue.

 Erwin leant back into his chair, relaxing, like someone who knows that their prey is caught safely in their net, and that they need not fear their escape. I found myself having to bite the inside of my cheek. Soon I tasted iron mixing with my saliva.

 “As mentioned, you are in a unique position where gaining information is concerned.”

 “I think you are forgetting the fact that my members have been doing all of this behind my back? They have purposely kept me out of it for the whole run, so I doubt it will be easy for me to gain any information if I tried.” I was hard pressed of keeping the spite out of my voice.

 “It is only natural for the one in charge to take an interest in what his subordinates are doing, but you obviously need to be discreet about it. And should your advances be deflected, you will have to assert yourself.”

 He made it sound like such an easy task. What he was describing was exactly what I had been trying to do for the past couple of months. I could not see why I would be successful this time around.

 “Don’t you think it would be suspicious if I suddenly gained an uncommon interest in what they are doing?”

 Erwin smiled. “As I said, you need to be inconspicuous. Your fate, and your comrades’, depends upon your success. And,” he continued, his voice taking on a deeper, more dangerous tone, “If you fail to find anything, how can I be sure of your self-proclaimed innocence?”

 I wanted to kick his skull in, break his ribs, dig his eyes out of their sockets and crush them under the sole of my shoe. With every breath I took I felt it fanning the fire that was building inside me. My eyesight was starting to go blurry; I wasn’t so sure that I would make it out of here alive after all.

 “And you’re comfortable with putting me in a position where I can easily manipulate whatever information I get ahold of?” I bit out, scathingly, disbelievingly. I didn’t trust Erwin, and there was no reason for him to trust me either. For all he knew, me feigning innocence could all just be part of an elaborate scheme to overthrow the Legion. I almost wished it were.

 “Not at all,” he told me. He was the exact opposite of me; the perfect picture of calm. “That’s why you will be giving me regular reports on your progress. And Levi here will be keeping a close eye on you too.”

 At that I heard Levi huff, apparently not happy with being the one babysitting. I turned to him, glad to look at someone other than the repulsive man sitting at the desk, calm and controlled.

 “Call your members together again, Eren. Tell them it’s fine to resume their activities.”

 Erwin got up from his chair, all eyes following him. I mirrored him, albeit clumsily, taking it as a sign that the meeting was over. “I will be eagerly awaiting your first report. You understand what is required of you, right?”

 His bright blue eyes bored themselves into mine. I felt the flames licking at the inside of my flesh, ordering me to use their power to destroy and obliterate the person in front of me, to tear off his skin so that I could watch the white bones beneath being charred by the inferno that was raging in me. For a moment my mind was blank, I was barely present, but some part of my consciousness was still clinging on to me for dear life. It compelled me to nod and to utter a hushed, “Yes.”  

 “Great,” a cool, steady voice sounded; a voice you could imagine originating from some deep dark gorge, where sunlight doesn’t reach and where snow from yesteryear lingers unknown, or in the painfully cold streams of the spring thaw – cool and steady, it soothed the flames. I saw Levi pushing himself off the wall, sending me a long look I could barely see for his black fringe and the bleariness of my eyes. My mind was fuzzy, but I detected Erwin giving a curt nod and Hanji moving to the door. I felt Levi hovering behind me still, close by.

“Levi, escort Eren home, will you. And return here after, we have details to discuss.” Erwin ordered. I almost stumbled over my own feet in my haste to remove myself from the commander’s presence. I was nearly panicking; I had been too close. “And Eren,”

 I froze in my tracks. I turned back to him, apprehensively. He was standing next to his desk, a hand resting on the top. Erwin’s face was almost entirely covered in shade, but that didn’t prevent me from feeling the threatening look he was sending me. “For your own sake, I hope you succeed.”

 I didn’t bother coming up with a response; I just exited the room without a word.

 It was only when I was standing in the corridor that I felt like I could breathe again. The flames were gone, and they weren’t provoked when I took a deep breath, savouring the oxygen filling my lungs, and let it out on a shaky exhale. Both Levi and Hanji were watching me. I tried to appear calm, but I don’t think I was very successful. My feet were numb, and I thought they might give out under me at any moment. I was surprised to see that several of my nails had broken; a result of me abusing the chair I had been sitting in moments before. I should really trim them, I thought, when I inspected them closer.

 “Well done, brat. You didn’t get yourself killed.”

 I looked up, surprised. Was he, _smiling?_ No, but there was something about his face that told me he could have been. I couldn’t help but feel pleased by that, and I felt a slight pull at the corners of my lips. Presently I found it rather hard to look at him and turned to Hanji instead, who was still standing there next to us.

 “Yeah, congrats, Eren! This is going to be so much fun!!” She clasped her hands together and sent me a bright smile. “Oh my god, I love this plan so much. Nobody will ever suspect _you_ to be the one taking them down! Their own founder! It’s truly amazing.” She was nodding, letting her own words sink in and, evidently, finding them increasingly pleasing with each nod, judging by the grin that was spreading across her face. I probably shouldn’t like her, for many reasons, but I did. However, I could not be as excited about this as she was. The slight warmth that had just appeared in me to pleasantly sooth my nerves and calm my heart, turned dead cold in a matter of seconds.

 I had agreed to betray my own friends. I had agreed to conspire with a rival gang to bring down my own. I was going to spy on my friends to figure out who was causing the Legion trouble. Then I would have to rat them out, so that the Legion could take care of them. Could I actually do this? Even though they had betrayed me first, could I actually hand the culprits over to the Legion? Even if they had committed crimes, even if they had failed me first, was I justified in going to such extreme lengths? I imagined reading about them in the newspaper; beaten to death, shot, stabbed, drowned in the canal…

  _Why have you agreed to do this?_

 If not, they would have killed me. If not, they might have hurt Mikasa.

  _And?_

And… I resented that the people I had deemed worthy of my trust had gone behind my back. I resented that they had ruined something that had been so dear to me. I had felt at home with them, I had been happy. I felt like I had had a family, a place where I belonged and where I was accepted. And then they had let themselves be corrupted. A part of me wanted to see them suffer for that.

  _So you want revenge?_

No… not exactly, I didn’t want revenge. It was like someone had planted weeds in a garden that I myself had cultivated, and the weeds had eventually infiltrated every nook and cranny of it. The weeds had mingled with the plants, subduing and poisoning them. I wanted to get rid of those weeds. I wanted to rip them out of the treasured soil they had settled in, so that my garden could be free, so that it could burgeon and be as carefree and beautiful as it had once been. But to achieve this, I was in need of finding the source of the growth, or else the weeds would just keep sprouting. I needed to find those responsible of tainting the garden, the ones planting the seeds. With the help of the Shiganshina Legion, I would be able to do that. I did not have the power to do so on my own. Even if I should succeed in identifying the culprit, I couldn’t see myself being able to handle the problem by myself.

 As Erwin had said, we would be helping each other out. By freeing him of an evil, he would consequently free me of one. It was the ultimate deal. And when the taint had been removed, the gang could go back to what it had been originally. It would set things right. This was what I had to do. There was no other way.

 “Hey, Jaeger,” Levi’s voice was like the crack of a whip; it snapped me out of my reverie. He was looking at me, brows furrowed.

 “What?” I blurted, thinking he might have asked me something. He clucked his tongue in annoyance, causing Hanji to laugh. I was confused.

 “Oh boy, you two are going to have the best of times!” she giggled. Levi fixed her with a murderous look but she took no notice. “Just think of all the time you will get to spend together!” She sounded delighted. I was slightly worried on her behalf.

 “Shut it, you freak. Get out of my face before I lose my temper.”

 “Oh, Levi, don’t be like that,” Hanji pouted. She winked at me, “Don’t worry, he would never harm a girl, no matter how angry he was.”

 Levi took a threatening step towards her. “If you don’t leave right now, I might just make an exception to that rule.”

 It looked like Hanji was tempted to toe the line further, but eventually she decided against it. I saw her suppressing the urge to laugh and waved her hand in a gesture of apology.

 “Sorry, sorry, Levi. I have some errands to run anyways. You boys have fun!” she called back to us, as she was already scurrying down the corridor and out of sight, before Levi could change his mind.

 “Tch.” Levi glared at her retreating form. I was intrigued by their interaction, especially because it gained me insight of how Levi was with other people. Levi blinked and turned his head to me in one fluid motion. He arched an eyebrow at me. “What?”

 I shook my head. “Nothing.”

 He led me through the corridor, the same way we had come. The grey colour of the concrete walls, that I had failed to notice when we first walked through, seemed to be weighing down on me. It seemed to pull on my soul, wanting to drag it down into some eternally dark crevice. Also, I could feel the cold emanating from the walls, robbing me of the little warmth that I had left in my body. I fixed my gaze on the back of Levi’s head as I struggled to ignore the heavy greyness that was enclosing me, accusing me.

 Finally we escaped out into the cool night air. I filled my lungs with it, again and again, with the notion that in the process of travelling through my body it would cleanse and purge me of all sin. Bitterly I raised my head to watch the trickle of exhaust gas crawl across the distant sky. My eyes touched on the squalid building opposite, which was so representative of the town of Shiganshina and all its glory, before descending into the seamy ally in which Levi and I were standing. You can’t clean something in dirty water, I thought.

 “The car will be here in a minute,” Levi told me. He was standing a few feet away with his hands in his pockets, looking me over inquisitively.

 “Don’t bother,” I murmured as I drew back from him and his stare, starting to make my way towards the mouth of the alley. “I’m walking home.”

 It wasn’t late and I wanted time alone with my thoughts. A short car ride wouldn’t be sufficient nor solitary. To walk through the dingy streets of downtown Shiganshina would do me good, it would suit my state of mind and my foul being. I might even be robbed or stabbed or assaulted - that would suit me fine too.

 “What do you think you are doing?” Levi called out to me, edgily. In my mind I could picture exactly what he looked like. It almost made me smile.

 “Walking home.”

 “The hell, you’re not,” a firm grip around my wrist arrested me. His fingers were cold. I felt the coldness of them seep into my skin. It made me shiver. Irritated, I turned back around and glared at him.

 “Yes, I am walking home. Will you let go of me?” It took my every effort to keep calm. I was so sick of being ordered around, of being told what to do, of being restrained, of being compelled by others and myself. Free will? No, there was no such thing.

 Levi glared back. “No. You will stay here until the car arrives, and I will accompany you to your house.”

 I gritted my teeth together so hard that they chafed. I ripped my arm from his grasp and stepped away. I saw that there was no use arguing. Huffing in defeat I reclined onto the stone of the building we had just exited, crossing my arms over my chest. I avoided looking at Levi, and aimed my line of vision at a dirty lamp that was fixed on the face of the building opposite, spewing its atrocious yellow light on the asphalt beneath it. Nausea announced itself in me immediately.

 I accidentally let my eyes be caught by the short, menacing man that was standing in front of me. I wanted to tell him something, but at the same time I did not. “Thank you,” I landed on. Levi looked legitimately surprised. His brows were raised before they descended into a frown, confused.

 “For what?”

 I found that the nausea was receding even as I looked at him, so I sought refuge there in the paleness of his face, in the blackness of his hair, in those eyes that I thought might be bottomless.

 “For punching me in the face earlier,” I said, entirely without humour. I was being serious. If it had not been for Levi, I would probably have lost my calm in there, which could have put an abrupt end to discussions. He studied me for a while. I let him, I subjected to his eyes. I wanted them to roam me; I wanted him to see me. He gave me a slow nod. Levi understood.

 He wasn’t standing very far away from me, but I found myself wishing he were closer. I felt cold, but I would very much like to be warm. I looked at him. In the dark his sharp features were subdued, concealed. It made him look even more alluring, as if the darkness that seemed to be seeping into his face invited me to move closer and see for myself, touch it so I could maybe learn the texture of it, so that the darkness could seep onto my own skin, and bind me in fetters that would never let me go.

 I darted my tongue out to moisten my dry lips. I noticed Levi’s gaze slipping down to follow the motion.

 “Am I doing the right thing?” I whispered. The night had very nearly swallowed my words; they barely escaped.

 It looked like he was weighing something over in his mind, like he was standing on the threshold of something. Slowly he took a step towards me. “What else could you have done?” he asked me in a velvet voice.

 Words seemed to be stuck in my throat. _What else could I have done?_ What else could I do? I hadn’t been given alternatives; it was either do as I was bid or be killed. Still, it didn’t make me feel any better. I looked away from him. I couldn’t answer.

 I heard him venture a step closer. “What you are asking is, ‘am I doing the right thing by choosing to stay alive?’”

 My eyes were drawn back to his face. It was like I was addicted to looking at him, my eyes having a hard time repressing the desire to drink in every flicker of his eyes, the smooth complexion of his skin, and the shape of his brows.

 “Would you have done the same thing?” I clung to his gaze as if it was something physical, like it was there in some invisible form, hanging between us, connecting us most intimately at the point where our eyes collided.

 “That’s irrelevant,” he said softly as he crossed his arms over his chest. I uncrossed mine, leaving myself open. Levi’s eyes creased almost imperceptibly. They incited a tremor in me that I could barely supress.

 I was trembling too from the chill of the night air and from the stress that had worked on my body throughout the day. It all seemed to be catching up with me now. There was a sore throbbing in the hollow of my chest and an itch in my fingers to grab hold of Levi’s arm and feel his body close to mine, so that it could steady me, hold me up, and grant me some much needed warmth. And maybe the beating of his heart could rein mine in, learn it to beat in tandem with his, learn it to beat like a human heart should.

 Levi looked uncertain as his eyes searched me, trying to interpret my countenance. He took in a breath as he opened his mouth to say something. I didn’t let him.

 I took hold of his arm and pulled him to me as I finally succumbed to the yearning. My hand shot up to settle at the back of his neck as I dived down to seal his mouth with mine. I only felt the mere ghost of his lips, before I felt a sting to my bottom lip as he bit into it, causing me to gasp. He wasted no time before slipping his tongue inside my mouth. A surprised moan left me, punctuated by a yelp as I was pushed roughly into the brick wall behind me.

 Levi pressed his body to mine as his hot, wet tongue slid against my own. His lips were soft, softer than I had expected. I remembered wanting him to kiss me like this, back in the hushed scene of my house. I moaned into his mouth, realising how badly I wanted this. Levi fisted his hand in my shirt, pulling me down to him, whilst the other gripped at my waist. We exchanged feverish kisses, breathing heavily in the small space left between our lips, before resuming the act. Levi bit into my lower lip again, not very hard but enough to make it smart, but he immediately slid his tongue over it soothingly. Suddenly his hand travelled up into my hair and yanked at it to expose my neck. He attached his mouth to the skin underneath my jaw and sucked at it. I whimpered at the attention, gasping when he brought his tongue out to lavish the spot. “L-Levi,” I breathed.

 He stopped his ministrations. His hand was still tangled in my hair and his breath was hot on the skin of my neck, rendering me helpless of doing any lucid thinking. I felt his lips touch the skin of my neck once more before he slid his hand from my hair and laid it to rest on my shoulder. I took the moment to try and catch my breath. Levi pulled back to look at me. He was an absolutely beautiful sight to behold; cheeks tinted with the hint of pink, black hair in a slight disarray, dark eyes hooded; alive and burning with lust. I wanted nothing more than to feel the heat of his lips on me again, but he gently pushed himself away from my body and put some distance between us. A smirk was adorning his lips as he looked at me.

 “Not bad,” he said, making my already heated face hotter. My heart was still racing, pumping blood through my veins at an immense rate. I didn’t trust my voice to carry any sensible words yet, so I was silent while waiting for the rapid rise and fall of my chest to subside. “The car should be here any minute,” he informed me and ran a hand through his hair. He allowed his eyes to trek once more over my body. “If not for my orders of bringing you to your house, I would have brought you someplace else,” he added in a low voice, almost as an afterthought, but he meant for me to hear it. Attempting to calm my body down, this was not helping me.

 There was a lump in my throat.

 I ascribed it to my predicament; what I had gotten myself involved in and what unpleasant consequences it would cause. But I also thought it might have something to do with the man that was standing in front of me, with hair slightly disarrayed, cheeks tinted with the hint of pink, and eyes that were alive and burning when directed at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another! (try reading that without thinking of Thor, I challenge you) 
> 
> This one is rather dialogue-heavy, but there's still plenty of introspection going on.  
> Also, I realise that the pacing of this is pretty slow, so I hope you're not bored of reading it just yet!
> 
> Instead of writing this I should be writing tons of other things, but I just can't seem to stop myself. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I really truly appreciate it, you have no idea.


	9. Chapter 9

The car ride home was silent but for the steady hum of the motor and its occasional shift as the driver changed gears. I had always appreciated late night car rides. The sound of the droning engine had a peculiar soothing effect on me; it eroded all the thoughts from my mind. It was a nearly euphoric feeling to have it completely emptied out. It felt almost as if I merged with the droning sound, that I became one with the comforting background noise that it was. By cancelling out my self it was like I could evolve into something purely incorporeal, like a humming sound being able to soothe another person’s mind for a short time during a late night drive.

 Alas, this particular ride was not like one of those experiences. To my frustration, the hum of the motor failed to distract me from my mind – and from my body. The sound was more of a murmur, rudely drowned out by the obnoxious beating of my heart.  

 You would think that I no longer would have had any qualms about turning my head slightly to the left and glance at the man sitting next to me, not after the heated moment we had shared not long ago. And even before that, weeks ago, we had, arguably, been even more intimate, but he hadn’t kissed me back then… This time it was different.

 I was scared, not only of him, but of myself too. There was this lump in my throat.

After what felt like hours, which in reality was more like thirty minutes or so, the car slowed to a stop. I could only assume that we had arrived at my house. For the first time during the drive I turned to Levi. His gaze shifted to me, expectantly. When I didn’t say anything immediately I saw him take on an amused expression. He raised an eyebrow at me.

 “What, do you want me to walk you to your door?”

 I glowered, trying to hide my embarrassment. It was really hard to look at him now, I found. How could he do this so effortlessly? Kiss me and touch me all over, and the next moment act completely normal. It was all very confusing to me. “No,” I held back any name-calling I might have done, thinking I wasn’t that brave yet, “I was just wondering, what happens now?”

 The motor was still running. They were only waiting for me to step out. Levi had to return to headquarters to “discuss details” with Erwin. Details about my supervision, I supposed. I would enter my home, maybe make a phone call, or wait until the morning, and it would all start to unfold from there.

 “Erwin told you, didn’t he? Call your members together. Start doing your work.”

 Levi was frowning slightly as his eyes flickered over my face, as if they were looking for something in particular. I impeded his survey by staring down at my hands; my face was prone to divulging my innermost thoughts for those shrewd enough to read it.

 “You know that you have to do this, right?”

 I didn’t raise my head to acknowledge him.

 “Oi, Eren,” he said sternly. I reluctantly looked to him again, biting my lip. He held me in an unyielding stare. Eventually I nodded and broke away from the restraint.

 “Yeah, I know,” I muttered.

 The place was constricting. I needed to get out. I reached for the door handle, but a sudden grip on my wrist stopped me. Levi watched me wordlessly at first. I don’t know if his fingers really tightened around my wrist for a second, or if I imagined it. “You’ll do fine, brat.”

 I felt his fingers graze over my skin as he released me. He averted his gaze and said, “I’ll be in touch.”

 I heard the car pull away from the curb and set off down the street, almost soundlessly. I followed the path up to the porch and let myself in. The door supported my listless body for a long while as I leant my back against it, letting the stillness of the air around me seep into my pores, assimilating my body to this new setting.

 Rapidly I felt exhaustion taking over and I only just made it to my room where I collapsed onto my bed.

 A soft ray of light, issued from a street lamp outside, languished on the ceiling above me. I tried to persuade myself that it resembled something, an animal of some sort perhaps, or a person, but it was only a faint angular shape, nothing that could occupy my mental faculties for any length of time, regrettably. An imposing shadow in my mind hovered over it and all but erased it from existence.

 The image of Levi was like tattooed on the inside of my eyelids; dark eyes, flushed skin, parted lips. Every time I closed my eyes it was there. My heartbeat quickened. I clenched my hands into fists, frustrated when the image of him refused to leave me. There was a peculiar stirring inside of me, something that I had never known before.

 "Don't," my pleading voice sounded tiny in the murky room, "please don't do this to yourself."

 It was hard to swallow past the lump in my throat. I turned over onto my side; pulling my knees up to my chest and letting one hand grab the other to stop them from trembling.

 I really didn't need this on top of it all.

  _Levi is not on your side. You don't know him. He's only playing with you. Stop it. Don't do this._

 It was like I was running a fever, my skin searing hot. Possessed by a demon that I could not expel I clung to myself as the sensations ran through my body. They told me that I wanted his warmth pressing into me, that I needed to feel him close. I wanted to have his hungry lips on mine, to feel them trail hot paths on my skin. I needed his hands to travel all over my body, and hold me tight. And, god, I wanted him to open me up. I wanted him. I wanted him so goddamned much.

 There was no way I could resist touching myself just then. Desire raged throughout my body, driving all the blood south. Just brushing against my erection made me whimper with need. When I finally released it from its confines the flesh was hot beneath my fingers. I took in a sharp breath at the sensation and bit my lip as I started moving my hand, my thumb stroking over the tip to spread the liquid that had already collected there, to ease the friction. It was over quickly. I had a desperate need for release, and imagining that it was Levi pleasuring me made it even easier. I whispered his name as I came.

 I stared at my stained hand for a moment.

 "What a mess."

 I dragged myself to the bathroom to clean myself up. Before I finished I threw some cold water in my face. It was a nice soothing feeling. Not once did I catch my eyes in the mirror on the wall.

 Silently I padded back into my room where I started undressing. From the pockets of my jeans I retrieved my phone, which I laid on the nightstand. Crawling under the covers I wanted sleep to arrive, but my mind was still on Levi.

 Levi was like a riddle that denied being solved. He could be as cold and uncompromising as a glacier, but in the next moment he could be smooth and mellow, like the warmth of the spring sun. He kept alternating between the two. Which was his true self? Which was his mask? I didn’t know him well enough to see his true intentions. I had the feeling that he somehow sympathised with me, although I could not be sure. There had been times when I had caught something in his eyes, seen a momentary glitch in the components of his expression, a discrepancy between his words and his actions that gave me the feeling that he cared... But if anything, these things were mere figments of my imagination, nothing more.

 On the other hand, I knew for certain that he had helped me back then, when he pulled me out of that alley, for one. Sure, he had apparently been the one to oversee the assault, but as he said, he had been following orders. He could have left me there, but he didn't.

 And then, he had helped me during my interview with Erwin. I wasn't sure if he was aware of that, but it had been a deal breaker, for sure. It was strange, but he seemed to possess the ability of calming me down by appealing to my senses. Granted, he had been forced to punch me earlier when I didn’t listen to reason, but back in that office it only took me a reminder of that hit and the sound of his cool voice resonating in my head to calm myself. No violence had been needed to call me back. I had never experienced anything like that before. Never.

 Why was I so obsessed with him, though? I should despise him for what he was doing to me – ultimately, what the Legion was doing to me – right? And I did, sort of. I resented finding him here, invading my home, threatening my person and my family, but at the same time… there was a part of me that wanted to see him, wanted to feel that thrill his presence brought. It was nonsensical, but it was nonetheless true.

 I turned over onto my back and put my hands underneath my head, staring up into the ceiling like before, but not really seeing it. That same evening when Levi and I had walked down the street, when he told me that he had ordered those guys to beat me up, I had been so furious. I could still feel that bitter feeling linger on inside of me. It was strange how Levi had reacted to my fury. He had been properly upset. I remembered how scary he had looked after he hit me. Why, I wondered. It was almost like he had been disappointed in me. _You need to learn control over yourself._ Did he care for my well-being after all?

 I sighed heavily and rolled over to bury my face in my pillow. These idle thoughts were gaining me nothing, least of all sleep. I had to do one more thing before I could grant myself that, though. I reached for my phone. When I unlocked it the screen glared at me through the darkness. I composed a text and sent it to half a hundred people.

  **Eren:**

**_"We need to meet up tomorrow. 6pm. Everybody be there."_ **

I ignored the awful feeling that was blooming in my stomach and laid the phone down.

_______________

 The next morning saw me harassed by the sun prying itself in through the gaps of my blinds. I considered skipping school that day, but in the end I convinced myself to go. If I didn’t, I would just be spending the day loitering about the house doing nothing, being alone with my thoughts and myself until it was time for the meeting I had scheduled in the afternoon.

 My phone had been going off all night long. I should have known better than to send that text before trying to get some sleep.

**Connie:**

**_“Really?? Aw, that’s brilliant, man! It’s been too long!!”_**

**Jean:**

**_“So the ban has lifted, then? What happened?”_**

**Sasha:**

**_“Omg, yay! I’ve been hoping to hear from you every day now. Can’t wait to see everybody!”_**

**Reiner:**

**_“Awesome! ´S gonna be good seeing you again.”_**

**Marco:**

**_“Is everything all right? Sounds kinda serious.”_**

**_Ymir:_ **

**_“Yeah, sure, we’ll be there. See ya!”_**

There were a dozen or so more, but I didn’t read them all. I sent off another text telling them I would be explaining everything when we saw each other the next day.

 I was sitting at the kitchen table eating a bland breakfast when my phone buzzed again. I huffed and glared as I reached for it. “For god’s sake,” I grumbled through a mouthful. The next moment I was staring down at the screen with a perplexed look on my face.

**Unknown number:**

**_“How’s it going, brat?”_**

 I swallowed the food in my mouth and stared at the text for at least two more minutes. There was really only one person that could have sent me that. I had to make sure, though.

**Eren:**

**_“Is this Levi?”_**

 Tension built in me as I waited for a reply. The phone went off.

**Unknown number:**

**_“Yes.”_**

I bit my lip. I wasn’t surprised that he knew my number, really. You didn’t have to have a mastermind to find it anyways.

**Eren:**

**_“We’re having a meeting tonight. I’ve told everybody to come.”_**

 I finished my breakfast and cleared the table. It was depressing eating alone. I had been doing so for weeks now since Mikasa practically moved out. Well, I made her, so I shouldn’t be complaining. Still, it was lonely. I would have liked for her to come back home, but I didn’t feel like it was safe just yet. The best thing would be to wait until everything had been settled - whenever that was.

 I got another text while I was making a new contact on my phone.

**Levi:**

**_“Where?”_**

 I frowned. By telling him I would be giving the Legion the location of our base, and I didn’t find that appealing at all. I left the phone on the table and went to brush my teeth and get ready for school. With my backpack thrown across my shoulder I moved from my room to the kitchen to collect the phone that was waiting for me on the table. I wondered how long I could ignore that last text. The phone started ringing.

 … Apparently not that long.

 I stared at Levi’s name for a while before I ignored the call. I didn’t want to deal with that at the very moment. I needed to get myself to school. Maybe I would figure out a clever way to avoid leaking the location of our sanctuary.

_____________

 Levi only called once more during the day before it was silent. I was relieved when my phone stopped buzzing, although it made me kind of nervous. I didn’t think Levi to be the type to give up that easily.

 I was walking through the corridors, going from one lesson to another, when I ran into Sasha and Connie. We had been all but ignoring each other for the past couple of weeks, (to be exact: they had been ignoring me and I had been ignoring them - those two were inseparable) but they had obviously interpreted my text as permission to acknowledge me again, and tackled me like you would your firstborn returning home from war.

 “God, you guys – this kind of makes the last few weeks pointless.”

 I tried to sound annoyed, but I really wasn’t. I wasn’t annoyed at all. Sasha was covering her mouth with both of her hands, trying to contain her giggles and Connie was standing next to her, smiling brightly. I drank in their happy faces and stole with me some of their sunshine to the next class.

 It was a good day at school. Having talked to Sasha and Connie had brightened my day considerably, and we talked some more about Proust in literature. When lunchtime came around I went by myself to the back of the school building to sit at my usual bench. It was a lovely day; the sun was rather warm for early spring. I brought out the second copy of Proust’s _À la recherche du temps perdu_ and kept reading from where I had left off. The amount of anxiety that had been left in me slowly melted away as I surrendered myself to the beautiful creation that I had before me.

 I was so engrossed in the novel that I didn’t look up before someone was sitting down on the other side of the bench, facing me. My hold on the covers slipped and the book closed itself with an accusing _thud._

 “ _Levi?_ ”

 I blurted out. Sure, there he was, being all pale and perfect in the sunshine. He was wearing a black V-necked t-shirt, which did an amazing job of exposing his delicious collarbones, matched with a pair of black jeans – his usual attire, only with the addition of a pair of dark shades. Needless to say, he had me almost swooning. Undeniably affected by his good looks, I was also more than a little startled by seeing him sitting there, on my bench, out back of my school - it was just too surreal. He was the last person I would ever expect to encounter here. To me it seemed more plausible for the Dalai Lama to pop in than this guy. I tried to pull myself together.

 “What- what are you doing here?” I stammered, still flustered by his sudden appearance. Levi sighed heavily and removed his shades. With a throw to his head he stretched an arm out on the backrest of the bench and relaxed as he glanced at his surroundings with a look of disgust.

 “You didn’t answer my call,” he said and aimed his gaze at me, when he was pleased with his survey of the grounds. I swallowed.

 “I-I’m sorry. I was running late.”

 Levi regarded me for one long minute before he sat up and placed his arms on the table, leaning across it, and narrowing his eyes at me.

 “You are a shitty liar.”

 I was blushing furiously, which made him smirk at least. I was thankful that he was taking this so easily. I had been afraid that he would be seriously angry with me. He leaned back on the bench and raised his brows.

 “Well? Are you going to tell me?”

 I looked down at the cover of my book. What a fine red colour that was. “I don’t want to,” I said, horrified by how easily and honestly it slipped out of me. I looked to Levi again.

 “You know that I can just follow you there, right? I am going to find out either way, so why don’t you just tell me and make it easier for both of us?”

 The silence stretched out as we eyed each other. 

 “Why do you need to know?” I shifted in my seat, “You can’t show up there.”

 He snorted. “Obviously not, brat. But I need to see you right after the meeting is done. Erwin would want a detailed report on it.”

 There was no real need for him to know the location of our headquarters. We could meet up wherever. It was obvious that he was using this situation as an excuse for learning the whereabouts of our meeting place.

 “But why do you have to see me _there_? Can’t we just meet up someplace else? You could come to my house like before.”

 I only met his gaze fleetingly but I saw the flickering in his eyes as he caught on to my subtle hint. I looked down to my book again and started fiddling with the pages. When he didn’t answer me, I looked up again and saw him watching me fidget with the book. His eyes crinkled before they moved to meet mine.

 “No, I don’t think so, Eren.” He sounded serious.

 There was a sinking feeling of disappointment and confusion. I nodded mutely. I ended up telling him the location of our headquarters. I wasn’t happy about it, but I saw no way around it.

 “Brilliant,” he said and took out a packet of cigarettes. He lit one and brought it to his lips.

 “I didn’t know you smoked,” I said as I watched him take a drag of the cigarette. Damn, it suited him. Levi shook his head and let out a stream of smoke.

 “I don’t,” his eyes shifted to the building behind me. “It’s this friggin’ place. Gives me the creeps.”

 He took another drag of the cigarette. I turned around to look at the building. It was maybe the most aesthetically pleasing building in town, so I doubted he was talking about the structure of it. I turned back to him.

 “Did you go here?”

 Levi was still looking at the school building. Ash was dripping from the butt of his cigarette. Eventually he nodded. “Yeah. It’s been… seven years.”

 Seven years? That made him, I scrounged up my face subconsciously, what, 25? He must have seen me working on the numbers because a smile was tugging at the corner of his lips. “I’m 24,” he clarified, “I dropped out the second year. School didn’t really suit me.”

 “Oh.”

 I didn’t know what to say, as I was very busy storing away the information he was divulging. He was being rather talkative. It was pleasant, I thought, as I looked him over. I felt nice seeing him there in the sun, with a half smile on his lips and amused eyes trained on me. There was a jolt inside of me that I pretended not to notice. I wanted to hear more, but I didn’t know what to ask about, or what would be ok for me to ask about. Damn, why did my brain work so slowly? My fingertips brushed absently against the book in front of me on the table. Levi’s gaze descended on the book between my hands and it looked like something entertaining crossed his mind.

 ”Longtemps, je me suis couché de bonne heure.”

 The words rolled off his tongue effortlessly and with perfection. Levi inhaled another round of nicotine and peered at me through a veil of smoke that spilled from between his lips. I didn’t know French, but those words in particular I knew. He smirked when he saw my reaction. He nodded to the book. “You’re still sticking with Proust, I see. I’m impressed.”

 I cleared my throat, attempted to clear my mind. “Have you read him?”

 Levi shrugged and stubbed out his cigarette on the bench. “I’ve read some. My mum was French - she loved Proust.”

 “Oh, uhm – what do you think?” I said, eager for the conversation to continue. I didn’t want him to leave just yet. I had never had the chance to talk with him like this before and I was very interested in hearing his opinion about maybe my favourite author. He reached for the shades he had put on the table, eyes fixed on the task. His brows knit together in a frown as he grabbed them and brought them to his breast pocket.

 “I think he’s… overwhelming,” he said hesitantly, not meeting my eyes. “I don’t think I understand him, although… I’d like to.”

 Levi’s frown had deepened as he spoke and when he started getting up it was like he was determined not to look at me. He brought out his shades and let them shield his eyes. I opened my mouth and tried to come up with a reply; seeing that he was about to leave and realising that I didn’t want him to.

 “Ah, well, he can be pretty confusing at times, but –“ I started saying, but Levi cut me off.

 “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later at the designated place.” In his voice there was no trace of the familiarity I thought that I had detected during our exchange. It was impassive, refuting my beliefs of having gained any ground with him whatsoever. I cleared my throat and looked up at him, squinting against the sun. My throat felt sore, for some reason. But then, I don’t think it was a trick of the light, his stony features softened faintly. “It was nice talking to you, brat.”

 The next minute he was walking away. “The name is Eren!” I shouted after him as I watched him go. I should have been annoyed, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t annoyed at all.

_____________

 Later that day I took the bus down towards the city centre. I got off before that though, at the bridge crossing the railroads out of town. Having avoided being in public for a few weeks now, I felt extremely strung out. I tried to act normal, but I doubt my shifty eyes and nervous demeanour did me any good. There weren’t many people on the bus, just an old lady and a couple of youths in the back, but I was glad when I stepped out.

 The relief subsided when I took in the familiar surroundings. Tacky and run-down shop fronts lined the street on both sides. Many had been closed down, shuttered up, graffiti decorating the walls. It was an eyesore that successfully gave me a headache. It had gotten to a point where I would close my eyes in demonstration whenever I rode the bus into town; I was so sick of seeing it all.

 The contagious yellow light was already spilling from the street lamps along the street, so I made my way swiftly to a maintenance ladder I knew was hid in the wall of the bridge. I focused on my task, on the rungs beneath my feet as I climbed down and the coldness of the steel ladder, making my hands go numb, and tried not to entertain the disquieting thoughts that were nipping at me.

 I followed the tracks for a little before I crossed them, heading for the area of concrete skeletons a mile or so ahead. The hollow empty buildings rose up into the air, demanding to be seen, but for their insistence their presence stayed peculiarly anonymous. They had developed a sort of forbidding and accusing aura now, having been rejected for so long, therefore people liked to pretend they were not there at all.

 As I approached them I became increasingly nervous. I did my best to breathe deeply and remind myself that I shouldn’t be stressing out over this. It was just a brief get-together, sort of. I would just tell them that everything was ok, and that we could keep going as before - and that was that, really. And it would be nice, seeing them again. I should be happy about seeing my friends, my family – right?

 After a moment’s search I found the small path in the brush on the side of the tracks and followed it until I was standing on asphalt, tall empty shells of concrete towering above me. Had the aura of unfriendliness always been so prominent? If so, I had been completely oblivious to it. I repressed a shudder and brought my phone out. It was nearing six o’clock. I shoved my hands in my pockets and started walking towards the nearest building on my right.

 There were no lights here, and it was getting darker, but I liked it this way. When I turned the corner I saw a couple of figures approaching.

 “Hey – Eren, is that you?”

 I recognised Jean’s voice. I stopped and waited for them to draw closer.

 “Hey, guys. Glad you could make it,” I felt myself smile and hoped it looked genuine. Maybe I was being unreasonable, but I couldn’t help the feeling of dislike that heralded itself in me when I saw who Jean was with - Reiner, Annie and Bertholt. I tried not to look suspicious.

 Reiner was giving me an easy smile, Bertholt looked timid as ever, and Annie was just staring at me with an impassive expression. Jean looked happy about seeing me, though. He threw an arm around my shoulder and steered me towards the open entrance to our building.

 “It’s really good seeing you again, man. I’m glad you changed your mind.”

 “Changed my mind,” I echoed, “I haven’t changed my mind about anything, Jean. I meant every word I said earlier.”

 His grin faded as we entered the building and he retracted his arm from my shoulder. “But, I thought this meant that we could all –“

 I waved him off. “Don’t worry, I want us to return back to normal as much as you do. That doesn’t mean I condone of the choices you made earlier.”

 He looked away then and didn’t answer. We manoeuvred through the dark corridor till we saw light issuing from a doorway up ahead. Voices sounded and there was laughter too. It hurt a little actually; I think it must have been the bittersweet feeling of nostalgia.

 “Is there anything in particular you want to tell us, Eren?”

 Annie’s cold voice pierced through the darkness. I didn’t like her tone and I didn’t turn around to look at her when I spoke. “Do I _need_ to have a reason for calling everybody together? Meeting up like this, that was how we used to be.” I clenched my fists. I wanted her to respond but she was silent; there were only the sound of our footsteps and the laughter that was coaxing me forward.

 A mass of people where lounging on the floor chatting, in the middle of a circle of light provided by the battery driven lights we kept in the place. Mats were scattered on the floor, it was really too cold without them. I was glad to see that everything seemed to be the same as the last time I had been here, which would be, what, two months or so? It was a miracle that these buildings could stay unoccupied by squatters or drug addicts. A bunch of troubled teenagers were the only occasional visitors here, it appeared.

 There were a few shouts and some cheering when I entered and it warmed a little. I found that I didn’t have to pretend to be happy or friendly with them as I sat down among them. It was all very natural. Despite everything that had happened I had known many of them for a long time and we had spent a lot of time together. It felt nice to act like everything was fine for a moment, to chat easily with them and laugh at some stupid joke Connie told. When I looked at them now I found it hard to believe that they would ever go behind my back. Maybe it had all been in my imagination after all?

 “So, Eren, does this mean that we can stop ignoring each other now?” Ymir asked eventually. Everybody was paying attention to me now. I smiled.

 “Yes, I reckon it should be safe meeting up again from now on. It seems like things have calmed down a bit. However,” I warned, “don’t go doing anything reckless. And please don’t pick more fights with the Legion or any other groups. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, and provoking them will ultimately end in the whole group being targeted.”

 There were nods of agreement all around and I was pleased. When we had been sitting there for a while talking and messing about, I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to be doing research. Looking at the familiar faces, guilt welled up in me and made me sick to my stomach. Yes, that’s right, I had sold my loyalty to the Legion and was going to hand over one - or maybe more - of my own so that I could save my own skin.

 I had to remind myself that it was not entirely like that, though. I wasn’t just doing this for myself; I was doing it for the future of our community too. Once the culprit had been revealed and my innocence had been proven, everything could go back normal.

 Because no matter how pleasant it seemed now, sitting with them, laughing and talking, something was not right. I could see that some people had trouble looking me straight in the eye when they talked to me. Some didn’t even acknowledge my presence. Although we sat in a circle, people had grouped together at the edges and were having conversations that were too low to catch. The tension present would be obvious to anyone observing the scene.

 Things were not all right. They seemed all right now, maybe, on the surface, when I could ignore that feeling of unfriendly eyes in my back and focus instead on the few smiling faces in front of me, but it would only be a matter of time before something happened again, I knew. A new fight, illicit activities gone out of hand, someone being seriously injured or even killed…

 If I could sort this out quickly, then no one needed to be hurt, or at least no one innocent. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I brought it out and glanced discreetly at it.

**Levi:**

**_“I’m nearby. Where should we meet when you are done?”_**

 I quickly typed back a reply.

**Eren:**

**_“By the railway. There’s a path, if you can find it.”_**

I put my phone away and responded to a question Marco had just asked.

 Only for a little while longer, I told myself. Only for a little while longer would I allow myself to enjoy this, to pretend that the menace creeping in from the outside of this circle of light did not exist, and that I wasn’t a dirty fucking liar about to stab his friends in the back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, there is a lot going on in this one. A bit of everything, really. 
> 
> We are slowly but surely getting to know Levi better. I have to agree with Eren - he's a riddle. 
> 
> I hope you like! 
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading, you are all lovely people <3


	10. Chapter 10

I watched them sitting there cross legged on the mats on the floor, their banter and their happy faces, almost like a doting parent. There was Jean, acting all cool, but looking slightly embarrassed after causing Marco to break out in tears of laughter because of something stupid he had just said. Next to them were Ymir, Christa, Sasha and Connie; all engaged in a conversation about some new film that was out.

 I had only been zoning out for a minute or so, before Reiner flopped down next to me, Bertholt tagging along with him, drawing me back to the present.

 "Hey, Eren."

 "Hey.”

 I wasn’t sure how to act towards this guy. I didn’t know him very well, and although he seemed nice, I had this weird feeling about him. I was trying to come up with something to say when he started talking. "You know, I'm really glad that you decided to bring us together again. Bertholt and I really appreciate being a part of you guys, and we were more than a little bummed out when all that crap happened. I honestly thought that we were going to disband," he said. "So, thanks. It's nice to have a place where you belong."

 It was hard not to like him when he gave me such an unaffected-looking smile. I had never been very good at receiving praise, though. "Oh, um, no problem. I never wanted for us to disband - I mean, I _still_ don't want for us to disband. My only intention was to let things cool down a little before we took the chance of meeting up again."

 Reiner nodded understandingly. "It's great to hear you say that. And I think it was the right decision. I mean, those guys from the Legion are pretty tough. If anybody had run into them right after that incident at the freight yard, I don’t think the outcome would have been pretty.”

 I looked away. "Yeah." I didn’t like to think about what could have happened, or what might happen in the future. I thought that the Legion would maybe lay off now that I was cooperating with them, and wait until I brought them some results of my investigation. But if they were to be provoked by us I couldn’t guarantee that they would stay docile.

 "What are we going to do if they attack us?"

 I shrugged. "If it comes to that, we'll just have to fight. But if we stay out of their hair that shouldn’t be a problem."

 It was getting late, and somewhere out there, in the night, by tracks gleaming in the moonlight, I knew someone was waiting for me.

 "Well, guys, I need to be heading home."

 I started getting up from the floor; my legs aching from the uncomfortable position they had been in. There were a few sounds of protest.

 "Come on, Eren. Don't be such a square."

 "Fuck off, Jean."

 There was a bite to it that I couldn’t restrain even if I tried. Jean, however, adopted a look of someone overly offended, and successfully played it off. He looked to those sitting next to him, going, "You see how he speaks to me?" I rolled my eyes at his stupidity.

 I didn’t feel partial to him, doubted that I ever could again. His audacity pissed me off, and I hated him because I _knew_ that he was somehow or other involved in foul play. I wanted to see his skull kicked in for that. Somewhere along the line, that wish would probably be granted, and not necessarily by me. I knew that if I were to start digging anywhere, I should start by talking to Jean. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was scared of what I would learn when I did, and what that knowledge would require me to do.

 I raised my voice and addressed the whole room. “Hey, guys, listen up!” The chatter died down and all faces turned to me, some with partiality some without. “I’ve got to go, but I just wanted to say thank you for coming here tonight.” My eyes roamed over the faces watching me, trying to identify the hosts of the antagonism I felt directed at me. I cleared my throat and made my voice as authoritative as I could, thinking of one person in particular as I did so.

 “Also, everything I said before still counts. I want you to stay away from other gangs – especially the Legion. We do not want to mess with them. You should know that I have received several threats from them, and if we toe the line one more time, I’m sure they won’t hesitate to make us regret that.”

 I was met with nods and noises of agreement, also with cold stares and noncommittal faces. No one spoke up, however, except Sasha who said, “Sure thang, Eren.” and Ymir going, “Rigtho, boss!”.

 "I'll see you guys later." I waved at them, disregarding those people at the edges of the room, wondered if there was some way for me to chuck them all out of here, preferably out of existence, too. I exited the room and headed down the dark corridor. I was nearly at the end when someone called out to me.

 "Yo, Eren.”

 I turned to see Connie approaching me in the darkness. "Connie. What's up?"

 He was biting his lip as he stepped closer before halting a few feet away. It was rather dark, but I could still make out his features. “I didn't really get to say this before, so I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry about everything that has happened. "

 “Oh,” I managed.

 “I’ve made some bad decisions, but I promise, after the fight at the yard, I haven’t done anything reckless. I realised then how dangerous this is – for all of us.”

 I wondered where this sudden confession came from. I sensed that he wasn’t finished, so I waited patiently for him to continue. He took a deep breath.

 “Everything you said – after that fight – it’s all true. We’re nothing but a bunch of kids, and we don’t stand a chance against those folks in the Legion. I don’t want anybody getting hurt - I don’t want Sasha getting hurt.” He was clenching his fists, looking at me, but not really seeing me, seeing an unspeakable phantom of his own mind, perhaps.

 His eyes were focusing on me again, now with a determined look. “I’ll do whatever you say from now on, Eren, and I’ll never question it. I know you only have our best interests in mind; you always had, so I trust you.”

 I swallowed, rather taken aback by this passionate sentiment. I saw him trembling slightly as he waited for me to respond. There was a silent plea for forgiveness in the features of his face. My voice sounded a bit shaky when I responded. “So you think I can fix this?”

 “Yeah, I know you can, Eren.”

 I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep them occupied. I lowered my head to the concrete floor. In the dark it sort of melted into the walls, and the walls melted into the ceiling and it was just like we were standing in this void where it was impossible to navigate. “Do you really think it’s that easy, Connie? Where the hell am I supposed to start?”

I snapped my head back up to look at him. His expression changed from determined to nonplussed. His mouth opened to suggest something but nothing came out.

 “Tell me. If you care about your friends, if you care about Sasha, then tell me all you know. Help me fix things.”

 I had taken a few steps towards him without even noticing it. My hands were trembling in my pockets. Connie looked nervously at me and took a step back. “E-Eren, I don’t know. I – I really don’t.” He was scared, I saw.

 “You just said that you would do everything I asked of you. I’m asking you this; help me set things right. I just want to end this so that everybody can be safe.”

 I made an effort to calm myself as I didn’t want to frighten him or ending up hurting him. He looked at me with a pair of massive eyes, his breath coming in short huffs. I watched and waited. Eventually his shoulders lowered and he composed himself enough to control his breathing.

 “All right,” he said, “All right, I’ll tell you what I know, but there’s not a lot.”

 I took in a breath that made me shiver and held it. I had pierced through, at least one layer. My muscles tensed in anticipation as I stared at Connie, not daring to let my eyes wander off him for even a second; afraid he might slip away and leave me in the dark.

 He approached me slowly, and after having thrown a look over his shoulder at the door at the other end of the corridor, he lowered his voice and said, “I – I really don’t know a lot, Eren – it’s true.” He spoke hurriedly, in fear of being caught here talking confidentially to me, I assumed.

 “That night at the freight yard, I got a call from Jean. He told a bunch of people to come there if they wanted to settle the score with the Legion.” He bit his lip and averted his eyes; I still hadn’t ended my relentless stare. “I don’t know how Jean knew that they would be there, though.” There was a pause. I didn’t say anything. I already knew this. The prolonged silence compelled him to continue.

 “I won’t deny it, Eren. I – I wanted to fight them,” he admitted in a quiet tone. “It felt right after what they had done to us – what they had done to you.”

 He dared to glance at me, only briefly. I was clenching my teeth and actively fighting the growl that was threatening to rip from my throat. “I told you not to do anything, but you still went ahead and did it,” I bit out.

 I wanted to grab him and shove him into the wall, take my anger and frustration out on him, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair. The anger I had felt back at the yard came surging back to me, almost choking me, now that he was telling me these things. But I knew that this wasn’t just Connie’s fault. Sure, he had been a part of it, but it wasn’t exclusively his fault. He was standing here before me now, owning up to his mistakes and I was grateful for that. I respected that. I softened my expression as these thoughts flitted through my mind. I didn’t want to scare him off after all, especially not when he might gain me insight into what was going on behind the scenes.

 “I know and I’m sorry. It was just –“ he took a deep breath before he continued, “I wasn’t the only one who felt like that – most of us did; that we needed to take a stand.” He buried his eyes in concrete again. “People wondered why you didn’t do anything about it,” he muttered, “thought you weren’t acting like a proper leader should.”

 The words were hurtful. Not because of what they meant, but because of what they revealed about the people who had uttered them. It didn’t slight me that I wasn’t regarded as a “proper leader”. I had never aimed for being a “proper leader”. It hurt me that the people I thought knew me had misunderstood me so completely. I had just wanted a place where I could belong – apparently that had not been enough for them. My nails were digging into the flesh of my palms

“I already fucking told you – “ I began, but Connie cut me off in a hurry, holding his hands up defensively.

 “No but, Eren! I see now that you were right. Thinking back, I’m not sure why it was so important for us to assert ourselves. I think it just felt good, you know? Being powerful. It sounds awful, but it felt great beating the shit out of those guys, especially because they sort of deserved it. But,” he smiled a bit sheepishly and drew a hand across his crew cut. “I mean, I’m happy just hanging out with you guys, and that is enough. Making it big, fighting, I dunno, that doesn’t interest me anymore. Not after the reality check you gave us after that fight.”

 Instead of planting a fist in his face I placed my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. So there was at least one person who was of the same mind as me. The resentment dissipated. I saw that he was being genuine. It was such an immense relief to be able to look upon a face as honest as his.

 “Thanks, Connie. I appreciate it,” I said. “I really do. You being honest - it’s so rare these days, you know.”

 I’m sure my dejectedness escaped together with those words. I gave him a wan smile and it was nice seeing the one that spread across his face in return. Then he said intently, “But I’ve told you everything that I know. You can trust me, Eren.”

 I let out a bitter laugh and removed my hand from his shoulder. “That makes one, at least.”

 Connie frowned. “No, I’m not the only one. I know that with all the new people who have joined lately, it’s so hard to tell who’s the real deal or not. But those who have been here from the beginning – Sasha, Ymir, Christa, Marco, Jean, me – you can trust us. We have made mistakes, but I know they all regret the choices they have made.” He was pleading for them.

 I just nodded, not entirely convinced. “Thanks again, Connie. I’m glad that you told me this.”

He was awkwardly scratching at his neck. “Anytime. Just, let me know if there’s anything you need, yeah?”

__________

 I left the building at a slow pace, not wanting to look suspicious in case anyone should be watching me. I was starting to think that this had not been a very good idea. I brushed a hand through my hair absentmindedly. Why couldn’t we have just met up at my place as I had suggested? Damn it all.

 The conversation I had just had with Connie was still swirling around my head. You can trust me Eren, he had said. You can trust us. I believed he was telling the truth. He honestly thought that I could trust them, although I knew for a fact that there was one person he had included on that list that I should not be trusting.

 I shuffled through the darkness, making sure that there was nobody around to see me, turned the corner of the building and walked towards the railway. It would have been pretty dark by now, had it not been for the moon filtering its light through a layer of thin grey clouds, providing a little light so that I could at least make out where I was putting my feet. There was a light wind haunting the night; carding its gentle fingers through the strands of my hair. I tried my best to ignore the way my body was tensing up in anticipation as I neared the brush by the railway, and that weird fluttering in my stomach was definitely not there.

 I stumbled along the uneven path, feeling the night dew seeping into my tennis shoes. The gravel was loud beneath my feet when I emerged from the brush. I made a face at how obnoxious the entrance sounded. I was sure it hadn’t been so frigging loud when I came this way earlier.

 Turning my head left and right, I searched for a figure that was supposed to be here somewhere, nearby, waiting for me. I walked along the tracks, towards the bridge in the distance, keeping an eye out for Levi. Seriously, that gravel was making too much noise for my liking.

 I was starting to think that he might have gone home, being fed up with waiting for so long, but then I saw something up ahead. There, a little to the right of the tracks, almost hidden by the shrubbery, I saw someone sitting on a pile of concrete sleepers. I picked up my pace, not wanting to creep up on him, but I was pretty sure he had already heard me approaching by then.

 “Took your sweet time, didn’t you?” he greeted me. He had been staring ahead of him into the distance, leaning back on his arms as he did, but he turned his head to look at me when I halted next to him. When I looked upon his face I was so grateful that the moon was out.

 “Sorry,” I said as I laid a hand on the cold concrete of the sleepers and hoisted myself up next to him.

 He waved it off and retrieved a packet of cigarettes from his coat. Silence settled between us while I watched him lighting up. He had some trouble with the lighter, his fingers looked clumsy. The wind brushed past again, more insistent this time, and more chilly than not. I figured he must be cold, having been sitting here for a while. I was about to offer my help with the lighter when he started muttering curses under his breath, cigarette twitching between his lips, but I doubted he would take kindly to that. Finally he succeeded and brought the flame up to the white paper roll. He drew his coat tighter around him as he let out a cloud of smoke.

 “Well, are you just going to sit there?” He shifted his attention back to me. “How did it go?”

 The cold of the concrete we were sitting on was quickly seeping into my body and I was shivering in no time. “Can’t we talk somewhere else? It’s really cold.”

 “No,” Levi answered curtly. “Just tell me what happened so we can be out of here.”

 “You’re being unreasonable,” I grumbled defiantly, pressing my hands in between my thighs to keep them warm. He snorted and took a drag of his cigarette.

 “Maybe so, but that hardly matters. Stop complaining and get on with it, brat.”

 I sighed but told him that nothing interesting had happened. “We just sat around talking, just hanging out. It felt almost like the old days,” I shrugged. My eyes were fixed on my dangling feet. “Before I left I told them again that they should keep out of trouble.” I lifted my head to look at him. “Please, if they still do anything reckless, please don’t hurt them. There’s no point, right? I mean, not until I figure out what’s going on.”

I searched for his eyes, but a curtain of black hair was preventing me. He tapped off some ash from the butt of his cigarette and said, “Sorry, kid. I can’t promise anything. Anyways, I’m not the one making the decisions.”

 My stomach dropped. No, Levi wasn’t in charge. I knew all too well who was in charge, and I also knew that he would not spare anyone acting out, even if they were a group of boneheaded teenagers. So I just nodded, seeing that my pleading for them would go unheeded. 

 “What else?” he asked.

 “Um, it seems like there are a few people on my side, willing to help me out. This one guy talked to me about it – I think I can trust him. He didn’t know much, though,” I tapered off.

 Levi hummed in response, exhaling a trail of smoke that was snatched away in an instant by the increasingly demanding wind. “So, nothing substantial, in other words.”

 “Oh, it was pretty substantial to me,” I said, a little ticked off by his wording. Learning that at least one person was sorry for what he had done to the group – what he had done to me – and that I could trust him, it meant a lot. Levi didn’t rise to the bait, though. He just pushed his fringe out of his eyes and regarded me quietly. The wind came along and disarranged his hair immediately. The air it brought with it contained a stench that I hadn’t been aware of until now. As the wind had picked up speed it had become more pervasive. I had to exert myself to keep from gagging. Levi was scrunching up his face at it too, I saw.

 "I fucking hate this place." The words broke for my mouth like a vicious, untamed animal. “It’s rotten to the core.”

 The railway gleamed in the light of the moon, looking like a keen blade cutting through the night in a remorseless manner. It felt like it was slicing me open. Levi flicked the butt of his cigarette onto the tracks, where it bounced once, scattering its orange glow in the hungry night. I watched it die out.

 "It's pretty shitty here, I’ll admit,” Levi spoke up, albeit in a resigned manner. I couldn’t hear any venom in his words, like you could in mine. I stopped letting the tracks cut me open and escaped to the soothing sound of Levi’s voice instead. He was stretching his arms out behind him again and was leaning on them as he took in the city skyline in front of us. I held my breath.

 “But there's a nice place down by the harbour,” he continued. “When the sun rises it's nice to see it hit the surface of the water, and how it pours over the docks and the watersheds on both sides – for a moment it almost looks clean."

 Each word was like the stroke of a brush, each contributing to painting a picture in my mind; the brownish waters were transformed to quicksilver that glittered delightfully in a cascade of sunlight poured down from above. It was so bright and pure, almost blinding. And there by the waterfront, on a set of steps, I saw Levi sitting, serene, watching the miracle unfold before his eyes.

 “It looks nice, and just for a tiny moment I let myself believe it,” he said lamely. When I looked at him I saw that he was frowning now. There was a shift in his tone of voice.

 “But it’s a fucking illusion,” he laughed, he actually laughed, spitefully and shook his head, presumably at his perceived stupidity. “’Cause when the sun’s not blinding you anymore, you can see alt the filth and dirt lying around. It smells too. Piss and shit and alcohol – this whole town reeks with it. And suddenly you realise the waters that looked so innocent stinks of garbage and rot.”

 Not quite reconciled yet, it seemed, the spite permeating his every word. He had lived longer than me, seen more than me, experienced more than me; a wound that he sometimes thought healed but was confounded when it was regularly reopened and the blood denied to coagulate.

 “After that, the smell sticks with you wherever you go.”

 What he was talking about reminded me of a special kind of nausea that I was familiar with. 

 “I know what you mean.” I said quietly. Levi shifted his gaze to me, peered through the darkness at my face to fix me with his shrewd eyes - assessing me.

 “I guess you do.”

 I shivered beneath his gaze. It felt different now, somehow, there was another quality to it. It would have been so quiet if it hadn’t been for the impatient wind that whistled past and in between the buildings a little way behind us. A crush of gravel added itself to the symphony.

 My blood ran cold in an instant and I saw Levi’s expression darken in a flash as he heard it too. Quickly, I jumped off the pile and scanned our surroundings while the adrenaline pumped through my veins in a violent fashion. There was no sign of anybody; neither up the tracks nor down. But it was all too easy for anybody to hide in the shrubbery, so the absence of a listener hardly comforted me. “Shit,” I hissed.

 When I turned around I saw Levi standing next to the pile of railway sleepers, ready to leave. “Time to go, brat,” he said sharply, voice low.

 He started walking at a brisk pace and I fell into step next to him. My heart was still beating in alarm, and I couldn’t help throwing anxious glances over my shoulder to see if anybody was following us. The bridge ahead approached us quickly as we made our way swiftly towards it, keeping close to the vegetation on the right.

 “Shit,” I repeated, digging my hands into my hair. “What if someone saw you?”

 “Shut up,” he ordered, grabbed my arm roughly and tugged me with him into the brush.

 “What are you – “ I stumbled through the foliage, dragged forward relentlessly by a short angry man.

 “ _Shut the fuck up,_ ” he snarled. It reminded me of our first encounter.

 When we appeared on the other side he led me down a narrow road leading away from the area of abandoned buildings. “Ow, ow, you can let go now,” I hissed at him. Levi let me go and marched onwards down the street, me trailing behind trying to keep up.

 He was keeping a watchful eye on his surroundings. I too was feeling rather nervous, but I couldn’t see anyone in the near vicinity. Levi’s hand was at my elbow, gentler now, as he steered me into a side street where I saw a car parked by the curb. He shoved a hand in his pocket and the next minute the car was unlocked.

 Levi didn’t have to ask, I got in the passenger seat. Once I was seated I relaxed into the comfortable chair. Breathing heavily from the physical exertion, I felt a little embarrassed. My stamina was nothing to brag about. Levi on the other hand seemed just fine. He started the engine and pulled out of the street.

 As I thought of the consequences that could arise from me being spotted with Levi, I started groaning in anguish, but the glance he sent me shut me up.

 “Calm down, brat.”

 I couldn’t help panicking. “But what if someone saw you?!”

 “I said, relax. We don’t know for sure there was anybody there,” his voice was calm. He changed gears and stopped at a red light. He was heading for the main road. “Besides, they could not have been close enough to see either me nor you.”

 My pulse slowed down a little at his words. “Yeah, I guess.”

 I let myself slip into the comfortable state of being a passenger in a dark humming vehicle. No choices for me to make; I basked in passivity. I turned my head to look at Levi driving. His profile was stunning. My profile always made me feel uneasy, but he just looked perfect from every angle it seemed. The illumination from the streetlights passing by was caught in the strands of his hair, making them shine softly. He looked beautiful.

 “Stop staring, you creep.”

 I averted my eyes, but didn’t have the strength in me to feel embarrassment. Fatigue was slowly seeping into my muscles and I felt sleepy. “Where are we going?” I asked.

 “I’m taking you home.”

 His voice was comfortable. I realised I liked it even more than the steady hum of the engine. I felt my eyelids growing heavy.  We turned right at a roundabout and found us on the main road, leading to the outskirts of town, toward my school and my neighbourhood.

 “You told me you didn’t smoke,” I said aloud. I hadn’t planned to, it was just supposed to be a private thought. Levi didn’t say anything. My head lolled sideways and I closed my eyes just for a little while.

 “Oi, brat, stop drooling on my leather seats.” Someone was jabbing me in the shoulder and I sat up immediately, very confused. Levi was glaring at me from the driver’s seat, fingers tapping out an impatient rhythm on the steering wheel. I saw that we were parked outside my house.

 “Ah, sorry!” I drew a hand across my face. “Um, thanks for driving me home.” My voice was a bit hoarse from sleep. Shit, I had not intended to fall asleep in his car. Apparently I had looked like a drooling idiot, too. He sighed and shook his head.

 “Whatever,” he looked out the windshield, still tapping out a rhythm with his fingers. I took this as a cue to get out and started reaching for the door handle. “Hey,” Levi said suddenly. For a beat he hesitated, “Contact me if there’s anything you need.”

 I froze, sure that I had misheard. Levi wasn’t looking at me, eyes fixed on a point outside the window. But eventually he turned and met my bewildered stare. He lifted his eyebrows. “Ok?”

 “Yeah, a-all right.” I breathed. “Thanks again, Levi.”

 It felt really good saying his name. It spread warmth in my chest. He just nodded and started the engine.

 I stood at the curb watching him turn the car around and drive away.

 Stumbling into the empty house, I headed straight for bed. Although I should have been lying awake worrying about a thousand things, I fell asleep instantly, and I had not slept so soundly in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo - I had too much to do this week, but I hope this chapter turned out ok. 
> 
> Nocturnal urban settings are my favourite. I really enjoyed writing that scene with Levi and Eren ^_^ 
> 
> I've got easter break now, which means going to the mountains, skiing, no internet, no electricity, no hot water, no civilisation - basically getting in touch with my inner primitive viking. Therefore it might be some time before the next chapter is up. But I hope you enjoyed this one :) 
> 
> Again, thank you so so so much for all the kudos and comments and bookmarks, you have no idea how happy it makes me. 
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	11. Chapter 11

 It was a Saturday. I woke up, confused, to the smell of coffee, eggs and bacon. When I emerged from my room, bleary eyed, I was met with the sight of my sister, Mikasa, standing by the stove, black hair pulled back into a ponytail. She looked up and saw me standing there, still half asleep.

 “Good morning,” she said with a smile. “Come sit down. I’ve made you some breakfast.”

 I crossed the cold floors on my bare feet and sat down at the table, somewhat awkwardly. She put a plate down in front of me and went to pour me a cup of coffee. “Thanks,” I said, receiving it with both hands, appreciating the burn of the hot ceramic, like it was berating me for my colourless language.

 Mikasa had already turned her back on me, clearing away a carton of eggs and the rashers, putting it in the fridge. I still hadn’t touched my food. As the grogginess started leaving my body, I half expected Mikasa to vanish in a puff of smoke, convinced that this was just a dream.

 “How have you been?” I said, relieved that I could do it, that I still knew how to form a sentence, and that my voice still worked.

 It had been weeks since we had seen each other. Had she gotten thinner?

 She sat down opposite me, picking at her sleeve, apparently not ready to meet my eyes straight away. “I’ve been fine,” she said, her voice sounding lighter than usual, or maybe I had just forgotten what she sounded like.

 “Good. That’s good.” A pause. “Aren’t you having anything?” I asked then, frowning.

 She shrugged, finally meeting my eye. “No, I’m not that hungry. I’ll have something later.”

 “Ok,” I conceded, not entirely convinced. Her shoulders looked sharper than before, like it would hurt if you put your head on them.

 Mikasa was cradling her own cup of coffee between her palms. I started working on my breakfast. When I swallowed the first mouthful I realised how hungry I actually was. But I found it hard to focus on eating, because of how Mikasa was now scrutinising me. Prodding eyes took in my every feature, scanning my face, looking for any bruises, injuries, any sign of deficiency at all. I grew increasingly uncomfortable under her stare; I could not taste the food in my mouth any longer. There was a slight crease in between her eyebrows, not yet very pronounced. It reminded me that I had to be cautious when speaking to her.

 “It’s nice seeing you again,” I admitted, feeling warmth spread through my chest as I sipped my coffee. It was strong, just like she always made it. Mikasa gave me a smile.

 “It’s nice being back,” she crossed her legs under the table, “but how long can I stay?” she mused. I detected no hurt, no anger in her words, but her question made me feel uncomfortable. She was asking her little brother permission to stay in her own home. When had I gained the authority to impose my will upon her? It wasn’t right.

 I wanted her to be here, I really did. It was lonely living here all by myself, kept company by my doleful thoughts alone. I was tempted to ask her to stay, but seen as I did not yet know if it would be safe, it was better that she was elsewhere. I couldn’t get these words out of my mouth for some reason, so I said, “How’s college?” instead, before swallowing another mouthful of the meal she had prepared for me, an act of kindness that I did not deserve.

 Sighing, Mikasa leant back in her chair. The crease between her eyebrows had deepened; I should have known that it could not be avoided. For a moment she regarded me with a sour expression, her jaw set. I braced myself for an outburst, but thankfully it didn’t come.

 “It’s all right,” she responded abruptly, an edge to her voice. “I’ve got my hands full, but I’m not complaining.” Her eyes flickered down to the hands in her lap, turning them over for inspection. “How could I be? Complaining I mean.” It wasn’t directed at me, the question.

 Indeed, how could she be complaining? Being a straight-A student, she had gotten a scholarship and was attending college a town over. She was doing great, but it was obviously taking its toll on her, having to work two part time jobs to make ends meet. But when you had been given an opportunity such as hers you were not supposed to complain.

 “I’m thinking about moving out,” she said, looking over at me. “One of my friends asked if I wanted to share a flat with her. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s cheap and close to college. I’ve been saving up for a while, so I think I can just about afford it.”

 I didn’t say anything, taking a sip of my coffee.

 “Then I’ll be out of your way,” she added.

 I put my cup down. “That’s not how it is, Mikasa,” I muttered. “I just want you to be safe.”

 She didn’t say anything, and let a heavy silence descend unhindered, not feeling generous enough to deliver me. It suited me right.

 “So, finally skipping town!” I laughed. My voice sounded foreign and strained. No longer hungry I pushed the plate away and brought my cup to my lips to hide the stiffness of my mouth. “I can’t say I blame you. If everybody had been given the chance to leave here, there would have been no one left.”

 Why this sinking feeling in my stomach? Didn’t I want her to be safe? Safe from intruders, of those who could possibly hurt her to get to me, and maybe more importantly, she would be safe from me. I should be rejoicing! I had successfully driven her away!

 Mikasa turned her head to look out of the window to her left, over the kitchen counter. Our backyard was a mess. She had been attending to it regularly, but in her absence I had not lifted a finger to do anything around the house. Speaking of which, it was probably time to vacuum the floors and do some dusting.

 “I read in the papers that there have been quite a lot of trouble recently - in town. Fights and whatnot. ‘Gang activity never been higher’, they say.” She was still keeping an eye on the backyard. Her voice sounded detached, as if she was actually talking about gardening, but for some reason gritty newspaper reports were coming out instead.

 I got up to refill my cup, putting my plate in the sink as I passed. “Oh, really?”

 “Really. There has been an increase in drug distribution, too, apparently.”

 “Oh.”

 “Yep. Kids are selling them. Kids are buying them. In large quantities.”

 Her voice had gained momentum as she went on; purposeful, pointed, no longer detached, and when I turned I saw she was observing me, twisting around in her chair to regard me with a watchful look.

 Her perspicacity was frightening. Artfully, she was laying a trap for me, daring me to ask her, why? Why are you telling me this? Why are you looking at me like that? The way she was looking at me made it plain that she thought I was somehow involved in ruining the lives of these kids, putting the drugs into their hands, providing them with the needle to insert into their veins. She thought me capable of that.

 “I didn’t know,” I told her. Although I was aware of the recent turbulence in the criminal underworld, being perhaps in the centre of it, the increase in drug distribution had all but escaped me. It was troubling. Could it be the results of my peers’ “extracurricular activities” or was it possibly unrelated to my situation?

 Mikasa set her mouth in a thin line. It looked like she was reining in something she was desperate to say. So I helped her along.

 “You think I’m dealing drugs,” I stated, meeting her hostile look. Her features turned stony.

 “I don’t know what you’re doing, Eren.”

 The light issuing in through the windows was pale grey – weak, not strong enough to light the scene, nor its oppressive ambience. I reclined back onto the counter, resting my palms on the top. “Would you believe me if I said that I wasn’t?”

 Mikasa got up and turned her back on me as she began clearing the table. “It doesn’t matter what I think. It seems that you stopped caring about my opinions a long time ago.” She paused, then, before continuing in a quieter voice, “You withdrew yourself from those who loved you. Declined their help. Shut them out.”

 Suddenly she spun around to set her eyes in me again. Her voice was shaking, and so was the finger she was pointing at me.

 “But I want you to know, Eren, that whatever you are doing, it is hurting a lot of people. Not only are you hurting yourself, but others too. Is that your goal? Using your spite to make this town worse than what it already is? To make sure that young people will suffer as much as you have?”

 I opened my mouth to defend myself, but she cut me off.

 “You’re not even going to try to prove them wrong? You’re going to let yourself be defined by society? Listlessly act like they expect you to anyway? Become the delinquent you were destined to be, growing up here?”

 I saw her lower lip quivering with emotion. She was berating me like a parent, but it would be unfair of me to call her out on that. A part of me wanted to shout at her in anger for drawing these conclusions about me. She had gotten it all wrong; she thought I was some sort of nefarious criminal, selling drugs on the street corners and fighting in dark alleyways. It was partially my fault, since I had never explained anything to her, leaving it to her to assume the worst about me.

 I drew her into an embrace that I needed far worse than she. Foolishly I had thought an outburst could be avoided, but Mikasa just couldn’t help herself, due to her parental instincts. I was begging her to look away whilst I dug my own grave, but she could not do that.

 “It’s not as bad as you think, I promise,” I was saying. At first she was reluctant to reciprocate the hug, her arms hanging limply at her sides, determined not to indulge me, but then she seemed to change her mind and wrapped her arms around me tightly, almost painfully. “Please believe me. I am telling the truth. I am trying my best to fix things. Soon enough all of this will be over. And… I am really not involved with any drug dealing. I would never. I may despise this town but I’m not trying to make it even shittier.”

 My sister freed herself from my arms and surveyed my face. For a long moment I thought she would start shouting at me again. I saw her struggling to accept my words, having heard so many untruths earlier.

 But for some reason, she believed me. Something that had been strung tight together in a knotted mess inside me, loosened up when I saw it in her eyes.

 “All right,” she said quietly, “I believe you.” She smiled then – a genuine smile. Those could sustain me. I felt my own face break into one as well. “Just... try and not get yourself killed.”

 I waved it away. “They can’t kill me that easily.” I didn’t want the conversation to take yet another serious turn so I changed the subject quickly. “Anyways, what have you got planned for today?”

 Mikasa moved over to the sink and turned the tap on, filling it with water. “I invited Armin over. I thought we could hang out. Make some dinner, watch a film or two - like in the old days.” Her hands disappeared in the soapy water. I reached for a towel to dry off the plates. “If you don’t have anything else planned, that is.” She threw me a look.

 I shook my head and gave her another smile. “Nope. That sounds great, I’ve got no plans.”

 She looked pleased. “Great.”

______________

 A few hours later Armin showed up at our house. I could not remember the last time I saw him here. It must have been months.

 As Mikasa had said, it was just like in the old days. Well, almost like in the old days. I couldn’t help but feel a bit awkward and there was this nagging feeling of guilt, too. I felt guilty because I was the reason we couldn’t always spend our Saturdays like this. I felt guilty because I was a mess.

 If I could change, I would change for them.

 There was a reason for me withdrawing from their company. I never wanted to lose control around them. I never wanted them to see me like that, when I got into one of my violent states. I never wanted to hurt them.

 I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind. I wanted to enjoy this moment together with them.

 We didn’t end up making any dinner. Being lazy, we ordered food from the joint corner shop and fast food place down the street, by the main road.

 “I’ll go get it,” I volunteered and got up from the sofa, stretching my back.

 “Are you sure? We can come too,” said Armin, tearing his eyes from the television screen. We were watching some sort of history film, about some war. Armin had brought it and insisted that we watch it. To be honest I hadn’t been paying much attention to it. Mikasa looked absorbed in the film too.

 “Nah, it’s fine, it’s only down the street. I won’t be a minute.”

 I put on my jacket and tied my shoes and was out the door. It was a bit chilly, so I drew my jacket tighter about my shoulders and set a brisk pace. It had been a sunny day, but when the sun withdrew its tendrils of warmth, one was reminded that it was still early spring, and that summer was a way off yet.

 I was smiling, I realised. I hurried down the pavement so that I could return to the house where my family was waiting for me. I made my way swiftly through the shortcuts and footpaths winding their way between houses and backyards, finally ending up near the car park by the corner shop.

 As I was walking across the asphalt a familiar car swerved into the empty lot and came to a screeching halt. I was determined to keep walking without paying it any notice. I was nearly at the door when I heard the sound of a car door slamming shut.

 “Yo, Eren, wait up.”

 Despite myself I stopped and turned around. Jean was approaching me at a slight jog. Although I was in a pretty good mood, it was not easy to be friendly with him.

 “Hi,” I said, continuing my trek to the door. He fell into step beside me.

 “What’s up?”

 “Just getting some food.”

 “Ah, all right.”

 He had caught on to my antipathy now, and was growing less confident. He did his grocery shopping while I was waiting for my order. When I had paid I saw that he was nowhere to be seen. _Brilliant, that means that I don’t have to deal with him._ Seeing him made me really irritated and I didn’t want him to ruin my evening.

 When I exited the building, though, carrying three brown paper bags, I saw him putting the last of his groceries in the trunk of his shitty Volvo 240. He turned around when he heard me approaching and leant back onto the trunk of his car, waiting for me. I sighed internally. I really didn’t want to talk to him.

 “What is it, Jean?” I said as I slowed to a stop next to him. I didn’t try to keep the exasperation from my voice.

 He had his arms folded and his face was set in a tense expression, very different from the easy-going appearance he had put up only moments before.

 “I just wanted to ask you something.”

 “Well, go ahead. I’d like to get home.”

 I saw the muscles of his jaw flex and his eyebrows knit together. He obviously did not like my tone.

 “I saw you yesterday.”

 “Yeah, I know. I saw you too, and everyone else. What’s your point?”

 I was getting increasingly impatient. He was getting increasingly frustrated.

 “That’s not what I meant,” he hissed. “I saw you outside - after you left.”

 Suddenly his behaviour made sense. I felt the muscles of my face stiffen.

 "What about it?” I said, trying to keep my voice even.

 Jean got up from his car, displaying his full height, an inch or so taller than me. He took a step closer, in a manner that was probably meant to be intimidating, but it really only served to piss me off.

 “Who were you talking to?”

 “That’s none of your fucking business,” I flung at him. The way he was acting and speaking to me really ticked me off, and I felt myself take a step toward him. Maybe I should have said something else, deflected his suspicions, but at that moment I didn’t care.

 “As I recall, you told us to keep our base secret, and yet you bring an outsider there.”

 The way he was suddenly acting like he was concerned about the gang really set the fire going. _What a bloody hypocrite._

At least he hadn’t seen Levi properly, or else he wouldn’t have asked me whom I was talking to. Even if Jean had seen him, there was no certainty that he would know who Levi was anyway, but if he didn’t know him now, there was always the possibility that he would realise just who he were at a later date.

 “Shut the fuck up, Jean. Just… shut the fuck up. You make me so goddamned sick.”

 Jean gritted his teeth, clenched his hands. I am sure I was mirroring him. My anger spurred me on. I took yet another step towards him.

 “Let me ask _you_ something, Jean. What do you know about the drugs that are floating about town, huh?”

 Yet another step. My arm shot up to grab him by the collar of his shirt.

 “What the fuck are you up to, Jean? What the fuck are you doing?”

 He tried to pry my arm away but he didn’t succeed. A violent surge went through me, and I pushed him down onto his car. There was a loud sound at the impact and he winced in surprise, then pain. I was aware of myself lifting an arm slightly, as if I was about to punch him. I grabbed hold of his jacket with both hands and slammed his back into the car again, as he was struggling to break free of my hold, but I was stronger than him, especially now, strengthened by hatred.

 I found satisfaction in it, crushing him like that, but the itching in my fists told me that it wasn’t enough.

 I hated his guts and I knew that my hate for him was justified. I was justified in acting like this. He had given me every reason to despise him. He had been my friend. I had thought that I could trust him, but somewhere along the line he had decided that our friendship had lost its value, and that it could be sacrificed for whatever ends he was trying for.

 “What’s the deal, Jean?” I snarled, slamming him into the car again with more force. “Is it money? Is that why you’re doing this?”

 I felt my sanity slowly slipping away from me. I took a fistful of his hair and smashed his head into the metal of the trunk, making a dent in it. Every muscle in my body tuned into a channel of demented static as my mind changed gears. I kept my grip on his head and pressed the side of his face down onto the metal.

 “Or are you getting strung out yourself on the drugs you’re selling?”

 “Get off of me!” he hissed through gritted teeth, spit flying from his mouth. Again he attempted to free himself, but was unsuccessful.  

 “Is it fucking worth it?!” I roared, brutally twisting the arm that swung out blindly to hit me in the face. Jean’s face contorted in a grotesque grimace of pain as he let out a pathetic whimper. “Do you care about anyone but yourself? You selfish bastard!”

 That’s when his face scrunched up in fury. A sudden strength combined with a moment’s hesitation on my side made him capable of prying loose from the grip I had on his head and he used the opportunity to shove me off. I stumbled backwards while he scrambled to get up.

 “Fuck you, Eren!” he spat. He looked livid. His face was red with rage and there was a cut on his right cheek. “You don’t know shit, ok?”

 “That’s right, I don’t know shit, because you are doing stupid fucking things behind my back and letting everybody else pay for it!”

 He was shaking his head, muscles tense, ready to fight me because words didn’t seem to get us anywhere. I could almost feel the rage pulsing from his body. A jolt of elation, when I thought he was about to charge at me.

 I was disappointed.

 “Fuck you, Eren,” he repeated, the words dripping from his mouth like venom. Looking half crazed he got in his car and slammed the door shut. I had just made the decision of yanking him out of the driver’s seat when he got the engine running and almost drove me over as he spun out of the car park and away. I was left stewing in my enraged state, unrelieved. A terrible cry ripped from my throat, making my blood boil. There was nothing for me to thrash in the empty lot and the one I so desperately wanted to mutilate had fled.

 “FUCK!”

 Sinking down, I smashed my fist into the asphalt. Pain shot up from my knuckles immediately after, rushing through my nerves, up to my brain. It was like a breath of fresh air after being submerged. My head cleared enough so that I could gather my wits. “Fuck,” I repeated, but as a hoarse whisper this time, ashamed of the primeval sound that had escaped my throat mere seconds before.

 I was shaking. I held onto myself in the belief that it would make the tremors running through my body stop. After a while, when the rage ceased its furious assault on my body, so too did the shaking subside.

 So, how badly had I fucked up, exactly? How hard would it be for me to uncover the truth now, when Jean had misgivings about me too?

 I dialed a number recently added to my contacts.

 "Eren,” he said when he picked up the phone. His voice, soft and deep, a soothing hum; it was like a balm to my nerves.

 "Levi," I breathed.

 There was a moment of silence on the other end. Before he said, "Are you ok?"

 My heavy breathing and cracked voice must have suggested otherwise.

 "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that... I think I've done something stupid."

 The other end was silent.

 "Levi?"

 "What did you do?" It was laced with apprehension.

 "I just confronted this guy and… I'm not sure that was wise."

 "Hang on. Where are you?"

________

A quarter of an hour later, Levi's car was pulling into the car park. I got to my feet hurriedly, patting the dirt from my clothes and trying to make myself look presentable. The car came to a halt next to me. Levi leant over the passenger seat to open the door.

 "Get in.”

 I wasted no time and slid into the car. I felt his eyes on me all the while. When I was seated I turned to meet his gaze. He was looking me over with a frown on his face, in a manner that I thought strangely familiar. Suddenly it hit me that it was strongly reminiscent of Mikasa. Automatically I covered up the battered fist of my right hand.

 "Tell me what happened,” he said in a businesslike manner as he steered out of the car park.

 "Well, as I said, I confronted one of my subordinates."

 "You confronted him." Levi shot me an icy look. The anxiety in me seemed to grow like a cancerous cell; feeding off that grim look he was giving me. "Why did you confront him?” he demanded.

 "I didn't mean to,” my voice subdued, biting my lip as I averted my eyes from him. “It sort of just happened."

 "Your job isn't to confront, Eren. You're supposed to do the digging, and then hand the supposed culprit over to us. Do you remember?" His voice was sharp. I almost winced at it.

 "I remember."

 “You do know what will happen to you if you fail to get to the bottom of this?”

 “Yes, _I know.”_ I gritted my teeth. I didn’t need a reminder. Staring out of the window I refused to look at him.

 "What did you confront him about?"

 "Well, to be more accurate, he confronted me first." I said, daring to shoot him a furtive glance. He raised an eyebrow. "He was suspicious of me… because he saw me talking to you yesterday. But he didn't see you properly, I think, at least he didn't know who you were," I hurried to say when I saw the change in his expression.”

 He was frowning, staring out on the road straight ahead. The steady hum of the engine filled the silence. I grew more and more anxious by the minute. I clutched at my right hand, forgetting about the damage, and a jolt of pain shot up through my arm. I concealed the sudden intake of breath with a cough.

 “Do you think this will make it any easier for you?” Levi’s voice sounded again. I detected a slight edge in his voice. “If you’re going to be antagonistic you won’t get anywhere with him or anyone else.”

 "I know, I just… I didn’t plan to…"

 My eyes fell to the hands in my lap. I could still feel a minute tingling in them, more so in my right fist, coupled with a dull pulse of pain. It had been a mistake. Jean was my only lead and now it would be really hard to approach him again. I was sure I detested him, but the way he looked at me before he left told me that he really hated me too.

 "Then what?"

 I looked up from my hands.

 "Huh?"

 "What happened to your hand?"

 "Oh, um, it's nothing. I just fell and, aha, scraped it up a bit."

 I covered it up again, to spare him the sight.

 Levi sighed heavily. "I think I once told you that you were a shitty liar."

 Suddenly he was pulling the car over onto a dirt path on the side of the road. It led down to this massive gravel pit. A couple of years ago, the construction company that had been in charge of it had gone bankrupt. Someone had been found buried in the sand with a hole in his head and the chief executives had fled the country. Now it stood abandoned.

 "Are you going to bury me in the pit?" I asked, half joking. Levi pulled the hand brake and scowled at me.  

 "I'm not letting you bleed all over my car."

 He leant over me and to open the glove compartment, bringing out a first aid kit. I caught a glimpse of something that looked very much like a gun before he closed the lid.

 “Give me your hand,” he ordered. I felt myself blushing as I laid my hand in his waiting palm. “Calm down, brat. I’m not asking for you hand in marriage,” he said as he took my hand and pulled me towards him slightly. There was a tiny smirk on his lip.

 He set about cleaning the cuts, and he was really good at it. With deft fingers he gently dabbed at the cuts on my fist, the snowy white cotton turning a light shade of red. The alcohol stung, but his touch was very gentle. I got the feeling that he had done this plenty of times before.

 As Levi concentrated on the task at hand, my eyes were drawn to his face, eyes hidden from sight under the fringe of his black hair. I remembered the softness of that hair. I remembered what the short hair of his undercut felt like beneath my fingers; they itched to feel it again.

 “Did you fight him?”

 The question brought me back from my short reverie. I looked down at my hand, the now clean cuts glaring back at me with an angry red. Levi procured a roll of gauze and started wrapping it around my hand. It looked a whole lot more professional than when I had done it myself.

 “No, not really,” I said. Levi finished up and let go of my hand. I brought it up to my face. The whiteness of the bandage was very pleasing. I lowered my hand and looked at Levi opposite. He was sitting up in his seat now, watching me. “I wanted to, though. If he hadn’t left when he did, I would have.”

 Levi didn’t say anything; he just regarded me with an unreadable expression. I wished I knew what he was thinking in that moment. I wished I knew what he thought of me.

 "I can't stop myself when it happens," I heard myself saying. I had to look away from his eyes, then; they were looking at me too closely, and although the feeling was not exactly unpleasant it was terrifying.

 "When you fight?" His dulcet voice reached my ears, sending a shiver down my spine. My eyes traveled back to him of their own accord.

 "Yeah, like… It doesn’t even feel like I’m human anymore when it happens. It's as if my self has been cancelled. There is no _me_ left anymore. I am just…" I struggled to find the words, to string them together, to give this other person a description of the inner workings of my being, and as usual words were insufficient. “All I want to do is to destroy.”

 I let out a shaky breath when I had ceased my poor monologue. Eyes hooded, brows furrowed slightly Levi was still regarding me, taking in my words, studying me, trying to understand me. Again, a terrifying but not strictly unpleasant aspect.

 “I don’t expect you to understand – “

 “’I can’t tell you that I understand how you feel, because I can’t. I have not experienced anything remotely similar to what you are describing.”

 I looked away. For some reason my eyes were stinging, a pressure building behind them. Why were we talking about this?

 “But I’m sure that you can control it. You’re strong; I can tell.”

 My heart skipped a beat. I still had a hard time looking at him, seeing as the pressure behind my eyes was increasing.

 “I can’t,” I muttered, my voice barely audible. I desperately wanted to believe in what he was saying, but I knew that it was not true. I knew that the roaring fury that laid dormant in me could not be defeated. When it emerged from its slumber, there was no more room for me; my self was pushed back, along with all my cares and concerns. When existing as an incorporeal being of destruction there was no distinction between friend nor foe.

 “Eren,” Levi’s commanding voice together with the hand he placed on my chin, guided my eyes back to his. I swallowed and felt my body start trembling slightly in anticipation. His face got a bit blurry when tears started filling my eyes. He looked at me with an expression that was… confused, I thought, brows knit together, eyes flickering over my face. The fingers of his hand brushed lightly across the skin of my jaw as they flexed almost imperceptibly. Then I remembered something that made me take in a sharp breath.

 “You,” I said suddenly, gripping his extended arm, Levi raising his eyebrows in surprise. “You helped me… back when I met with Erwin. I mean, on our way there, when I got angry and you told me to calm down, I almost did, although you had to punch me in the end. But when I was in that office, and I was so close to snapping, I could feel it…” just saying these words made me feel embarrassed so I had to look away from his inquisitive eyes, “hearing your voice, it was enough to bring me back. I don’t know why…” I trailed off weakly.

 I tightened my hold on his arm; the fingers on my face twitched.

 When I dared to look at him once more, he appeared almost angry. My heart dropped down into my stomach when I saw that. _What have I done?_ It was as if he was mad that I had told him that, like he had not wanted to hear that revelation. The muscles of his jaw tensed as he stared at me with a pair of dark stormy eyes, where emotions evolved so quickly I could not identify their nature.

 I felt the muscles in his arm flex as he was about to remove his hand from me, but the minute I realised he was retreating, I tightened my grip on him further with a feeling of panic, even tugging on his arm somewhat, not letting him go. The action changed something in his face. I had blinked the tears away and I could see him clearly now, staring at him fiercely, daring him to release me, wanting to feel him tear his arm away if that was what he wanted.

 The frown he had been wearing did not disappear, but the severity of it diminished, and I fancied that the turmoil in his eyes let up.

 The hand on my face moved up along my jaw to tangle in the hair on the back of my head as Levi brought me down to crash his lips against mine.

 The kiss hurt. It was too rushed, too rough, but somehow it was better than the one we had shared before.

 Levi’s tongue slid against my lower lip, asking for invitation, which I gladly gave, and I moaned when I felt it enter my mouth where it explored leisurely. His other hand came up to grip the other side of my head, tilting my head ever so slightly, so that he could deepen the kiss.

 My bandaged hand flew up to tangle in his hair, grazing my fingertips over the short fuzz at the back of his neck. Finally we were here again. I had been craving the taste of his lips ever since the first time, had been craving to be close to him ever since that very first time at my house.

 There was nothing rational about this at all. Falling in love rarely was.

 Then his lips were gone, and he was drawing back to look at me. A hand was still resting on the back of my head, fingers stroking my scalp lightly. With eyes glazed over and hooded, Levi studied me, biting his lip and still wearing a frown.

 “Fuck,” he whispered. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, eyes creasing as he did so. He was shaking his head slightly. He removed the hand from my hair, and brought it down to his forehead instead, where it rested only a moment before travelling through his dark locks, mussing them up.

 When he opened his eyes again, they slammed into me, their richness overpowering. Everything about him affected me so greatly that it was absurd. It was nearly unbelievable. Levi too was looking at me in disbelief.

 “This is so fucked up,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, again :) I'm sorry for taking a long time, but I finally finished this chapter! 
> 
> Haha, poor Eren, I'm making him ride quite the emotional roller coaster. 
> 
> Well, Levi isn't exactly getting away easily either, to be fair. 
> 
> People realise stuff it this one, about their feelings and stuff, stuff that you kind of know already, but certain people are kind of stupid, so it takes them a long time to realise the stuff. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Hope you enjoy!


	12. Chapter 12

 “I need a smoke.”

 With that, Levi got out of the car.

 I sat for a few moments, trying to gather my mind, before I followed him outside. He was leaning against the door on the driver’s side, cigarette already planted firmly between his lips, a wispy trail of smoke curling upwards from the end before fading out. I went and stood next to him.

 He was resting his head on the car whilst looking at the sky. The sun had pierced itself on the ragged hills in the distance, leaving an angry splatter of red on the horizon. My eyes fled to the profile of Levi, who was serenely observing the slaughter. I pretended that I could see the setting sun through his eyes and suddenly it wasn’t so bad. I relaxed against the side of the car.

 After a moment of silence he removed the paper roll from his lips. He flicked the ash off of it, stared at it, and said, “I did quit, you know.”

 I didn’t say anything, not immediately anyway. I was having a hard time figuring out what I should be saying. It felt like something had changed between us. I knew that I had some serious feelings about Levi, and it seemed like he might have arrived at the same conclusion about me too. My body seemed to thrum with joy at the thought, and yet the feeling was terrifying. Nothing good could come out of this affection, surely.

 “I’m sorry.”

 Levi looked up at me, surprised. He frowned. “For what?”

 I was wringing my hands, arranging and rearranging sentences in my mind. Indeed, for what? I was sorry that I founded a gang in the first place, I was sorry that I had let it all out of control, I was sorry that _I_ was out of control - and I was sorry that I had fallen in love with him. “For everything.”

 He considered me for a long while, until I grew nervous of him. “Are you saying that you ordered your friends to challenge the Legion?”

 “No! That’s not what I’m saying! I never wanted any of that, I’ve already told you. But still – “

 “Well, if you are telling the truth then I don’t see how any of this could be your fault. It’s as simple as that,” he cut me off abruptly in a matter of fact-tone. “You should have controlled them better, true, but anyone would have had trouble controlling a horde of greedy, belligerent teenagers.”

 If I had not been so lonely, so afraid, I would not have founded the gang. And if I had never founded the gang, none of this would have ever happened. Basically, all the trouble originated from the core of my messed up self.

 I wanted to tell Levi something like that, but he evidently considered the matter closed.

 “Your friends have somehow gotten hold of a large share of drugs and are dealing it around town lower than the market price. The Legion has no clue who their provider is, as they keep themselves well hidden. It is eating away at the Legion’s profits. And they are not happy about losing customers either.”

 He took another drag of his cigarette.

 “‘They’.”

 “What?”

 “You said, ‘they’,” I observed. “Just now, when you were talking about the Legion.”

 Levi blinked and gave me an annoyed look. “Are you even listening to what I am telling you?”

 “Yeah, sorry. I know - I heard. About the drugs, I mean. I didn’t know, though, not until today.”

 Levi still looked annoyed. “Erwin’s pissed,” he said as he flicked the butt of his cigarette out onto the gravel. “He wants this business finished as quickly as possible, which means that you need to step up your game.”

 “I only just started,” I protested indignantly. How could he expect results after one day?

 “Yes, and you’ve got at least one person onto you already.” He straightened up and turned to face me with an air of immediacy. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Look, you need to be more careful from now on. Be discreet – and try to control yourself if you should be provoked.”

 “It’s really not that easy.”

 The doubt in my voice spoke volumes, and Levi could tell. I would not be able to control myself if it came to it. I was a ticking bomb.

 Looking at Levi, I saw that he was irritated, but I got the feeling he wasn’t angry with me.

 “Jesus fucking Christ,” he muttered. He fell back onto the side of the car door and let out a huff. “This is so fucking stressful.”

 “I’m sorry.”

 “Shut up, it’s not your fault, brat.” He shook his head, before starting to rummage through his coat pockets for something. Finally he procured another cigarette. He closed his eyes as he inhaled the nicotine, then letting out a stream of smoke as he rested his head on the car. For a brief moment his face was clean of frustration; he looked beautiful like that. I inched closer to him, like I was being pulled by a magnetic field. “It’s really not your fault,” he said in a low, even voice. “Nothing of this is.”

 I was grateful to him for saying that, but it did not dispel the conviction I had in the innermost parts of my heart.

 “Can I ask you something?”

 He looked so relaxed that I thought he would be generous enough to indulge my curiosity. Levi opened an eye to survey me. When he deemed I had no bad intentions he said, “Fine.”

“When did you… get in to all of this?”

 I was trying to map out just who this person in front of me was. I didn’t know much about him to be honest.  

 His name was Levi. He was ridiculously hot. He was intimidating. He was a criminal, one of the higher ups of the most influential gang in Shiganshina. He swore a lot. He was short. He was a great kisser. He had the job of making sure that I was keeping the deal I had made with the Legion. We were members of opposing gangs - and I was in love with him.

 “I told you – I dropped out of school the second year. I got an offer from Erwin and I decided to join the Legion.” He shrugged and took another drag of his cigarette. “School wasn’t worth my time and being in the Legion earned me good money.”

 He was oversimplifying it, obviously. I did it myself all the time. Everybody did it. You create an oversimplified image of yourself to make your being less complicated and easier to understand for others. The irony of it is that what they actually get is a skewed understanding of who you are. There are only a select few whom the details of ones life are disclosed to, those we want to see us for who we essentially are.

 I wanted to be one of Levi’s select few, I realised. That was why I felt disappointed, cheated, let down. “You just told me what happened, and yet you didn’t,” I said, trying to keep the indignation from my voice. This strange sense of entitlement I felt about knowing about his past alarmed me somewhat; it was so present that I could almost taste its gall on my tongue.

 Levi shot me a look. He wasn’t exactly irked, I thought, but his eyes glinted challengingly as he turned them on me, narrowing them. “You’re rather nosy,” he accused. He let the silence stretch between us, giving me time to grow uneasy under his stare and at his statement. “What do you want me to say? Do you want my tragic back-story, is that it? Do you want me to tell you that both my parents were smack heads? That the only way for me to feed myself was by stealing? That my talent for fighting and theft got me into the Legion? Is that what you want me to say?”

 His words carried no emotion whatsoever; they were delivered passively, like he was reading them off a random page of somebody else’s biography. “It’s hardly original,” he said dismissively, still looking at me. “I don’t doubt that you have been through some shit yourself.”

 He didn’t want to talk about his past, and I understood. After all I had no right to know. I felt stupid for feeling this way at all, childish even. Besides, the past does not define a person, I thought. It’s a part of you, but it does not define you. But I did take the snippet he gave me and stored it away in me. They made up a blurry, fleeting picture of an adolescent Levi, and he would maybe stay that way as long as I knew him.

 I needed a pause from the intensity of his gaze, so I planted my eyes in the gravel at my feet. The sun had all but bled out, and it was getting darker by the minute.

 Compared to what Levi had just told me about himself, my childhood had not been so bad. I thought that I had had everything I needed to be happy, but the dissonance inside me had made me incapable of appreciating it fully. In a way I was unable to play in tune with the world as a whole.

 I heard him let out a breath and there was a shuffling of his feet that made the gravel tear through the quiet. “I should be getting you home.”

 I nodded absentmindedly, before my head shot up to look at him in horror. I remembered that it had been some time since I left home, and that Mikasa and Armin were still waiting for me. I had been on one hell of a long food run. They were probably really hungry and really angry. Well, Armin wouldn’t be angry.

 “Shit, Mikasa is going to be pissed.”

______

 So I did my best to step up my game, as Levi had told me to. I got into a bit of a routine, going to our headquarters nearly every day after school to hang out with the people who were there. I didn’t dislike it, to be honest. I wanted to be there, I wanted to spend time with them – well, some of them at least. I was very careful about what I said and to whom, though. I had a talk with Connie, Sasha, Ymir, Christa and Marco, the ones I felt like I could trust the most. They didn’t know much, other than the obvious; that there were people in our gang that aspired to gain a little money by using the influence they had, being a part of this gang.

 When I told them that I thought Jean had been acting weird lately, they all agreed. Marco, especially, had a lot to say on the subject. Jean and Marco were not officially together, but everybody knew that they had something going on.

 “He’s been very distant, lately. I don’t know what’s wrong. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he just brushes it away and avoids the subject. And he’s almost always busy,” he added as an afterthought, wearing a frown.

 “So, he hasn’t said anything to you about… anything?”

 Marco shook his head, looking away into the distance. “No… I wish he would… I haven’t seen him for a while, either. I hope he’s not getting himself into trouble.”

 I didn’t say it, but I was 100% certain that if Jean was doing anything it was definitely getting himself into trouble.

 It had been a week since my last encounter with Jean. I had been to our headquarters nearly every day after that, but I had not seen him once. I wondered what he was up to. I had to talk to him again - he was my surest bet when it came to solving this shit. However, he was definitely avoiding me now.

 “Well, if you hear from him, let me know? I really need to talk to him.”

Marco eyed me curiously, but all he said was, “Yeah, of course, Eren.” Marco was the greatest guy ever. What he was doing with Jean I had not idea.

 I sent Jean a text, saying:

  ** _Hey. I haven't seen you in a while. Why haven't you been to our headquarters lately?_**

 I debated whether or not I should apologise for my behaviour when I last saw him, but my pride got the better of me. I did regret being violent because it had caused him to avoid me, but I still felt like I had been within my rights when I treated him like I did.

 I got no reply from him. I tried calling him but he did not pick up. I felt the need to send him a massive rant, telling him exactly what I thought of him and tell him to go die in a hole, but I somehow managed to refrain from doing so.

 Thus, a week passed without anything exciting happening. I kept meeting up with the gang at the usual location and I found that I had to remind myself what I was actually supposed to be doing. The best reminder was the icy stares I felt from certain people when I was there. Dissenters. They did not like me. They were the ones making my life hard, and yet it would do no good to confront them. They would never tell me anything if I asked, they would not tell me anything if I commanded them to, they would deny everything if I accused them. No, it would do no good to go to them. Somebody was in charge of them being here, and for what they were doing, and I needed to find out who that was.

 Why join our group if the way I did things was so foreign to them? Why not leave and find something else to do? It did not make any sense at all.

 I did my best to keep up with my schoolwork too, but it was hard to find time for it. I tried to read a little bit in bed before I went to sleep, however. It often resulted in me falling asleep after a few pages, and waking up the next morning with my face crushed against a book. Books did not make comfortable pillows, I learnt.

 Mikasa had officially moved out. Her friend offered to help her move her stuff, not a lot of stuff really, so one day they came and carried it all out in less than an hour, before driving off to install it all in their new flat, in their new home – in Mikasa’s new home.

 That’s why, when I let myself into my house after school one day, I froze in terror upon hearing someone moving about in the kitchen.

 “Levi?” I called out, hopefully. Funny how things had changed. I would not mind finding him in my house anymore.

 I approached the kitchen doorway carefully. Then a familiar figure appeared from the doorway – a familiar figure that was not Levi at all.

 “Dad,” I said, dumbfounded. My face fell at the sight of him. Not only was it a disappointment to see him instead of Levi, I disliked seeing him at any given time anyways - this just made it worse.

 “Eren.” He gave me a smile that I did not return, before eyeing me with a puzzled look. “Who is Levi?”

 My stomach gave a jump. “No one,” I shrugged nonchalantly, looking him straight in the eye and communicating with the tone of my words that it was none of his business, challenging him to question me further.

 A crease appeared between his eyebrows. His face softened but his eyes looked sad. He chose to let it go. Clearing his throat, he said, “It is nice to see you again, Eren,” voice calm. “How have you and your sister been?”

 I set my mouth in a thin line, as I looked him over. His hair was longer than before. The cheap brown suit he was wearing looked like it hadn’t been washed in a couple of days and he looked tired. He always looked tired. He pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose as he studied me too.

 “Fine,” I said, tersely. “You’ve been gone a while.”

 My father sighed and sent me a sad smile, perhaps intended to inspire sympathy in me, but I could only feel my intestine curl within me in detestation. “I have had a lot of work to do. I had to travel a lot and a long way, too,” he explained.

 He looked apologetic, but it did not look sincere. I could tell that he was not sorry for being away, because to him, if his absence was due to his work then he was justified for leaving his children to fend for themselves. He could not help it; it was _his job_ after all.  

 We had had so many fights over this in the past. Seeing him now sickened and infuriated me. I wished that Mikasa were here so that I would not have to deal with him, so that I could just lock myself in my room and avoid being in his presence. Mikasa was angry with him too, of course, but she was much better at dealing with him than I was. Being around him frightened me because he provoked such an intense feeling of wrath in me, that I feared I might end up hurting him if I was not careful.

 “Mikasa moved out,” I told him.

 He nodded. “Yes, she told me. I called her earlier. I hear she is doing well at college.”

 “Yep, she’s brilliant,” I asserted.

 “And what about yourself, how are you doing?”

 I could taste the bile in my throat already. My insides were twisting violently as my anger started simmering. “Oh, I’m doing just fine, dad.” The venom and spite in my voice could not be mistaken. I saw his brows knit together in hurt at my tone, at my expression, at the hatred he surely felt coming off of me directed at him.

 He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. “And how long will you be staying?”

 He closed his mouth, hesitated, looking at me with concern before saying, “Only a few days, then I will have to be off again.”

 They were all leaving me, I realised. My family, they were all escaping from this cesspit one after another - first my mum, then my dad and now my sister too. I was the only one stuck here.

 I did not have the energy to deal with him right then. I had enough on my plate as it already was and I did not need him on top of it all. Just looking at him was draining my energy.

 “Good to know,” I said in a shaky voice as I turned towards my bedroom door, not able to stand the sight of my father any longer. “I’ve got homework,” I said and had shut myself away in my room before he could say anything else.

______

 I avoided my dad as much as I could. I went straight into town after school for the next few days, not coming home until late at night and locking myself in my room.

 I met up with Levi every other day. We decided that the gravel pit was as good as any place to meet up. I would take my bike there when I came home from town in the afternoon, and he would be waiting for me standing outside of his black car, glaring at the atrocity that the pit was. I told him whatever had transpired during my time with my gang or whatever bits of information I had gained. The information I provided was meagre. I had had no breakthrough whatsoever. I was basically only telling him what we already knew.

 Levi looked to be more stressed each time I saw him. I was unsure how to act around him. I remembered how he would be teasing and provocative in the very beginning of our acquaintance, but now he was very careful around me. I did not know if that was a good thing or not. I definitely wanted him to touch me more, though, and kiss me and stuff... But I was always scared of initiating anything with him because I was afraid that he would not like it. He had always been the one to initiate, so I thought since he refrained from doing so, it was because he did not want to. So I kept my hands to myself.

 We agreed that Jean was my best bet at getting the intelligence we needed, but it was kind of hard when it seemed like he had dropped off the face of the earth. I sent him another text, deciding to swallow my pride.

  **Eren:**

**_“Jean, I need to talk to you. I'm sorry for my behaviour last time we met. Please, I need your help.”_ **

 I considered adding a lot of stuff like how he practically owed me because he had been going behind my back and whatnot, being a massive scumbag. But I figured that wouldn’t be much of an incentive for him to come meet me. Again, I got no reply.

 After three days, my dad was still home. He was mostly doing paper work, paying bills and attending to practicalities, besides getting ready for his next trip. Sometimes he would be watching television when I came home, or sitting on the sofa reading a book. He would look up when I entered the house, and open his mouth to say something, but I always muttered an excuse before shutting myself in my room.

 Maybe I was being unfair, but I did not possess the will or the energy to reconsider my thoughts and my feelings about my dad.

 Actually, I imagined that he preferred it this way. He pretended that he cared about me while I made it clear that I was not interested in his care. It was the easiest for the both of us. I was not desperate for him to understand me, and I would not force myself to talk to him or spend time with him, because I could see no point in it for either of us.

 When I got home one day he was gone. He had left a note for me saying where he had gone, that he had taken care of everything considering the household, that he had left enough money for Mikasa and I and that he did not know exactly when he would be back, but that he would keep in touch. I knew the note by heart, because it was identical to the previous notes he had left us before, the only differing factor being his destination.

 It had been like this ever since our mother died. Mikasa had the theory that he could not bear to stay in the same house where we had all lived together, and that seeing us, his children, was too much of a reminder of the wife and the mother we had lost.

 I did not care about the reasons for his neglect, because nothing could justify it.

 I was glad that he was gone. Now I had the house all to myself.

 I was all alone again.

 I was happy about that.

 Meanwhile, I was getting increasingly frustrated about the Jean-situation. I was starting to consider going to his house and seeking him out there, but I felt really uncomfortable about that. I know I hated it when people came to my house unannounced with bad business. His parents and his little sister would probably be home, too... It just didn't feel appropriate.

**Eren:**

**_“Jean, I am being serious. I could really use your help. I know I probably don't deserve it, but at least come to headquarters tomorrow? We haven't seen you in a while and people are worried about you. Marco is worried about you.”_ **

I added that last part feeling pretty sly. A few hours later, to my pleasant surprise, my phone buzzed. “Fucking finally!” I exclaimed when I saw Jean’s name on the screen.

  **Jean:**

**_“Fine. I'll be there tonight, 7pm. Try and be civilised.”_ **

 I was standing in the kitchen making pasta when I got the text. Having read it, I threw the phone back onto the counter, snorting derisively at his wording. Civilised, yeah, I could be civilised, if he didn't provoke me that was. He was really good at that, riling me up with his insolent face.

 But I would try my best to keep my calm and listen to him. That was the only way, probably. If he didn't tell me it straight then... Well, I wouldn’t mind beating it out of him.

 Tonight, if he told me the source of the drugs, who it was spreading them out amongst our members, tempting them with easy money, effectively corrupting the gang, it could all be over. Tonight.

 Afterwards I could go to the Legion and tell them everything I had learnt. I would be free of suspicion and they would take measures to deal with the culprit. When there was no money to be gained by being a member of this gang, those who were only interested in that would leave – and good riddance. Finally our gang could go back to what we used to be - a gang of friends, spending time together, finding consolation in the companionship provided.

 It was already 6pm, so I had to finish my dinner quickly and run to catch the next bus into town. I got off at the bridge as usual and proceeded over to the maintenance ladder hidden in a niche in the wall; visible for those who knew it was there.

 The sky was overcast and the air felt heavy with rain. It gave me a foreboding feeling; I could almost feel the atmosphere weighing me down.

 I made sure nobody was around to see me, and then started my descent. The rungs were slippery beneath the soles of my feet and I had to concentrate so that I did not lose my footing; it was at least a ten-metre drop and I was not in a hurry to experience just what it felt like hitting the ground from such a height.

 Levi had offered to drive me to the concrete skeletons, but I had told him I had better use my old route. I did not want to risk anybody seeing him again either.

 As I was climbing down the ladder I thought about how I would best approach the subject of the drug dealing and whatnot, without Jean shutting himself up. I needed to convince him that whatever he had agreed to do was wrong and that he needed to stop. Maybe if I appealed to our old friendship, if I reminded him of the fact that he used to be one of my closest friends, maybe then he would realise the wrong he had done to me and reconsider his choices. If he would just tell me who it was that had put him up to all of this then it could all be over.

 Dusk was falling, and due to the lead sky it was even darker than usual. Finally, arms aching, I reached the last rung and jumped down onto the gravel next to the railway. I was shivering with cold despite the climb. It felt like the humidity in the air had seeped into my skin and settled in my bones. The looming shadow of the bridge made me feel even colder.

 Was it really the oppressing weather that gave me this foreboding feeling?

 When I was about to turn around to follow the tracks, I felt a heavy blow to the back of my head and I lost my footing.

 The ground came up to hit me full in the face. When my hands instinctively came out to break my fall, they met a sorry fate, as the gravel unforgivingly slashed at my palms.

 My lungs contracted in my chest, bringing in a surge of oxygen, but appeared to have forgotten how to convert it to carbon dioxide, because it felt like the air became lodged permanently in my chest.

 I barely had time to register the pulsating agony that existed in the vicinity of my head, before another rush of pain hit me in the ribs - and then again, and again…

 I managed to heave my body around so that I was lying on my back. Once again a foot caught me violently in the stomach and I doubled over in pain, coughing and spluttering. I got a glimpse of at least three people standing over me before a fist hit me in the middle of my face, blood now clouding my view. I groaned in pain and brought my hands up to shield my face, cursing in fear and anger, certain that the person assaulting me had broken my nose. A kick was viciously delivered to the side of my head when I tried to shy away from the fist, and the pain already coursing through my skull doubled in intensity.

 My insides lit up with fury, but lying on the ground incapacitated by agony, there was nothing I could do. I was breathing desperately, trying to inhale enough oxygen to fuel the fire, the adrenaline in my veins, and my frantic heart all together, but it was not enough.

 A hand came down to fist in my shirt, lifting my upper body off the ground. “Listen up, Jaeger,” a voice growled.

 The person was wearing some ridiculous Halloween mask so that I couldn’t see his face. I’m not so sure he would have needed it, because my head was spinning madly after the blow I had received to my head, and I had a hard time making out anything distinct at all. Blood was streaming from my nostrils and down into my mouth. I could taste the iron of it on my tongue. I felt like being sick.

 “Whatever you are planning, you better back the fuck off.”

 “You’re going to quit snooping around, got it?”

 He shook me to emphasise his words, gave me a searing slap to the face for good measure. I was unable to respond, too occupied by the throbbing pain in my head and my face and the raging fire that was consuming me from within. I ground my teeth together and tried to keep my eyes open, but my lids were for some reason extraordinarily heavy.

 “If you don’t, you will meet a sorry end, I promise you that.”

 He pushed me down to the ground again. I gasped for air when the impact stole it from me.

 “Fuck you,” I croaked in a hoarse voice, but I don’t think he heard me. The sound of footsteps in the gravel was slowly fading until the only sounds that reached my ears were the rush of traffic on the bridge above me.

 I was aching all over. The rain started falling, gently at first then starting a fierce assault on the earth. At least I was huddled underneath the bridge and was not caught in the downpour. The chill of the earth settled in the lump that was my body. It was funny how it was in times of extreme agony that you acknowledged your existence fully. Pain was exceptionally potent.

 For every breath I took the pain receded infinitesimally. When I thought I could bear it I tried to sit up. With stiff, clumsy, stinging, shaking hands it took me some time before I managed to find my phone, and even longer before I found the only person in my contacts that I could think of calling at a time like this.

 When he picked up I rasped into the receiver, “Levi… I could use some help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola,
> 
> I feel like a lot happens in this chapter and yet it doesn't? Haha. 
> 
> I know that Jean does not have a little sister canonically, but I have taken some liberties here. 
> 
> And again, I feel like I can't say it enough - thank you so much for reading and leaving your comments and kudos, it means the world to me <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo !
> 
> On the occasion of having reached 100 kudos, I would like to thank each and every one of you so so much for reading this silly fic of mine. I feel like it is a bit of a milestone. I never imagined that I would get so many lovely readers and I am so grateful. This is my first fanfic ever, and it started out as a mere side project to my other writing, but the more I wrote, the more invested I got in the story. I never thought it would turn out like this! I really, truly enjoy writing this fic, and I am so happy that others appreciate it too. Thank you again for reading, for leaving your thoughts and your kudos and generally being amazing <3  
> \------
> 
> I have indulged myself so flipping much in this chapter. Caring Levi is the best Levi.  
> This is really fluffy, you have been warned.  
> Also, Coffee and Cigarettes is a really good film. I do recommend it! 
> 
> Lastly, I have my exams coming up in the next two weeks, so I won't be able to update in a little while.  
> I hope you enjoy this one.  
> Cheers! <3

 With some effort I managed to crawl the short distance over to the pillar of the bridge, spitting out the blood in my mouth along the way, before propping myself up against the cold concrete. My head was still just a mass of thundering pain attached to my neck, and everything in my line of vision was reduced to a blurry image of swimming contours. I had to close my eyes to fight the nausea that was building in me.

 When I brought my hand up to inspect the back of my head I was not surprised by the wetness in my hair or the tenderness of my scalp. When I touched the skin beneath my matted locks a keen jolt of pain cut through me. Bringing my hand back before my eyes I saw that it was covered in blood.

 “Fuck,” I breathed. Looking to my right, squinting, I could make out the shape of a thick plank lying close by. _They fucking hit me with a… bloody log or summat…_

I let out a long wheezy breath, willing all the soreness in my body to leave me on the exhale. I noticed that for every deep breath I took, it felt like there was a sharp blade lodged in between my ribs. Foolishly enough I let my hands wander over my upper body in search for any protrusion, in case I actually had been stabbed but for some reason had failed to notice. When I didn’t find a knife digging into my flesh a feeling of relief washed over me.

 I was grateful that I was still alive. It could have been a lot worse.

 A persistent thought was trying to force itself through the throbbing cacophony in my head, craving my attention.

  _Jean… had he set me up?_

 I ground my teeth together as the pounding in my head increased together with my heartbeat. When Jean’s face appeared in my mind I felt a chilling, burning, hatred course through my every cell. My muscles contracted as my body was racked with throes of rage.

 At one point I thought I passed out for a little while. I lost track of time as I waited for Levi to find me. When I was fully conscious and my sight wasn’t blurry anymore, I saw that it was completely dark out. I must have been there for at least an hour.

 The skin of my face felt stiff, caked with blood and dirt as it was. Thankfully the blood had stopped running from my nose, but the taste of it was still in my mouth. When I opened it wide and moved the muscles of my face I could feel the dried blood on my skin cracking.

 I was still dizzy, but at least the crippling pain in my skull had let up somewhat and it was easier for me to think. But I was really cold, and the chill of the night was draining whatever energy was left in my battered body. I held on to myself in an attempt to keep myself warm…

 … and then he was there.

 Being lost in a state of shivering pain and exhaustion, I had not even heard him approaching. But suddenly he was kneeling beside me, hands roaming all over my body, doing a quick survey of my face, wandering over my chest and my stomach, assessing the damage, making sure I was in one piece. “Eren,” he said urgently. It sounded like he was out of breath. “Shit…” He cupped my face in his hands, apparently not bothered by the filth covering my skin. “Eren, are you ok?”

 Hearing his voice, feeling the warmth of his skin, his scent… my body relaxed instantly. I could only just make out his face in the darkness. The dark mass of his hair was a denser shade of black than the night around him, but his pale face stood in contrast to it. “What happened, Eren? Who attacked you?” he demanded, voice severe and laced with anger.

 I tried to say something, but my voice was seemingly wedged in my throat, and the exertion only prompted a coughing fit. I felt completely useless and pathetic. Levi cursed again.

 “Come on…” His arms snaked around my upper body as he hauled me to my feet. A strong arm wrapped around my torso whilst another took my arm and placed it across his shoulder. “It’s not far. Can you make it?” My legs were shaking, but they were able to carry me. I gave him a weak nod.

 Levi supported me all the way, across the railway, through the shrubbery lining the tracks, and out onto the side street on the other side. It felt like years had gone by before we finally reached his car, which was parked a little way down the street. I had very little strength left in me, so Levi had basically been carrying me all the way.

 He opened the door for me and helped me into the passenger seat. I must have blacked out due to exhaustion, because I could not remember anything of that drive. The next thing I knew, Levi was half carrying me, half supporting me up towards an unfamiliar building. “Almost there,” he muttered. I heard the rattling of keys, and then Levi was manoeuvring me through a door.  

 I caught a quick glimpse of a narrow hallway before finding myself in a brightly lit bathroom. Levi eased me gently down onto a stool and propped my back up against a cold tile wall. My head was still spinning and the incessant throbbing of my skull was present yet.

 “Fucking hell, you look terrible.“

 I had to close my eyes against the bright light. I heard a tap running and then I felt something soft and warm and wet on my left cheek. I opened my eyes to find Levi’s face right in front of me; concentrating on the cloth he was wiping my skin with. My heart did a tiny little jump when I saw the worried frown he was wearing. When he noticed me looking at him, his eyes flickered down to meet mine. His troubled expression faded slightly. “Are you alive?” he murmured with a wry half-smile, still gently dabbing at my face with the cloth.

 “Yeah, barely,” I managed to rasp out.

 There was a cut on my lower lip. Levi’s eyes settled on it and brought a corner of the cloth over it tenderly. It stung only a little. It felt kind of good actually. His eyes met mine again as he pressed against it gently. I almost forgot how to breathe.

 When he deemed my face clean enough, he went to rinse the cloth, before coming back to settle before me again.

 "Lean forward a little bit."

 I did as I was told. "Jesus, what the hell did they clobber you with?” I hissed in pain when I felt Levi’s fingers touch the sore flesh on the back of my head, although he was being very careful. “I’m just going to clean this.” Gently he dabbed at the gash and got the worst of the blood out of my locks. Warm water trickled down my neck. When he was done he discarded the cloth somewhere.

 His fingers were carefully parting the hair at the back of my head to get a better look at the wound. He swore. “Do you _ever_ cut your hair? Friggin’ hobo,” he muttered. He was right; my hair was unacceptably long. It had been some time since I had had it cut. Eventually, when he got my hair out of the way, he said, “The wound looks much worse than what it actually is. Cuts to the head always bleed a lot. How does it feel?"

 "Like I was hit in the head with a fucking log."

 He flicked the side of my cheek and sent me a glare. "Just because you got beat up doesn't mean that you get the right to be cheeky, brat."

 "Jeez, sorry. It hurts. A lot. And I feel kind of dizzy, but it's better now."

 He got up again and retrieved a small white bottle and a ball of cotton from the cupboard above the sink. "You might have a concussion,” he informed me, sitting down next to me and making me tilt my head.

 "Great."

 After one brief moment of searching for my scalp, Levi had had enough. Rummaging through a drawer by the sink, he brought out a razor. He gave me a wicked grin.

 “Hey, what are you – “

 “Shut up, I have to do this.”

 Very, very carefully he sheared off the hair close to the wound.

 “Good thing you have so much hair, brat, or else you would have been walking around with a nice bald patch for the next few weeks.”

 He put the razor down and picked up another clump of cotton, dousing it with sterilizer. I jumped at the sudden fiery sensation that assaulted me when Levi brought the cotton to my scalp and started to clean the cut thoroughly. While tears clouded my view, I bit the inside of my cheek to prevent myself from making any sounds.

 “You’re pretty good at this,” I observed, my voice slightly strained from discomfort.

 He snorted. “When you’re in this line of work, you have to be.”

 “I guess so.”

 He reached for a packet of butterfly stitches and started applying them to the gash. I counted at least eight. It hurt when he pushed the skin together, but it wasn’t as bad as the alcohol had been.

 “There we go,” he muttered, brushing the damp hair back over the wound. “It doesn’t look all that bad.” He went over to the sink to wash his hands.

 I brought my hand up to examine the spot. The hair felt uneven, but at least it seemed to be covering the wound underneath. And it was clean and dressed. I sighed.

 “Thank you, Levi.”  

 The room wasn’t swimming before my eyes anymore, but my head was still hurting.

 My eyes wandered over to him by the sink. He was wearing a white dress shirt with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The tight fit of the shirt made it easy to map out the muscles of his back and shoulders. When my eyes slid over the pale skin of his arms, I was suddenly mesmerised by how his pronounced muscles moved as he was scrubbing his hands clean. Looking up, I caught him eying me in the mirror. Or, more accurately - he had caught me eying him. When he turned around I saw that some of my blood had been smeared on his shirt.

 He filled a glass with water and pressed it into my hand. “Here.”

 Just then I realised how much I craved that water. My mouth was dry and tasted of blood. I downed the glass in one go.

 Levi filled it up again and handed it back to me along with two pills of some sort. I looked questioningly at him. He just said, “Painkillers,” and I swallowed them without protest.

 He knelt down next to me again and started unbuttoning my shirt. When removed, it revealed a frightful display of bruises all across my abdomen. My breath caught in my throat when Levi’s warm hands ghosted across my skin, and I tried desperately to control my breathing as my heart started pounding in my chest. His long fingers traced the outline of my ribs, before adding gentle pressure here and there. I gasped when an icy shock of pain shot through me.

 “Sorry,” he said. “They aren’t broken at least. Only bruised.”

 His hands left my chest, to my mixed feelings. He reached for the bottle of sterilizer and drenched another ball of cotton with it. He moved up to my face once more and started cleaning a cut that had emerged from underneath the blood and filth on my cheek.

 Slowly the pain in my head became almost bearable. I focused on Levi’s face before me to stay rooted in the present.

 “Tell me what happened,” Levi requested softly. Maybe the momentary clarity I felt had showed in my expression. The cut on my cheek was stinging and I scrounged my eyes together tightly.

 “They – “ I had to clear my throat. “Someone ambushed me. They told me to stop snooping around…” The gravelly quality of my voice upset me.

 “Do you know who they were? Did you see them?”

 I shook my head.

 “They were wearing masks…”

 Opening my eyes again, I saw the dark look that had descended on Levi’s face. He wasn’t meeting my eyes, intently concentrating on the task at hand.

 “That kid – do you think he set you up?” He turned my hands over in my lap so that he could clean the cuts on my palms. They were only scraped a little bit, but they were full of grit. I hissed at the burning sensation the sterilizer inspired.

 "Those guys... they were waiting for me. Jean knew I was coming and he knows my usual route, too. It fits too well."

 Levi hummed.

 "I agree that it is too much of a coincidence. But surely, he must have figured out that you would trace this all back to him. I don't see how he thought this would do him any good, unless he thought he could scare you off."

 "Then he's a fucking stupid piece of shit."  

 Levi didn’t say anything, but I heard him give a chuckle. He finished cleaning my hands and applied a few band aids to the minor wounds. When he was done my hands were burning.

 “I think that’ll do.”

 I started buttoning my shirt back up, but stopped when I saw that Levi was about to get to his feet again. On impulse I grabbed hold of his hand, halting him. His eyes were on mine in an instant and I pulled him into a light kiss. The cut on my lip stung a little bit, but this time I didn’t doubt that it was a sweet sting.

 “Thank you,” I whispered when we parted. His mouth was still hovering close to mine, his hot breath brushing over my lips. Eyes lidded, his hand came up to cup my cheek as he brought our lips together again in another short kiss.

 I would have been so screwed without him.

 If it weren’t for him, I would still be lying underneath that bridge half dead.

 He helped me to my feet, although I could probably have managed on my own by then. Although, I must confess that my legs did feel a bit weak. 

 "I'm fine," I said, just as a stab of pain shot through my abdomen, making my voice rise in pitch. Now that I was standing upright again, the ground felt slightly uneven beneath my feet, and before I could fall flat on my face, Levi grabbed my arm and steadied me. 

 I was thinking how glad I was that dad had left and that Mikasa had moved out; there would be no one to explain my physical state to when I got home. "I'm sorry for all the bother," I said, glancing apologetically at him, "but if you could drive me home, that would be - "

 "Don't be stupid. You're staying here tonight." 

 "Are - are you, sure?" I stammered. By way of answer, Levi put a hand between my shoulders and steered me out of the bathroom and out into the hall. 

 "You can have the bed. I'll sleep on the sofa."

 He led me through a door on the right and I found myself in Levi’s bedroom. Hesitantly I moved into the room but turned back to look at him. He took hold of my arm again and guided me over to his bed. I sat down on the edge of it, gratefully. The short trek we had just done made me realise how weak I actually felt. Levi's hand left my shoulder. 

 “Strip,” he said, “and I’ll wash your clothes.”

 Trembling slightly, I nodded. My shirt was already unbuttoned so I merely slipped it off my shoulders. I felt bashful, undressing in front of him like that, so I concentrated on the task, trying not to think about the fact that he was watching me, although I could feel his gaze on me all the time. I did not attribute my trembling to the coldness of the room.

 When I was sitting there only in my briefs, I boldly lifted my head to look at him standing before me. The room was dark, and the night on the other side of the window, by nature, relented no illumination. But my eyes had gotten used to the murky darkness that surrounded us, and I could make out the features of his face and the movement of his eyes quite clearly. I swallowed. The air was suddenly incredibly thick and hard to breathe.

 "Thank you so much, Levi." It was only a hoarse whisper, sounding exceptionally strange in this unlit foreign room. I had thanked him so many times that day, and yet I didn’t feel like it was enough.

 Suddenly, the memory of our second encounter, at my house, came to mind. 

 We had been placed just like this. Me sitting, lowered and vulnerable, Levi standing threateningly before me, having me at his mercy. I remembered how I had been afraid of him.

 But things had changed since then.

 Although I was in a position of vulnerability in this very moment too, I did not fear him any longer - I trusted him. The eyes that were resting on me this time around were not hostile. 

 "You have no idea... I mean - I owe you so much..." I trailed off. 

 "You owe me nothing, kid." He placed his hand on my shoulder, before moving it up to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing against my cheekbone. I leant into the touch. "Get some sleep," he murmured. 

 "Ok," I whispered, the word almost inaudible.

 Then he retracted his arm, picked up my discarded clothes and quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him. 

 For two whole minutes I remained still, staring at the door. It was much too quiet here now, with only one pair of lungs working steadily. 

 Eventually, I gathered myself and crawled under the covers, slowly and carefully, to avoid as much strain on my body as possible. Once my head was resting on the pillow, it was like the soft mattress soaked up the remaining energy in my body. Revelling in how the sheets smelled of Levi, I could nearly forget that I was sleeping alone.

__________

 "Coffee and cigarettes, that's no combination.”

 Levi was sitting on the sofa in the living room, cigarette between his fingers and a cup of steaming black coffee on the table in front of him. He was reading a book. Grey, tentative light was issued forth from the windows opposite him, colouring the scene with a quietness that I almost felt bad about breaking. When Levi heard me speak he turned around slowly, taking a drag of his cigarette, before settling a pair of probing eyes on me whilst smoke billowed out from between his slightly parted lips.

 My stomach did definitely not give a jump at that.

 "Iggy Pop would beg to differ,” he said softly.

 My face braking out into a grin, I gave a little chuckle and was glad to feel the tension leave my body. Levi, though, groaned in response.

 “Oh, god, why are we referencing that film. That’s so damn pretentious.” Shaking his head, he closed the book he had been reading and put it on the table. I moved towards him a bit awkwardly, my body being stiff and sore.

 “It’s a good film, though.” I shrugged and took a seat next to him, grimacing when a cold stinging sensation ran through my ribcage, making me draw a quick breath. “I like Jarmusch,” I managed, albeit a little wheezy.

 “Yeah, him and Proust.” He leant forward to crush his cigarette out in the ashtray next to his coffee.

 I laughed. “You have a point.”

 The red book he had placed on the table captured my attention. “What are you reading?”

 He didn’t meet my eye when he answered.

 “ _Swann’s Way.”_

 My eyes widened. “Really? I thought you said that you already read it.”

 He shook his head. “I never finished it, and it’s been a long fucking time since then.”

 “Why are you reading it now?” I asked, keeping my voice as neutral as I could possibly manage.  

 “Because I never really understood it. And when a brat like you enjoy it so fucking much, I don’t see why I should have any problems with it,” he added caustically, but he still wasn’t looking me in the eye.

 “Well, what do you think so far?”

 “He’s – it’s a rigmarole,” he said curtly and turned abruptly towards me with an intent manner. He was obviously done talking about Proust. Only then did he meet my gaze.

 “How are you feeling?” he interrogated in a stilted tone. Perhaps he sounded harsher than what he had intended to because he added in a calmer tone, “Did you sleep well?”

 I let out a disappointed sigh, but I indulged him. “Yeah. I feel fine, just a little battered, is all.”

 He was regarding me with narrowed eyes, like he didn’t believe me. He didn’t let up until I exclaimed, “I’m fine! I’m not made of glass, Levi.” His expression softened at that and he reached for his coffee, letting the subject go.

 “Shit, I should be in school,” I realised.

 Levi got up from the sofa, unconcerned. “You need to rest. Remember, you might have a concussion. You can afford to skip one day,” he said resolutely, then, moving over to the kitchen, “Do you want some breakfast? I’ve got toast, but that’s about it.”

 “Fuck yes, I am actually starving.” My stomach groaned in assent just then. “But can I use your shower first? I feel disgusting.”

 “Of course, brat. Towels are in the cupboard under the sink.” 

 “Thanks,” I said and started the trek to the bathroom.

 “Oi,” he shouted after me, “be careful with the bandages. Especially the one on your head, or your brain might just fall out.”

 I was glad that I had already shut the bathroom door behind me so he couldn’t see the smile that spread across my face.

 It was nothing short of heaven to stand underneath a stream of hot water, feeling all the sweat and dirt and remaining blood wash away from my skin. When I saw how my bruises had evolved during the night into ugly black, blue and yellow stains, I was shocked. Hopefully they would go away soon. Water rushing in pleasing rivulets down my body, I let my thoughts wander.  

  _Jean._ Fucking Jean. Of course he had set me up. But was he really so dense that he thought that he could scare me off like that? That I would shy back and give up? He knew me better than that. Well, I had _used_ to think that he knew me, but lately he had kept proving me wrong.

 When I left the warm water I felt better, but also somewhat wound up by the scenes from yesterday that were now playing on repeat in my mind - and the thought that Jean was the one responsible for it all, only made it worse.

 I put on my recently washed clothes that I had found neatly folded at the foot of the bed when I woke up that morning.

 Levi was sitting on a tall stool at his kitchen counter, tapping away on his phone. When he heard me approaching he looked up at me and motioned to a plate of toast waiting on the counter. “There you go, brat. I’m no cook, though, so be warned.”

 I took a seat opposite him on the island, appreciatively drawing the plate to me. “I’m still not a brat, you know.” I felt completely starved so I didn’t care what it tasted like. Levi ignored my comment.

 “Coffee?”

 “Yeah, please,” I said around the toast I was happily chewing. Levi scrounged up his face in disgust, getting up to get me a cup.

 “Yep, you are definitely still a brat,” he concluded, handing me a cup of coffee before sitting down again. Now that I had him right in front of me I could see the shadows beneath his eyes, starkly contrasting the paleness of his skin.

"Did _you_ get any sleep?”

 He sent me an annoyed look. “Don’t you worry about that, just eat your damn breakfast.”

 I glared at him. “You’re rude.”

 “Yeah, and I don’t give a shit,” he deadpanned.

 I hid the smile that was about to break out on my face by sipping my coffee. Levi put his phone away and fixed me with a stare. I felt myself leaning back in my chair slightly; being so close to him with his eyes on me like that was a little bit intense.

 He took a sip of his coffee and said, "Have you heard of The Titans?"

 I scrunched up my face as I rummaged through my mind. I swallowed a mouthful of toast before saying, "No, I can't say that I have. What is it?" 

 "Who are they, you mean." He put his coffee down; making sure that there was a coaster underneath it. "They're a rival gang, has been the Legion's number one pain in the arse since the very beginning." Just mentioning them he looked appalled.

 "Oh. I have never heard of them before. Are they big?" 

 "You could say that. There's been plenty of turf wars between the Legion and The Titans, but the Legion has always managed to stay on top." 

 "Ok. And why are you telling me this?" I asked, confused. 

 He studied me for a little while. "Are you sure they've never been in contact with you?" 

 "Positive. I never even knew they existed until now. What, should they have been in contact with me?"

 Levi sighed. "To put it simply, yes. Seeing as your gang is currently the biggest one in the city, even if you're just a bunch of kids, it is very strange that you haven't heard from them yet… The Legion noticed you, and I can't see why The Titans shouldn't."

 "You're saying that, normally, they would have threatened us, like you did."

 "Yes," he said after a moment of silence, "but for some reason they have been sitting idly by, doing nothing."

 “Maybe they just aren’t as aggressive as you,” I suggested.

 The look he gave me made me shrink back.

 “Trust me,” he snapped, “they’re fucking warmongers.”

 “All right, ok, if you say so,” I relented.

 Levi scowled at me. “Anyways, Erwin thinks they might have something to do with all of this.”

 I felt my gut twist in apprehension. “How?”

 “He believes that they might be the ones providing your friends with the drugs and whatever goods their selling.”

 “But – “

 “Why would they do that? To afflict the Legion. When your gang grows stronger you become more of a threat to us. Maybe they even want to merge with you. Who knows. They’ve tried to take us down for ages, so maybe they figured it was time for a different approach.”

 “So, they’re using our numbers to try to take you down? And also, hurting you financially…”

 “That’s about it. We can’t be sure, though. These are just Erwin’s speculations, but his speculations tend to be pretty damn accurate.”

 “Jesus christ,” I muttered, staring down into my cup. It was a lot to take in. If this was true, then it was even bigger than what I had imagined. The Titans? I definitely did not like the sound of that.

 “So, what do I do now?”

 “Erwin says that we will take care of Jean. The time for coaxing and waiting has passed. If you run into him, contact me immediately.”

 “What – what are you going to do to him?”

 Levi regarded me for a long while, expression remarkably passive and heavy.

 “Talk to him,” he said eventually, voice soft.

 It was not hard to picture what kind of conversation they would have with Jean. No matter how much I hated that guy, I still felt uneasy about that. “Ok,” I said, somewhat muted.

 “How’s your head? Do you need any painkillers?”

 I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. It hurts, but it’s not that bad.”

 “Is there anybody at your house right now, or is it just you?”

 I looked away. “No, it’s just me. My sister moved out recently.”

 “In that case you should stay here another night.”

 When he saw my confusion and the heat that was presumably rising in my cheeks, he added, “You most likely have a concussion, dumbass. Somebody needs to be there if you are about to keel over and die.”

 “Ah. Right.”

 “I’ll drive you over to your house so you can grab some stuff.”

 “Ok…” I was burying my eyes in the countertop, trying hard not to show how glad I actually was when I realised that I wouldn’t have to go back to an exceptionally empty house. “But…” I glanced at him, “don’t you have… things to do today?”

 “Not today, brat.”

________

 Levi was waiting for me in his car while I ran inside to gather my things. All the while I was rummaging through my closet, picking out clothes and shoving them in a bag, I thought how utterly surreal this whole affair was.

 Levi had gone from being my enemy, then my captain, so to speak, and now… what was he now? I didn’t think of us as enemies anymore, but theoretically we still were. On the other hand… your enemy did not take you home to clean and dress your wounds, or insist that you stay over another night to make sure that you are ok. He doesn’t kiss you tenderly either or look at you with concern… Unless I had gotten the definition of “enemy” completely wrong.

 I grabbed some books too, remembering that I had a massive assignment that was due in a few days time, and that I should probably start having a look at that, then I locked the front door and went back to the car.

________

 It was weird.

 It was extraordinarily weird.

 No, no, no – it was utterly absurd.

 Here I was, sitting on the sofa in Levi’s living room, leafing through my textbook, not actually reading whatever was written in it, whilst Levi was somewhere in the flat doing something.  

  _What is this?_

  _Oh, right, yeah – the definition of absurdity, that’s what… and madness, probably._

"Eren.”

 The sound of my name jolted me out of my paralyzing thoughts. Turning my head, I saw that Levi was standing a little way behind me, leaning on the corner wall of the hallway. My stomach stirred at the sight of him. How long had he been standing there?

 Having successfully captured my attention, he sauntered into the room and took a seat on a chair to my left. He leant back into the chair and propped his head up with his hand, placing his elbow on the armrest. “Can I ask you something?" The deep mellifluousness of his voice travelled down my spine in a pleasant manner.

 I swallowed and waited a moment before I said, "Sure."

 "Why did you found a gang?"

 The question caught me by surprise. "Why do you ask?"

 "I'm curious. You said you never wanted anything to do with the criminal underworld, so why the fuck did you go found a gang?"

 There was a slight bite to his words, a bite that rubbed me the wrong way. "Well, as I mentioned before, I did not intend to start a “gang”. We were just a group of friends at first, but then more and more people joined, and suddenly… we were a gang." I shrugged. "I just… wanted a place where I could belong. My sister and my best friend... I can’t spend much time with them. I don’t want to burden them with my presence."

 Levi frowned. "Why would your presence be a burden to them?"

 I bit my lip. I drew a deep breath before I attempted to explain. "Because they care about me too much. They think that they can fix me, but I know that it can't be done. That is why I removed myself from them. I don’t want to hurt them.”

 Looking at him in that very moment became a bit too much, so my eyes wandered over to the ashtray on the table. It had been emptied out. I don’t think I ever saw such a clean ashtray before in my life.

 "I'm not saying that I agree with you,” came Levi’s voice, coaxing my gaze to travel back to him, “but your reasons were at least nobler than mine."

 "For joining a gang?"

 He nodded.

 That upset me. "I don't see how,” I said. “After what you told me… it was survival, right?" I swallowed nervously when I remembered what he had asked me weeks ago and added,  "Are you saying that it was wrong of you to choose to stay alive?" echoing him.

 His passive, unyielding expression morphed into a confounded one; like he had just received a letter transcribed in Arabic and was expected to understand what it said; first he was baffled, then he grew irritated.

 "I could have found other ways,” he said tenaciously. “The fact that I was a sad little fuck doesn’t excuse my actions. I've been doing this shit for eight years now, and it's been a long time since I've starved. I don’t _have_ to do this anymore. It's just my job now, not a means for survival.”

 He was unnerved, I could tell. The forbidding tone of his voice, the sharp glint in his eyes and the shape of his mouth told me so. This was definitely not his favourite subject. I was starting to regret venturing into these waters, but to be fair; he had been the one to embark us. I considered leaving it at that, but realised I did not want to.

 "Then why don't you quit?" I asked quietly, carefully – afraid that I might upset him more. The way he looked at me clearly showed that he did not appreciate my suggestion. I thought he was going to snap at me, show me the true glory of his vocabulary of swear words, but what he said next took me by surprise.

 “I think I might want to.”

 I thought I had misheard him completely. I blinked, incredulous. “What?”

 “I’m sick and tired of this shit. It’s ridiculous and I’m fucking tired of it.”

 I saw him scrub a hand across his face and through his hair. Eyes scrounged together, he muttered in frustrated aggravation, “And I don’t know why the fuck I am telling you this.”

 I was struck speechless, and could only watch in awe as Levi unraveled before me.

 “It’s been like this for a while now,” he confessed. His eyes were still shut tight as he dug the back of his head into the chair he was sitting in. “I get this bad taste in my mouth. The things I do now make me feel filthy, and when I think back on the things I have done in the past I feel disgusted with myself.”

 He let out a breath of humourless laughter, finally opening his eyes, seeking mine. The look in them was something I had seen hints of before. Like yesterday, when he had cared for me. It was tender, but a tenderness that was not sure of itself. Like it had a hard time believing in its own existence, but finally acknowledged its own nature in wonder. “Who knew… seems like I have a sense of morality after all.”

 I had always had this notion where I felt like I wanted to erase my current existence, and morph into something bodiless, so that I could exist in this eternal state, like in the background hum of the universe, or as a part of a blood red sky, or in between the notes of a well composed song, or even in a marvelously worded sentence.

 This was the very first time in my life that I wanted to exist just as I was, in this very moment, as the object of Levi’s gaze.  

 Levi had always appeared cold and unforgiving. He had threatened me, he had humiliated me, he had been violent, he had been hurtful – he was definitely no saint.

 But despite all of that, there had been times when I had been able to see through his mask. A flicker of his eye, the intonation of his voice, a gentle touch of his hand – an unguarded moment that revealed to me that he was not, in fact, an unfeeling humanoid creature.

 No, he cared. He cared about me. If anything, yesterday had proven that.

 In that moment he presented me with a look so honest, so unguarded, so thrilling, that I forgot how to speak. I wanted to tell him something meaningful, but I was momentarily incapacitated. I opted for giving him a smile, a smile that I felt to be so utterly genuine that it doubled my happiness… and I think he understood it.

 Levi got up from his chair to stand before me. He was wearing a soft smile as he lifted his hand to touch my chin, tilting my head up slightly.

 “I am sorry for the way you have been treated - by the Legion and by your friends.” I clung to his gaze like a lifeline, spellbound by the sincerity in it and in his voice. “And I am sorry for the way I have treated you. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

 “Levi –

 “I believe in your innocence, so I will help you out of this shit. Everything that has happened to you has been fucking unfair and I’ll make sure that whoever caused you so much pain will pay for it.“ His thumb brushed over my lower lip and I still could not break away from the spell he had put on me.

 “I promise,” he murmured and leant down to capture my lips in a sweet but heavy kiss.


	14. Chapter 14

 The first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes was the pale sunlight of early morning, timidly reaching out from the windows, like it was loath to wake me from my sleep.

 Come to think of it, maybe it really was reluctant to wake me. Perhaps it wished for me to sleep through the entirety of the day because it knew, somehow, just what I would do in less than 24 hours.

 Maybe it was so extraordinary pale because it knew that my hands would be responsible for a tremendous spillage of vivid colour before the day was done. It was just like I fancied the author of my story to foreshadow the events to come. The pale morning would be contrasted by a blood-red night. The quiet of the dawn juxtaposed with the lament of dusk.

 If I had known that, when my consciousness began to stir that morning, I would have fought it, letting myself be swallowed back into the sweet oblivion of sleep where I would stay until the next dawn came and the danger had passed.

 But I did not know what the sunlight did. I could not know that. I was blissfully unaware.

 For a little while I was a bit disoriented because I could not recognize the room I was in. I had not slept in many bedrooms in my life, and in the first few seconds following sleep I was hard pressed to recall which one this was. But when I eventually remembered, a slow smile spread across my face.

 The next thing I became aware of, at the sound of fabric rustling and the dip in the mattress beside me, was that I was not alone.

 I turned around slowly and was met with the sight of Levi sitting on the edge of the bed, next to my outstretched body. He was wearing a plain white shirt and a pair of black jeans, I observed with sleepy eyes. He was watching me with a pensive look that made me feel funny. I blinked a couple of times, my mind still dulled by sleep, while he looked at me. I cleared my throat.

“Good morning,” I said, my voice gruff from sleep.

 His eyes became more focused when he heard me speak, like it brought him back to the present. “Good morning.” His voice was a murmur. When I turned my body around fully, the covers moved down somewhat in the process, and I felt more than saw Levi’s eyes slipping down to my exposed collarbones. I swallowed.

 “It’s time for you to go to school.”

 “Oh, right… yeah. Thanks for waking me up.”

 “No problem.”

 I waited for him to get up and leave, but he didn’t. He didn’t move. I didn’t move.

 There was a low thumping noise in my ears that became more prominent as the seconds ticked by. I saw his eyes travel to my skin again, and I barely managed to repress a shudder.

 It was something so hushed and fragile about the atmosphere. It was almost as if it expected to be broken and was waiting with bated breath for the blow to strike.

 By the time Levi leant down towards me, I had almost forgotten how to breathe. I felt his lips brush over my collarbone softly before he planted a wet kiss there. He raised his head to meet my eyes, looking intently at me, searching for any discomfort.

 Unable to speak, I merely slid my hand into his hair and brought him up to my face. I didn’t think that I would ever get tired of being kissed by Levi. If I could go to a dimension where all I would ever do was kissing Levi, I would not think twice about going there.

 I parted my lips, inviting his tongue to enter, and it came readily to explore and conquer. Feeling the wet muscle moving against my own again made me moan wantonly into his mouth, something that instantly turned his kiss hungrier and made him slip a hand underneath the covers to grab my waist possessively.

 His mouth left mine to leave a trail of kisses beneath my jawline and down the expanse of skin on my neck. I felt his other hand sneak up my abdomen to let a finger tease my right nipple, making me whimper pathetically. Biting my lip, I tried desperately to muffle the embarrassing sounds that were escaping my mouth, but it wasn’t very easy when my body was wrecked with sensation, and when Levi was the one doing it. I could not believe this was actually happening.

 Finally, he pushed the covers away to expose my upper body. When his eyes fell upon the ugly bruises that were adorning my skin a dark look descended on him. But in the next moment his lips were on me again, fluttering lightly over the daunting marks, kissing them, making them harmless. I closed my eyes, relishing the sensation and the warmth that spread throughout my being.

 When I felt his tongue run over one of my nipples I gasped and opened my eyes. He swirled his tongue around it and gave it a little bite, not enough to hurt, but enough to make me arch my body into him. The hand on my waist travelled further behind to grab my ass through my briefs, squeezing it tightly, and I let out a sound of some sort when his fingers started kneading the flesh there. I felt so hot it was almost unbearable. I needed him to do something. I needed him to _touch me_ and that was what I was about to open my mouth and say when his hand moved to my front, fingers skirting the hem of my underwear before dipping in and taking my hardness into his hand.

 “Ah, Levi - “ his name rolled off my tongue in a high pitched and breathless moan. Levi lifted his head from my chest to meet my lust-ridden gaze, as his hand started moving up and down my length slowly.

 “What is it?” he asked me, teasingly. “Never gotten a hand job before?”

 His thumb brushed over the head of my cock just as I was about to answer, making me stutter.

 “Ah – n- no,” I whimpered, shaking my head and turning my head away in embarrassment. I hadn’t done anything sexual with anybody before, and although Levi was incredibly hot and I knew that I definitely wanted this, it was still kind of scary.

 Levi wasn’t having any of that. He placed his hand on the side of my head to turn it back again, and he descended on my mouth immediately when he had me where he wanted. I lost myself in the kiss and the incredible feeling of his hand on my cock, and forgot about the embarrassment of it all.

 We parted, his mouth was still only inches from mine, and I could feel the hotness of his breath when he asked me, “Well, does it feel good?”

 His tongue came out to lick sensually at my lower lip before he was nipping at it with his teeth. The tip of his tongue ran over the small cut on the corner of my lip, and it felt surprisingly good.

 His question would probably have annoyed me at any other given time. Like, of course it felt good, it wasn’t as if I had never touched myself before. But at the moment I was too flustered, and anything he said in that seductive voice of his affected my body to an extent I would never have thought possible.

 Levi sat up. The heaviness of his eyes seemed to weigh down on me as they roamed over my feverish body. His thumb was circling the head of my cock, spreading the wetness that had already gathered there, and I let out a lewd moan on a stuttered breath. His hand tightened around me appreciatively and I bucked my hips up into the tightness. I saw his eyes darken even as they were beholding me.

 “I had nearly forgotten the sweet noises you make.” His eyes were twinkling with desire.

 I, on the other hand, had not forgotten how easily he could unwind me.

 He removed his hand from between my legs, but before I could whine at the loss of sensation, he was pulling my briefs down ever so slowly, the fabric brushing against the hot flesh of my erection, making me groan from the meagre friction. My cock sprang free of its confines, curving up towards my stomach, precum glistening at the head. Levi closed his hand around it again; smearing the liquid that was leaking out of me along my shaft as he started moving his hand at a languid pace.

 “You’ve got a pretty cock,” he mused, eyes fixed on my length. He licked his lips and thumbed my slit, making me cry out. ”You’re leaking.”

 “S-stop saying stuff like – “

 The words died on my tongue when he lowered his head to lick a broad stripe on the head of my cock. The look he sent me was downright diabolical. He placed kisses all along my length before turning back to the head, circling his tongue around it.

 My cock was aching, rock hard and glistening with his spit and my precum. I was writhing on the bed, desperate for release, whimpering and begging for it.

 “Ahh, Levi – please. Nnh, please – “

 “Please what?” he asked, holding on to my cock with one hand while mouthing at it teasingly. The look in his eyes told me he was just as turned on by this as I was.

 I couldn’t find the words to tell him that I wanted him to wrap his lips around me. I bit my lip, mewling when he pressed the flat of his tongue against my head again. He decided to help me along.

 “Do you want me to suck you off?”

 I nodded desperately. “Yes, please. Oh, god, yes.”

 He was smirking at me, glancing up my body from his position. “I think I can oblige.”

 I held my breath as he finally wrapped his lips around the head of my cock and gave it a teasing suck. He dipped his tongue into my slit to collect the precum that was steadily dribbling out of it, before he took me into his mouth again. This time he went halfway down my length before going back up, his tongue tracing the underside as he did so.

 “Aah, shit…” I hissed, eyes rolling back into my head when he increased the suction. He started bobbing his head up and down at a steady pace. My mind went foggy when all I could focus on was the perfection of his hot wet mouth and how good it felt around my cock. “Levi,” I mewled breathlessly, mindlessly, “… so good.”

 My hand went into his hair and he hummed around my length. I could feel the vibrations going through it and in a moment of mindless frenzy I bucked up into that heavenly heat, craving more of it, and my hand tightened in Levi’s hair when I felt my tip brush the back of his throat. It felt so good to be so deep, but still I regretted it the instant it happened.

 “S- sorry, Levi. I didn’t mean to – “

 He released me and sent me a glare. “This isn’t the first time I’ve sucked cock, brat.”

 He leant down to take me into his mouth again, first lavishing the head with attention, before proving just how skilled he was when he took my whole length in one go and swallowed around it – several times.

 “F-fuck! Levi, I’m gonna – “

 He bobbed his head at a fast pace before taking all of me once more, the tip of my cock hitting the back of his throat again. And then I was cumming. He drew back a little bit to catch my load on his tongue. He sucked me dry, milking me through my orgasm, and I was slipping away into bliss while it racked through my body.

 His tongue wandered over my softening length, cleaning me thoroughly and making sure that there was nothing left. My chest was heaving while I came down from the mind-blowing orgasm. I met Levi’s eyes, which were resting on me, with a satisfied expression. Then I realised that he had swallowed all of my cum. I wrinkled my nose at him.

 “That’s disgusting,” I murmured.

 His smirk grew wider and his eyes glinted mischievously.

 “Is that so?”

 He crawled up towards me until his face was hovering close to mine. I was transfixed by the heaviness of his gaze. The low tone of his voice sent a shudder down my spine and even stirred my soft member.

 “Want to taste?” he whispered, mouth an inch from mine, and closing the distance slowly.

 I felt like I should say no, that I should turn my face away, but I didn’t. I didn’t actually think; my body acted of its own accord, and I parted my lips in invitation. Our lips moulded in a lazy kiss, his sinfully slick tongue tangling with mine, and I could taste a bitterness that definitely had not been there before. It wasn’t exactly pleasant, and yet it was strangely arousing, and I was letting out a filthy sound that surely must have made my thoughts on the act quite clear to Levi, because I could feel the start of a chuckle escaping him even as his lips were still pressed against mine.  

 When he drew back his eyes were hooded and with pupils perhaps a tiny bit more blown than before. His thumb traced my lower lip as he snickered.

 “I almost feel bad.”

 “About what?” My voice was weak and my mind was still foggy.

 “Debauching you.”

 He sat up and watched me with a smirk as my face scrounged up in indignation.

 “You’re not debauching me,” I huffed. He made it sound like I was a little kid that had never engaged in any sexual activity before –

 … and although that might be true, he had no way of knowing that.

 “I’m eighteen years old.”

 “So? That was your first blow job.”

 “H-how would you know?”

 My face was heating up in shame. I tucked myself back into my briefs and sat up in bed to face him properly. I had a hard time keeping his gaze but I did it nevertheless. It looked like he was having a tremendous amount of fun.

 “You said you never had a hand job before, so I hardly think anybody has gone down on you before either.”

 I looked away and muttered something incomprehensible. It was true. I had never done anything like this before. I had never been especially close to anyone in my life because of obvious reasons.

 “I bet I was the first one you kissed, too,” he purred.

 “You are enjoying this way too much.”

 Levi was obviously on a roll. The heat in my cheeks had not died out yet and it only increased when he locked my gaze with his. I was about to throw something spiteful at him when he leant over and gave me a kiss, the feeling of it lingered on my lips for a long time after we parted.

 “I don’t mind,” he told me, his voice a sweet susurrus in my ears. “After all, you are a surprisingly good kisser.”

 The tingling in my body was not just post-orgasmic bliss.

 My eyes dropped to the evident bulge in his jeans. It looked rather uncomfortable. I cleared my throat. “Do you – can I – do you want me to help you with that?” The words kind of just fell out of my mouth. I felt so awkward.

 It looked like he considered my offer for a brief moment, but then he got to his feet. “You’ll be late for school.”

 I let my head fall back into the pillows, groaning when I remembered. Levi moved out of the room. “Grab yourself some food and I’ll drive you. I’m just going to get a quick shower.”

 Reluctantly pushing the covers away, I got out of bed – Levi’s bed.

 That night he had slept on the sofa again. I had been of a mind to ask him to stay with me, but I had not been brave enough. The way he woke me up today though… I would never have anticipated that. Thinking about it, it was impossible to be in a bad mood, and I dressed quickly, not actually wanting to be late for school. I walked out into the hallway. When I passed by the bathroom door I could hear the shower running and it was really hard not to picture a naked Levi, rivulets of water running down his smooth pale skin, a hand reaching down to grip the hardness between his legs...

 Okay. Time to get some breakfast.

 I hurried out into the kitchen, searching through Levi’s cupboards until I found a box of cereal. When Levi appeared in the hallway I had just finished washing my bowl and was putting it back on its shelf.

 “You ready?”

 He pulled his leather jacket on and grabbed his keys off the counter. His hair was still wet and I felt a sudden urge to run my hands through it, and _shit_ I had forgotten how good he looked in that jacket.

 “Yeah, one sec.”

 I ran out into the living room to grab my backpack, which I had left there last night when I had been studying.

 I had a hard time looking at Levi because I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had done to me only a short while ago. He seemed to sense this, but he refrained from commenting on it, only smirking knowingly at my flustered behaviour. He also went out of his way to brush close against me when he passed me in the narrow hallway and trailed a hand over my back as I bent down to put on my shoes.

 Levi’s flat was on the first floor of a small block situated on the west side of the town centre, in an area I had not been to very much, except to see a handful of underground bands play at tiny venues.

 He drove me to school but dropped me off a few blocks away so that nobody I knew would see me with him. If people started asking questions about who that short guy was it would be really bad, especially if they were to recognise him at some later point in time.

 "Hey.” Having caught his attention, Levi turned to look at me. The motor was still running, the car was standing by the curb. "Thanks for everything. And for letting me stay with you. I really appreciate it."

 He rolled his eyes, but there was a tiny smile on his lips. "Jeez, stop thanking me, brat. You make me sound like a saint for letting a hot brunet sleep in my bed."

 I was about to splutter out a protest when he continued. “Anyways, you should lay low for a while. Don’t go to headquarters, don’t ask around – just lay low, all right?”

 I frowned at that. “You want me to back down? Just because they threatened me?” I asked, incredulously. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “As I said, they can’t scare me off that easily. I want to get to the bottom of this!” My tone rose in an indignant pitch. The hands that were resting in my lap were clenched into fists.

 Levi arrested me in a cold glare. “Listen, you shit, I didn’t say for you to back down, now did I? I told you to _lay low;_ do I have to spell it out for you?” I met his gaze as evenly as I could, glaring back at him. “They almost bashed your bloody brains out, remember? Are you that desperate to get yourself killed?” His brows corrugated sharply, framing and intensifying the foreboding look in his eyes. It made me falter in my defence; I could feel myself retreating.

 “They will be watching you like hawks from now on, seeing if you’re going to do as they told you to or not – so just wait until it blows over, okay?” He eased off on his threatening mien as he saw me resign. He continued in a softer, more composed voice. “As I told you, Erwin wants the Legion to handle Jean, so you don’t need to go looking for him. But if you do happen to run into him,” the severity of his voice deepened, “don’t approach him. Just contact me and we’ll take it from there, understood?”

 That commanding tone in his voice, I did not like it at all. He was telling me I had no choice in the matter and was expecting me to comply obediently.

 “Fine,” I grumbled.

 He watched me in disbelief before giving an exasperated sigh. “Please don’t act like the brat you are.”

 “So I’m being a brat am I, because I don’t want my life dictated by others? You know what, I’m getting really fucking tired of it.”

 I retorted, glaring at him, ticked off that he would just dismiss my feelings entirely like that, like it was irrational to get upset when your life has been turned upside down and you are expected to let your life and your decisions be decided by someone else.

 Levi met my challenging gaze steadily, but I could see the muscles of his jaw flex and an almost imperceptible twitch of his eyebrow. He was silent for so long that I thought he was just going to ignore that I had said anything at all and maybe throw me out of his car, but then he let out a breath and relaxed his stony expression.

 “Look, Eren. I can understand that you are frustrated about being ordered around all the time, but trust me, I’m not saying this because I get some weird kick out of telling you what to do. I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to get hurt. Is that really so hard for you to understand?”

 His voice was calm, comfortable, compromising – not commanding.

 I remembered then that he had told me that he wanted to leave the Legion. He was tired of it, tired of making the wrong decisions, tired of hurting people. Levi wasn’t telling me to lay low because Erwin had told him to, he was telling me because he cared. Why, indeed, was that so hard for me to understand?

 I shook my head and averted my eyes from his. “No, it’s … yeah, I – I get it.” I glanced back at him. “Sorry.”

 “Shut up and get the fuck to school, moron. You’re fucking late.”

 He really didn’t like me apologising.

_________

 That day Connie and Sasha joined me at my table for lunch. I wanted to tell them what had happened to me, but I didn’t. It was probably best for them not to know. Otherwise, the two of them together was a great remedy for any ominous thoughts that were lurking in my mind. Connie had just told some lame joke that had Sasha choking furiously on the sandwich she was eating and I did not have the heart to tell him that I was laughing at Sasha’s ridiculous expression, not his joke.

 “That wasn’t funny,” she wheezed at us, Connie patting her back and giving her a bright smile.

 “Sorry, babe. I can’t help being so funny.”

 She sent him a look that said exactly how funny she thought he was. The next moment she turned to me, like she had just remembered something.

 “Hey, Eren. Why don’t you come with us to The Fleece tonight? There’s this really cool underground band playing. Ymir and Christa are coming, Marco too, I bet. But Jean…” she trailed off. It was so natural to include him when talking about get-togethers like this, but things weren’t exactly what they had used to be. I felt my features turn stony at the mentioning of his name and wound on my scalp started to itch. Sasha shook her head sadly, “Who knows what he’s doing.”

 We were silent. I could tell that they regretted Jean not having showed his face for a while, and although I regretted that too, it was for entirely different reasons.

 “Anyways!” Sasha broke the silence with a vanquishing smile. “You coming, or what?”

 “Yeah, come on, Eren. It’s going to be flipping radical! My mate’s the bassist! They are so good, I tell you!” Connie piped in, grinning like a madman.

 I hadn’t been to a gig in ages and the alternative would be for me to go home to a very empty house and stew in my sombre thoughts. “Yeah, I would really like that, actually.”

 “Yay!”

____________

 The band wasn’t half bad. Admittedly, there were some poorly tuned guitars, some false vocals and screeching microphones involved, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. The fact that I had had a couple of beers might have had something to do with that, too.

 There was a beeping sound behind me that I miraculously managed to hear through the noise, and I turned around to see a girl answering her phone. Before she left for the exit I heard her saying, “Thank fuck, you saved me - the band’s fucking wank.”

 Okay, maybe they were pretty bad but I really did not care.

 Neither did Connie or Sasha, and I don’t think it was just them being supportive of their friend the bassist, because they looked genuinely into the music.

 It had been a long time since I had been to The Fleece and now that I was here again I remembered just how much I liked it here. Being an old harbour side warehouse it had a lot of character. Outside it was a weird mix of early industrial and byzantine architecture while the inside had the style of a gritty low ceilinged storehouse, with a floor that consisted of hard stomped earth. It was the coolest venue in town, in my opinion, and they – for the most part – hosted a lot of good bands. The dark walls were plastered with posters of the bands that had played there. A lot of them were famous ones who had played there at the very beginning of their career, before they became big. It seemed to me, if The Fleece took a band in, the odds of them making it, were good. Maybe there was hope for this band after all.

 “What do you reckon?” Ymir nudged me with her elbow, the other arm around Christa’s waist. She didn’t look entirely impressed with the people on stage but she was eyeing Connie and Sasha with a bemused expression as they jumped up and down together.

 I laughed. “I actually like it. They’re rustic. It’s a kind of perfect imperfectness. A pleasant dissonance. I like it, “ I maintained.

 I could tell that I had been drinking; I never said stuff like that out loud.

 Ymir rolled her eyes at me, making Christa laugh. “Write a bloody book, Eren.”

 “Don’t be mean, Ymir. He _should_ write a book.” She sent me a warm smile. “Why don’t you Eren? You’ve always been really poetic and we all know you love literature.”

 I let out an uncomfortable laugh. “That doesn’t mean that I’ll be any good at it. I swear I would have no patience.”

 “This band is really good, right, you guys?” Marco suddenly appeared by my shoulder, wearing a wide smile. He was carrying four pints of beer. “Here, it’s on me,” he said as he handed them out.

 “Cheers, Marco!” Ymir grinned enthusiastically, handing one to Christa.

 “This is brilliant. It’s been such a long time since we all went out together.” He was still smiling, but I could see the shadow that had descended on his face. His eyes fell on Sasha and Connie, who were still head banging along to the music.

 I took a sip of my beer. “You still haven’t heard from Jean?”

 His voice was subdued. “He sent me a couple of texts, telling me he was fine and that he was sorry, but that he wouldn’t be able to see me for a while. There was something he had to do.”

  _Selling drugs, conspiring with The Titans, being a massive dickhead – the usual._

“I’m sorry, Marco, but I don’t get what you see in that guy. You’re too good for him, honestly.”

 He turned his gaze on me, brows knitted together. “Don’t say that, Eren. Jean’s your friend.”

 “Yeah, he’s your friend too, and look how he’s treating us,” I snapped, an instant feeling of guilt washing over me when I realised that I had just snapped at Marco.

 “There must be a good reason for how he’s acting.”

 Was his faith in people unnaturally strong or was he merely singularly naïve? I could not tell. I wanted to tell him exactly how “good” Jean’s reasons were, but I did not have the heart to do so. No way, I did not want to be the one to paint his face with despair.

 Then there was somebody calling Marco’s name, recognising him from somewhere. He gave me a small smile before moving over to talk to them.

 I tried my best to ignore the itching irritation that had suddenly welled up in me. This day had been so good, from the moment the sun had crawled across Levi’s bedroom and until now, and I did not want anything to ruin it. Days like these were few.

 I closed my eyes, took another sip of my beer, and concentrated on shoving all my worries away, focusing only on the present and everything good that had happened that day. I turned to engage Ymir and Christa in conversation, but when I turned, my gaze caught a familiar face in the crowd, close to the exit, and the weak levee I had only just built up in my mind broke down in the blink of an eye.

 Jean had not seen me, or presumably any of the others, because his eyes were fixed on Marco alone, who was standing a little distance away talking to somebody I didn’t know. The next moment saw me pressing myself through the mass of bodies. Ymir and Christa were too engrossed in each other to notice me leave and Sasha and Connie too caught up in the music.

 My head suddenly felt very heavy and the cut on the back of my head started pounding as a rage that had been dormant quickened and seeped into my bloodstream, relentlessly pushing the blood through my veins at an alarming rate.

 I was halfway there when he spotted me. I watched the colour drain from his face and a look of dread settle on it.

 He bolted for the door.

 “Oi!”

 My shout didn’t bear far across the room, what with the loud music, but it earned me some funny looks from the people in my near vicinity. I pushed myself forward through the crowd until I finally reached the exit.

 I didn’t have time to react to the cool night air that collided with me when appearing outside. I barely caught the smallest glimpse of him scuttling around the corner and I set out in a sprint as I followed him.

 “JEAN!”

 It was like my blood had been lit on fire, adrenaline and fury pumping alongside each other in my veins, driving my body forward. I could feel the dimming of my consciousness as a familiar primeval desire begun to possess my body.

 Turning another dark corner, I detected Jean’s fleeing form ahead of me. But even as he ran I was gaining on him. I knew he could not outrun me. Maybe he knew that too, because for a moment he seemed to falter, and in the next he stumbled before he met the cobbled street with a yell.

 I was on him in an instant.

 I did not want an explanation from him.

 I did not desire any information he might have been able to give me.

 I did not want him to confess to his crimes.

 … at least not in this state.

 In this state I craved only one thing.

 And that was to annihilate.

 In that state he became everything I detested in this world, in this life, in every life I might have had before – and I wished to eliminate him, to demolish him, to feel his bones break under the force of my fury and for his blood to quench the maddening thirst that plagued my being.

 The violent rush of blood in my ears cancelled out his pleading, and my sight had nearly gone – mostly I only felt, mostly I only existed on a plane of sensation where I felt more than saw; like a blind animal, guided by mere instincts.

 Where did my soul retreat to in times like these?

 Could, indeed, a soul reside inside something like me?

 At my core was _this_ – a monster, perhaps reincarnated from another time, bearing the rage of a thousand years, and it was uncontrollable.

  _"EREN!”_

 My name cut through the haze like a cold pulse but it disappeared instantly as the heavy fog gathered once more, unchecked.

 Brutally I was yanked away from the source of my anger and the ground smacked into me. The impact shocked me to my senses, enough so that my sight was reinstated. I gasped for breath.

  _“What the fuck are you doing?”_

 My body was quivering with strain and seething with wrath and I scrabbled to sit back up and continue where I had left off.

 A hand caught me in my chest and a cool, familiar voice rang in my ears, “Snap out of it.”

 My gaze landed on Jean’s outstretched body, which was lying two feet away; face swollen and bloodied. He did not seem to be conscious.

 As I felt myself fully settle back into this plane of reality, I experienced a freezing cold sensation creeping into me, from the very tip of my toes till it had spread throughout every fibre of my being. I have never felt as cold, or as hollow, as I felt in that moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sudden smut appears*
> 
> Hide me, hide me away forever, I can't believe I wrote that.  
> I never planned to involve anything like that in the story - but I am so changeable! 
> 
> I honestly don't know how I had time to write this chapter, in between my exams. I've been writing non-stop about Chekhov for the last three days so it was nice sitting down with Do me a favour for a while..
> 
> The Fleece is actually a real venue in Bristol, UK. Actually, many of the places mentioned in this fic are kind of based on Bristol, since I lived there for a year. Bristol is not as terrible as Shiganshina is portrayed here, though! Bristol is a lovely city, my second home town <3 Just thought that would be a nice little fun fact to share. 
> 
> Eren finally gets to take his anger out on Jean. I wonder if he will regret that?
> 
> And a cookie for you if you find the reference to an Arctic Monkeys lyric!
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a monster, but I thought it would be very cruel to cut it in half ;) Enjoy!

 I looked at what I had done.

 So this was what I had wanted...

 I was not sure what I had expected to feel like once I had satisfied my hunger for violence, but it was definitely not this horrible, cold emptiness that was burrowing its way through my stomach. Could I justify this? The answer came immediately: a clear-cut no.

 My reason could not be reconciled with the raging beast inside of me – like mind and body, there was a bottomless chasm between the two. The logical connection between cause and hatred vanished in that instant I laid my eyes on Jean. Thus, my attacking him was reduced to nothing but a mere satisfaction of a primal urge. It did not matter if it was Jean – it could have been anyone.

 I was heaving for breath still. Levi was standing before me, hand still planted in my chest. He appeared tense, like he wasn’t sure if I would throw myself at him or not. My eyes darted to Jean, to his appalling state, then back up to Levi. Lucidly enough I wondered what he was doing there.

 “Levi…?”

 When he didn’t answer, turning his back to me as he squatted down next to Jean’s limp form, it felt like the bottom of my stomach fell out. I felt cold and foreign… like I had been misplaced into this body, like I did not actually belong there.

 I watched with eyes wide, breath ragged and a heartbeat that refused to slow down, while Levi did a quick examination of Jean.

 “Is he…?”

 My voice was broken and uneven and I wished that Levi would turn around so that I could see his face.

 Or, on second thought, maybe I didn’t want to see it.

 “He needs medical attention,” Levi said as he got to his feet. He turned to me. “Why did you do this?”

 I couldn’t make out his expression very well in the dark, but his words were sharp, demanding.

 My own words came hard; the shaky voice that carried them was not a suited mediator. “I couldn’t – I didn’t – I… I couldn’t stop… I told you I… I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry…”

 I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore so I lowered my head to the street, burying my eyes there, wanting to bury myself there instead. The silence seemed to last forever. I could hear the distant sound of music coming from The Fleece but that was about it. Apart from that venue, there were no other public houses nearby.

 “Hang on a minute,” I heard him say. A minute later, “Hanji, we’ve got a situation…”

 I zoned out. I heard him talking but the words didn’t register with me. At one point he sounded angry and I did hear him cursing profusely, but a numb feeling was slowly substituting the hollowness from before. It was wrapping itself around me like a blanket until I felt nothing – I just was.

 My eyes moved of their own will over to Jean and when they landed on him I could not tear them away. His face was so swollen and bloodied… I was sure that the sight should prompt some kind of feeling in me, but with that blanket of numbness shrouding me, it didn't. 

 Looking up at the sky from where I was sitting, it was as if I was at the bottom of a canyon, the old stone storehouses towering up before me on both sides. The sky was a strip of ominous clouds, the contours of which I could not make out very well due to the darkness of the late hour. I felt them shifting, though, the clouds, restlessly, desperate to alleviate some pressure. Their trembling; I recognised it in my own hands and I wished for a flash flood to come and wash me away. 

 When the first drop gently tapped me on the forehead, I heard Levi clear his throat. He was reaching out his hand for me.  

 I raised mine to take hold of his and it felt impossibly heavy. But when I saw what my hand looked like, I hesitated. It remained extended for a moment before I was drawing it back, because I didn’t want him to touch me.

 Impatiently, Levi snatched my retreating hand, squeezing it so tightly it hurt, and tugged me to my feet. I stumbled but he put his hand on my shoulder to support me.

 “We need to leave. We can’t be seen here.”

 That made my insides turn suddenly. 

 "We can't just leave him here! And you said it yourself, he needs to go to a hospital!" I exclaimed, extricating myself from Levi’s hold.

 The rain was falling steadily now, but it was only a light drizzle. My eyes darted back to Jean again and now the sight caused a strong nausea to well up inside of me.

  _I did that._ It echoed through my mind and the wound on the back of my head started hurting and a sudden dizziness heralded itself by making the ground beneath my feet sway.

 Levi took hold of my arm again but gentler this time. “Eren, listen to me.” The pleasant tone of his voice coaxed me to look him in the eye. I had avoided looking him in the eye because I was scared of what I might find there, but they looked normal, reassuring, persisting. “There will be someone around to collect him in a minute, and Hanji is a licensed doctor so he will be taken care of, but right now we need to get out of here before somebody sees us. The Legion might be influential, but when you have a dozen witnesses to contradict you, there's only so much that can be done." 

 I felt my heartbeat slow down and my breathing turn back to normal as I let myself be soothed by his reassuring presence, but it did not change my mind.

 “I don’t care. I’m not leaving him here alone on the street. You can go. This is my responsibility after all.”

 He let go of my arm slowly, glancing down at Jean lying on the ground. The rain pattered on a gutter on the roof of the building somewhere above us. “What a brat you are,” he told me when he turned his gaze upon me again. It didn’t feel like an insult. He went nowhere, of course.

 It really did not take long before a pair of headlights appeared at the end of the street and invaded the darkness with their glaring light. Levi and I backed up against the wall as it came rolling to a stop next to us. Out jumped a woman with glasses that I remembered meeting at the Legion’s headquarters. Hanji her name was.

 “Good evening,” she greeted us cheerily.

 “Hurry the fuck up and get to it, Hanji,” Levi snarled, clearly out of patience with this whole ordeal. “Sure thing, grumpy-gills.” She went over to Jean and did a quick survey of him, much like how Levi had done. Next she was shouting back to the car, “Auruo, Erd, give me a hand here.”

 Two men clad in black promptly stepped out of the car to help her pick up Jean’s listless body, placing it in the backseat.

 “What will happen to him?” I asked no one in particular.

 Since the question was not directed at anyone, I got no answer.

 The two men got back inside the car. Hanji turned around to Levi and I. “Erwin said for you to come with us. We’ve got some work to do now that we finally have him.”

 Levi put his arms across his chest. “You can tell him that I won’t be able to do that. I’ve got something to take care of.”

 I was standing a little behind Levi, slightly to the left, watching their exchange intently. A pair of curious eyes darted to me, rested there only for a brief moment, then they flitted back to Levi.

 “Some _one_ , I think you mean.”

 Levi was quiet for moment. I saw him clench his jaw. “Erwin was the one who assigned him to me. I’m just doing my job,” he said, tone stringent

 Hanji held her hands up as if in defence. She was already returning to the car. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Levi. I’ll see you in the morning.”

 The door was closed behind her softly. I watched as the car backed out of the street, carrying Jean away with strangers that considered his only value to be instrumental.

 Levi turned to me. I could see that he had made an effort to compose himself but in his features I found traces of what he wanted to hide.

 “Let’s go.”

 With a hand on my shoulder he steered me down the narrow street. We walked in silence for a while until my curiosity got the better of me. “What were you doing here?”

 He glanced up at me, raising an eyebrow. “My job? You do know that I’m supposed to keep an eye on you, right?”

 “Oh, right. So you followed me?”

 “Of course I followed you, dipshit. Honestly, you can be so dense…”

 Upon turning the corner, the harbour came into view. The black masses were turning fitfully, unable to settle down for the night. The rain was poking at its surface, discouraging it from falling asleep. The sight of it was unnerving.

 I became aware of the pain in my knuckles; my fists were throbbing with it. We were walking along the waterfront when he said, quietly. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

 “I feel awful,” was what I answered.

 We finally reached his car and I felt as I had done many times when shut inside that steel cocoon; safe, sheltered.

 During the ride to his flat I found myself shaking. I tensed up and clenched my hands together to stop it, but I only succeeded in making it less obvious.

 “What’s going to happen to Jean?”

 “They’re bringing him to headquarters. I’ll go there tomorrow.”

 That was not an answer. “I’m coming with you.”

 Levi was silent but he didn’t tell me no.  

 I thought Levi hadn’t noticed my trembling, but when I stepped out of the car he came suddenly to my side, cradling my shoulder as he led me up to his door. My brain seemed to be having problems synchronising the movements of my limbs, so I was grateful for the hold he had on me.

 He eased my jacket off my shoulders and hung it up beside his. I muttered a half hearted something about doing it myself, but either he didn’t hear it or he ignored me. When in the light, the state of my hands drew my eyes instantly. Not only were they glaring at me, but they were sticky too. I looked up to find Levi eyeing me. His gaze inevitably descended on my sticky hands, as I was holding them out in front of me, away from me.

 “I’m just…” I gestured to the direction of the bathroom before I fled from his eyes.

 I pushed the bathroom door open with my foot and entered. The warm water became scalding hot as I held my hands under the stream. Not once did I look down to see the water turn red. I furiously scrubbed at my skin until I was sure that the stickiness had gone, all the while staring into the tumultuous eyes of that person glaring back at me in the mirror.

 When I dared to look down, my hands were pink from the vehement scrubbing and the scalding water. It was as if they were brand new. These hands could not have done anything wrong. How could new hands have done anything wrong? Unstained. Innocent.

 Stepping into the living room, I saw Levi sitting on the sofa. He turned to look at me when he heard me coming, and my stomach jolted when his eyes settled on me. You would think that I would be used to him by now; how he looked at me, how attractive he was, but the truth was that I would never get used to Levi. He was not one you could ever get used to.

 I sank down onto the sofa next to him. There was a steaming cup standing on the coffee table. Levi nodded towards it. “I made you some tea.”

 “Oh. Thanks,” I said.

 He glanced down at my hands: he too appeared relieved when he found them to be clean. “Are you all right?” he asked me. I could recognise concern in his expression now.

 After some hesitation I said, “I feel terrible.” I looked down at the hands in my lap, flexing my fingers, feeling the texture of the skin, and making sure there really was nothing left on them. “I did something very wrong.”

 What was this, a confession? I knew I had done something very wrong. Levi knew that I had done something very wrong. Why would saying it aloud make it any better?

  _Voicing it makes it all real. Inescapable_.

 Maybe that was what I needed - to make sure that I never forgot this. My eyes fell on my pink hands again, a moment before they had been stained with my blame. They were a testament to what I had done.

 “I know I shouldn’t have chased after him. It was just that… when I saw him I snapped, and the only thing I could think of was how I wanted to smash his face in… It felt good hurting him... I couldn’t stop. I should have, but I couldn’t. For the life of me – I can’t stop it when it happens…”

 Saying the words made me tired. They were so heavy and laborious in my mouth. I realised that I didn’t have enough strength in me to say all that was on my heart. I shook my head and trailed off, defeated, feeling empty.

 Out of the corner of my eye I could see Levi looking at me. He didn’t say anything.

 Instead he inched closer to me and put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him. My body stiffened, but only briefly, before I let myself melt into his warmth. I put my head on his shoulder and relaxed. A heavy sigh left me. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest. I timed my breathing to his. It was relaxing.

 “I fucked up… again.”

 Levi’s fingers were trailing soothing patterns on my arm. He let out a sigh.

 “Well, brat, you’re not the only fuck-up around here. It’s pretty normal.” His fingers travelled up my arm and onto my shoulder, before brushing lightly over the nape of my neck, making me shiver. “Although, I wouldn’t go as far as calling you normal,” he hummed.

 “I’m not a brat,” I muttered, too distracted by the fingers that were now caressing the skin on the side of my neck to really bother.

 “But you agree that you are not normal?” he asked softly.

 I snorted. “I know for a fact that I’m not normal. There’s something fucking wrong with me.”

 I didn’t intend for it to sound so bitter, but it did. Levi’s fingers halted their ministrations. Next thing I knew, he was withdrawing from me to fix me with a stern look.

 “I wasn’t talking about your anger issues. I was talking about _you,_ your personality. Sure, you have got some problems, but so do we all. The beauty of it is that problems can be solved.”

 “I’m not so sure, Levi,” I murmured, averting my eyes. I knew the forces within me; they were not so easily defeated.

 “I am,” he said with conviction.

 I just couldn’t fathom how he could be so sure, even after he had seen what I was capable of.

 “But… why?”

 He grabbed my hand suddenly. “Look at me,” he ordered, and I immediately obeyed. His dark orbs were fixed on my face as he spoke. “You can do anything if only you set you mind to it. The odds have been against you all the way, Eren, and yet you never give up. You keep fighting for those you care about and what matters to you. You have a determination I have never encountered in anyone before, and I admire you for that.”

 I swallowed, my throat suddenly feeling very dry. My heart was beating painfully as I lost myself in his eyes. He wasn’t just saying this to make me feel better, I saw. There was an unfaltering confidence in his stare and in his words. _How? How can he be so certain?_

He squeezed my hand. “Trust me. I know you can do it. I’ll help you – I told you I would help you. If you come with me tomorrow I will be there right next to you.”

 I felt so fucked up and worthless but somehow he could see past all that. He had seen me at my worst, he had witnessed the side of me that I was most ashamed of and he still didn’t think I was a lost cause.

 That’s when I decided that I would believe him; that I would trust his words, trust his judgement about me. Even though I could not trust myself I could trust him. When I arrived at this conclusion it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I stared at him like he was a revelation. I did not know what to say.

 “I’ve been plenty stupid, though, you have to admit,” was what I ended up with, my voice slightly shaky.

 The seriousness of his face melted away and a smile spread across his face. I couldn’t recall seeing him smile like that before. I treasured genuine smiles, but Levi’s was the most brilliant one I had seen in my entire life, and I felt a pleasant warmth bloom in my chest; and I was smiling too.

 “Yeah, well, you are a stupid brat.”

 Eyes glittering with mischief, Levi’s hand left mine to cradle the back of my head, careful not to touch my wound. He guided me towards him so that our lips could meet.

 We exchanged sweet, sweet kisses whilst his hand carded through the locks on the back of my head. His lips were perfect; soft and hot and wet. My hand closed around his, thumb drawing circles on his skin while our lips moulded.

 It was innocent for a while, until Levi stealthily snaked his tongue in between my parted lips, into the cavern of my mouth. I gasped in surprise at the sudden feeling of the slick wet muscle, before I let my tongue tangle with his. I was soon getting pretty flustered, breath growing heavy, seeing as this was the hottest thing I knew. I tried to prevent it, but tiny whimpers escaped me. Levi swallowed them greedily. The sounds I was making seemed to spur him on and he deepened the kiss, crushing our lips together more persistently.

 We were both breathing heavily by then and I was getting increasingly embarrassed by the pathetic moans that I was unable to retain, but Levi did not seem to mind. Levi’s hand slid from my neck and over onto my cheek. He broke the kiss and drew back a few inches. I used the opportunity to catch my breath.

 His thumb came out to caress my bottom lip as his eyes, hooded and glazed over with lust, scanned over my features; his breath was coming in short puffs on my face. The raw desire in them sent a shiver through me.

 Then he was pushing me down on the sofa and climbing on top of me. His mouth descended to explore the skin beneath my jaw and I craned my neck to give him room. His mouth was hot and wet, and he sucked at the sensitive skin there, making me mewl.

 I felt Levi’s breath fan over the skin of my neck as he let out a low chuckle. “You really do make the sweetest sounds.” He placed his mouth by my ear and whispered, “I can only imagine what you sound like while being fucked.”

 It was like I had just received a kick in the gut that for some reason sent a jolt of arousal through me instead of pain. Suddenly I felt a hand sneaking up underneath my shirt to feel the heat of the skin there. It slid further up over my abdomen, fingers splaying and touching and caressing, whilst his mouth went back to tasting the skin on my neck. He pulled back only to grip the hem of my shirt and tear it off me. His mouth was immediately on me again as he started trailing kisses down my chest.

 He stopped to let his tongue circle a nipple before nibbling at it, causing me to let out a soft cry. “S-shit,” I gasped, not expecting my body to react so strongly. Levi’s hand slid up to let his thumb flick over my other nipple, and I arched my body in pleasure, into Levi’s touch, and he accepted me greedily, hands demanding and mouth eager.

 “Fuck,” he breathed, drawing back to look at me. “You’re perfect.” I groaned in embarrassment, but he bent down in a hurry to capture my mouth in a wet, hungry kiss, devouring the sound now morphed into a breathy whimper.

 By the time I sensed fingers reaching the lining of my jeans, my head was spinning. First they were only ghosting enticingly over the skin there, but in the next moment they were dipping underneath the fabric. My breath hitched in my throat. The deft fingers popped the button of my jeans open and pulled down the zipper in a slow motion.

 Our lips parted and Levi’s gaze met mine with a mischievous smile on his lips. The way he was looking at me, like he wanted to devour me, hardened my already straining erection.

 “You do want me to touch you, right?” he asked me in a sonorous voice. His fingers were skirting the waistband of my briefs teasingly. Biting his lip and waiting for my answer, his eyes flitted over my flushed face, taking it all in.

 “Yeah, please…” I breathed and gave him a confirming nod too, in case he did not understand the language I was trying to use.

 In a swift motion Levi pulled my jeans and boxers off, me lifting my hips to assist him, and then I was lying, completely naked, on Levi’s sofa. I felt the need to cover myself up as his eyes, resembling something like heated tar, dragged all over my naked body, burning my skin. “Shit, do you know how good you look?” Levi’s voice was only a hoarse whisper, hands sliding up my thighs, parting them as he settled in the space between. His hands came to rest at my waist, fingers caressing my skin. His gaze fell on my straining erection.

 He leant down to engage me in an open mouthed filthy kiss that had me moaning wantonly. He reached down to close his hand around my cock. I let out a gasp at the feeling, and my eyes closed for a short second. I felt his mouth leave mine as he sat back on his knees. “Hmm, you’re hard already,” he mused. Opening my eyes, I saw that Levi’s gaze was still glued to my body, while he stroked my cock languidly.

 Then his hand tightened around my erection, giving a firm tug upwards and then swiping his thumb over the sensitive head, spreading the liquid that was dribbling from my slit.

 “Ah, Levi…”

 I grabbed his shoulder tightly, as his hand started working more efficiently on my member. He crashed his lips to mine again, our tongues sloppily entwining whilst his hand was gliding deliciously over my flesh. His mouth moved over to suck at the pulse point underneath my jaw and I moaned shamelessly.

 The heat was radiating off his body, making me feel even hotter. It wasn’t enough, though. I needed to feel him closer. I always needed to feel him closer. He was still fully clothed and that was hardly fair.

 My hands reached up to tug at the edge of his white shirt. He took the hint quickly and stopped his ministrations temporarily to remove it. While he did so, I hurried to fumble with the zipper of his trousers. He laughed at my endeavours. “Are you in a hurry?”

 “Shut up.”

 He swatted my hands away and took care of it himself. Not conscious of holding my breath I watched as he pulled his zipper down at an agonizingly slow pace. When he finally took himself in hand, face scrounging up in gratification, I felt my own cock twitch at the erotic sight.

 I looked up at his finely sculpted torso. Sitting up, I let my hands wander over his toned upper body, marvelling at how smooth his skin was. He was still touching himself as he let me explore him. My lips craved to know what his skin felt like, so I let them caress his chest chastely, leaving kisses here and there while my fingers traced the outline of his ribs.

 I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing anymore, I just went with my instincts and what felt right. I traced a line with my tongue up his neck and placed my mouth there to kiss and suck at the skin. I could feel his hot breath hitting the back of my neck, making my hair stand on end. My gaze slipped down the expanse of his body where his fingers were moving along his erection.

 I was possessed by the need to touch him, but I was hesitant. I looked up at him.

 “Can I touch you?”

 I fancied I saw his pupils dilate even more. He groaned, brows furrowed, and bit his lip, giving me approval by nodding. I moved my hand to join his, carefully taking his cock into my hand. Levi hissed at the contact, letting his hand fall away, content with me taking over. His flesh was hot and hard and I felt myself heating up as I became self-conscious of what I was actually doing… I started moving my hand experimentally, thinking about what I liked when I touched myself. I looked up to ask him if it was all right but the sight of him arrested me; parted lips, breath coming in short huffs, hair ruffled and eyes hooded and heavy on me.

 Desire rippled through me, and securing a hold on the back of his neck, I drew him to me again, our tongues sliding together like our lives depended on it. Levi’s weight was pressing into me, and had me falling back onto the sofa. He quickly shimmied out of his underwear and jeans before settling on top of me again; our naked bodies flush against one another. Levi took our erections in hand, causing us both to hiss at the sensation.

 “F-fuck,” I gasped and Levi swallowed the cry that followed when he tightened his hand around us. My hands were roaming all over his back finally settling on the back of his neck as his mouth descended on mine again to devour every sound of pleasure that I let out, saliva trickling down from the corner of my mouth.

 Levi broke from the kiss to slip a finger inside his mouth. The act was more arousing than I could possibly have imagined. His hand slipped lower, past my cock and behind my balls until it reached my entrance. “Have you ever touched yourself here before?” his breath was hot on my neck. I jumped when I felt his finger touch my hole gently, only skimming it first, then rubbing the wet pad of his finger against it in teasing circles. I let out a tiny sound. “Aah, no, I haven’t,” I admitted, voice completely wrecked. I had never thought about touching myself there before. It was a strange sensation but it wasn’t unpleasant.

 He continued touching my hole with his finger, massaging it, sometimes pressing against it, making me hold my breath in anticipation, but never breaching it, while he trailed kisses down my neck and teased one of my nipples. A searing heat was radiating off his body and feeding the fire that was blazing far down in my stomach. The sensations became almost unbearable. It was too much, and yet it wasn’t.

 “Levi…”

 “Hmm?”

 “Please,” I whispered, “I want you.”

 He lifted his head to look at me. The gaze that he trained on me made it feel like he was lighting my body on fire, and I was writhing underneath it. He lifted himself up until he was hovering above me, lips inches away from mine. His hand closed around my aching cock and gave it a tug, dark eyes darting hungrily across my face as I parted my lips in a moan, hot breath mixing in the space between our mouths. “What did you say, Eren?”

 “Nnh… haah – please, Levi. I need you.”

 His hand tightened around my cock, causing me to cry out and buck up into his touch, and as I did so, he licked a stripe up my neck before stopping to suck at my adam’s apple. “What do you want?” he breathed against my neck, his voice thick with lust and words clearly rushed. He pressed his cock against mine adding to the friction as his hand continued to glide over our slick flesh. “Aah, fuck, tell me what you want.”

 “I… please… I want you – I want you to fuck me. Please, fuck me,” the words fell out of me as everything started to become too much. His hot slick skin against mine, the tightness around my cock, his breath on my neck, his liquid voice in my ear…

 Levi sat up abruptly, eyes scanning hungrily over me as the tip of his tongue darted out to lick at his bottom lip. I felt a flush start to creep up my neck, which was quite sensational considering that I was hot all over. Levi brushed his hair out of his face. “Let’s move this to the bedroom, shall we?”

 He quickly got up from the sofa, grabbed my arm and tugged me to my feet, and then he was leading me through the room. My heart was beating frantically as I thought about what would happen next. Was I ready to do something like this?

 He pushed the door of his bedroom open, revealing the dark space that I had already spent two nights in, albeit alone. When we reached the edge of his bed he pulled me to him in a passionate kiss.

 For some reason every sound issued in this room seemed to be amplified, like the quiet here was somehow louder and more contrasting than elsewhere. I grew nervous in this new setting.

 Levi drew back to peer at me through the darkness, his hand resting on my cheek. “Are you sure you want to do this? We don’t have to, you know,” his voice was soft, reassuring.

 I felt nervous, but there was not a doubt in me that I wanted this – that I wanted him. I had been thinking about this ever since the day we met, although I could never have imagined the feelings that would be involved. “Yeah, I’m sure, Levi. I know I want this.”

 I captured his lips once more, Levi growling into my mouth as his hands slid down to grope my ass. He indulged me when I pushed my tongue into his mouth to explore, tracing the roof of his mouth experimentally. He let me do as I wanted for a little while, but soon he tired of passivity. Placing a hand on my neck and on my waist he pulled me flush against him, our cocks squeezed in between us, as he took control of the kiss, deepening it, before he broke free.

 “All right,” he said breathlessly, I was heaving for breath myself, “but if you want to stop, just tell me whenever, got it?”

 I nodded my consent. “Yes.”

 The next moment saw me pushed onto the bed, Levi crawling on top of me. He leant over to the bedside table to put on a lamp. A warm orange glow washed over us and left the rest of the room in shadow. “I want to see you,” he said, hands gliding from my thighs and up over my abdomen, fingers ghosting over my nipples, “your beautiful body,” he bent down to place kisses on my chest, “your every expression,” he kissed me and bit into my lip, “I want to see it all.”

 The nervousness was melting away with the sound of his voice and the touch of his hands and lips. This was Levi. I would trust him with my life. Funny how it hade come to that.

 He reached over to the bedside table again and retrieved a small bottle of lube and a condom, placing it on the bed next to us. He kissed me again. “I’ll make you feel good, Eren.”

 The sound of my name rolling off his tongue like that, in that sinfully husky voice, sent a shiver through me. Levi sat up, parting my legs so that he could settle in between them. He coated his fingers with a generous amount of lube and made me pull my legs up. I could not help it, but I was trembling slightly. Levi stroked the back of one thigh reassuringly as I felt his finger skim my entrance. “This might feel a bit weird at first, but I’ll go slow – ok? I promise it will feel good.”

 Not trusting my voice just then, I gave him a nod and a smile.

 Again he only touched me lightly there, gently massaging the ring of muscle, adding more pressure as I was starting to respond to it. He had me quivering with anticipation, just waiting for the digit to break through. He slipped the tip of his finger inside, causing me to draw breath, but he pulled it out again and kept massaging the pucker. Again, he slipped the tip of his finger inside me, and this time his mouth descended on my cock as he did so.

 “Ha-aah.”

 My hand flew to my mouth to muffle the moan that was about to erupt from mouth. I felt his tongue gliding on the underside of my dick as he bobbed his head up and down and it felt so so good, and I could feel how his finger slid further inside of me, leaving behind a burning sensation of being stretched, but coupled with the suction on my dick it felt amazing.

 Levi curled his hand around my shaft and wrapped his lips around my head, lavishing it with attention, dipping his tongue into the slit, spreading his saliva and my precum along my length. The finger inside of me was prodding, feeling my walls and sliding back and forth. It didn’t feel all to weird anymore. Levi took me in all the way again, and swallowed around me. That had me tugging at his hair. “Ah! L-Levi, I’m not going to last if you do that.”

 He pulled off of me with an obscene sound and gave me a little smirk. He gave the head a kiss before he pulled his finger out of me. Again he coated his fingers with lube and this time he placed two fingers at my hole, inching them in together. This time it was a bit more uncomfortable, but I clenched my teeth and endured the feeling, hoping that it would pass. He moved them slowly back and forth, scissoring them to stretch me wider.

 I was starting to enjoy the feeling of his fingers and without being aware of it I started moving my hips along with them whilst biting my lip, tiny whimpering noises escaping me anyway. Levi glanced up at me, eyes leaving the place where his fingers disappeared into me to look at my face. He slid his other hand up my thigh, caressing it as he worked his fingers faster. “Do you like it?”

 “Mhm… feels good.”

 He attached his mouth to the side of my thigh, giving it a kiss, tongue darting out to taste the skin. Just then his fingers brushed against something that sent a jolt of immense pleasure travelling along the length of my spine and then went straight down into my groin. My mouth opened in a soundless cry as my body arched with pleasure.

 “Right there, huh?” Eyes glinting, Levi angled his fingers so that he could grind them against that spot. When the first shock from the sensation passed I was moaning and whimpering as he continued to push against that wonderful place.

 “Oh, my god…” I choked out, head lolling to the side, eyes shut as I let myself feel the amazing sensation spread throughout my body.

 When he pulled his fingers from me I whimpered at the sudden loss. I opened my eyes to see him tearing the condom wrapper. “Hang on,” he said.

 My cock was lying on my stomach, hot and heavy, dribbling precum on my stomach. I reached down to touch it while I watched Levi roll the condom on his length. It was an angry red, head shiny with precum and standing proud. It crossed through my mind then that I really wanted to taste it, but I guessed that was for another time.

 Levi’s gaze fell on me pleasuring myself, gliding from my leaking cock and up my body until it locked on mine. By the intensity of his gaze it felt like I was unravelling.

 He fell over me, covering my body with his as he crashed our lips together in a desperate, sloppy kiss. I felt the tip of his erection at my entrance and a shiver went through me. I could feel my hole quivering with anticipation. I wanted to be filled up again, but I didn’t doubt that his dick would hurt worse than what those two fingers had done.

 “I’m going to fuck you so good,” he rasped into my ear.

 Sitting up, he grabbed the bottle of lube and coated his length thoroughly with the substance. He gave it a few pumps, his eyes sliding shut in pleasure. He settled back over me and my hands shot up to hold him at the back of his neck as I felt his length press more insistently against my hole. He sucked on my pulse point as he pushed the tip of his cock past the tight ring of muscle. It made me wince in pain. “Just relax.” He let out a shaky breath on my neck as he continued to slide into me.

 Moving his hands soothingly up my thighs and sides, he entered me ever so slowly.

 When he was fully sheathed he let out a groan.

 “Are you okay?” He raised his head from the crook of my neck to peer down at me.

 Looking at him in that moment sent a rush of arousal to my groin. His irises were nearly swallowed up by hungry pupils; eyebrows were trembling over heavy lids. He was biting his lip now as he looked down at me.

 It hurt, obviously. His cock was much bigger than his fingers and it stretched me even wider. But I felt full. I felt really full. And if anything, I loved that feeling. I had wanted Levi to open me up and fill me for a long long time. The feeling of his length throbbing in me satiated a carnal desire I did not know that I had had.

 “Yeah. I’m fine.” He leant down and kissed me. Although his eyes were glazed over with desire I saw that he was worried. “Really, ah, you can move.”

 I pulled him down to me in another kiss, wanting to feel something other than the burning feeling of pain where we were joined. Levi closed his hand around my cock and gave it a few pumps, taking me by surprise.

 Then he started moving. Slowly at first; sliding out almost to the tip, before sinking in to the hilt, pressing himself as close to me as possible. It was something so incredibly satisfying about that. He set a slow sensual rhythm, where I could feel every inch of him moving in me acutely. It was when the burning sensation waned that I could fully appreciate the feeling of being filled. It was starting to feel good, so good that I was beginning to make these keening noises I couldn’t keep in.

 Levi draped himself over me, continuing his steady thrusting. He licked and sucked at my neck; the ragged breath that crashed with my skin was a telltale sign of how affected he was. “Ah, you feel amazing, Eren.” He kissed his way up to my ear, sucking on a sensitive spot that had me shivering and moaning. ”So nice and tight,” hot, moist breath on my ear. He pulled himself out almost completely before he buried himself as deep as he could go. Then he rolled his hips, his cock brushing against that spot within me that he had found with his fingers earlier, causing me to cry out.

 I felt his tongue enter my ear. He nibbled at the lobe as he continued his, now almost agonizingly slow, thrusting.

 “Do you know how long I have wanted to do this to you?”

 It was so hot. It was slick skin on slick skin; his hands were holding me as he fucked into me. At a particularly hard thrust he made me cry out and beg him for more. “Nnh, fuck! Harder, haah… Levi… harder.”

 “Jesus fuck,” he hissed, biting down on my ear as he complied with my wish, sitting up and suddenly ramming himself into me.

 It didn’t take long for him to find that spot again. When I cried out in ecstasy he angled his hips so that he could hit it every time. He was gripping me so tightly at the back of my knees that I was sure that I would have bruises afterwards.

 By then I was sobbing in pleasure and my cock was hanging heavy between my legs, leaking precum onto my stomach, begging for attention. I could feel my orgasm fast approaching, and by Levi’s increasingly erratic thrusts I could tell he was close too. “Fuck,” he growled, ramming into that spot again, making me clench around him.

 “Feels so good,” I mewled, taking my dripping cock in hand and jerked off in time with his thrusts, shuddering and gasping at the onslaught of pleasure. “Levi, I-I’m close.”

 Dark eyes swallowed me up. Slapping my hand away, he started pumping my dick. He fell over me, hand still working my cock furiously, and brought our mouths together in a kiss, all tongue and saliva, a hot kiss of the filthiest kind. “Then come,” he breathed against my lips.

 It was another thrust into that bundle of nerves, and the wonderful technique of his hand, that had me spilling out between our stomachs. Levi coaxed out every last drop from me as he continued to pound into my ass, chasing his own orgasm, and I felt like I would die from sensory overload.

 “Shit!” Levi hissed, burying himself deep inside me before he stilled. I could feel him pulse within me as he released, the sensation making me moan. He let out a low groan as he rode it out, bucking slowly into my abused hole as he let it milk him of all he had.

 I made a face when he pulled out of me, the sudden feeling of emptiness not very welcome. I watched him like in a daze as he peeled the condom off, tied it and padded over to a bin by the door to dispose of it. When Levi came back to the bed he sent me an impish smile as he leant down to capture my lips in a soft kiss, a contrast to the ones we had just shared.

 He grabbed a handful of tissues from a box on the nightstand. “You made a mess,” he murmured, wiping the cum off my stomach and from my soft, sensitive cock.

 He threw the tissues away too, before returning to bed, crawling in beside me. I reached out for him, needing to be close, and he took me into his arms. I sought for his mouth, and we engaged in a lazy make out session, before post-coital drowsiness caught up with us. “That was so good, Levi,” I whispered into his neck, too embarrassed to actually look at him while I said it, which was funny, given what we had just done. He hummed low in his throat in acknowledgment. “It was pretty fucking great,” I heard him say, his voice only a murmur.

 It was so warm and safe here with him. 

 Finally I was here, in his arms.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of this is pure smut. Oh my. I hope I did good. 
> 
> Angst and smut - that's a good summary for this chapter. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading <3


	16. Chapter 16

 A lick of cold air woke me. Shivering, I pulled the covers up to my chin.

 Wait, why was there a cold breeze? Reluctantly, I opened my eyes to investigate.

 Squinting into the half-light I saw Levi sitting on the windowsill, cigarette in hand, looking out on the rooftops.

 It couldn’t have been more than a few hours since we fell asleep. The darkness had lifted and a lilac sky, perhaps more grey, was silently showing off its modest palette to the creatures who were still awake or had just woken up. Another draft ventured in through the open window, its cold fingers caressing my cheek.

 Levi heard me stirring and turned to look at me, covers tucked beneath my chin. “Sorry,” he said, crushing his cigarette out in the ashtray he had placed on the sill. “I don’t sleep very well,” he explained as he shut the window.

 “Why?”

 “I don’t know. It’s always been like that.”

 I pulled my knees up to my chest, but the action made me wince in pain. “Ah, shit,” I hissed, making wide, disbelieving eyes at Levi. I couldn’t make out his face very well in the poor light, but he sounded too amused for my liking.

 “Sore?”

 I sent him my most dangerous scowl. “Obviously. Don’t be so smug about it, asshole.”

 He snickered. “I beg your pardon.”

 I eased my legs slowly down again.

 “It’ll wear off,” he said, getting to his feet. He had put on a pair of briefs but that was all he was wearing. My eyes slid over his toned body, thinking how much I would like him to come back to bed. “What are you smiling about?”

 “The nice view.”

 He raised a suggestive eyebrow as he neared the bed. “Oh, really?” The low intonation of his voice was thrilling; it caused my heart to skip a beat.

 “Yeah, the sky is beautiful,” I said innocently.

 “You cheeky little shit.”

 He crawled onto the bed and pulled me to him. He tasted of cigarettes.

 “How long have you been awake?” I asked him while his fingers drew patterns on my naked back. I was feeling drowsy, but Levi was clearly not going back to sleep.

 “Two hours or so.”

 “Hmm, do you want to get up?”

 “You don’t have to. Just go back to sleep. I’m used to this.”

 I leant in to kiss him. “No, I want to get up. What time is it?”

 “A few minutes past five, I think.” He said, laughing when I let out a pained groan. “Actually, if we get up now, there’s something I’d like to show you.”

 The sour expression vanished from my face. “What?”

 He crawled out of bed but didn’t answer me. Confused, I watched him leave the room. It was so warm and comfortable here in his bed, and my ass was really sore. I didn’t know if I could get up even if I wanted to.

 Levi came back and threw a pile of clothes at me – my clothes, I realised, which had been discarded in the living room the night before. Levi had already put on a pair of trousers and was getting a fresh shirt from his dresser. “Hurry up, or we’ll miss it,” he said, throwing a glance out on the quickly purpling sky.

 I sat up. The pain wasn’t that bad really, not when the initial shock of it had worn off. I was more worried about the fact that I was attempting to get out of bed at five in the morning. Regardless, it still took me a while longer to pull on my pants than usual. “What exactly are we trying to catch?”

 Levi sent me a dark look. “Don’t make me say it,” he threatened, before turning around and promptly leaving the room again.

 “Hey – Levi! What – “

 I followed him as fast as I could out into the hallway. He was already pulling on his jacket. I was at a complete loss.

 “The sunrise – the fucking sunrise, you shitstain, and we’re going to miss it if you don’t hurry the fuck up,” he snapped, scowling at me, daring me to say anything.

 It was impossible not to laugh.

 “I would never have pegged you as a romantic, Levi.”

 “Shut the fuck up, or we’re not taking the car,” he threatened, pointing his keys at me.

 That shut me up, but there was no way I could stop grinning.

 He drove us down to the waterfront. We walked a little distance, me trying to keep up with him to the best of my abilities, until we reached the spot he was aiming for. It was close to this old gallery that lay by the waterfront. It was a rather popular spot during the day, but at half past five in the morning it was completely deserted.

 Levi grabbed my hand and led me towards the water, to the steps that were put into the stone structure of the quay.

 It was early May but it was still a chill in the air. The early hour and the fact that we were sitting by the harbour side did not remedy this. A bitter wind was harassing us while we waited for the sun to appear from behind the hills in the distance.

 “You told me about this,” I said, leaning into him to steal some of his warmth. “I remember picturing it so vividly.” I closed my eyes and recalled the image that had been painted in my mind some time ago, when we had been sitting by gleaming tracks in the moonlight. My hands were cold so I put them inside my jacket pockets. Levi didn’t say anything.

 We sat in silence for a while. The sound of the grey water shifting its masses around was soothing, and my eyelids started to droop. If it hadn’t been for the cold wind it would have been perfect.

 “Hey,” Levi nudged me, “Look.”

 I opened my eyes to see the sun peeking up from behind the hills. The rays it sent transformed the grey water into a beautiful glittering substance. I had never taken the time to see the sunrise before and now I was sitting here with Levi, watching it all unfold.

 “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

 “Yeah.”

 “It reminds me that no matter how bleak things are, they don’t necessarily have to be.”

 I liked the sound of that, but I didn’t know how to respond. I just wanted him to keep talking. The sun felt nice, the sound of the water and the sound of his voice felt nice, this moment in time was perfect.

 I didn’t want to think about the fact that we were going to the Legion’s headquarters later on where I would be facing the consequences of my actions.

 “What are you going to do once you graduate?” Levi asked me suddenly. The question caught me off guard.

 “Uhm. I don’t know…”

 Levi was gazing out on the water. The sun was reflecting off of his raven hair too.

 What did I want to do? It was too early in the morning for questions like that. Honestly, I wasn’t sure. My final exams were coming up. In a month or so I would be free. But it was a limited freedom, I knew. There really weren’t very many options for me.

 “I was thinking about getting a job somewhere. I don’t have the money to go to college, so it’s really the only thing I can do.” I shrugged.

 I didn’t like thinking about my future. And with everything that had happened recently it seemed surreal to worry about what would be happening in a few months’ time – it was harrowing enough to worry about what would transpire the next morning.

 “Besides, it’s not like I have any special talents or anything. Even if I could go to college I wouldn’t have had a clue about what to study.”

 “I don’t believe that,” Levi said softly, turning his perspicacious eye on me. “You should study literature,” he suggested. My stomach did a somersault.

 “Maybe,” I said.

 His eyes weren’t letting go of me. I got the feeling that he was trying to interpret something, to draw some conclusion from just looking at me. I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks and I had to avert my eyes. _Jeez, shouldn’t I be used to this by now?_

 “Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out, brat.”

 He was tugging on my sleeve, making me look at him again. A small smile was playing on his lips. Even though he had dragged me out of bed at five in the morning, even though my ass was sore as fuck, even though he wouldn’t stop calling me a brat, I leant in and kissed him.

 As the sun rose higher in the sky I could feel its warmth slowly seeping into me. The cries of the sea gulls that had only been occasional came at regular intervals now and on the pier opposite two men appeared to unlock a warehouse, before starting to carry out crates they stacked up outside. They worked efficiently and stacked the crates very neatly. The sight was singularly pleasing.

 “I’ll become a seaman,” I said.

 That made Levi laugh. “Have you ever even been on a boat?”

 “No,” I grinned at him, “but I’ll learn.”

 “You know, those guys probably aren’t even ‘seamen’. Most likely they’re smugglers,” he said cynically.

 “Don’t be so judgemental. Smugglers can be good guys too, you know – just look at Davos Seaworth.”

 Levi looked at me, eyebrows knit into a frown. “I have no idea what you are talking about,” he confirmed, completely lost. It was absolutely adorable, but I didn’t tell him that.

 We sat there for a while longer. The wind let up and allowed the sun to warm our bodies properly. Everything about this was so comfortable, but it prompted something within me.

 A question started beating in my chest.  

 All of this – the sun, its reflection on the water, the warmth of Levi’s body next to mine, the moisture left on my lips from when we kissed, the memories of last night that played through my mind – what did it all mean?

 Was I brave enough to ask? Was I strong enough to hear the answer?

 “Levi?” I began, voice more fragile than I thought it would be.

 He made a sound of acknowledgement, staring out on the water, presumably in deep thought. When I didn’t continue he turned his attention to me, brows raised quizzically.

 My stomach contracted painfully as a simmering nervousness trickled through my veins. I had had valid causes of being fearful before, but I’m not sure I’ve ever been as frightened as I was then. He was watching my struggle, waiting for me to speak.

 “I was wondering –,” _oh my god, I feel sick to my stomach,_ “what… is this?”

 I was tempted to close my eyes and shut myself inside the darkness behind my lids, but despite myself I kept my eyes glued to his.

 Levi’s expression changed minutely, eyebrows descended slowly, lips parted slightly, eyes became wary. He glanced away, before letting his eyes return to me once more.

 “I don’t know, Eren. What do you want it to be?” he deflected.

 It ticked me off.

 “I don’t know, Levi. What do _you_ want it to be?” I persisted stubbornly.

 “What _can_ it be, Eren?” he retorted, tone sharp, his brow corrugated and eyes unrelenting. “You forget that we belong to opposing sides.”

 "Yeah, but –”

_But what?_

I didn’t have anything to follow up with, I just stared at him helplessly, hoping that he would deliver me, but that didn’t happen.

 “I don’t know what to tell you. Unless there is some change in our situation this… thing of ours won’t be very easy,” he said. “I’m sorry, I knew this was a bad idea from the very beginning.”

 I couldn’t be mad at him. I had known as much myself. I had figured his reply would be something like that, but that didn’t make it any easier.

 “Yeah,” I muttered. “I knew that too.”

 By then, more and more people were arriving by the harbour side, so we decided it was time to leave. After all, if the wrong people were to see us together it could cause a lot of trouble.

 We bought some coffee at a shop that had just opened and brought it with us. I drank it gratefully, my body in much need of caffeine. When we were back in his car we both knew what our next stop would be.

 “You don’t have to come,” Levi said quietly.

 I shook my head. “No, I need to see him. I need to talk to him. I can’t run away from this.”

 Levi regarded me silently, before he nodded and started the car.

 We drove into the east side of the city, the shadier part. There was the alley I had been beat up in. _Ah, nostalgia._

 We drove penned in a silence that wasn't exactly comfortable. Our conversation from earlier still played through my mind. It was like a clump of dead ice in my stomach. 

 I tried not to think about what might transpire in the following hours, but as I curbed words from participating in my cognition the images in my mind became clearer and thus more brooding. 

 "Shouldn't you blindfold me or something?" I said, as I realised I probably wasn't supposed to know where the Legion was located.

 Levi hesitated long enough for me to realise how brittle I had sounded.  

 "So you like that kind of stuff," he mused as he lowered the speed and turned into a side street. When it became apparent that I wasn't about to respond, he sighed. "I see no point. It's not like you're going to rise up against us or anything."

 'Us'. I didn't like that. 

 Then we were parked in the alley where Levi and I had shared our first kiss. 

 I stepped out, determined to keep myself together although it felt like I was crumbling on the inside. 

 Levi pulled the heavy iron door of the brick building open and waited for me to follow. 

 Once more I found myself traversing that judgemental concrete corridor. God, they were heavy on my shoulders, breathing their chilling breath down my neck. 

 I jumped at the feeling of Levi's fingers on my shoulder. They caressed the nape of my neck gently, their warmth seeping through my skin, melting the tense muscles there. 

 "I know you're worried but you'll be fine," his voice was barely a murmur. 

 I filled my lungs with oxygen and looked into his eyes, strengthened by the conviction I found in them. 

 Finally we reached the door to Erwin’s office. Levi knocked and was surprised when Hanji suddenly appeared in the doorway. 

 "Hanji," Levi and I said in unison, Levi definitely despondently, me with an urgent note. 

 "Hello, you two," she said, and was about to say more but was interrupted by a voice from within the room. 

 "Hanji. Please go check on our visitor." Looking past Hanji's form I saw Erwin sitting by his desk. A sneaking fear trickled down my neck. I had hoped to avoid ever seeing that guy again. 

 "Levi, I would like to talk to you. Eren, you can wait outside." 

 I looked to Levi, dumbfounded, but Levi merely gave a nod and walked past Hanji and into the office. His eyes barely brushed me as he closed the door. 

 Hanji was still standing there next to me. I felt a bit lost. It didn't take long until I felt rather uncomfortable. 

 I had forgotten how intense Hanji could be. She was looking at me with narrowed eyes, studying me closely, like I was a very unique specimen of some kind. 

 "How's Jean?" I asked awkwardly. 

 She gave me a tiny smile, straightening her glasses. “He might not look it, but he's going to be fine," she said reassuringly. “But I’m not going to sugar coat it – Levi got to you just in time. You almost killed him.”

 I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. It wasn’t disgust I found in them – it was pity. Again I felt the heavy weight of the concrete around us on my shoulders. I nodded, indicating that I had heard her.

 “Can I see him? Is he awake?”

 She shook her head. “Erwin wants to talk to you first.”

 “Okay.”

 “Cheer up, Eren. You can’t undo the past, but the present gives you another chance to do good.”

 I stared at her, at a loss for words.

 “When you’re done, come find me in the infirmary.”

  _The infirmary?_

I watched her go down the corridor, turning the corner and disappearing.

 The quiet she left behind her was punishing.

 I slid down the wall, pulling my feet up to my chest as I sat down and waited. I didn’t like this one bit, being alone with my thoughts. The chill of the concrete soaked my clothing, leaving my skin cold and clammy. I bored my eyes into the wall opposite, envying its particles

 I strained my ears to hear anything from the room behind me, but not a sound was issued from within. Maybe they talked very quietly or maybe the walls were incredibly thick.

 At the point where I thought I might finally lose it, the door suddenly opened, startling me from my borderline deranged state. 

 “You can come in.”

 It was Levi. The expression he was wearing was flinty, but I saw it give way for a flicker of surprise as he saw me sitting on the floor. I got to my feet hurriedly.

 His face had turned stony and guarded again as he waited for me to enter. It made me feel uneasy. I hadn’t seen him wear an expression like that since the beginning, before I had gotten to know him better. It did not look like this Levi could laugh and the sight of him jabbed at something inside me.

 I was about to ask him what was wrong when Erwin’s voice sounded again. “Eren, come on in.”

 I entered, Levi following me.

 Once again I found myself in that suffocating room. I approached the desk as I tried to look the man sitting behind it steadily in the eye, endeavouring not to blink, possessed by a ridiculous notion that he would lunge at me at the sign of any weakness.

 “Please, have a seat.”

 Erwin was just as intimidating as I remembered him to be. Something about him unsettled me like no one ever could. Although my knowledge about gang life was paradoxically limited, common sense told me that you didn’t become the leader of one of Shiganshina’s most feared gangs by default.

 Not one to beat about the bush, Erwin got straight to it.

 “I believe you were told to stay away from Jean until we could get a hold of him,” he said, leaning across the desk and folding his hands together on top of it. By then my eyes were watering. Swallowing, I gave him a nod, but kept my mouth shut.

 “You disobeyed my orders.”

 The silence that followed was heavy. I had to break eye contact with him, it was evident that he wanted me to back down. Erwin leant back in his chair as he eyed me leisurely.

 “Do you understand that your actions might trigger a war between you and The Titans?”

 At that my blood ran cold. My eyes flicked back to him. “What?”

 “I’m not saying that it is very likely. And if they have any suspicions of you collaborating with us, I believe they will think twice before doing anything drastic. But if they were to declare war on you, I can assure you that we won’t come to your aid.”

 “Fine, I don’t care,” I snapped, relying on my anger towards him to override my fear. “What did Jean say? What does he know?”

 I could hear Levi shifting somewhere behind me. I knew what he would tell me if he could, but I was just not in the mood to sit there listening to everything that self-important shit felt like telling me. And I was sure he was the reason why Levi had suddenly transformed into his old self.

 I saw Erwin’s jaw clench as he narrowed his eyes at me. He let me off, however, with an ominous stare, apparently not considering my rudeness worth addressing.

 “He’s been working with The Titans,” he divulged. “Selling drugs and stolen goods. It appears that he has no knowledge of their ulterior motives, which I am inclined to believe, as there would have been no need for them to let him in on their plans. The boy has merely been an ignorant piece in their game of chess, one of many pieces, I should think. He has never been in contact with the tops so there is really no essential information he can give us.”

 The way he was talking about Jean successfully kindled a fire within me, but I did not give it strength to grow.

 I thought about the waft of cold air that woke me that morning and the ensuing sight of Levi’s figure silhouetted against a timid, lilac sky. The memory calmed me.

 “We’re letting your friend go,” I heard him say and I opened my eyes to look at him. “There is no more information he can disclose to us.”

 “What happens now?”

 “We will wait for The Titans to make the next move – then we can decide what to do. All I require from you hereon out is that you do not do anything unless I explicitly tell you to. If you disregard what I say another time I will not be so lenient. Is that clear?”

 Taking in a shivery breath of air, I bent my stiff neck in a nod, hoping he could see how much I loathed everything about him. “Yes.”

 “Good. And as of today, Levi will not be monitoring you any longer.”

 Erwin did not relent his scrutiny of me. As I looked at him I saw how some quality of his eyes changed. He was watching me for some sort of reaction, I realised. I steeled myself against him and ignored that dull blow I had just received to the stomach.

 I glanced to Levi. He was not looking at me.

 “You can have your little gang. I don’t care what you do as long as you don’t disturb us,” he said with a phlegmatic gesture. “However,” he continued in a threatening baritone, “regardless of this whole affair, if you ever fall into the temptation of associating with The Titans we will interpret that as a direct threat and will not hesitate to take action. Am I making myself clear, Eren?”

 “Crystal.”

 A hundred thoughts and feelings were chaotically swirling about in my head but that was all I said.  

 “Excellent. You can leave.”

 I got out of my chair immediately, my body wound tight like a spring. I had to get out of that claustrophobic room and those menacing eyes.

 Having escaped, the sight of the grey concrete walls was comforting. I heard the door close behind me and turned to look at Levi. I didn’t like the look on his face. It was foreign.

 “Hanji said for us to find her in the infirmary.”

 It was not what I had intended to say.

 He looked away and I saw him take a deep breath. He lowered his stiff shoulders and exhaled. When he faced me again his countenance was much more appealing to me.

 “I’m sorry,” he said. “Let’s go.”

 We turned left at the end of the corridor and we came to an open area with a sofa in one corner and some plants. There was a desk on the other side of the room. The floor was carpeted. It looked like some sort of waiting room or reception room. Given other circumstances I would probably have asked Levi to tell me more about this place, but right now it really was not the first thing on my mind.

 He led me up a flight of stairs. Reaching the top we almost ran right into Hanji. It was like she had this habit of popping up out of nowhere.

 “Oh, there you are! I was just about to come looking for you.” She smiled as I coaxed down my heart rate.

 “He’s right through here,” she said, indicating a door on the right. “He’s awake. I have told him that he has visitors. Please, don’t agitate him.”

 The room looked a lot like a regular doctor’s office. There was an examination table, a stand with some instruments on it, a shelf containing more books than was probably advisable, and a messy desk overflowing with documents.

 Hanji went and took a seat at her desk, grabbing a handful of papers. I wondered if she was the Legion’s private physician. I presumed they would be in need of that, someone to pick out the bullet from your shoulder, avoiding the awkward questions that would be asked at the general hospital.

 And there, sitting upright on the examination table, was Jean. He looked exactly like what guilt felt like.

 I stood petrified for a long moment staring at him.

 Thankfully the swelling had gone down somewhat, but his face was still a mess. His left eye was swollen shut and there was a suture over his eyebrow. It was clear that his nose was broken, as a pair of purple wings unfolded beneath his eyes. If the look of one eye could kill I would be very dead by then.

 When Hanji had told me not to excite him I had thought that it really did not depend on me. I had expected him to fly into my face the minute he saw me, but even though he was glowering at me he appeared exceptionally calm.

 “Did you come to finish the job?”

 What I had done to him might be unforgivable, but he had given me every reason to be angry with him. I opened my mouth to say something but was interrupted by Levi’s sharp voice.

 “Pipe down, dipshit. Don’t act like you have no part in this.”

 Levi was reclining on the wall behind me, seemingly relaxed, but the look he was sending Jean was deadly. I saw Jean shrink back. He glanced sullenly at Levi before averting his eye. “So you’ve been working with them all along?” he said, voice subdued, only just daring to glance at Levi once more.

 “No, only when you forced me to.” Although the sight of him was hurting my head, I could feel my old frustration boiling up to the surface. “Besides, you’re one to talk. I hear you’ve become best buddies with The Titans.”

 “It’s not like that,” he mumbled.

 “Do you even know what they actually want? They want to swallow us up, Jean, and use our numbers to crush the Legion!” My voice was rising in pitch.

 “Eren,” Hanji warned me.

 “I don’t know anything about that! They never said anything about that to me!”

 “Okay, so when they came to you and made you that glorious offer you just thought it was out of the kindness of their hearts, is that it?”

 “Of course not, you condescending fuck! Obviously I thought it was strange.”

 “Then why the fuck did you do it then?”

 “Because I needed the money, okay!” he shouted.

 He was clearly worked up, an ugly red painting his face as the hands in his lap clenched into quivering fists. I was taken aback by the awful look he was giving me; his left eye was tearing up.

 “You don’t know what it’s like to have an alcoholic father who can’t keep one fucking job for more than a week, and a mother who is ruined because of him and can’t do shit because she is a nervous wreck. Living there is fucking detrimental.”

 His voice was trembling with anguish; it was painfully tangible. Shameful, I averted my eyes from him.

 “I have a little sister, remember? I don’t want her to be stuck with them forever. I’ve been working my ass off to save up for her college tuition fee, but the wages are lousy and it was just too much work next to school. When The Titans came to me, it was like a godsend.”

 “Do you know how much I earn dealing for The Titans? A _fuckton_ of money. I’m almost there now,” he let out a shaky exhale. It sounded tremendously loud in the paralyzing silence that was left in the wake of his words. He was about to hide his face in his hands, but whimpered pitifully when his fingers touched his tender skin.

 Neck bent in defeat, he continued in a low voice. “All I want is for my sister to have a fair chance. I want her to have a proper education. I don’t want her to be stuck in this hellhole of a town forever.”

 There were the sounds of rustling paper as Hanji pretended to read whatever document she had in her hands. No sound came from Levi. I could only stare into the gleam of a metal instrument lying on the table next to the bed, feeling the searing heat of mortification being plastered onto my face.

 I had always been self-absorbed. Obsessed even, with my own problems.

 Now it had reached a point where it prevented me from recognising the struggles people around me were battling. To Jean I had been a lousy friend. How many others had I neglected while indulging in my self-defeating thoughts?

 “Why didn’t you tell me?” I said lamely, voice muted, ashamed that there was nothing else I could figure to say.  

 “What good would it have done?” Jean scoffed, not looking at me.

 “I don’t know… I could have helped you – somehow.”

 “Don’t be ridiculous, Eren. There was nothing you could have done.” I turned my eye back to him. His shoulders were slumped as he stared at his hands. “I’m sorry for going behind your back, but it was the only way.”

 It was hard to swallow past the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry for beating you up.”

 He raised his head up and trained a glowering eye on me. “You’re fucking mental, Eren. You almost killed me. ”

 “I know – I’m sorry. I’m trying to work on that,” I said sheepishly.

 He shook his head incredulously before giving a sigh. “Anyways, I think I’m done with this. I’ve hated every second of it, and I think it is about time I quit before it gets me killed.” He made a grimace that looked extraordinarily grotesque on his face.

 “Wise choice, kid. Now, if you’re done with all this touchy-feely stuff I’m supposed to drive you two home.”

 Hanji got up from her seat to hand Jean a container filled with pills. “This is for the pain. It is important that you rest a lot. Remember, your skull was almost fractured, so you should take this seriously. Don’t strain yourself. Stay at home for at least a week before you try going to school again.”

 Jean took the medication, thanking her and assuring her that he would do as he was told.

 “I never knew gang members could be so friendly and caring,” he muttered once we were out of the door.

 Levi snorted. “Don’t let her fool you. She’s secretly a sadist.”

 The car ride to Jean’s home was slightly awkward. _Should I sit with him in the back or in the front with Levi as usual?_   I didn’t’ know how to act, and I didn’t want to give Jean the impression that I was familiar with Levi. In the end I got in the back with Jean. When I asked him whether he was in pain, he told me no, but not thanks to me and kept bitching at me the whole ride. It was obvious that he was going to hold a grudge against me for a long time. I couldn’t bring myself to care, I was glad he was still talking to me at all.

 My anger towards him had vanished and it felt very liberating. Forgiveness; it was a balm.

 “You should call Marco,” I said. “He’s been worried sick about you.”

 He sent me a glare. “There was a reason for me showing up at the gig, you know. I came to see Marco.”

 When I looked at him in disbelief, not able to comprehend his stupidity, he flared. ”I’m not saying it was a brilliant move, I just really needed to see him then – it was on impulse! I thought that you might be there but I figured you wouldn’t spot me in the crowd,” he grumbled.

 “Oi,” Levi barked from the front seat, Jean and I both jumping at the sound of his voice. “I thought you weren’t supposed to agitate him, Eren. Just shut up until we get there, you two are doing my head in.”

 We opted for glaring silently at one another instead. I couldn’t help myself, though, whispering, “Anyways, just friggin’ call him, okay? Don’t show up at his door, though – you’ll give him a heart attack looking like that.”

 It was plain to see that he was about to spout something back at me but then something dawned on him in horror. “Fuck, my _family_ is going to have a heart attack.”

______

 When Jean had eventually worked up the courage to get out of the car and enter his house, I got in the passenger seat.

 “I can’t believe it went that well. I thought for sure one of us would end up killing the other.”

 I threw a look at Jean’s house as we pulled away from the curb. It looked just like the other houses in the street. Maybe the lawn was a bit unkempt and the windows could use a wash, but that was normal. Everything about it was normal. You could never guess what happened inside those walls. People were like that, too.

 “I was so blind.”

 We passed by the off licence. We would be at my place in a few minutes.

 “Don’t let it get to you. If people don’t want you to know there’s really not much you can do.”

 “Maybe…” I sighed. “At any rate, I feel much better now. I don’t have to be angry with him anymore. And I’m glad he’s alive…” I shuddered, remembering what Hanji had told me. No, Jean was fine thanks to Levi.

 I glanced over at Levi. I noticed that he was gripping the wheel more tightly than was normal, but his face betrayed no emotion. However, during my time with him I had learnt that that expression was a perfectly manufactured one.

 He had acted strange ever since he had entered Erwin’s office. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I was afraid of what he might answer. I thought about what Erwin had said.

 “… _Levi will not be monitoring you any longer.”_

 The car slowed to a stop next to my house. My pulse quickened.

 “So,” I tried to adopt a cheerful tone, but a slight tremble of anxiety corrupted it, “what are you going to do now?”

 I turned to him, brave smile applied to my lips. He was staring ahead, eyes planted somewhere on the horizon. His lips were a thin line.

 “I’m leaving.”

 I heard the words perfectly well, but they did not make any sense. They rang through my head, growing in size until they loomed ominously over me. These were terrifyingly familiar words.

 “What?”

 The word fell out of my mouth and shattered in my lap. I saw his jaw set as he drew his eyes from the outside and turned his head to meet my stare. Their emptiness alarmed me.

 “Erwin needs me on a job a few towns over.”

 It was during that time in my life that I learnt that no matter how down you feel, there is always a lower echelon that you can step to. First you falter, one foot searchingly dipping down, before it finds you, and you descend.

 The words were still echoing through my mind, evoking old memories. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly feeling very dry.

 “Why you? Why do you have to go?” The rising of my voice compensated for the sinking feeling in my stomach. “What if something happens here?”

 “I’m the best man for the job,” he said curtly.

 For a moment I was at a loss for words. I felt frozen in time as I tried to force my brain to come up with something to say, something that would change the current that was dragging me with it, but my brain stayed stubbornly dull.

 “How long will you be gone for?” I heard myself saying, dully.

 “A week, maybe more,” Levi shrugged, like it was nothing.

 “Do you want to go?” I said then.

 He looked annoyed. “No, but I have to.” His tone was stringent although patient, like he was reasoning with a petulant child. I realised that I was acting like one.

 “Why?” I was repeating myself. “You said you wanted to quit!” Levi was regarding me with a frown, mute.

 My words pulled with them a silence, which they strung up between us. It lasted for so long that I grew scared.

 “I was thinking…” I said, not able to endure the void any longer. I cleared my throat, and took a moment to gather enough strength to say what was on my heart. My gaze crawled out the windshield and settled on the lead roof of a house further down the street. I could feel the line of Levi’s vision burning into the side of my face. “I was thinking that I don’t want to do this anymore – being in a gang, you know. Whatever happens next, I don’t feel like going back. I think I will be fine without it.”

 A short silence, then, he said, warily, “You’re thinking of dissolving the gang?” 

 I nodded. “Yeah – or, at least I don’t feel the need of it anymore. Seeing how much trouble it has spawned I think I would be happy to just let it go.”

 I was fearful of looking him in the eye, but I did it nevertheless. He looked unfeeling, but his frown was too severe to be devoid of emotion.

 “Why don’t you quit?” I persisted. It was repetitive, the desperate plea of an individual that had run out of words.

 Levi was closing his eyes, shaking his head. I felt farther away from him by the minute. His voice was dejected when he told me, “It’s not that simple, Eren. This is the only thing I know.”

 My heart was beating frantically against the cage of my ribs. I was stuck in a whirlwind and I did not have the strength or the skill to escape it.

_“It’s just a check-up. Everything is fine – I’ll be back in the morning.”_

 I had not been old enough to recognise the face of a lying mother.

  _“A week, maybe more.”_

I had heard that before – and it had been a lie.

  _“I’m sorry, I knew this was a bad idea from the very beginning.”_

A static spread throughout my being; filling me up, replacing whatever was growing in there with a peppered whiteness, stoppering a hole in the bottom of my soul.

 Yes, the look on Levi’s face was definitely of one leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, there are a lot of feels in this chapter. And I'm sorry, my mind has been everywhere lately so I hope it doesn't show in my writing.. Ugh, this is so dialogue-heavy I actually feel ill. 
> 
> Again, I know Jean doesn't have a little sister canonically, but I have taken liberties.
> 
> I finished my last exam this week so now I am freee ! Updates will still be once a week or so, though, since I'll be working. Also, my family will complain about me not getting enough sunlight and stuff. 
> 
> Thank you for reading <3 
> 
> For those finished with their exams - Congrats! Enjoy the freedom!  
> For those who aren't - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU SHOULD BE RESTING OR STUDYING  
> For those who don't have any - lucky bastards


	17. Chapter 17

 When I found myself at the gravel pit the sun was already setting. I stood dumb, watching the desolate place, the amber light of the sun lending it a sickly hue; an impressive wound carved into the skin of the Earth – or a gaping mouth, ridden with gum disease; lips spread grotesquely wide as it screamed its agony to the sky, revealing flesh deteriorating and teeth tumbling out of their sockets.

 Subconsciously I ran the tip of my tongue across my teeth.

 Relaxing my hold on the bicycle handle, I drew my eyes from the monstrosity and turned my back on it, pushing my bike next to me as I continued on my solitary way home.

 I had spent the day in the local library. The silence there was intoxicating – I preferred it to the one I found in my house. The silence at home was not silent; it constantly screamed at me.

 The regular ticking of the bicycle wheels spinning accompanied my walk. It was comforting. The last tendrils of the sun’s warmth coiled on the back of my neck as I walked.

 I was thinking about the paper on T.S. Eliot I had been working on all day. Although the library provided me with a bearable silence, I had been struggling with the work. My issue with words had reached a new peak. I would write a sentence, then read it and find that, it did not say what I intended it to.

The author mocked me; “ _That is not what I meant at all, that is not it, at all.”_ and having read that particular line over and over again I sat with unannounced tears in my eyes.

 By the time I got home the sun had disappeared behind the hills. Standing in front of my house I noticed that more tiles had disappeared from our walkway. I wondered when that had happened. A soft, gentle light dusted the rooftops and the lawns and the asphalt that was still warm beneath the soles of my shoes. It was getting warmer now. There was a hint of summer in the air.

 When I got inside I went to pour myself a glass of water – I was absolutely parched. Hungry too, I realised, when my stomach gave an indignant groan. Still, I didn’t feel like making anything. My eyes fell on the kitchen table, the pile of letters I had put there the day before catching my attention. There was a letter from my father in there, but I had not read it yet. I never knew why he preferred letters before a phone call. Perhaps he felt he could better communicate through the written word, or maybe he just didn’t feel comfortable talking to Mikasa or me. I was inclined to believe the latter. 

 I sat down at the table, hands clenched around the cold glass of water. The silence of the place infiltrated my pores, crept through my skin and stirred the pot that was my mind. I closed my eyes in resignation as I allowed it to happen. Shoulders sunken in defeat I let out a heavy breath.

 It had been a week since Levi had left.

 I had not heard a word from him since then. I had debated whether or not to send him a text but whenever I sat down to compose something I always ended up scrapping it and giving up. I just could not find the appropriate words. I assumed he was all right, but there was really no way of knowing. I realised that if something were to happen to him nobody would let me know. And indeed, why should they?

 I could not lie – I had been angry with him.

 Well, to be more accurate, it had been a mix between anger and disappointment.

 Hadn’t Levi been the one to tell me that he wanted to leave the Legion? That the work made him sick? So when I had asked him again, ‘why don’t you quit’, him merely shaking his head like I was some ignorant child, it had inspired the gut wrenching feeling of being left extended in the air, knowing that there was nothing underneath to break your fall. When it finally came to the crunch, he had backed out.

 The first days after his departure that scene had played through my mind innumerable times, the feelings it had invoked roiled inside of me whilst poisonous thoughts coursed through my mind like an insidious mantra.

 At first I had only been able to see that hard, heavy mask of his and had interpreted it for callousness, his uncompromising manner the conduct of one who did not share the intensity or gravity of my feelings. It had been hurtful and lonely seeing that look on his face.

 Then, suddenly, I had become aware of the blinkers that seemed permanently installed in my periphery and I realised that I had done it again; become too caught up in my own misery to recognise all that had been written on his face.

 Yes, it had been the face of one leaving, but it had not been the face of one unfeeling; it had been the face of one not allowing himself to feel.

 Levi didn’t always say very much so it was hard knowing exactly what he felt, but he had shown me countless times that he cared about me. How could I have let myself be fooled by that stony façade he had put up?

 The more I thought about it the more selfish I felt. If I believed myself to be stuck in a rut it was nothing compared to what Levi must be experiencing.

  _“It’s not that simple, Eren. This is the only thing I know.”_

 Indeed it was – I saw that now. Levi had dropped out of school the second year and had done work for the Legion ever since. Seven years experience in organised crime – I’m not so sure that’s something you would want on your resume. If he left he would have to figure out what he wanted to do, pick a new path, start over – a new life.

 A terrifying aspect, no doubt. Was it intimidating enough for him to give up? It had sounded like that.

 It had hurt when he told me that he was leaving… It had been like a punch in the gut, hearing him say those words, those words that I had heard in so many variations over the course of the years, all by people I loved. Why was it that everyone I cared about kept leaving me?

 It had sounded so much like he was giving up on… whatever it was that we had. Even though I believed that Levi cared about me, the shake of his head, and the dejectedness of his voice – it had all been a rejection, a discouragement of feeling. When remembering the talk we had had earlier that same day I became even more convinced.

  _“What_ can _it be, Eren?”_

It had stuck with me throughout the entirety of that day. What, indeed, could it be? Not much when we belonged to opposing sides, as he had pointed out. That was why I had told him what I did.

  _“You’re thinking of dissolving the gang?”_

It was true. I had been playing with the thought for some time – and it wasn’t just because it would make things easier for Levi and I. For a long time the gang had been like a family to me, but it had changed dramatically with the recent developments. From the time it suddenly became big, with all those new members joining out of nowhere, it had felt different. And with everything that had happened from then on it just wasn’t the same anymore. All the trouble it had caused – it wasn’t worth it.

 And I knew that if I were to dissolve it, or leave it, or whatever, I wouldn’t lose my very closest friends – they would still be there. Connie, Sasha, Ymir, Christa, Marco – even Jean. I was certain that they would understand me and stand by me. The more I thought of it, the more certain I became.

 Although I had never intended to become a part of the gang milieu in Shiganshina I had been dragged into it regardless of my wishes. It seemed like the only way for me to escape it was to give in and let the gang go. Maybe then I would be able to get a grip on my life, because it was obvious that that kind of environment was the least healthy for me, with my anger issues.

 I knew what was good for me – I knew _who_ was good for me. The only one who had ever reached me in that other world where I thought nothing but rage and havoc could exist. The only one with the voice, cool as a glacier, who could soothe my fury, soothe my nerves. The only one who spoke with conviction in his voice when he said that he believed in me.

 The one who had left…

 I stared at the water between my palms. I wasn’t thirsty anymore, but I took another sip anyway.

 I did not know what the relationship between Levi and I could be called – especially not now. All I knew was that I liked him. A lot. And I was certain that Levi felt for me too. The time I had got to spend with him had made me so happy. I could not recall having been that happy for a long time. I didn’t need the gang because I felt at home with him. I wanted to be with him.

 That was one of the reasons why I wanted so desperately for him to quit the Legion. Our relationship was impossible due to us belonging to opposing sides. _Like a motherfucking modern day Romeo and Juliet,_ I realised contemptuously. But if he quit and I dissolved the gang – if neither of us belonged to a side, then...

 I sighed in frustration and leant back in my chair.

 First and foremost I wanted him to quit the Legion for himself. He had admitted to being disgusted by the things he had done in the name of the Legion, and that he was tired of it. I wanted him to do something he could be proud of and I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t want him rushing away on some mission because Erwin had commanded him to when he didn’t actually want to go, doing things that kept him up at night, things that made him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. I knew what that felt like. I didn’t want that for anyone, especially not Levi.

 Feeling restless I got up to open a window - the place felt exceptionally stuffy. I looked out on our small, overgrown garden. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to be the one tending to it from now on since Mikasa wasn’t coming back…

Returning to this empty house after those days I had spent at Levi’s was extraordinarily depressing…

 I nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone started buzzing in my pocket. With fumbling fingers I fished it out in a hurry, glancing down at the screen with hopeful eyes. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed when I saw Jean’s name flash across the screen. I tried to sound cheery when I picked up.

 “Hey.”

 “Hi, Eren.” There was a pause. “What’s up?”

 Jean – it was funny how we had gone from being friends, to hating each other to the point where I nearly killed him, and then suddenly being friends again. If somebody had told me a week ago that Jean would be calling me to ask ‘what’s up’ in the foreseeable future, I would have laughed in their face. It still seemed rather absurd.

 Jean had revealed to me the circumstances behind my ambush beneath the bridge. True, he had been the one to ask me to come to headquarters, but he had done the mistake of telling The Titans about our meeting. When they asked him what route I would be taking to get there he had reluctantly told them. He had been waiting at headquarters with the vain hope that I would show up. When it became obvious that I wasn’t coming, his fears had been confirmed. Ha had gone looking for me, he said, but he hadn’t been able to find me anywhere.

 “I’m truly sorry, Eren. I was a terrible friend. I lost sight of you – of everyone,” he had told me a few days earlier, his voice soaked in a pool of remorse, his battered face turned half away in shame. I had lost count over how many times he had apologised over the last week.

 After he had divulged this, I had felt a sudden spark of anger, but strangely enough it had vanished just as soon as it had appeared, like whatever kindling inside of me was damp. The pitiful look on Jean’s face and the genuine regret that could be heard trembling in his voice –perhaps that was what dampened it. In any case, I figured then that we could all use a break from bad past decisions. God knows, I had made plenty myself. So instead of throwing a fit I had told him that I forgave him.

 Jean was much better. His face had retained its normal equestrian features although the bruises were still pretty evident and he had acquired a very prominent scar above his left eyebrow. He told me, very briefly, how his family had freaked when they saw him, his mother nearly dropping to the floor while his father yelled at him like no tomorrow. It was as expected, really. Fortunately he had been able to come up with some fantastic story that evidently explained his sorry state. After having abused his parents at some length, he said, subdued, “They’re fucked up, but they’re good people.”

 “I’m not doing much,” I said. “I’m kind of hungry, but I can’t be bothered making anything.”

Jean snorted. “Want me to pick up a pizza and come over?”

 He had had a weird need of talking lately – and he talked a lot. He literally told me everything that was on his mind, things I didn’t necessarily want to hear, but he told them to me anyway. It was almost as if he was trying to make up for all that time we hadn’t talked during his time with The Titans.

 “Yeah, sure. You better hurry up though, because I think I’m actually about to die from starvation,” I said after my stomach let out another pitiful groan at the emptiness in me.

 “Ah, don’t tempt me like that, Eren.”

 Half an hour later his shitty Volvo 240 was parked in the driveway and he was standing at my door, a massive pizza in his hands, face scrounged up in a grin.

 “Ugh, please Jean, I’ll have nightmares.”

 “Fuck you.”

 By then I had put on some lights in the house, opened a few windows, tidied a bit and put on the TV, so that it at least looked like there was someone human living there.

 We relaxed in front of the TV, watching some stupid sitcom, as we wolfed down the pizza, bickering over which slices we wanted. I found that I liked hanging out with Jean, probably more than I had used to. We had been through very similar things, after all, both having been used by ruthless criminals as a means to an end.

 “How’s Marco?” I asked.

 The minute Jean had texted him to let him know that he was home and that everything was fine, Marco had rushed over to his house. Needless to say, the sight of Jean had been pretty upsetting.

 Jean had to supress a smile at the mentioning of his boyfriend’s name - yes, they were official now.

 “He’s all right. He’s great, actually… I seriously don’t know why he would want to be with me, though…”

 “You and me both,” I scoffed.

 He scowled at me and punched me in the arm. “You’re the rudest motherfucker I know. I bet you’re just jealous because you can’t get any yourself.”

 I could feel my ears burn. Nope, I was not going to tell him anything. Let him just believe whatever he wanted. I saw him narrowing his eyes at me in suspicion.

 “Actually, I was wondering. That guy… Levi? Do you know him well?”

 “No, not really,” I said, avoiding his stare. “Why do you ask?”

 “I don’t know… you just seemed very relaxed around him.”

 “I see.”

 I was searching for a subject to divert his attention from Levi. He continued his scrutiny a while longer before he gave up.

 “Whatever,” he shrugged. “Hey, I haven’t seen you downtown lately. Why’s that?”

 “I’m revising. Finals are next week, you know.”

 “Yes, I know,” he scowled. “But when did you start caring so much about school?”

  _I don’t,_ I was tempted to say. “I never said I didn’t care about school. I just haven’t had the time to focus on it. It’s about time I made an effort.”

 “Hmm, good for you.” He turned his attention to the TV.

 Talking about school and revision made me think of something.

 “Hey, Jean. What are you planning on doing once you graduate?”

 He turned back to me, first with a confused frown on his face, but then he smiled. “I’m going to work, save up for my sister and myself. It’s nothing exciting, but at least Marco’s going to be here. He’s going to college, but he’ll still be living here.”

 I made a sound of acknowledgement as his answer plunged me into thought. I recalled Levi having asked me the very same question a week before.

 “What about yourself?”

  _That’s a very good question._

 Was I just going to stay here in Shiganshina, getting a shitty job in some grocery store? I got this icy feeling in my stomach. This town – it was a confinement. I feared that if I stayed I would never be able to escape its hungry maw. What if I turned really desperate? I might just go back to the gang life, I might even end up giving in to the temptation of collaborating with The Titans, like Jean had done. This town was poisonous. I did not want to stay here.

 “I honestly don’t know,” I confessed.

 Jean nodded sympathetically. “I can see where you are coming from. You’re not the only one, Eren.”

 “I don’t want to stay here, Jean.”

 “Yeah, I know.”

 “But I don’t think I can leave either.”

 Jean shook his head but remained silent. There came a burst of laughter from the TV. I felt more like crying.

_____

 Revision was actually a solace; it served to occupy my mind from the dire thoughts that haunted it. It had been hard to concentrate in the beginning, but once I cleared my head completely and submerged myself in the work it was easier. I focused exclusively on the revision like any other student did at that time, but my motivation was of a whole other kind.

 I didn’t care all too much about my results, because really, what was the point? I didn’t even know what I would do when I finished. It was all just a means for me to distract myself. The vast emptiness that waited for me at the other end scared me.

 Thus, unaware of doing it, I erased that looming emptiness from my mind. In a sense I extracted myself from the past and the future. I sealed myself in the present, normally associated with things like action, decision-making, movement, and by doing this it would, paradoxically enough, lead me nowhere, being interconnected with neither past nor future.

 When I became aware of what I was doing to myself I had a bit of a meltdown. It passed quickly enough, however. Presumably because I accepted it for what it was - the end of a line, of a chapter. When time assembled itself around me again I found that it made no difference. The future remained an adamant void.

 I didn’t want to die, although I wouldn’t mind dying.

 I just wanted to stop existing - 

 to be anything but a sentient being

_\- dust playing in a ray of early sunshine over a cold bedroom floor_

_\- the grey, perhaps purple, sky; blushing at the sun’s ascent_

_\- a soothing hum, erasing old memories, for those who do not sleep well at night._

___________

 Mikasa came to visit. She brought a casserole, assuming that I was unable to feed myself during these stressful days. She was absolutely right.

 “Eren, you don’t look all right. I’m glad that you’ve become more serious about school, but do you actually get any sleep? Are you eating enough?”

 I was happy to let her think that my deterioration was due to finals coming up and nothing else. She on the other hand was rather stressed, barely staying for an hour before she had to rush back to continue her revision. She wasn’t a bad sister for not noticing what I was going through. It was just like Levi had said; if people don’t want you to know then there’s very little you can do.

 I was dozing off on the sofa when an annoying sound woke me. Opening my eyes I saw my phone vibrating on the coffee table. Although I had given up any hope of hearing from Levi by then, I still reached for it with an irregular heartbeat. I was squinting down at the screen, still feeling a bit fuddled from sleep, and then I was sitting bolt upright. It was like everything stopped when I saw who was calling. My hand trembled as I brought the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

 “Hi, it’s me.”

 Levi’s cool voice sent a shiver through me. Heated memories surfaced in an instant. There was a pause. I could hear him breathing on the other end.

 “I didn’t think you would call,” I said, after clearing my throat and wiping a hand across my face to get the sleep off. Perhaps I was dreaming?

 “I wanted to, but I’ve had my hands full.”

 “Oh. Right.”

 There was another pause. This time I refused to say anything.

 “How are things?” he asked, eventually.

 I had left the window open behind me and a breeze came along to ruffle my hair, it was pleasant.

 “Things?” I mused. “Things are fine, I guess. There hasn’t been any problems, if that’ what you’re asking.” I heard him make a sound of acknowledgement.

 “And what about yourself?” he asked then, voice grave but soft like velvet - its quality made my chest hurt in a way that wasn’t strictly painful, and it was frightening. It took me a second to collect myself.

 “I’m fine. I’m just fine.”

 The other end was silent. It was a very loud silence.

 “What about you?” I hurried to say.

 He hesitated. “I’ve had a lot to do.”

 My jaw clenched. “I bet you have.”

 Again he was quiet. The vacuum he left was unbearable.

 “When will you be back?”

 I couldn’t help myself. A part of me didn’t want to ask him that, another desperately needed to know.

 “I’m not sure yet.”

 “Ah. Okay.”

 “I’ve got to go.”

 “Okay.”

 “Bye.”

 “Bye.”

 I sat on the sofa, existing once more in a place where everything was too vast and too empty.

______

 For me, finals week was a lot like walking through hell wearing a hazmat suit. It was sweaty and constraining but all in all I came out unscathed. It was bound to be like that though, when you didn’t actually give two shits about your results.

 Ymir called and said that we were going out celebrating. I really had no choice in the matter.

 “Eren, you’re coming with us. Stop your eternal brooding and just come out for a pint, okay?”

 I glanced at the empty TV-screen. I could see my reflection in it.

 I ended up going with them. I thought it would be better than staying alone at home with that vast black space staring back at me. I secretly hoped that they could somehow drag me out from under the soggy woollen blanket of lethargy that had me swathed so snugly. If they couldn’t, maybe a few beers would help.

 We went to this bar close to the harbour side, only around the corner from where I had watched the sunrise together with Levi… It was pretty lively in there, packed with students celebrating their freedom.

 It turned out to be rather nice escaping the suffocating pocket universe that was my house. Surrounded by people I couldn’t hear my own thoughts nearly as well as I could at home. When Sasha laughed maniacally at something Jean had said, when Christa smiled warmly at Ymir, when Connie got all fired up about some new band playing in town – it all filled the void.

 I realised then that I was the only one who could fill it. It would only stay a void if I allowed it to. I was not alone. Not really.

 Did I truly want to give up on existing like this? Did I really want to become something that was unable to interact with the world?

 A couple of months ago I would have answered with a resolute yes. Now I wasn’t so sure…

 Later on I extricated myself from the company of my friends and escaped outside. I saw a group of people sitting on the cobbled quay. They were talking to each other in soft, delicate voices that belonged to the night. Their conversation seemed so easy, so pleasurable it was almost seducing.

 After turning the corner I found myself standing before a set of steps put into the stone structure of the quay. The sky was a dark blue; the water stole its colour.

 I probably wouldn’t mind dying, I thought, but now that I knew staying wouldn’t be so bad either, I was not so sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren has a lot of thoughts and feelings and is experiencing a form of existential angst, I should say. 
> 
> It's not all triggered by Levi, of course. It's mostly due to Eren having arrived at place in his life where he literally does not know where to go next. 
> 
> The poem Eren is quoting is The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. In many ways I think Prufrock is kind of similar to Eren. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and commenting and leaving kudos - bless all your lovely faces <3


	18. Chapter 18

 The sky looks a lot like a layer of ice today, I thought, tilting my head to peer up at it.

If that were the case, if the sky really were a slab of ice, did that mean we were all living at the bottom of some arctic sea? Thinking about it, it would explain quite a few things. Like, why it seemed so cold down here at times, why we were suffocating, why there was no easy escape.

 The air was thick with humidity, warm and heavy – not easy to breathe. Stagnant with no sign of change yet, but it would rain later on, I could tell.

 Pebbles were digging into the skin of my palms as I rested the weight of my upper body on them. I was sitting on the ground next to the gaping mouth of the gravel pit. Something about the place was very appealing to me and I did not think that it was because I had used to meet Levi regularly here. It was something else that I could not put my finger on.

 I wondered idly whether the person who had been found buried here a few years ago had had anything to do with The Shiganshina Legion or The Titans or some other gang. Maybe I, too, would be buried there one day. Perhaps that was why I was so attracted to it - perhaps my soul sensed a premonition of my death here.

 I lay down on the ground and continued to stare up at the ice above me. Was there really no hope after all? How could I possibly break through that ice? It was exceptionally bright, though, the ice. The sunlight was lurking somewhere above it, attempting to break through, but there were no cracks. In a sudden act of defiance I screwed my eyes shut, refusing to let the sight of it oppress me any longer.

 I can’t let external factors rule my life anymore, I thought, although lacking zest. I was free now. I could do whatever I wanted. Well, truthfully my alternatives were limited, but in theory, Opportunity lay ahead. I just had to be brave enough to step into that vast desert and look for it.

 My stomach was coiled in a knot of anxiety and nerves. Regardless of Levi ever coming back or not, regardless of things working out between us, I would have to sort this out. The prerequisite of a happy life lies not with another person – it lies with you.

 Suddenly - the sound of gravel crunching beneath tires.

 My eyes opened immediately and I sat up, turning my head so fast that a painful twinge ran down my neck. Heartbeat alarmingly fast, I watched as a familiar black car came rolling to a stop only a few metres away.

 The next thing I knew, Levi was getting out of his car; the sound of his car door slamming shut echoed out across the pit.

 I scrambled to get to my feet and felt dizzy when I finally stood, all the blood having rushed to my head. I quickly brushed the dust off my clothes as my eyes landed on the man in front of me.

 He was wearing a pair of black trousers and a white dress shirt. He looked well enough, I concluded, no bandages or injuries evident, but the faint outline of shadows beneath his eyes told the tale of little sleep.

 “Hello,” he greeted me.

 Something tugged at the ball of nerves in my stomach.

 “Hey.”

 My eyes were scanning over his face, his upper body, his arms, his legs – not quite believing that he was actually there, actually standing in front of me. I could feel a pressure start to build behind my eyes.

 Levi was returning my stare with an intensity that I did not think I had seen in him before. It was something so fierce about it, but I was not afraid.

 “How did you know I was here?” I asked, surprised by how calm I sounded because I definitely did not feel very calm.

 “I didn’t. I went to your house first but you weren’t there. I figured coming here was a long shot.”

 “Oh…”

 Just by looking at him again and hearing him speak made my stomach do preposterous somersaults. He had been gone for two weeks.

 My heart was pounding against my ribcage, wanting to escape from its confines, tired of enduring the abuse that I was constantly putting it through. I tried my best to calm myself down.

 “How have you been?” I asked, still amazed by how collected I sounded.

 The air between us was stagnant, but I could almost feel how it fidgeted minutely, itching for either of us to step forward, to break the dam that hindered its flow. Perhaps it was only my imagination, but it seemed even harder to breathe now.

 “I’ve been fine,” he said slowly, without much feeling. “There were a few difficulties, so I had to stay longer than planned.”

 Levi looked tense, but his eyes were unreservedly fixed on mine, like he was afraid of losing sight of me if he let them waver for only one second. There was a shine of determination in them that I was not sure if I should be worried about or not.

 “I see.”

 He was standing too far away. I was tempted to eliminate the distance between us, but my body was frozen in place. There was a short silence. I saw his brow corrugate in a frown.

 “Are you angry with me?” he asked.

 A dull ache in my chest.

 “No.”

 “Are you sure?”

 I was biting the inside of my cheek. I put my hands inside my jacket pockets to hide their trembling. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was feeling, but it was not anger. It was an intimidating concoction of feelings – fear, hope, frustration, confusion, disillusionment, hurt, irritation… It could not be labelled.

 “No.”

 He gave a deep sigh, shoulders sinking down somewhat. For the first time since he had stepped out of that car, he averted his eyes for a brief second, but they returned to me soon after, almost looking regretful that he had allowed them to slip. I assembled my courage and voiced the question that had been burning its way through my chest for two weeks.  

 “Levi - when you left… what you said in the car… was that you giving up on this – on us?”

 A minute of hesitation, of uncertainty, before,

 “It was.”

 “Then why are you here?” I demanded, promptly ignoring the pain that announced itself in my chest. My nails were digging into my palms. I was not sure if I could take this.

 His eyes shone with that same ferocity again.

 “Because I’ve had time to think.”

 My heart lurched and our eyes collided somewhere in the stagnant air between us. I barely managed to utter the next words. I could feel my façade start to crumble.

 “And what did you conclude?”

 I felt a raindrop touch my cheek, only one, then no more.

 Levi took a step towards me, hands at his sides balled into fists, still fixing me in place with the look in his eyes. “That you were right.”

 Something tugged at the ball inside of me again, with more force this time.

 “You _are_ right, and I am sorry – I was a coward.”

 It was spoken unfalteringly, without any hint of hesitation or second thought. Nothing was pulling at his words, nothing was hindering their flow anymore – whatever had been there before, he had freed himself from it.

 I was unable to say anything.

 Another raindrop landed on my cheek.

 Although Levi was facing me with unblinking determination and with words sincere, he looked frustrated with himself. What he said to me was equal parts apology, equal parts reproach of himself.  

 “I’m sorry, Eren. I am so sorry.” He took another step towards me and even though I wanted to, I could not move. “It was cruel of me to leave like that,” he declared. “And it wasn’t just because I was afraid of quitting the Legion, but also… I was afraid of this… of what I’m feeling for you.” He paused, before confessing, “It scared me – it still scares me.”

 Perhaps I should have said something then. Told him that I was scared too, maybe, because there was no use denying it – what I felt for Levi I had never felt for anyone before, and it was indeed terrifying. But I kept silent. It was clear that Levi was not done talking.

 His voice gained the same resolve as before. “But I know that I definitely don’t want to be a part of the Legion any longer. It has been sucking the life out of me. It’s time for me to make a choice that I won’t regret. I want to live a life that I won’t be ashamed of – and you helped me see that.”

“So you’re going to quit?”

 “Yes, I am going to quit.”

 That knot in my stomach – all at once I felt it unravel. Eyes widening I looked at Levi, lips trembling slightly with words that I wanted to say. The air was easier to breathe now, no longer stagnant.

 I had not dared to hope for this.

 When he had left I thought that had been it. I thought that had been him choosing the Legion over me.

 “That’s great, Levi,” I said with a smile, voice a little shaky.

 A breath of wind came along like a spray of water, making me shiver at its vehemence. Levi’s gaze was trained on me, observing me intently. I felt that I had never been so close, yet so far away from him before. I could sense myself slowly disintegrating under his stare, so when another jet of wind-water washed over my face, I closed my eyes to grant them a brief respite.

 “I missed you so much,” I heard myself saying. “I didn’t know that I would miss you that much,” and it was more a thought escaping via my mouth than a sentence consciously formulated.

 The crush of gravel announced his coming. I opened my eyes to see him standing there, right in front of me with a smile on his lips.

 “I missed you too, brat.”

 Levi reached up to place a hand on my cheek. His thumb came out to brush away the moisture there, before guiding my mouth down to his.

 His lips were dry and chapped but I didn’t care. Levi was kissing me, Levi was here and he was kissing me.

 I brought a hand up to caress the short fuzz on the back of his neck, revelling in the feel of it underneath my fingertips. I wanted to touch him all over, make sure he really was there after all. I wrapped my arms around him tightly. It was heaven; it was pure heaven. His scent was in my nose, his taste was on my tongue and his voice still echoed in my ears – he was unmistakably here.

 Once the kiss was broken, Levi was gazing up at me with the same intensity as before, only now with eyes slightly glazed over.

 “I’m sorry, too, Levi,” I whispered, not daring to break the eye contact. “For not being able to understand what you were going through. At first I was… disappointed and angry with you for choosing to stay with the Legion. I couldn’t see why it was so hard for you, but now I do.”

 I bit my lip, unsure how to word the feelings that were coursing through me. I filled my lungs with fresh air before trying. “I mean… I too am at a place in my life where I need to figure out what I’m going to do next…” I halted, unsure how to explain.

  _Analogies. Analogies always work._

“This is like… the end of a chapter in a book with a lot of suspense, say, in a crime novel or something, and it’s really scary to turn the page because you have no idea what’s going to happen next and you fear for the protagonist. That’s kind of what it’s like for us now. We’re sort of reading our own story, I guess, as it continues to evolve and it’s kind of terrifying.” I smiled, nervousness melting away when I saw how Levi’s eyes crinkled when I spoke, his crooked smile growing.

 His hands slid up to the back of my neck and pulled me down to him again. His lips were only an inch or so away from mine, and I could feel the warmth of his breath ghosting over my mouth as he spoke. “So, do you want to read that next chapter with me, then?”

 I nearly forgot how to breathe as we looked at each other.

 “Yeah,” I said, closing the distance and kissing him again. “I’d like that very much.”

 His mouth travelled from my lips to my ear. “Me too,” he whispered and placed a kiss underneath my jaw, the warmth of his breath sending a shiver through me. Being so close to him again, feeling his body pressed up against mine, the warmth of him – it was all rather overwhelming.

 “Could you… drive me home?” I asked weakly.

 Levi drew back, the look in his eyes absolutely thrilling. He looked me over, assessing me, saw the way I was biting my lip, the furtive eyes, felt the hands that were still holding him tremble with need.

 “It would be my pleasure.”

 I reluctantly let him go and he sauntered over to his car, expecting me to follow.

 Looking up, I saw that there were cracks in the ice; the sunlight that had been lying in wait above it was now filtering through them.

 Finally having parked in the driveway at my house, I stood, fumbling with the keys to the door. The hand that was trailing across my back underneath my jacket was extremely distracting.

 The minute we were inside Levi was on me, pushing me into the door and attacking my mouth. I had trouble deciding where to settle my hands, first cradling the back of his neck, then moving down, grabbing his ass and pulling him to me. Levi placed his knee in between my legs, and my breath hitched in my throat at the sudden friction.

 Levi bit into my bottom lip before lavishing it with his tongue. He licked his way into my mouth, both of us moaning once our tongues touched, and I pulled him closer again as he rubbed his knee more insistently against my groin.

 His mouth left mine to trail a path along my jawbone, culminating at my ear where he nibbled at the lobe. “Where’s your voice today?” he whispered, hands sliding down to grab my ass, grinding our crotches together, causing a muffled cry to slip from my mouth. I could hear the smirk in his voice, “There we go.”

 I brought his lips back to mine again, maybe a bit impatiently, never getting enough of the feel of his mouth. He looked amused by that. He replaced the knee that had been pressing into me with his hand, palming me through my jeans. My breath turned ragged between kisses as he continued to fondle me through the fabric, tiny moans escaping my mouth.

 My hands wandered to his shirt, starting to unbutton it. Once I had it pushed off his shoulders Levi didn’t waste a moment before tugging my shirt off too, not one to be outdone. I let out a sigh of immense relief as I felt his naked skin against mine and I was possessed by the urge to kiss him again – kiss him forever.

 Our eyes met, and with only the sound of our breathing negating the heavy silence of the place it was something so intimate, so sensual, that the fear it inspired only made me want to plunge in deeper.

 I took in the sight that he was, pale, perfectly muscled body. My hands were resting on his hips, thumbs fanning out to feel the smooth skin. The tension building between us was exquisite. Levi’s hooded gaze set a fire going in the bottom of my stomach and I never wanted to put it out. My hands slid up his abdomen, fingers ghosting over his nipples. I could feel him shudder from my touch. I let my hands travel over his shoulders, meeting at the back of his neck where they settled. Not able to take it any longer, I pulled him to me in another kiss. It was slower and more passionate than before. We took our time to taste and savour the feel of the other.

 As we kissed Levi continued grind against me, in a maddeningly slow rhythm that had me whimpering in between kisses. Not before long we were both panting. Levi broke the kiss to bury his face in the crook of my neck, groaning as he pressed our crotches together roughly. Feeling his hardness pressing against me made me even hotter.

 “Shit,” he growled, separating himself with an air of immediacy. “Come here.” He pulled me away from the door and into another kiss. Walking backwards, tongue still tangled with mine, he led us to the sofa, onto which he pushed me, before quickly settling in my lap. Again our lips moulded whilst he rubbed his ass into my crotch. My hands fastened on his hips, encouraging him to keep moving.

 Levi’s mouth latched onto my throat, one hand sneaking down to rub me between my legs as the other was pinching and tweaking a nipple between two fingers. I felt jolts of pleasure surge through my body and pool in my groin. “Ha-aah,” I panted, voice catching in my throat as Levi’s tongue flicked against the nub before taking it in between his teeth, giving it a teasing nip.

 “Levi,” I complained breathily. Levi’s hand had disappeared from my hardening member in favour of playing with my nipples. I tightened my hold on his hips as I rolled my groin up into him in desperate need of friction.

 I heard him give a low chuckle and felt his hot breath bloom on a patch of skin that was covered in his saliva. He raised his head to look at me, eyes glimmering in the dark like some predatory animal. Mercifully he returned his hand to the bulge in my trousers, grinding his palm against it deliciously, watching for the keen to slip from my mouth.

 “Do you remember the last time we were here, Eren?” the deep, sonorous voice going straight to my groin. I bit my lip, remembering it all too well. “Right here on this sofa?” He placed his mouth on my throat again, sucking at the skin. “Remember how I touched you?” he whispered, fingers dipping down into my pants as his mouth followed the line of my jaw.

 My head was starting to become fuzzy as the effects of Levi’s expert ministrations overtook me, but I somehow managed to rasp out, “Don’t you mean how you didn’t touch me?”

 Levi stopped his caresses. Dark eyes trained on me, glinting dangerously from behind the strands of his fringe. Suddenly his hand was in my hair, tugging my head back, baring my throat.

 “Are you back-talking?” his tone low and treacherously smooth.

 That look – it was intoxicating. Under it and the wonderful grip on my hair, I could feel my body start to respond. A sublime tremor went through me. It was all, surprisingly enough, turning me on. I found that I was curious to learn exactly what it was playing there in the shadows of Levi’s eyes, and it sent my heartbeat hammering violently against my chest, pumping thick, red blood rich with desire through veins that did not seem nearly strong enough to put up with the constant barrage.

 Levi was watching me closely, taking in my reaction to this new turn. I saw how his expression changed to one of intrigue. I licked my lips nervously. The sound of our breathing was the only thing that existed in this world.

 “What if I am?” I breathed.

 In the dark, I thought I saw the pupils of Levi’s eyes dilate. The hand in my hair tightened, making me crane my neck even more. My breath was uneven in the space between us.  It looked like he was considering something. It was a fine moment on the brink of decision.

 “Hmm…” his hand suddenly slipped into my pants, fingers closing around my cock, making my breath hitch in my throat. “I would have to discipline you, of course.” My cock twitched in his hand and I groaned when he mercifully gave me a firm stroke. His teeth scraped against my neck.

 “But,” he drew back, the smile on his face spreading such a warmth through me I could feel it in my cheeks too. Levi rarely smiled, but he was beautiful when he did. It was something so special too, knowing that I was able to make him smile like that. He loosed the hold he had on my hair. “But,” he continued, “we’ll save that for another day.”

 He leant down and gave me a tender kiss that negated everything that had transpired the moment before and my whole body was tingling. The hand on my cock disappeared, in favour of joining the other one that was gliding sensually up my back, slow and deliberate, learning the texture of my skin by heart, making me arch into him, while he left a trail of hot kisses on my neck. I wasn’t even trying to hold my voice back anymore. 

“You were right, though,” he hummed against my skin. “I did leave too early that day.”

 I wanted to be angry with him when the memory came to mind, but there was no way I could. “That was cruel,” I murmured half-heartedly, hands tightening on his hips as he sucked at my pulse point, my mouth falling open in a tiny moan.  

 “Hmm, maybe so…” He pushed me back against the sofa, leaning in close enough for me to claim his mouth again, his tongue quickly overpowering mine. His teeth sunk into my bottom lip before he withdrew. “But I’ll have you know,” he whispered, hand once again found its way to my cock, “that you weren’t the only one suffering back then.”

 I sighed in relief when he pulled my cock free from my briefs. He wrapped his hand around it, thumb circling the head, dipping into the slit to collect the liquid that had already formed there, weak sounds of pleasure spilling from my lips.

 He sat back, watching me as his hands moved on my dick. The predatory gleam in his eyes; I saw it flash there as he observed me. His voice was muted when he spoke, soft like velvet. “You were just as flustered as now. So eager to be touched…” His fist tightened around me for emphasis, “So willing,” he added, almost musingly. I bit my lip to keep the noises locked inside, but they broke the dam so easily it was pathetic.

 Levi leant in close and put his mouth next to my ear, still sliding his hand carefully on my erection. “You wanted it back then, didn’t you?” he whispered, tongue darting out to trace the shell of my ear, his breath hot, causing a shiver to run down my spine. ”You didn’t even know me back then, but you would have happily let me take you right there wouldn’t you – here on this sofa.”

 I hated to admit it, but he was, when reflecting on it, probably right.

 “I won’t lie, Eren,” the sound of my name rolling off his tongue like that was terribly satisfying. “I almost did. It was so tempting…”

 I groaned, not able to handle the things he was saying to me. “Levi… just – please just – haah – “

 I was cut off by his lips and tongue. When we were separated Levi climbed off my lap.

 “Stand up.”

 His voice was hoarse, thick with lust. I hurried to obey him.

 He reached out and ran his hands down my sides, goose bumps appearing in their wake. His fingers hooked in the fabric of my briefs and started pulling them down together with my trousers. “Let’s get these off.”  

 It was the first time I had stood naked in my living room. It was definitely the first time I had stood naked in my living room with another, half-naked, man.

 “You too,” I mumbled, reaching for the button on his trousers. I pulled the zipper down and began to peel the garment off. I dropped to my knees while doing it, not really thinking about it, it was just easier this way. When his pants were pooling on the floor and I looked up, I was faced with the sight of Levi’s crotch.

 I shot a glance up at him. He held my stare but did not say anything. My heartbeat grew obnoxiously loud as the tension built. My mouth felt dry all of a sudden and I swallowed nervously. I sat down on my knees.

 Tentatively, I let my hands slide up his thighs, my breath quickening when my hands reached the bottom of his briefs. His erection was very evident. I leaned in closer.

 Biting my lip, I palmed him through the fabric and I could hear Levi take in a shaky breath.

 Heart still hammering like mad I leant in and placed a wet kiss on his clothed erection. Levi curled his fingers into my hair. I looked up at him again, as for approval, and the look of want that dripped down upon me told me everything I needed. Putting all bashfulness away, I brought my mouth back to his cock, closing my eyes as I felt the shape of it on my lips, letting my tongue out to wet the fabric as I moved my mouth over him in a series of open mouthed kisses. The hand in my hair tightened and I could hear Levi’s breath growing more laboured. It was maddeningly exciting, and as I felt Levi grow harder under my mouth I felt myself harden too.

 I brought my fingers up to the waistband of his briefs. I looked up in search of his eyes, as I started to pull them down. “I want to taste you,” I whispered, shivering at my own boldness.

 It was too much looking up into Levi’s burning eyes, so I fixed my gaze on what I was doing, subconsciously licking my lips as his cock was revealed.

 I was nearly mewling when it finally stood uncovered. Transfixed, I reached out and wrapped a hand around the hot flesh, smooth like velvet. When I gave it a pump I earned another tug of my hair.

 Leaning in, body thrumming with excitement because of what I was about to do, I stuck my tongue out, giving the head a tentative lick. Hearing Levi hum in approval and encouragement I engaged my tongue again, swiping it over his head, tasting a certain bitterness there. I traced my tongue along his length, mapping every bump and vein as it went, before returning to the head. I planted a kiss on the tip before trailing a line of them up and down the engorged flesh.

 I felt the muscles on Levi’s thigh clench, his hand tugging slightly on my hair.

 “Eren,” he said warningly.

 I sent him an innocent smile, and having gained more courage by then, I licked my lips and finally wrapped them around his head. I took him in slowly, making sure to breathe through my nose. I had never done this before so I was rather nervous, but the intense excitement I felt almost eroded all of it.

 I started to move, my tongue sliding on the underside of his cock as I bobbed my head. I tried to recall what Levi had done when he had given me that glorious blowjob some time ago and hollowed my cheeks as I drew my head back. A quiet moan reached my ears, and a jolt of arousal surged through me. I tightened the hand on his cock and tried to take him in more, tears starting to form in my eyes. I had to pull off when I almost gagged. Levi’s fingers massaged my scalp. “Easy,” he murmured.

 I returned to my task lavishing his head with attention, dipping my tongue into his slit to taste the precum that was collecting there, before I dared to insert him into my mouth again. I moaned around him, finding that I loved the feel of him in my mouth, the weight of his cock on my tongue, the taste of him, the lewd sounds that escaped, the filthiness of the act – it all had me aching and whimpering, my cock hanging heavy between my legs.

 “Touch yourself.”

 It was spoken in a hoarse whisper. Glancing up at Levi, his cock still in my mouth, it felt like his gaze hit me like physical force; it made my cock twitch. Still maintaining eye contact, I placed a chaste kiss on his tip before reaching down to take my own erection in hand. I closed my eyes, a tiny sound of gratification falling from my lips. Eyes closed, I could still feel the intensity of Levi’s gaze burning into me.

 “Does it turn you on, having my cock in your mouth?”

 The sound of his voice made me tremble, his words searing through my stomach as I gave my hardness a few firm pumps. “Yeah,” I moaned, flicking my thumb over the head, feeling how slick it already had become. Levi pushed me gently back towards his crotch and I happily took his dick back into my mouth again, mewling when I felt it slide against my lips and on my tongue. When I had taken as much of him as I could, I swallowed around him.

 “Aah, shit,” he hissed, pulling on my hair. I hollowed my cheeks on the way up and gave his head a hard suck. “Fuck, Eren.”

 This time he pulled me off him. Wiping the spit from my mouth and sitting back on my hunches, I sent him a confused look. His hand came down to cup my cheek, a thumb tracing my bottom lip. In a sort of sexual daze, I curled my tongue around it and brought it into my mouth.

 Levi stared down at me, transfixed, eyes completely blown wide with desire. He groaned at the display I was making, my hand still gliding on his cock as I teased the head of my own.

 “As much as I would like to come down your throat right now, I don’t think we’re done just yet.” He smirked. “Get up.”

 He helped me to my feet. Once I was standing he secured his arms around me and I bent down to capture his lips, slipping my tongue between them to find his. He moaned into the kiss, able to taste himself on my tongue.

 “Bedroom?” he said breathlessly, peering up at me through the darkness. His hands were on my back, pressing me close to him. I could feel his every heartbeat, every draw of breath fluttering against my skin, the caresses of his fingers on my back.

 “Yeah.”

 I took his hand and led him to my bedroom.

 We fell onto the bed in a tangle of limbs, Levi on top of me, exchanging kisses that refused to be broken. Our cocks touched causing us both to moan at the contact. I pressed him into me, cherishing the heat of his skin, the shape of his body, closing my eyes, freezing this moment in time into a perfect memory that I would keep forever.

 “Levi…” I gasped, kissing him feverishly. “Do you know how many times I’ve fantasized about this?”

 “Me fucking you in your bed?”

 “Y-yeah,” I whimpered just as Levi grabbed our cocks and rubbed them together.

 “Hmm, I think I can imagine.”

 His mouth latched onto my neck, teeth biting into the skin as his hand wandered down to my ass. His fingers skirted my entrance. “I don’t suppose you have any lube? Or condoms?”

 Despite what we were doing I felt a flush creep up my neck. “No,” I shook my head.

 “Me neither. I didn’t know that I would be getting this kind of welcome,” he sent me a roguish smile before giving me a soft kiss. “I’m clean,” he assured me, “but if you don’t want to do it without, we won’t.”

 I hesitated for a moment. “No, I want to. And I trust you, I really do . But… what about the lube?”

 “Don’t worry,” he smiled reassuringly. “We’ll improvise.”

 He slid his hand up my chest, stopping to flick his thumb against a hard nipple, before continuing its trek up to my mouth. He presented three fingers to me. “Suck on them,” he said, and I did not miss the edge of authority in his voice or the glint in his eyes. I shuddered and took them in eagerly, swirling my tongue around them, making sure that they were thoroughly covered with saliva. “Good boy,” he breathed, watching me.

 When he thought it good enough he extracted his fingers from my mouth, bringing them down to my ass again. I did my best to relax, knowing from experience how it would make things so much easier. The first finger slid in easily, all the way to the knuckle. The feeling made me gasp, not remembering exactly what it felt like. Once I had gotten used to one finger Levi introduced another, scissoring them to stretch me open. The slight burning sensation soon diminished, allowing me to appreciate the feeling of being stretched.

 Levi covered my body with his, sealing our lips together again as he continued to work his fingers into me. I held him close, whining when he brushed against something inside me. Drawing back between kisses, his eyes drank up every twitch of my lips, every tremble of muscle, eyebrows quivering in pleasure, before connecting his lips to mine once more, tasting the sighs that spilled from my mouth. I had never been so vulnerable as I was with Levi, but I had never been so safe either.

 The third finger hurt a little bit, but Levi was patient and thorough and he did not rush me. Soon I was starting to feel good, moving my hips in time with his fingers. His other hand closed around my dick, making me moan into his mouth. Levi swallowed the sound hungrily, his tongue engaging mine, as his thumb began drawing circles on the head of my cock, coating it with the precum that was dribbling steadily from my slit.

 “Levi… I – I’m ready. Aaah!” My voice rose in pitch when his fingers curled into me, hitting that bundle of nerves dead on. He didn’t relent; grinding his fingers against it. I arched up into him and he held me tightly through the tremors.

 “Aah, fuck! Just, fucking fuck me,” I whined, moving my hips frantically in time with his fingers.

 “I love it when you get desperate, “ he teased, pulling his fingers out of me.

 I sat up quickly, leaning down to take his dick back into my mouth. He hissed in surprise when the slick heat enveloped him. “Jeez, you’re eager…”

 After bobbing my head up and down a few times I pulled off him, using my hand to spread the mixture of precum and saliva on the length of his cock. I gave Levi another firm stroke before he lost his patience, shoving me onto my back and crawling on top of me, a playful smile dancing on his lips while I pulled my legs up and spread them for him.

 Our lips connected in another passionate kiss as he lined himself up in front of my entrance. “Hmm, I don’t think I say it enough, but you’re perfect, Eren.”

  "Come on – get on with it!” I whined impatiently, hands sliding up and down his back, not sure where to settle. He kissed my neck and closed his hand around my dick, stroking it as he began to push himself into me.

 “Haa… ah..” I keened, overwhelmed by the intense feeling of his naked flesh entering me. When he was fully inside I let out a sigh of contentment, a shiver running through me at the feeling of fullness.

 “You okay?” Levi asked between laboured breaths, staring down at me with concern. It took me a moment to catch my breath and relax as I let my body adjust to the feeling of being filled.

 “Yeah, I’m fine.” Levi gave an experimental roll of his hips, the tip of his dick brushing against that wonderful place again. “Ah.. _yes_. You’re so deep… Shit, it feels good…” I whispered, completely dazed.

 Levi started thrusting, setting an even pace, his hands maintaining a bruising grip on my thighs. It felt amazing, even better than the first time. And the fact that he wasn’t wearing a condom this time around was insanely hot; without I could feel him even closer to me, no layer separating our bodies.

 His mouth descended on my chest as he continued to thrust into me, sucking and nibbling on a nipple. Levi slid a hand up under my back and pushed me up, making me arch my back so it was easier for him to lavish my chest with attention.

 “Levi…” I moaned, in a haze of pleasure, giving myself completely up to him. “Don’t stop… please, don’t stop.”

 A sudden overwhelming feeling was welling up inside of me. It had me wrapping my arms around him tighter, pressing him to me as close as physically possible, and suddenly I was pulled into his lap, bouncing on his cock.

 “Oh my god,” I choked out, feeling him go in even deeper than before at this angle.

 Levi moaned at the shift, too. “Fuck… Eren.”

 We clung to each other, me resting my head on his shoulder, Levi mirroring me. I was moving my hips, meeting Levi’s thrusts, moans rising in pitch when he hit that spot time and time again. I was nearly sobbing in pleasure by then. I didn’t even know what was tumbling out of my mouth anymore.

 “Don’t leave… please, don’t leave me again…”

 The arms around my back tightened their hold immediately, almost painfully. A hand on the back of my neck coaxed me to look at him. My heart pounded noisily in my ears, my chest ached with it, as I locked eyes with Levi. The hands I had secured around him trembled weakly as I saw what was written in his eyes and on his face, written in the hands that held me, in the heart that was beating in tandem with mine – my heart finally beating like a human heart should.

 “I’m not going anywhere, Eren,” he promised, sealing it with a kiss.

______

 Thankfully my bed was big enough for the two of us side by side. After having cleaned up we tumbled right back into bed. I lay with my head on Levi’s chest, an arm slung around his waist. It wasn’t very late, but it was getting darker outside.

 “I’m so happy that you’re here, Levi.”

 It was nothing more than a murmur. My fingers were trailing patterns on his chest as I spoke. My eyelids were so heavy and I had very little energy left. Levi’s hand was carding through my hair soothingly.

 “Me too, brat.”

 I closed my eyes, almost falling asleep when a thought suddenly announced itself in my head.

 “Does this mean that we’re together now?”

 I tilted my head to look up at him. I probably would have felt nervous if I hadn’t been so tired. His fingers continued to massage my scalp attentively. His hair was disarrayed and he looked sleepy too. I felt his chest rise and fall as he took in a breath.

 “If you want to, then yes.” The lazy smile he sent me made my heart stutter. I couldn’t help but squeeze him tightly. I crawled up so that I could kiss him.

 After that I thought I fell asleep, possibly only for a few minutes.

 “Hey, Eren.”

 His quiet voice brought me back from the sleepy depths.

 “Hmm?”

 He was quiet. I almost fell asleep again.

 “Did you figure out what you wanted to do from now on? I mean, with you finishing school and everything.”

 An unpleasant feeling appeared in my stomach. I breathed in the scent of Levi and tried to supress the bad feeling. Why would he bring that up now?

 “No,” I muttered.

 He was silent again, but I did not think that he had gone to sleep. I could hear it in his voice that he was fully awake. I didn’t drift back to sleep this time, his question having unnerved me.

 “I was thinking… “ He said then, voice a comfortable hum. “When I was away I had a lot of time to think. I drove over to Trost. I met some old friends of mine there… I hadn’t seen them since high school.”

 I gave a sound of acknowledgement so that he knew I was listening.

 “Anyways, they are renting out their old flat and they said I could have it a little bit cheaper.”

 My eyes shot up and I turned my head to look up at him. Levi met my confused gaze.

 “If I take it, will you come with me?”

 All traces of sleepiness left my body in an instant.

 “Are you serious right now?” I whispered.

 “I’m dead serious, Eren.”

 Move to Trost – move to Trost with Levi.

 A car drove past the house, a sliver of light found its way in through the gaps in the blinds, filtering onto his face for a short moment before disappearing.

 The thought sent a pleasant warmth throughout my being as I imagined waking up and going to bed with Levi every day and every night at our very own place.

 “Shiganshina is not good for me – and I know it’s not good for you either.” His hand searched for mine, entwining our fingers. “If you’re thinking about getting a job, you can get one in Trost. We don’t need to stay here.”

  _We._ Levi and I had become a _we -_ and he was asking me to move in with him. 

 “I – I… yeah, I guess you’re right…”

 I let his suggestion sink in. He was right. I had been thinking about getting a job, not sure if I would be able to get the money to go to college. Why would I choose to stay here in Shiganshina and be miserable when I could go to Trost and live with Levi? The more I thought about it the more _right_ it felt. Sure, I had only known Levi for, what, three months or so, but…

 I… I liked Levi so much it hurt. And I knew what it felt like being without him...

 Wasn’t there another word for that kind of affection?

 “I hear the college in Trost is really good too. You may not afford it now, but you can save up for it. And you can apply for government funding and other scholarships and grants as well. Come on, Eren,” he murmured, burying his nose in my hair and squeezing my hand. “Come with me. Let’s start over someplace else – let’s start that next chapter together.”

 I couldn’t help but laugh. “Wow, it sounds just as cheesy as I feared.”

 Levi chuckled. “It sure does.”

 I placed our hands on his chest where I could see them. His thumb stroked the skin on the back of my hand. I looked back at him again.

 Levi’s gaze had been glued on me for the entirety of that evening, like he was afraid that I would disappear if he lost sight of me for one moment. My heart leapt at the realisation. The moment was delicate, like a butterfly.

 He pushed me gently onto my back before covering my body with his. He locked his eyes with mine and if he had offered me the key I would have thrown it away. He leant down to capture my lips in a slow, tender kiss. “What do you say?” he whispered.

 I reached my hands up to slide them around his neck, bringing him back down to me, kissing him again and again until we both ran out of breath.

 “Yeah,” I breathed. “Of course I’ll come with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I did it again. Someone stop me, this is getting out of hand. 
> 
> This chapter is crazy long, I hope that's all right. 
> 
> I'm starting to work tomorrow morning so I'm not exactly sure when the next chapter will be out but I'll do my best to update a week or so from now. 
> 
> We're nearing the end, though! I have at least two more chapters planned out, but we'll have to see if that will be enough to wrap things up. 
> 
> Gods, this chapter is a disaster of smut and cheesiness - haha!
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


	19. Chapter 19

 Waking up was blissful. I felt warm and snug; a tingling feeling of lightness permeating everything that was me. It was a little bit like when you lie in the sunshine, eyes closed, and you just enjoy the warmth of the sun. Eyes, still closed, you can detect the light from behind your lids, but you sense it more than see it, and it is a comforting feeling, because you know that when you open your eyes, that bright light will be there to greet you.

 My body was pressed into Levi’s. The warmth of his skin was seeping into mine – it was like we had melted into each other during the night. The arm I had put around him before I fell asleep was still in the exact same position. My fingers were splayed on his naked stomach, feeling his smooth skin beneath my fingertips. I squeezed him tightly, enjoying this place on the brink of consciousness where everything was warm, sunny and soft.

 Eventually I blinked my eyes open, and the first thing my bleary vision took in was Levi’s muscled back. The sun was filtered into the room through the gaps in the blinds, the rays playing in the locks of Levi’s black hair, making it look like each strand was gilded. Still half asleep, I placed a kiss on his shoulder blade, another landed slightly over it, the next on the nape of his neck. I buried my nose in his hair, inhaling his smell – and the sun shone brilliantly inside of me, lighting up every dark corner, chasing away all the things that were scuttling there.

 In a daze of rapture, I let my hand travel up to his chest, pressing myself even closer to him as I started to shower his neck with kisses.

 I hadn’t intended to wake him, but soon my touches had him stirring. I heard a sigh escape him as he pushed his body back into mine. Turning his head around, he sent me a look that made me melt a little on the inside. His eyes were still heavy with sleep and his hair was a disarrayed mess. He tried to look annoyed, but I could see the soft curve of his mouth, and all the puffiness of sleep could not obscure the gentle look in his eyes.

 “You slept,” I murmured, unable to stop smiling because everything was perfect and Levi looked absolutely adorable waking up.

 “Isn’t that what people do?” he grunted, his voice deeper than normal, gruff from sleep. When he rolled over to face me, it sounded like it was the hardest thing he had ever done, grumbling under his breath as he forced the dead weight of his body to move. His eyes slid shut once his head was secure on the pillow again.

 My eyes ran across his face a million times, every flicker a caress. Levi couldn’t help but feel them. He opened his eyes again to mirror me.

 “Yeah, but you slept through the whole night, Levi,” I said, running my hand up his arm.

 There was a minute change in his expression; eyes widening a fraction, eyebrows arching slightly before knitting together in wonder. “I guess I did.”

 I chuckled, leaning in to kiss him, but a look of disgust replaced his puzzlement. He drew back quickly. “Hell no, Eren. Morning breath – no thanks.”

 I pouted. “Aw, come on, Levi. It’s not that bad, is it?”

 “You can bet your ass it’s that bad. If you’re going to kiss me you better go brush your teeth first, brat.”

 “You’re no fun.” I groused, still pouting.

 His voice dropped an octave as his eyebrows arched. “Oh, really? I do believe we had a lot of fun last night.”

 Levi gave me a mischievous smirk as I felt a hand slide onto my thigh. I cleared my throat, attempting to ignore the hand that was inching closer to my crotch. “If I can’t kiss you, then you can’t touch me.”

 His eyebrows disappeared behind his fringe and he let out a bark of laughter. “Wow, I had nearly forgotten what a brat you are.”

 “Yeah, well, you’re fucking said brat and on top of that you also asked him to move in with you.” I scowled.

 Levi was still snickering when he slid his arm around me and pulled me closer. “I did, didn’t I?” he said, fingers caressing the skin between my shoulder blades. He paused to let our eyes meet in a silence filled with a humming glee, looking at me like he didn’t actually grasp what he was seeing. My heart did a somersault in my chest.

 “Have you told Erwin, yet?”

 “That we’re fucking?” Levi’s eyes crinkled.

 “No,” I glowered at him, trying to be serious but a laugh broke my countenance. “No, you dickhead. That you’re quitting.”

 He gave me a resigned smile, gaze falling on a lock of hair that dipped down into my eyes. “Yeah, I’ve talked to him.” His hand came up to brush the lock away. “He wasn’t happy about it, of course… but he knows he can’t keep me against my will.”

 My hand closed around his, squeezing it firmly. “You’re so brave… I’m proud of you, Levi.”

 He rolled his eyes, ruffling my hair and surprising me with a kiss on the lips.

 “I thought you said you didn’t want to kiss me.”

 His thumb traced my cheekbone. “I never said that,” he murmured, forehead planted against mine.

 We lay like that for a while, not saying anything, each enjoying the presence of the other. With matching breaths and Levi’s fingers trailing soothing patterns on my skin, I grew sleepy again.

 “What time is it?” I mumbled.

 “I don’t give a fuck. Let’s just go back to sleep.”

 I hummed in agreement. “Sounds good to me.”

 I should have known that such perfect bliss could not last forever.

 I didn’t think much about it when I heard a car coming down the street – I hardly registered it. But when that car slowed to a stop right outside the house I was brutally pulled from my peaceful state of mind. My eyes shot open, sending Levi, who had tensed up as well, a look of horror when we heard the sound of a car door slamming shut. The car, however, left the minute after.

 I sat up abruptly, my heart thundering in my chest. “Fuck,” I cursed, the expletive poorly expressing the sheer terror that ran through me. “That’s probably Mikasa.”

 When I heard the sound of keys turning in the lock of the front door I panicked. _“Fuck, fuck, fuck  - ”_

 Jumping out of bed, I looked around me frantically, searching for my clothes. Right then I was very glad that Levi had made me pick up our clothes from the living room floor before we had gone to bed earlier, but my blood ran cold when I remembered that Levi’s car was in the bloody driveway.

 Ultimately there was no way I could talk myself out of this one.

 “Eren?”

 It was Mikasa, all right. She sounded tense.

 “Yes! I’m here!” I shouted, cringing at the shrillness of my voice.

 Levi was sitting upright in bed, sheets pooling around his waist. He watched me pick the discarded clothes up off the floor before I hurriedly started to dress. It was clear that this whole scenario amused him. “Do you think this is funny?” I hissed. “ _You’re_ the one she’s going to skin!”

 Levi was trying but failing miserably to keep a straight face. He ran a hand through his hair, not able to hide his smirk. “Why are you so worked up? It’s just your sister.”

 “ _Just my sister,_ ” I parroted, pulling a crumpled shirt over my head. “You don’t know what she’s like. Besides - ” I muttered, crestfallen when another thought struck me. “I haven’t told her that I…” My voice dwindled. 

 “That you’re gay?”

 I nodded, a terrible feeling rising in me. 

 “She loves you, Eren.” Levi said calmly. “From what you’ve told me about her, she cares about you a lot. She would only want you to be happy.”

 I let his words strengthen me, reassuring me of what I already knew deep down to be true. Mikasa would not judge me because I liked men. That, however, did not mean she would approve of Levi.

 “Eren,” came Mikasa’s voice through the door, and this time around she sounded very much like a strict mother. “Could you come out here for a minute, please.” It wasn’t a question.

 With a last look at Levi I turned and slipped out of the room.

 Mikasa was waiting for me, standing in the middle of the living room, arms crossed, wearing a severe expression.

 “Hey, Mikasa,” I said, giving her a smile that was probably closer to a grimace. “What’s up?”

 “Whose car is that?” she interrogated immediately, indicating her head in the direction of the driveway. She had never been one to beat about the bush.

 My mind was a blank. It was literally just a blank. I looked at her, mouth open to give her an answer, but I had no answer ready. If I hadn’t been completely mortified I might have laughed at how comical it was. Mikasa’s eyes fell on my neck. More specifically, on the marks that Levi had left there. A sudden warmth flushed my face.

 “It’s mine,” came Levi’s voice from behind, making me jump.

 He entered the room like the manifestation of calm. On top of that, he was all pristine looking – how his shirt had no creases was beyond me, and his hair was suddenly perfect.

 He approached us, halting a little ways behind me. His collected composure calmed me down somewhat, but when my eyes turned back to Mikasa, I felt cool horror wash over me again.

 Her face had turned stony at the sight of Levi; her eyes staring daggers at him. Levi on the other hand faced her evenly, no emotion betraying his features whatsoever. I was growing more nervous by the minute.

 “Who are you?” she demanded, tone positively frigid.

 “My name is Levi,” he said, nonplussed by Mikasa’s hostile behaviour. “You must be Eren’s sister – Mikasa.”

 Her eyes narrowed when he spoke my name. She turned her gaze on me, making me shrink back.

 Training her eye on Levi again, she said demonstratively, “Eren, I would like to talk to you in private, if you don’t mind,” before turning on her heel and heading for the back door. I threw a worried look at Levi, but he merely gave me a nod of encouragement. I took in a deep breath and followed my sister.

 Mikasa was waiting for me outside on our small garden patch. It was only about four square metres, enclosed by ramshackle wooden dividers. The grass was at least two inches long, sprouting up between the slate tiles on the ground, the bushes that grew along the dividers could really use a trim, while nettles and other weeds were growing in the flower bed underneath the kitchen window.

 My sister was facing me with her arms crossed.

 “Who the hell is he?”

 “He’s… he’s Levi.”

 She glared. “Yeah, I heard that. But what is he doing here?”

 I hesitated. “He’s a friend.”

 It looked like she was at a loss for words. She closed her eyes and let out a breath, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Where did you meet him?” she asked, sounding exceptionally patient.

 I didn’t answer her because I had no clue what to say. Mikasa tried another tactic.

“That car of his looks awfully nice. I’m surprised someone so young can afford a car like that. What does he do?”

 I was silent. There was nothing I could think of to say. Mikasa had already figured it out anyways. She was narrowing her eyes, growing impatient with my lack of responsiveness.

 “He’s a thug, isn’t he?”

 “No! He’s not a thug… at least… not anymore.”

 “Eren! What the hell are you thinking?! What – why are you getting yourself involved with someone like him?”

 I could feel myself starting to get angry. “You talk as if you know him!”

 “One look at him was enough,” she scoffed.

 “No, you don’t understand, Mikasa. He is _exactly_ who I need to be with!”

 Jaw clenching, she glared at me – and I glared right back. I could tell that she was in the process of putting together some kind of argument that could convince me that Levi was bad news. She heaved a sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose as she attempted to keep her calm.

 “Look, Eren. I don’t care if you like men or women – or both for that matter – but that guy, he doesn’t exactly look like boyfriend material.”

 “Mikasa – stop.”

 Hearing her talk of Levi in that way was grating, even though I could see where she was coming from. If I’d been in her shoes I would probably have reacted the exact same way. That was why I had to make her see that she was wrong. The change in my tone of voice seemed to make an impression on her because she fell silent, looking at me expectantly.

 “I can understand why you’re worried. But please, just listen to me.” I paused and Mikasa confirmed her willingness to hear me out.

 “Mikasa, I’ve never been so happy before in my whole life. There’s always been… something wrong with me – and you know it. On the inside it feels like I’m flayed, torn up, and I’ve always been so angry… It was a fire that never went out. I used to think that I couldn’t control it, but now I feel like I can – and Levi was the one to make me realise that.”

 The hostility vanished from my sister’s face as she listened to me. I was on a roll by then, and the sentences fell out of my mouth, not fully formed or planned out – much like a stream of consciousness. I just let it happen, figuring it was the best way to communicate my feelings, anyways.

 “I never really felt at home anywhere… but with Levi I do. I’m not afraid of myself when I’m with him and I’m not ashamed of myself either. When we’re together I feel… human. I can’t explain it properly… but it feels like I belong here now. The world doesn’t seem so harsh when I’m with him. My own existence always made me feel so sick – for a long time I even dreamt about ceasing to exist, because I was so tired and so nauseous. But now I want to be here. I want to be here with Levi and I want to defeat whatever it is inside of me so that I can live and breathe and belong and _be happy._ It’s all thanks to Levi. I’m not sure I could have realised it without him. I think… I think I love him.”

 As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew them to be true. When I had reached the end, Mikasa’s expression had changed. It was not uncompromising any longer. Instead there was something indecipherable written on it. She looked at me for a long while. I grew uneasy because I could not tell what she was thinking.

 I was even more confused when I saw the tremor of her face, like the canopy of a tree, rustled by a sudden gust of wind. Suddenly she had turned her back to me. A cloud that passed by underneath the sun changed the garden into something completely different, something that made the sound of a dry, hollow thudding resonate within me, like the sound of a throbbing of a wound.

 “This garden got really overgrown, didn’t it?” she said then, her voice thick with emotion.

 She cleared her throat. For one whole minute she stood rigid, before she walked over to the little bench by the wall of the house where she sat down. Her eyes were resting on something that was far away and possibly not even in this world at all. She looked haggard, especially when wearing that distant look on her face and with her shoulders slumped. I approached her hesitantly.

 “Mikasa?” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder when I reached her. She didn’t meet my eyes.

 “I tried my best to tend to it after mum passed away,” she said after a while. Her voice had dropped, like it was loaded with lead. “But it was so hard, Eren. And all alone…” the thought hung heavy in the air, so heavy with despair and loneliness I could feel it soak into the vessels of my heart.

 “I tried my best, Eren. I swear, I did, but it was not good enough.” The words sounded fragile, like they would shatter at any moment, like they did not belong here on the outside. They were creatures drawn from the abysses of Mikasa’s mind, I realised, for the first time brought out into the open.

 “Why did I leave when I knew you couldn’t take care of it? You just let it grow… _why_ did you just let it grow, Eren?”

 It was a physical punch in the gut when she directed her eyes at me. Tears were welling up in them and my heart broke into a million little pieces.

 Sitting down, I wound my arms around her. Never in my whole life had I seen Mikasa so broken down, so fragile. It was awful. She had always been so strong – so much stronger than me, so much braver. Seeing her like this was without doubt one of the worst experiences of my life.

 She buried her head in the crook of my neck, her hands clasped around me.

 “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, Eren. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

 My eyes were bleary with tears by then, they spilled forth and tumbled down my cheek until they reached Mikasa’s raven hair.

 “It’s not your fault, Mikasa,” I murmured. “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry, please don’t cry. Don’t cry for me, please don’t.”

 She sniffled, I sniffled; brother and sister squeezed each other so tightly it hurt.

 In that moment I knew that the hurt we felt was the very same. The pain that I thought I had carried on my own had been transferred to my sister a long time ago. Such intense agony seldom inhabited one body. It was the most contagious of diseases, relentlessly searching for the nearest kin to settle in – perhaps it even grew in size and intensity in the process. I had been selfish to think that I was the only one affected by it - that my mind was the only one festering under its reign.

 We sat in silence until the tears ran out. It was like a ritual. A cleansing. I did not know how long we sat there, but our arms slackened when the last bit of poison had been sucked out of the wound.

 Mikasa’s eyes were red and bloodshot, her cheeks wet from the tears. Most likely I looked exactly like her. When she smiled I had no trouble matching the brilliance of hers. I hugged her again.

 Mikasa gave a throaty chuckle, wiping the tears from her face. When she looked at me next she was pensive.

 “He makes it better then?” she said, voice quiet, with a lining to it, like the trail of tears on her cheek. “He makes you happy?”

 “Yeah,” I smiled. “Yeah, he does. He makes me very happy.”

 She took her time to survey my expression. In the end she could only sigh in defeat.

 “All right,” she nodded. “All right.”

 My smile morphed into a grin. “Are you giving us your blessing?”

 “Don’t push it, Eren. I trust you, but I still don’t like the look of him.”

 I laughed and it was such a free careless laugh it was the sweetest indulgence. “Don’t worry, Mikasa, he’s not as scary as he looks. I swear it’s just an act. Levi’s actually a full blown romantic.”

 I could tell that she had trouble deciding whether I was being ironic or not and I had to supress the next wave of laughter that threatened to roll out of me. The sun was inside of me again, and my shoulders were quivering from the intense glee that was coursing through me. Mikasa stared at me in astonishment, eyes scanning my face like she could not believe what she was seeing.

 The confusion melted away in favour of a beautiful smile; the tears were shining in her eyes again, but they were not filled with sorrow this time.

 “You look very happy, Eren,” she said quietly. “It’s been a while since I saw you smile like that.”

 “It feels good – smiling when you actually mean it.”

 Mikasa nodded, her face turning severe.

 “But… you said he’s not a thug anymore… are you sure?”

 “Of course I’m sure. I was the one to convince him.” I beamed. “And… in turn I’ll have nothing to do with that life anymore either. In fact… Levi asked me to come with him to Trost.”

 “Hang on a second! Eren, that’s way to fast!”

 I scratched at the back of my neck. She was looking at me like I had just grown a second head.  “Okay, relax, Mikasa. We’ve known each other for a while and besides… it will do us both good to get away from here, I think. I’ll get a job in Trost and maybe I’ll apply for college there.” I took her hand and placed it between my palms. She looked paralyzed with shock. “Trost is only a couple of hours away, Mikasa. It’s not like I’m moving to the other side of the earth. You can come visit.”

 It took her some time to digest, but eventually she relaxed. She withdrew her hand from my hold to let it join the one resting in her lap. Closing her eyes, she filled her lungs with air before releasing it slowly. I recognized the trait. She was sorting through her thoughts and emotions, putting them on their respective shelves, organising them so that she could see and think clearly without anything clouding her view. Not only was Mikasa brilliant, she also had an amazing ability for empathy. I had no doubts that she would see what I was seeing. Understand what I was feeling.

 She opened her eyes, turning her gaze upon me once more. She looked calmer now. “Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps you will be happy away from here – with him. I want you to try.” Drying the tears from her face, Mikasa got to her feet. “But, if he ever hurts you, so help me god, I will hunt him down and flay him alive.”

 It was more like a solemn vow than anything else. That was when I decided I would never tell her the circumstances around my acquaintance with Levi, or the details of its development.  

 I stood, giving her a smile. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

 After a brief pause, she said, “Soo, were you planning on introducing him to dad or –? Because, he might be here,” she threw a glance at her watch, “like, any minute now.”

 That wiped the smile right off my face.

_“What?!”_

 Mikasa pursed her lips together, giving me a disapproving look. “Just as I thought – you never read the latest letter, did you?”

 I could remember receiving it. However, reading my father’s letters just so happened to be my least favourite activity.

 “Fuck! No, I didn’t! He’s coming here now – like now??”

 I was freaking out for the second time that day, and it wasn’t even ten in the morning. My heart was picking up its pace again. This could not be good for my health. If anything I would die from a bloody heart attack.

 “His plane landed like an hour ago, so yeah, he’ll be here soon.”

_“Jesus fucking christ!!”_

I found Levi in the living room, sitting on the sofa, scrolling on his phone. He looked up in surprise when I barged in.

 “Woah, she decided to skin you after all?”

 “Not exactly but you need to leave,” I panted, looking out of the window behind him and down the street. “Like now. You need to leave now.”

 “You’re that eager to get rid of me, huh?” He sensed the alarm in my voice, though, and got to his feet. “What’s the rush?” he said, more seriously.

 “My dad is like, right around the corner and unless you’re very keen on meeting him you should get going.”

 Mikasa entered the room too, but she stayed a little in the background. I saw Levi’s eyes settle on her for a few seconds before returning to me.

 “I don’t mind staying.”

 “Seriously?” Mikasa and I said simultaneously, although Mikasa’s voice was laced with scepticism.

 Levi met my stare, ignoring my sister. “Sure, why not?” 

 I was at a loss for words. “Uhm, well, that’s great and all, Levi, but I don’t think I’m ready just yet…”

 I was puzzled by the feeling of apprehensiveness that overtook me when thinking about introducing my _boy_ friend to my father. Although I never saw my father, although he had never taken an interest in my life and although I cared little about him, it still felt frightening to reveal this to him. And I was a little angry too, because, why should I even be _frightened_ of telling anybody about the person I had fallen in love with?

 “Hey,” Levi reached for my fidgeting hands. “Don’t worry, Eren. Call me later, okay?”

 He pulled me down into a kiss, giving me a reassuring smile before he went out of the door. I didn’t move until I saw his car going down the street and disappearing from sight.

 Mikasa cleared her throat.

 “He’s a little short, isn’t he?”

 She was biting her lip trying not to laugh. I rolled my eyes.

 “What are you, twelve years old?”

 I followed her into the kitchen where we sat down, but Mikasa was up seconds later to put on the coffee maker.

 I was already feeling the absence of Levi a little too much for my liking. I couldn’t help the sneaky thought that said, _what if he doesn’t come back?_ I shook my head, exorcising the voice from my mind. Levi had promised he wouldn’t leave me again. I was with him, he was with me – we were together.

 “So, did dad say why he was coming?”

 Mikasa sat down, shaking her head. “No, he just said that he wanted to see us both. I’m not sure there’s anything special he wants to tell us. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

 We sat listening to the annoyed hacking of the coffee maker while waiting for the arrival of our father, like two characters in a play needing the entrance of another for the next scene to commence. 

 Despite the fact that my father would be there in a little bit, which was never something that I looked forward to, I was surprisingly calm. The talk with Mikasa had gone so much smoother than expected and I was so grateful for her.

 “Thank you, Mikasa.”

 “Huh?”

 She lifted her eyes to me.

 “I couldn’t have asked for a better sister than you.”

 Whatever she was about to say was cut short by the sound of a car stopping outside the house. The coffee maker continued its griping whilst we heard the front door opening and closing.

 “Mikasa? Eren?”

 “We’re in the kitchen, dad,” Mikasa shouted, before sending me a sharp look that I understood perfectly well.

 A few second later, our father was standing in the doorway. He was wearing the same old suit and he looked just as tired as ever.

 “Hi, kids.”

 I screwed my eyes shut as I fought the ire that was quickly rising in me at the sound of his voice.

 “How was your trip?” I heard Mikasa say.

 “Oh, it was all right.”

 “Do you want some coffee?”

 “Ah, yes please. Coffee sounds amazing.”

 Mikasa found three cups from the cupboard; I heard the clinking of ceramic. While she was busy pouring the coffee I heard dad shuffling into the kitchen. My body stiffened when I felt him put a hand on my shoulder.

 “Hi, Eren.”

 Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at him. He removed his hand shortly after.

 “Hi.”

 The sad smile he was wearing was as infuriating as ever. Mikasa put the cups down on the table before sitting down again.

 “How did your exams go?” he asked us both.

 Mikasa answered him, I just gritted my teeth and stared ahead. I couldn’t believe that I had had to chase Levi away because of _him._

 He sat down next to me. “What about you, Eren? How does it feel like having graduated?”

 My self-control slipped. “Fucking fantastic,” I snapped, turning on him. “Now, would you mind telling us why you are here?”

 I saw the smile vanish from his face. The hurt in his eyes did nothing but increase the intense hatred I felt for him. He had no right to waltz in and out of our lives, coming back like this, pretending to care before suddenly taking off again.

 Mikasa was agitatedly tapping out a rhythm on the tabletop, clearing her throat a few times attempting to catch my attention. I refused to look at her, staring my father straight in the face.

 His brows corrugated in perturbation as he endured my stare. I didn’t like that, so I ended up being the one to break away first, drowning my eyes in the black liquid shivering in the cup between my hands.

 I thought the silence would never cease, but in the end dad started talking in his usual mellow tone.

 “Well, I wanted to see you two, of course,” he said, and I had the hardest time of holding back a spiteful laugh. “But there is also something I wanted to talk to you about.”

 “I have been offered a promotion at work. If I say yes I will have to move to Stohess – permanently.” He paused. We waited for him to go on. “With Mikasa having moved out and you finishing school, Eren, I have been thinking about selling this house.”

 “You have _what now_?” I said, not believing my own ears. When I looked at him I saw that he was being completely serious.

 Granted, I already had plans of moving out of the house – of leaving Shiganshina, altogether – but he had _no way_ of knowing that.

 “What should I do, then? Live on the streets?” I snarled derisively.

 “Of course not. Please, be reasonable, Eren. If you want to, you can come with me to Stohess.”

 A terrible feeling of dread washed over me.

 “Fuck no.”

 “As predicted,” he nodded. “I’ve saved up for a while now, and when I start the new job in Stohess –“

  _I knew it. He had already made up his mind._

“ - I will receive a raise. So I will help you find a place to stay, Eren, and pay for your rent until you can get a job. Mikasa, I will help you out, too. I know how hard you have been working and you deserve it.”

 To my surprise, Mikasa was shaking her head. “No, I won’t take the money,” she said adamantly. “Use it to pay for Eren’s college education instead.”

 I stared at her in shock.

 “Mikasa!”

 “I mean it,” she maintained, shooting me a strict look before planting her eyes in our father. “Give Eren the chance to grow to his full potential.”

 “What are you saying! You’re killing yourself with all the work your doing! Mikasa, you _deserve_ that money!” I nearly knocked over my cup in my agitation.

 “I’m sorry, Eren,” she said, not sounding sorry at all, “but you need the money more than I do, and you know it. Don’t tell me that you don’t want to go to Trost College? Look me in the eye and say that you don’t want to go.”

 “That’s irrelevant! That’s _completely_ irrelevant!” I shouted, my voice shrill.

 “Enough, you two.”

 Mikasa and I fell silent instantly. He didn’t even have to raise his voice.

 It ticked me off how he could still do that. It was like being transported back to the fights we had had when we were children, and mum had still been around. Our father never raised his voice. He didn’t have to. There was something so subtly peremptory about it, which induced awe and respect. 

 Glowering at him, I waited for him to speak.

 “Thank you,” he said softly, taking a sip of his coffee. I put my hands in my lap where they clenched together into trembling fists. He placed the cup back on the table and pushed his glasses further up his nose.

 “I have been thinking about this for a while, actually.” He turned to me. “Do you want to go to college, Eren?”

 “Of course I want to go to college,” I grit out between clenched teeth.

 He eyed me for a while. I didn’t like it one bit – in fact, I hated it beyond comprehension. My father was too clever, too sharp. If I gave him the chance he could read me in a few seconds and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want him be involved in anything regarding my life. And if he offered me support for college I was not sure that I would be able to accept it.

 I was suddenly struck with the realisation that he was not the only individual who had roused this kind of revulsion in me. It reminded me of somebody else, or rather, somebody else reminded me of him. It was the same distaste I felt for the commander of the Legion, Erwin.

 They are surprisingly alike, I thought. Both were clever, calculating, exceptionally self-possessed and – although it was definitely more pronounced with Erwin – both were authoritative. Perhaps the reminiscence of my father had contributed to the contempt I felt for the commander.

 But unlike Erwin, my father was an unassuming man, he was someone remarkable hiding in an unremarkable guise of fat. I never understood why he worked for the company he did, earning a mediocre salary when I was sure he could employ his intellect more efficiently elsewhere and in a different line of work. That was another thing; I was sure my father could read anyone, but I could never read him. Letting him eye me like he was right then, was like standing on the wrong side of a one-way mirror.

 “Very well. If that’s what you want, then I’ll help you.”

 I was shaking and I didn’t even notice that my fingernails were digging into my palms, nearly breaking through the skin.

 It was everything I wanted, and yet, I only felt a withering feeling twist its way through my body, winding itself around me so tightly I had trouble breathing.

 I got to my feet abruptly. “I don’t want your help.”

 “Eren!”

 I was out of there before Mikasa could stop me.

 When I had gotten to end of the street I pulled out my phone and dialled Levi’s number.

 “Where are you?”

 “The pit.”

 “I’ll be there in ten.”

 When I arrived Levi was waiting for me, leaning against his car like so many other times we had met there. I got off my bike, putting it down on the ground. Sighing, I went and stood next to him.

 “That went awfully quick.”

 I could hear the question in his voice.

 “Yeah.” I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath to soothe my nerves. It was shaky on the exhalation. The sun had warmed up the shell of the car nicely, the warmth welcome to loosen up my tense body. I felt Levi’s fingers ghost against mine.

 He didn’t even ask me what had happened, I just ended up telling him by myself.

 “I don’t want his help, Levi,” I asserted, after having told him everything that had transpired after he left. Clouds were amassing above, and I pressed closer to Levi so that I could share his warmth as the sun hid itself away. The wind was becoming more forward too, so I pulled my zipper all the way up to my chin while Levi put his arm around my shoulder. The silence stretched between us.

 “I can understand that, Eren,” he murmured after some time. The fingers of his hand squeezed my arm. He looked up at me to meet my gaze, eyes clear and insisting. “I can see where you’re coming from, but I think you should take him up on the offer anyways.”

 I looked away. “I thought you would say that,” I muttered. “Mikasa thinks so, too.”

 Levi was quiet.

 “It’s just… the thought of letting him help me makes me want to be sick. I don’t want to be… indebted to him. And if he thinks that a little bit of money will set anything right he’s dead wrong,” I spat. Having calmed myself a little, I added, “I don’t want him to have such a great impact on my life. He doesn’t have the right to.”

 My hands clenched into fists, but all they needed to unclench was the feeling of Levi’s fingers. He grabbed onto my hand and fixed me with persisting eyes.

 “Eren, you’re being fucking stubborn and your letting your pride get in your way.”

 I bit my lip, averting my eyes from his. I didn’t know what to say.

 “Now you resent him because he has made an effort to help you – like a father would. Thus, if you were to accept his offer, it would be like you acknowledged his role as your father.”

 The words rang in my ears.

 “What are you, a psychoanalyst now?”

 “Shut up, it’s not that hard to see. Just open your eyes.” He let go of my hand to flick my forehead.

 “Hey!” I protested, rubbing my forehead.

 He rolled his eyes at me. “Whatever. You will regret it if you decline his offer, because you will blame him for that too. And it will only make you bitter. If you accept, you can at least try to let it go. He’ll go to Stohess, you’ll go to Trost. Hell, you don’t even have to see him again if you don’t want to. Just send him a card every Christmas or something,” he shrugged.

 As he was talking I sank down next to the car, sitting myself down on the ground and tying my arms around my knees.

 “Oi, brat, are you listening?” He nudged me with his foot.

 “Yeah, I hear you.”

 I heard him give an annoyed sound, but he didn’t pressure me further, saying, “You’re getting dirt all over you.”

 Studying the mess that was my relationship to my father was not something I particularly enjoyed doing, which probably explained why a dreadful tangled mess had accumulated in my stomach over time – a mess that I shunned like the plague.

 Levi was right, though. Accepting the help of my father meant that I would have to swallow my pride. Thinking about it made my face burn in shame.

 But would I really be any happier if I told him no? _Of course not._ Bitterness would ensue, without doubt.

 With that money I could go to college… I could study literature… It was something I hadn’t even dared to dream of before. Now it appeared so real to me I could almost taste it on my tongue.

 I felt my resolve collapsing and the wind had me shaking whilst it happened. The wall that had been blocking my view of the vast world that lay waiting for me was crumbling and my heart gave an excited flutter as my thoughts slipped away into the future, no longer obstructed.

 I had the chance to be free – the only one stopping me now was myself.

 “They’re moving so fast it makes me a little agitated,” I said, looking up at the puffy grey clouds that were rolling across the sky. My gaze landed on Levi, who was staring down at me, trying to read my expression. “But like, good agitated. I’m itching to go – like, I want to race them wherever they’re going. Do you feel that, too?” I grinned.

 Levi only stared, face a blank, but I saw his mouth twitch. He looked at the clouds too and I saw his lips curl into a little smile. “Hmm, I kind of do.”

 I got back to my feet and pulled Levi into a hug. He was a little surprised, but wrapped his arms around me without hesitation. “So you’re telling your father that you’ll accept the money, then?” he mumbled into my chest.

 I pressed him into me. “Yes.”

 “That’s a clever brat,” he purred, grabbing my neck and pulling me down so he could kiss me, like he was rewarding me for making the right decision.

 “And I’ll have to tell him that I’m moving, too,” I managed to breathe against his lips, before he was joining us again. It was an ice-cold gust of wind that made Levi pull away, cursing, “What the hell, is this supposed to be fucking June?” slapping me when I sniggered at him.

 We only heard the shrill sound of a phone ringing when the wind subsided.

 Levi fished out his phone, brows suddenly knitting into a severe frown when his eyes landed on the screen. The freezing sensation that ran down my back was not of the wind’s doing.

 Levi brought the phone to his ear apprehensively, greeting a person that I had hoped we wouldn’t be hearing from in a while yet.

 “Erwin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, I finally managed to finish this chapter. I am soo tired.. 
> 
> Gods, I swear, after writing this I think Eren might be bipolar. That is all up for interpretation, though. 
> 
> And, ooh, a lot of things will be happening in the next chapter. So, yeah, here's a cliffhanger for you. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and for leaving kudos and comments!
> 
> Bless all your lovely little faces <3


	20. Chapter 20

 Levi was angry.

 I had seen him angry many times before, but not like this. This time it was contained, suppressed, like he was afraid of its release. But the anger was stronger for it, and if feelings could be explained by something as categorical as science, the second law of thermodynamics would be the most applicable in this particular case.

 “I don’t like this,” Levi said, “I don’t like this one bit.” His eyes were livid.

 “It’ll be fine,” I told him, cursing myself when I heard my uncertainty translated into a quiver in my voice.

 Levi directed his scowl at me. Although I knew I wasn’t the object of his ire, I still felt the intensity of it, as if it was aimed directly at me. I got the impression that he was going to say something, but he only stared at me for a long while, his face contorted in a black expression.

 “Eren…”

 I didn’t like how he uttered my name; it came stringent, perhaps a little pained, spoken almost like a warning.

 “It’ll be fine,” I repeated, not letting whatever doubts I had slip onto my tongue this time. I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince anymore, Levi or myself.

 “You don’t know that,” he bit out.

 And he was right, of course. I didn’t know anything.

___________

 I could not recall it ever having been so cold here. It seemed like the concrete skeleton, in one heaving shudder, had released a chill stored up over decades, now expelling it from its bones. That old clammy cold found a new abode in my warm body as I moved down the corridor.

 The sound of my echoing footsteps was not solitary; I could tell that I was not alone. There was the excited shuffling of feet, a hushed murmur of voices, a white, glaring light spilling from the doorway up ahead.

 I remembered when walking down this very corridor had sparked nothing but a warm comforting feeling, when that sound of waiting voices had had the power to coax a smile from me. Walking down this corridor had felt a lot like coming home. I did have a faint memory of what it felt like having a family; my mother and my father and Mikasa and I, living together – the feeling of safety, of belonging. I had found it once more – here, with my friends; the family I had chosen for myself.

 No trace of that feeling existed now, not even a remnant of it. Although this place had remained the same, my experience of it had changed dramatically. It was a distortion of time and perspective; like visiting your favourite place at night, when only having observed it in the lustre of the sun, and finding that, it is something disturbingly divergent. It is not so much another side of what you thought you knew, it is something wholly disparate – and you think to yourself, was it like this all along? Was I merely blind?

 When I entered the room at the far end, everyone fell silent; fifty pairs of eyes, probably more, landed on me.

 Their faces were not friendly. I tried to ignore the sneers and the glares, the sarcastic remarks, the shoulders and the elbows, as I pushed my way to the front of the room, where I, the leader of an unnamed gang could look out and address the crowd, knowing that they did not consider me their leader anymore.

 I recognised a few of them, but most I found to be complete strangers. I could see that there had been additions while I had been away. Vicious, malevolent grins were plastered on their faces as they eyed me predatorily.

 I bit the inside of my cheek as a feeling of sickness washed over me. Seeing what the little group I had founded and loved had turned into made me want to cry or vomit, or possibly both. I had known for a long time, of course, what it had been on the verge of becoming, known that it had been cancerous for quite some time, but seeing it in its final stage still came as a shock. It felt a little bit like watching something that was dead, yet somehow still alive.

 It was no longer a group of teenagers trying to find a place in this rushing world, no longer a refuge for the souls that felt like they did not fit in anywhere, or found that they were unable to conform to societal expectations. These had been driven out, overrun by ruthless criminals – the group of friends turned into a formidable force.

 Yes, now it looked like something to be reckoned with; something deserving the respect of those who prowled in the underworld of Shiganshina – something that made my skin crawl, knowing that I was the one responsible for its creation.

 Today I was glad to find that none of my dearest, closest friends were to be seen among the faces in the crowd; it was the only thing that managed to calm me down enough so that I could open my mouth.

 “I brought us all together today because I have an announcement to make.”

 I might have been nervous, but my voice carried across the room, all the way to the people in the back, and it was steady, it was solid – my final display of authority.

 “This is where it all ends,” I declared, words echoing off the indifferent concrete walls, their fervour multiplying. “As of today, we are disbanding.”

 For a minute the crowd was silent, their unpleasant expressions had not waned, however.

 The next moment they were sniggering, a round of ridiculing jibes thrown at me in scorn.

 It was just as anticipated.

 I gritted my teeth, standing my ground; enduring the abuse as my heart beat in trepidation – I was waiting for the other side to make their move.

 And they did not leave me hanging for long.

 “That is not going to happen.”

 A chilling voice was emitted from amidst the sea of faces. It was low, yet compelling, demanding attention. I recognised it immediately.

 Hidden in the crowd, I had not seen her, but right then, Annie stepped forth.

 A heavy silence fell, throttling every little sound, and it was different from when I had entered the room; that silence had reminded me of the one descending when a pack of feral dogs sense the smell of prey. This hush was something else. It was brought about by steadfast awe and respect.

 They made way for her, stepping back so that she was standing in front – facing me.

  _Of course._

 Hadn’t I always a bad feeling about her? Her dead eyes and blank face had made me feel uncomfortable from day one. I had brushed it off, thinking that I was being irrational, paranoid even. After all, who was I to judge her – to judge anyone? Regardless, that gut feeling had never quite gone away – and now I could see why.

 I was grateful that my voice was still steady when I spoke next, although its patience and politeness was forced.

 “Annie. What are you saying?”

 “I am speaking on behalf of The Titans,” her voice was more impressive when raised. “And I am telling you what you already know - you no longer have any authority here.”

 She was merely stating a fact, but hearing it said aloud like that was brutal. I wished I hadn’t felt the sting so acutely. I felt my body go rigid, turn defensive as if preparing for further blows. Subconsciously, I straightened my back, holding my head high.

 “Tell me,” I demanded, feeling the chill of the place start to seep into my heart. It melted down into a biting cold liquid that dripped steadily in through a weak point in the walls, until it was filled with a substance that the pulsing muscle was unable to heat up.

 My voice was nearly as hypothermic as I felt.

 “Tell me - why did you do this?”

 “ _Why did you do this?_ ” - the words echoed in my mind. Why was I asking her this? What did I want her to say? I already knew the answer – so why did I need her to say it?

 Annie looked at me like she was thinking the exact same thing. I could hear a round of sniggers move throughout the crowd, but I couldn’t see the people anymore. They became a faceless entity in the background of an immense presence of unflinching apathy.

  _“Why did you do this?”_

It sounded like something a naïve child would say.

  _But I am naïve. I am a child._

 Annie studied me for a little while, perhaps struggling to figure out how to respond to such a guileless question, or determining whether she should ignore it all together.

 “We wanted to take on the Legion once and for all,” she replied eventually.

 “And you needed us to do that?” I gritted out.

 She blinked. “The arrival of your gang provided us with a golden opportunity,” she said matter-of-factly. “All we had to do was getting the Legion to notice you, before sitting back to watch you destroy one another.”

 She paused, looking thoughtful. “It seemed to be working at first, but then things slowed down. I can only assume that the Legion figured something out...” Her sharp eye turned to me again and I felt as if everything was written on my face.

 I focused on meeting her eye as steadily as I could, hoping against hope that she was not as shrewd as she looked.

 “Oh, really?”

 She was silent long enough for me to regret having opened my mouth at all. Her eyes narrowed.

 “Really.”

 This was getting dangerous. Time was running out, but the next move was not mine.

 I could sense the crowd behind her growing restless.

 Could they hear my frantic heartbeat? Could they smell my desperation?

 “We changed tactics then,” Annie was saying. “We decided that it would have to be a battle of strength instead of cunning. However, us multiplying our numbers would not go unnoticed by the Legion.” She paused, watching me closely as she spoke the next words. “Thus, your fast growing cult was the perfect smokescreen for us.”

 Annie took a step towards me. Her blank expression had changed into something more intense; her eyes arrested me. To be honest – they terrified me.

 What made them so frightening? I wondered. Staring into them, I realised it was their emptiness that unsettled me. They were void of anything at all. There was no anger, no hate, no triumph, no glee – nothing.

 Even if I, in that moment, had decided to flee from her, I would not have been able to move.

 “So no, this gang will not be disbanding. It will be merging with us.”

 “You may join us or you may leave. However,” she lowered her voice threateningly, “if you leave we will assume that you have taken the side of The Shiganshina Legion, and treat you like we would any member of theirs.”

 Her words hung over my head like a threat waiting to bear down on me.

 “How kind of you, allowing me to decide for myself, ” I said, words quavering with anger and sarcasm.

 What she was saying was infuriating, to be sure. Once again I was presented with a choice where none of the alternatives were favourable to me.

 However, strangely enough, that was not the reason why bile was rising in my throat; it was the utterly unfazed look on Annie’s face.

 Unfazed.

 Unconcerned.

 Unrepentant.

 It started as a tiny spark of white heat in the bottom of my stomach. Maybe my insides were nothing more than dry kindling, for they lit up with a terrible roar and a rush of heat, something, which paradoxically, no one but I could hear or feel.

 Not only was it rage, it was also a burning desire – a burning desire to _make her understand, to make her see, to make her regret, to make her feel something._

I wanted her to understand. I wanted _all of them_ to understand how they had ruined something that had been important for many, how their petty gang warfare had hurt my friends, how they had corrupted them and possibly ruined many lives.

 But one look at her told me that it was pointless. There was no way Annie, or any of them, would understand or even care. In her eyes was not a sliver of regret, no compassion, no shame – an absolute deprivation of any feeling at all.

 That kind of cruel apathy made me furious. The complete disregard for other people charred me black on the inside. It was as if smoke rose to my eyes, blinding me, taking away my ability to think clearly.

 When I stepped forward, with fists itching and a roiling head, I knew somewhere far in the back of my mind, that I was not supposed to do this.

 “Mind if we interrupt?”

 How strange that the sound of one particular voice could quench such violent flames so easily. A moment before they had been licking away at my insides, consuming my flesh and my sanity, and in the next they were snuffed out, a white-hot blaze suddenly drowned in a shock of glacial water.

 If I had thought Levi angry this morning, it was nothing compared to his current demeanour. His anger was like a physical presence – something so palpable that all eyes were sucked to him where he stood in the doorway.

 The Titans only had a second to register him as stepped into the room. The next moment saw him joined by a flood of people surging in through the entrances on both sides.

 Swiftly, the Legion surrounded the mass of people standing in the middle of the room. Shouts and curses broke out when the traitors realised what was happening. It all transpired so fast that even I, who already knew this was scheduled to happen, was startled. Impressed, too, by the Legion’s swift entrance, how they moved with such precision and confidence – the result of having a highly strategical leader, whom they all trusted blindly.

 I kept my place at the front, briefly noting that Annie had disappeared. I was frantically looking for Levi, but he had seemingly vanished as well.

 My heart was beating painfully fast, and although I should be relieved that I wasn’t alone anymore, I felt no such thing as relief at all.

_Where the hell is Levi?_

 This wasn’t a safe place for anyone. With the Legion’s arrival it had possibly become even more dangerous.

 The bloodlust was thick in the air as the two rivals faced each other – I could smell it, I could feel it clinging to my skin.

 They were scary looking men, all of them. The only thing that set the two gangs apart was the Legion’s uniform dark clothing. The newcomers were wearing triumphant expressions; predators knowing that they have successfully cornered their prey. The Titans were clearly outnumbered.

 However, this did not seem to thwart The Titans’ spirit. Although surrounded and outnumbered, their thirst for blood was just as acute as the one shown in the individuals of the Legion.

 How long since their last clash? The violence and pulsing hatred that pervaded the air told me that both sides were starving.

 The Titans only allowed a minute to go by before they threw themselves at the Legion.

 I pressed myself up against the wall as I cast my eyes in every direction, desperately looking for Levi in the stampede. I had to find him so that we could get out of there.

 In the fray I had forgotten who I had been facing only moments before, but a sudden blow to the side of my neck served as an ugly reminder.

 I stumbled, and would have fallen if I hadn’t supported myself on the wall. Turning around, I caught a glimpse of a pair of deadly grey eyes. I felt a chill strike into my very being when I realised that Annie had no intentions of letting me go.

 I had been told to slip away when it all started, for my own safety. But here it was – my chance for revenge.

____

 “Your announcement should prompt a spokesperson to appear – that will be the cue for our entrance,” Erwin told us in the dim lighting of his office. “I already have an idea who it might be, but I want to confirm it.”

“And there’s no other way to do that without using Eren as fucking bait?”

It was surreal sitting in that despicable office with a Levi trying to protect me from Erwin’s ruthless schemes. How things had changed.

 “It’s the only way of gathering them all in one place. As far as I am aware, they don’t know about our collaboration, so they will not anticipate an ambush.”

 “Why is an ambush even necessary?”

 “Because I want to crush them,” Erwin said softly, a dangerous lilt in his voice. “The Titans believe that this is the time for their revival, for their rebirth, if you will. That is why I will smother them before they can take their first steps.”

 I was reminded then of how truly horrifying Erwin could be. With a seething Levi beside me, I asked Erwin who he suspected the spokesperson to be.

 “A girl by the name of Annie. I believe she is the daughter of Leonhardt – the leader of The Titans.”

 Levi said nothing. I said nothing.

 “I want her captured,” Erwin continued, “but unharmed – is that clear?” his eyes settled on me, specifically.

 “Yeah.”

_____

 Every pulse of my heart told me what I wanted – a reckoning.

 And here it was – right in front of me.

 When I turned to face Annie, I could feel my consciousness start to recede.

 I saw the next blow coming and parried it, but Annie was quick, and before I could stop her she had planted her fist in my stomach.

 Rage and pain melted together into a hybrid of emotion that I had felt on many occasions, but this time there was another taste to it. It carried a bitterness that only intensified the fury within me.

 Right then, the girl before me; as the representative of The Titans, became the embodiment of everything that had made the people I cared about suffer. My vision blurred until everything in my periphery was nothing more than dark shapes moving around – all my attention being focused on my opponent.

 Annie raised her arms in a defensive stance, and I mirrored her, my ears seemingly stuffed with cotton because I could hear nothing but my raging heartbeat, and I felt my body move forwards as I pulled my arm back and –

 That was when something heavy smacked into me, sending me reeling. When my vision cleared up, I saw that two black clad men had pressed their way in between Annie and I. If I had been fully in charge of my wits at that moment, I would have recognised them as the henchmen Hanji had brought with her that time I had beaten Jean to a pulp.

 But I didn’t – and even if I had, it wouldn’t have stopped me from charging them, attempting to break through their barrier, snarling and swearing, so that I could get at her, so that I could have my reckoning.

 A vicelike grip on my arm tugged me away and I whirled around to face my assailant, an angry roar ripping from my throat. Another hand prevented my fist from connecting with his face.

 My arm fell and a wave of relief washed over me as my eyes landed on Levi. Seeing him again cancelled the dementia that had been writhing in me like a poisonous snake, and all thoughts about revenge vanished like a puff of smoke.

 “Levi!” I gasped, looking him over to make sure he was unharmed.

 “Jesus Christ, Eren,” he hissed, tightening his hold on me until it hurt. “You’re so fucking stupid.”

 After having exchanged a meaningful look with one of the guys behind me he returned his glare to me. “We’re leaving,” he stated as he pulled my arm, making me follow him.

 He manoeuvred us through the onslaught, dodging the fists, bats, iron rods, glinting blades, and whatever weapons the crazed criminals were making use of.

 “What were you thinking, taking that girl on? Didn’t Erwin tell you to leave her alone? Do you ever fucking listen?” he shouted at me over the noise. I was about to answer him, but right then an elbow was buried in my stomach, wrenching me out of Levi’s hold.

 I doubled over in pain, tears starting to form in my eyes as all the air was robbed from my lungs.  

 There was a loud crunch.  

 From where I was kneeling on the floor, I saw Levi; face contorted in a vicious snarl, lowering his fist even as this burly guy fell to the floor with a heavy thud. The man did not get up again.

 Wasting no time, Levi reached down and snatched my arm, hauling me back to my feet.

 “All right?”

 I nodded, not able to enunciate anything that would assure him of my well being. With Levi’s guidance we eventually reached the exit, mostly unscathed.

 “Hanji is waiting for us down the street,” he said as we slipped out into cool night air. “We should hurry.”

 We were so close to safety I grew more nervous each second that ticked by. We had been lucky up until now, but it felt like everything could go wrong in the few minutes it would take for us to reach Hanji.

 The sound of footsteps stopped us in our tracks. Turning my head, I saw Erwin and another guy I didn’t recognise approach us. They were walking at a brisk pace, coming towards us along the side of the building. Catching sight of us, the two of them slowed to a halt as well.

 “Leaving so soon?” came Erwin’s voice, slinking through the night like a nocturnal animal.

 Levi’s fingers tightened their hold on my arm. I was having a hard time seeing his face in the dark, but I heard him make a sharp intake of breath. He stepped around me so that he was facing Erwin, but he didn’t say anything, he only stared at the shadow of a man standing before him.

 Although I couldn’t stand Erwin I recognised his brilliance.

 And also, no matter how angry Levi had been with him lately, it was obvious how much he respected the man. They had been working together for many years, after all. Perhaps Erwin had not been the best influence on Levi’s life, but I wondered what Levi would be doing right now if he had never met Erwin.

 Would he have been all right if he had stayed with his family – if he had stayed in school?

  _“Do you want my tragic back-story, is that it? Do you want me to tell you that both my parents were smack heads? That the only way for me to feed myself was by stealing? That my talent for fighting and theft got me into the Legion?”_

Levi’s words from back then echoed in my mind.

 Perhaps his life had turned out better because of Erwin; perhaps it had turned out worse – there was no way of knowing.

 All I knew was that Levi was here with me right now and all that might or might not have happened in the past did not matter.

 What Levi had done in the past, what he had not done in the past – it did not matter.

 We do not live in the past – we live in the present.

 And in this very present, Levi turned the last page of a chapter that comprised a large part of his life. I held my breath in awe as it happened.

 “Goodbye, Erwin.”

 The pause he left was filled with the faint clamour of the battle that was unfolding within the concrete building. The wind howled as it cut through the hollow shells that towered up in all directions around us. 

 “Goodbye, Levi. This is a great loss, indeed.”

 Erwin gave a curt nod before he motioned for the other man to follow him into the building – and then they were gone.

 Levi stood immobile for a little while, watching the entrance, seemingly lost in thought. I tugged on his sleeve, voice timid when I spoke. “Levi, we should go.”

 Levi turned to me, snapping out of his trance when he looked up into my face. It didn’t look like he was upset, merely a little out of it, something that I had no trouble understanding.

 “Yeah, sorry,” he muttered, shaking his head as if attempting to clear it. We started moving again, our pace picking up as we walked down the street, trying to get as much distance between us and the concrete building as we could.

 Levi threw a look over his shoulder. “At least it doesn’t look like we’re being followed. That girl looked pretty determined on restraining you.”

 “Yeah,” I panted, trying to keep up with his quick strides.

 Levi earned a worried stare from me when I heard him chuckle.

 “What? What is it?” I hurried to ask him, nearly tripping over my own feet in my bafflement. Levi had to grab me to prevent me from falling flat on my face.

 “If it’s so hard for you to walk and talk at the same time, I suggest you don’t do that.”

 “Levi,” I huffed, exasperated.

 He was smiling enigmatically. “I was just thinking about how, back in the day, I would have loved to rush in there with them to kick some ass. And now, I don’t really feel that way at all.” He laughed again, like he couldn’t believe it, and I felt a massive weight lift off my heart.

 “So you’re fine with it?”

 He looked at me, laughter in his eyes still, and took my hand.

 “Yes, brat. I’m fine with it.”

 A minute later, we found Hanji. She was waiting for us in a black car I assumed belonged to the Legion, or perhaps everybody in the gang owned identical cars. She got out to greet us.

 “Finally! I thought I had to come in there and drag you out myself. Auruo and Erd are a little busy at the moment, so I guess I’ll be driving you,” she said as she attempted to get back into the driver’s seat, but before she could do so, Levi was yanking her back.

 “Yeah, that’s not happening.”

 “Levii,” Hanji complained. “You never let me drive anywhere!”

 “I know, and there’s a reason for that; wanting to stay alive,” he snapped, placing himself in the driver’s seat and slamming the door shut.

 "Still as rude as ever,” she tutted, shaking her head like a despondent parent. “I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, Eren.”

 She cheered up, however, when I offered her the passenger seat. Levi wasn’t all too happy about that, I could tell. He didn’t argue further, though – Hanji was helping us out, after all.

 When we arrived at my house I was the first one out of the car. As I ran up to my doorstep, Levi called after me, “Be quick, Eren.”  

 There was no need to remind me. I got inside, running to my room. The bag I had packed a few days before was sitting on the floor, waiting patiently for me.

 When I stood in the living room, I realised that I would, most likely, never set foot in this house ever again. A couple of days ago, before my dad had left, he told me he would be putting the house up for sale in a few months’ time. I would be far away from here by then. 

 I walked out the door, and I did not look back.

 Levi and Hanji were waiting for me outside. They were standing next to Levi's car, which he had parked in the driveway the day before.  

 "You got everything?" Levi asked. 

 "Yeah." 

 Levi nodded, but neither he nor Hanji moved. I put my bag down, looking at each of them in turn, their idleness confusing me. "Are we going, or what?" 

 Levi looked hesitant; Hanji had her arms crossed, rolling her eyes none too discreetly as she let out a sigh of exasperation.

 "Are you sure you want to do this, Eren?" Levi said, ignoring Hanji. His eyebrows were knit in a frown and he looked so tentative that I was slightly taken aback by this rare display of emotion. It was rather endearing, actually.

 I laughed. "It's a bit late to ask that now, Levi – staying here is not really an option anymore. But of course," I walked over to where he was standing and took his hand, “I’m not going with you because I _have_ to. I’m going because I _want_ to.”

 Another sigh brought my attention back to Hanji. “He’s really just a baby, after all. Always in need of validation… Bless.”

 She quickly put some distance between herself and Levi so that he couldn’t reach her. The look in his eyes told her exactly what he thought of her comment.

 "Well, guys, I’ll be taking my leave now. All that's left for me to do is wishing you good luck." She gave us a bright smile. "Live, be happy, be proud,” she said, looking at Levi with all the warmth and kindness of a mother. It was quite an experience to watch the previous aggravation melt away from Levi’s features like that.

 I let go of his hand as Hanji stepped forward to secure him in a snug embrace. For a moment, Levi looked perplexed, but eventually he put his arms around the taller woman and hugged her back awkwardly.

 "So, what are you going to do now?" he asked, once they parted.

 She smiled. "This is it for me, too, I’m afraid.” She pushed her glasses further up her nose as she mused out loud, “I think I'll go on to use my skills more honourably from now on. Besides,” she grinned, “it won't be any fun without you here, Levi,” punching him in the shoulder as she cackled maniacally.

 I watched their interaction, lost for words. How Hanji was still alive after all those years working with Levi would always remain a mystery to me.

 “Since we’ll never see each other again, I’m not going to kill you.”

 “Oh, hon, if you think this is the last you’ll be seeing of me, then you are terribly mistaken.”

 Hanji walked over to me and gave me a hug as well. I tried to reciprocate the hug to the best of my efforts; still I don’t think I succeeded in squeezing her as hard as she squeezed me.

 “It was nice getting to know you, Eren. You are a very interesting person.” Then she whispered in my ear, “Take care of him, all right?”

 “Thanks, Hanji. And don’t worry – I will.”

 “Great!” she beamed, letting me go.

 Levi picked up my bag and threw it in the trunk of his car. “Get lost, shitty glasses. You’re blocking the driveway.”

 Hanji made her way over to her car, laughing as she went. “Sure thing, grumpy-gills! I’ll see you boys later. Play nice!”

 She got into the driver’s seat, waving like mad before she turned the car around and spun away. We watched her go in silence.

 “I swear to God, I hate that woman.”

 I smiled. “No you don’t.”

 Levi moved his gaze from the road and onto me. He didn’t say anything immediately; he just looked. I didn’t feel uncomfortable under his stare; it felt good, like he was showering me with warmth. I indulged in it and hoped that, as I looked back at him, he felt something akin to what I was experiencing, too.

 We both knew that this was the end of a chapter, but at the same time, getting in that car would mark the beginning of a new one.

 “Come here,” he said, holding out his hand for me. His voice was soft and quiet – like the night surrounding us.

 When I put my hand in his, he reached up to touch my cheek, his thumb brushing over my cheekbone. My breath caught in my throat as I looked down at him, the tender look in his eyes sped up my heartbeat – he was so beautiful.

 Come what may, I was not afraid, not when I knew Levi would be there by my side.

 “Thank you for not dying in there,” he said.

 I pulled him to me in a tight hug.

 "Same goes for you," I whispered, breathing in the scent of his hair.

 And in that moment I knew that I loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellloo!
> 
> First of all, my sincerest apologies for this huuge delay. Due to a case of exceptional hubris I thought I would be able to write this concluding chapter on time, whilst working two jobs and having a social life - go me! 
> 
> Anyways, I really hope you like this chapter, because I have been fretting over it quite a lot. 
> 
> Our adventure is nearing its end :( The next chapter will be an epilogue, sort of. I'm very excited for it, but also a little sad, since it will mean saying goodbye to this story. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you're all having a wonderful summer ^_^


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is - the final chapter. I hope you like it :) I'll see you at the end!

**Epilogue**

_~~~_

 

> _Come what may, I was not afraid, not when I knew Levi would be there by my side._
> 
> _“Thank you for not dying in there, Eren,” he said._
> 
> _I pulled him to me in a tight hug._
> 
> _"Same goes for you," I whispered, breathing in the scent of his hair._
> 
> _And in that moment I knew that I loved him._

 The pages of the manuscript whispered in the gentle breeze that snuck in through the open window. It had been an abnormally warm September day, but thankfully the sun was withdrawing; its last rays lingered forlornly on the strip of water that could be seen from the window.

 Pale, slender fingers ran over the last page, caressing the paper like it was the skin of a lover – and in a sense, it was.

 At last, Levi’s eyes left the final words printed on the page. He closed the document, slowly, carefully – like everything concerning these pages required an extraordinary amount of attentiveness.

 Levi threw a look at the clock on the wall. Eren should have been home by now, he thought.

 He got up from his seat, yawning. He rolled his head on his shoulders in an attempt to work out the stiffness of his neck. He had been sitting in that chair for the majority of the day, ever since Eren had left for his first lecture early that morning. Levi had wanted to finish reading the manuscript before the young student got home in the afternoon.

 Well, now the brat was late. Perhaps he had stayed behind to talk to that presumptuous professor of his again. Levi let out an annoyed huff at the thought.

 The annoyance passed quickly, however, as there was no weight to it, and it was washed away and drowned by a brilliantly turquoise sea.

 The manuscript drew his eyes again. It lay on the desk – Eren’s desk – its pages motioning for him enticingly.

 Levi couldn’t help himself. He picked it up and placed it on the coffee table by the sofa before he headed for the kitchen. It wasn’t until he went to pour himself a glass of red wine that he noticed his hands were shaking.

 It took him by surprise, of course. When he became aware of it he could only stare at his hands, confused.

 It was only a slight tremble, though, like the aftershocks of an earthquake.

 He sat down on the sofa. The steady ticking of the clock on the wall kept him company in the empty flat. When he had glanced up at it for the fifth time in the span of two minutes, he started to feel annoyed with himself. He focused on sipping his wine, ignoring the tremble in his hand each time he raised the glass to his lips.

 Levi was tired, but too restless to go to sleep – besides, it was still early and Eren wasn’t home yet. Once again his eyes fell on the manuscript. Giving in, he reached for it.

 He flicked through the pages, reading parts over again. Every now and then his fingers would reach out to touch the words, sometimes he would mutter sentences under his breath. Perhaps he wanted to feel the shape of the words, their taste as he whispered them into the darkening room, or alternatively, he was attempting to commit them to memory.

 Levi’s eyes scanned across the page, devouring the meaning of the ink transferred onto paper; Eren’s thoughts, impressions, ideas, his numerous confessions, the images he had conjured up in his mind, his rage, his blood rushing feelings and desires – it was all there.

 After some time his gaze ascended from the words in his hands. For a while he left it extended in the air. The line of sight contained his consciousness within it and he was powerless to call it back immediately, because just then it was incompatible with anything corporeal.

 Stretching his legs out before him, Levi leant back in the sofa. Finally he closed his eyes, enveloping himself in velvety darkness. He drew a deep breath, which he released slowly. The converted substance was an anomaly, charged with things ineffable, issued from someplace that was not rooted in the physical world – it was beyond him, far beyond him, but still originating from his very essence. The tremble of his hands was a mere ripple on the surface; the resonance of whatever was going on deep within him – in the very centre of his soul.

 Levi closed the manuscript.

 It wasn’t perfect, of course. It was rough, it was raw, rushed at times and the language could use some work. But if anything he appreciated its rawness, its blatant honesty – it was so unmistakably Eren. 

 This was not just a bunch of papers hefted together, it was a part of Eren’s soul – and he had entrusted it to Levi.

 Even more than that, it was proof of how far Eren had come. The fact that he had been able to finish this at all…

 Eren had started writing shortly after they had moved to Trost a year ago. He had been… frustrated. Sometimes it even looked like he was in physical pain as he sat hunched over his desk by the window, scribbling furiously on a piece of paper, crossing out half of the words he put down. And apparently it had been no ordinary writer’s block either.

 ___________

 “It’s not right, that’s not what I mean,” Eren muttered, hands buried in his hair, pulling on the strands as he glared down at his words. It was painful to watch.

 “Eren. Take a break. You’ve been sitting there all day.”

 “I know, and nothing I’ve written so far is worth shit,” Eren bit out, clearly in a terrible mood.

 “And why is that?” Levi asked him patiently.

 Eren turned to him, face red with pent up frustration and tears glimmering in the corners of his eyes; their semblance to a stormy sea was striking.

“Because there’s a massive gap between what goes on in here,” he jabbed the tip of his pen into his chest, over his heart, “and the words I write. I don’t know why I’m even trying to do this… It just feels very important somehow. I think I need to do this to get everything straight in my head and for me to… to _fix myself._ If I can’t do this, then… then I’m not sure I’ll ever be all right.”

 It was not a call for help, nor was it a declaration of defeat – it was an admittance of weakness.

 The collected appearance Levi presented Eren with did not reflect the commotion within him; he believed every word the boy was saying and the words were disquieting.

 “So… the problem is you can’t express yourself properly?”

 Eren hesitated, unsure of how to explain himself. “Well, yeah. I mean, I can express myself to a certain extent, but it’s never… it’s never accurate. There’s always a dissonance that I can’t fix. The words… they’re not _close_ enough. I don’t even think there are words I can use to describe these things, these emotions. Knowing that makes me feel so lonely – it reminds me of how lonely we are…” he trailed off, staring down at his hands, the fingers of his right hand were speckled with black ink.

 Levi got up from where he was sitting to smack Eren across the head. “For fucks sake, stop breaking my heart, will you?”

 Eren looked up at him. He was frowning but only slightly. Through the frustration that was written on his face Levi could detect the hopefulness that Eren often eyed him with. It was a little frightening, the trust, the admiration, but at the same time it was exhilarating.

 Levi slipped his fingers into the locks of Eren’s hair. Eren’s features softened noticeably as he leant into Levi’s touch, nearly purring like a cat. Levi’s voice was soft when he spoke.

 “Eren, do you seriously believe that language can ever represent your feelings one hundred per cent? The way I see it, writing is a form of translation – and translations are never fully accurate. Plus, they are, without doubt, secondary to the original. But when the original is unobtainable you’ve just got to settle for the second best, right? Nobody can read your mind, Eren. Writing, communicating – it’s the best you can do to be understood.”

 Eren was silent. He cast his eyes down. 

 “I know…“ he said after a while, his voice subdued. “You’re right – of course, you’re right, but… but… that’s just it. I’m not sure if I _can_ make anybody see – I’m not sure if I can make _you_ see, and that scares me half to death.”

 Levi placed his hand underneath Eren’s chin and brought his gaze back up to him.

 “Okay, listen up,” he said sternly, utilizing his natural authoritarian qualities to aid his appeal. “Everyone fears that they won’t be understood, Eren. It's normal. The truth is no one can understand you fully – not even I.” He paused for effect and saw Eren press his lips together in a subjugation of emotion. “We are separate beings,” he continued, somewhat gentler, “and separate beings will always be just that - separate. No matter how hard you try to merge with another person, ultimately it can't be done."

 Eren didn’t say anything; he merely stared at Levi in silence as he bit into his bottom lip. Levi released a frustrated sigh as he got to experience the same kind of exasperation Eren was battling with. It was time for another tactic.

 "You like Proust, right?"

 That caught Eren off guard; he blinked, looking up at Levi as his brows knit in confusion.

 "Y-yeah. Why –?"

 "Tell me, why do you like his literature so much?" Levi demanded.

 Eren frowned, eyes slipping away from Levi’s for a moment to gather his thoughts from the sudden shift in conversation.

 "I… I guess it's... I don't know, I - I do like his writing, but it's a weird mixed feeling, sort of,” he began haltingly. “I mean, I both admire and envy him. The way he uses his language to explain, to illustrate - I wish I could be able to do that, too."

 The earlier frustration crept back into his expression as he talked. Eren’s jaw clenched when he realised Proust wasn’t completely unrelated to this at all. Being reminded of his favourite author right then was not something he appreciated much.

 Levi sighed as he peered down at his boyfriend. He could almost feel the dejectedness emanating from him. "Did you ever even read _Swann's Way_?" he questioned, raising his eyebrows as he waited for the inevitable reply.

 Eren’s gaze snapped back to him immediately, looking at him with an expression of annoyed disbelief. "What? Of course I have! That's the first fucking book of the series. Do you think I'm just being a pretentious shit?!"

 Levi kept his calm composure even as Eren glared at him, but he couldn’t keep a certain sharpness out of his voice when he said, "I know you're a pretentious shit, but that's not the point. You're so dense, you missed out on a massive deal in that book. When Proust is young, doesn't he want to become a writer? Isn't he in love with the idea of storytelling?"

 Eren was quiet for minute before he gave a reluctant nod.

 "But then what?” Levi prompted, giving the brunet the opportunity to answer, but Eren merely shook his head, utterly lost. Levi rolled his eyes, muttering a curse underneath his breath. “He doubts himself, that’s what. He thinks that he won't be able to relate what he feels through his writing because he doesn’t believe he has the necessary skills to communicate with others successfully _._ ”

 Levi folded his arms across his chest, staring down at the boy as if challenging him to oppose what he had just said. The obduracy in Eren’s expression slowly faded away, returning his face to the blank canvas that could be so easily painted on, a canvas that most of the time displayed such a stunning coloration.

 "Proust, _bloody Marcel fucking Proust,_ thought he couldn't do it, so he almost gave up," Levi continued. "You’re _just like him,_ Eren. You've got to keep trying. And I’m sure your writing isn’t half as bad or insufficient as you think it is.”

 For a moment Eren just sat there, looking at Levi like he was some kind of revelation. Levi let his hand drop from Eren’s chin as he straightened up. The ticking of the clock on the wall was obnoxiously loud as he patiently waited for Eren’s response. The frustration that had scrunched up the brunet’s features had gone and his face was left smooth again, and the smile that slowly spread on Eren’s face was as welcome as the sun after a bleak, rainy day.

 "Are you saying that I can become the next Proust?"

 When Levi saw the playfulness return to Eren’s eyes he felt himself relax. A pleasant warmth bloomed in Levi’s chest as he gazed down at him, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

 "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, brat."

___________

 Levi’s fingers were splayed on top of the manuscript.

 He wondered idly when it had happened, tried to recall exactly when he had become irrevocably lost… Eren had entered Levi’s life like a flash flood, pulling him with him and immersing him in that vast, overwhelming ocean.

 … No, he couldn’t remember. At one point he had realised how completely submerged he was, yet, paradoxically enough, still able to breathe – somehow it was _easier_ to breathe, simpler, better… And he thought, maybe – to some extent – he had been able to help Eren, too.

 Eren was more peaceful now. Not even once, since they moved to Trost, had he snapped or been violent. Sure, he could be angry – and _really_ angry, too – but never like he had been before; the rage that could transform him so utterly had vanished. Eren couldn’t really explain it himself; he said that he had noticed its absence a few months into his writing; the embers that were always waiting to be stoked had been put out once and for all.

 Levi’s glass of wine was empty, and he was contemplating whether or not to pour himself another one when he heard the sound of a key in the front door.

 Upon turning his head, he saw Eren entering the flat. He didn’t see Levi immediately, being busy taking off his shoes.

 “You’re late,” Levi informed him as he sat up in the sofa.

 Eren visibly jumped at the sound of his voice. He dropped his bag to the floor and sending Levi a quick apologetic look he said, “I’m sorry, Levi.” - and he sounded truly sorry.

 Strangely enough, he said no more. Levi watched as Eren pulled off his jacket, curiously focused on the task, not once glancing in Levi’s direction.

 “What kept you so long? Your lecture ended two hours ago.” 

 Eren didn’t answer him. He was hanging his jacket on the wall. Levi could see that Eren was chewing on his lip, something he was prone to do either when nervous or uncomfortable. Finally Eren turned to Levi, who was growing a little disconcerted by Eren’s weird behaviour.

 “Are you all right? Did something happen?”

 “No, no – I’m fine,” Eren said hurriedly as he waved his hands in front of him in a dismissive gesture. He was standing in the hallway, obviously uncomfortable, while Levi regarded him silently, puzzled by this sudden awkwardness. After some moments of heavy silence Levi couldn’t take it anymore.

 “Please don’t tell me you’re fucking that professor of yours, ‘cause he’s fucking old.”

 The look on Eren’s face was priceless. “What – no!” he spluttered, face contorting in disgust. “Levi, that’s gross,” Eren groaned, unable to repress a shudder.

 Levi was laughing and was glad to see that Eren didn’t look so tense anymore as he started to make his way into the living room. He came over to where Levi was sitting.

 “What is it then?” Levi asked, looking up at his lover, mirth still evident in his voice. “Why do you look so nervous?”

 Eren was hesitant, a hand scratching at his neck. He met Levi’s questioning gaze only briefly before they fled away. “Well, I…”

 Levi saw the brunet’s eyes land on the manuscript lying on the coffee table, he saw them widen, he heard the almost inaudible intake of breath as his lips parted – and finally Levi understood.

 There was a pulsing in his ears. He was not sure if it had been there for a while or if he was only just now becoming aware of it.

 “I finished it,” he said and Eren turned his eyes upon him as if on command. His brilliantly green eyes were shining.

 “You did?” he said, voice more of a whisper than not, like he didn’t dare speak any louder.

 Levi nodded and reached for his arm. He had been aching to touch Eren ever since he had finished reading that manuscript. “Come here.”

 Eren let himself be pulled down onto the sofa. Levi heard him release a shaky breath as he seated himself next to his boyfriend. Before Levi could say anything Eren spoke.

 “I thought you might finish it today,” he said, throwing a look at Levi before continuing in a somewhat muted tone. “I stayed at the library for while after the lecture – I was a little scared, you see…”

 Although not as tense as before, the young student still looked apprehensive. Eren met his gaze, speaking with a sudden immediacy. “It’s scary, you know, when other people read your work. And this… especially this… Do you think I’m stupid?” he blurted out.

 “In general or in this particular case?”

 Eren’s eyebrows fell as he nudged Levi with his elbow, lips protruding in a pout. “Levi,” he complained. Levi dodged the elbow, but secured Eren’s hand in his.

 “Of course not, Eren – of course that’s not stupid,” he reassured. “If our roles had been reversed, I would have been fleeing the country right about now.”

 That made Eren chuckle. The sound was comforting and Levi found himself squeezing Eren’s hand tighter. When the tentative eyes finally ventured to meet his, Levi did not let them go; perhaps it was more like he could not let them go, those eyes had him spellbound after all.

 There was a strange feeling, something indescribable moving within him, an itch, a need of some sort. He couldn’t name it, exactly, but he knew it had everything to do with the green eyed boy sitting next to him.

 “You poured your heart and soul into that manuscript. If you weren’t at least a little bit nervous about that I would have thought there was something wrong with you.”

 His voice sounded strange, Levi thought. A little bit raw perhaps, or maybe it was only his imagination. The regular pulsing in his ears was decidedly not imaginary, though. Was he holding Eren so tightly because of the tremble in his hands?

 He was possessed by the need to touch Eren – to touch Eren more. Levi placed his hand on the boy’s slender neck, feeling the heat of his skin against his fingertips; Eren’s skin was always so hot to the touch. As Eren drew a shaky breath, Levi caught Eren’s lips parting, and they stayed parted; glistening with moisture in the soft lamplight.

 Eren’s voice was small, a little strained as Levi’s fingers caressed his skin softly. “So… what did you think?”

Levi couldn’t help himself any longer and leant in to taste those inviting lips. The kiss was reciprocated eagerly; Eren’s hand shooting up to feel the short hair of Levi’s undercut as he felt the older man’s tongue trail along his bottom lip. A shiver travelled down Levi’s spine as he felt the brunet’s fingers massage his scalp; he loved it when the brat did that.

Reluctantly he pulled away. Although he wanted nothing more than to continue, there were things he had to say.

 “I loved it. I don’t know much about literature but I loved it,” he breathed. Eren’s eyes were lidded; his hand had slid down to bunch in the front of Levi’s shirt. Levi leant back in to indulge himself with another kiss. “And I am so proud of you,” he concluded when they broke apart once more. He had to distance himself a little, the heat and the scent of his boyfriend was too distracting for him as he tried to control his senses.

 Eren, for once, looked more level-headed than he, where he sat upright in the sofa looking at Levi in stunned silence. His cheeks were a little flushed. For a moment Eren’s eyes went out of focus as he stared at something only he could see. “You know… if it’s good enough, I want to publish it.”

 His gaze returned to Levi; the intensity of it told Levi how momentous this was for the young writer – and it stunned him. For a moment his mind went blank as he felt the wavelengths of Eren’s emotion reach out for him.

 Eren was waiting for Levi to speak; it looked like he was holding his breath.

 “Publish it, huh?” was all Levi could say in the end; muted, lame. The only thing the response succeeded in was concealing the amount of discomfort Eren’s admission had awakened in him.

 Levi felt in need of a smoke.

 “I know what you’re going to say - ” Eren said before Levi even had begun to figure out how to handle this new development, “that it’s dangerous.”

 Levi wanted to tell him that yeah, it was fucking dangerous, and incredibly stupid, because no matter how you looked at it, that was exactly what it was. But for the love of him, he couldn’t, not when Eren was looking at him like that…

 “Well, it won’t exactly make you popular with the gangs in Shiganshina,” he said nonchalantly, not feeling nonchalant at all.

 “I don’t care,” Eren almost broke him off.

 Levi could feel his blood starting to freeze; the determination he saw governing Eren’s features was unyielding so he granted himself a brief respite from Eren’s s stare by closing his eyes. Running a hand through his hair, Levi released a long, heavy breath. It felt like he had aged ten years in the span of two minutes and when he spoke next his voice seemed to drag.

 “If the subject matter had been different, Eren, I would have given you my full support, but this… this is just asking for trouble.”  

 “Levi, please.”

 When he opened his eyes to look at the boy he saw Eren, hands clenched in his lap, shaking a little, a torrent of emotion in his eyes as he seemingly clung to Levi with his gaze. The sound of his voice lingered in the raven’s ears; although adamant it carried a trembling note that reminded Levi of his own agitation; the aftershocks that he still felt resounding within him.

 “I never got my revenge on them,” Eren said. “They hurt me, they hurt my friends, they used me – they used a lot of people – and they’re still doing that. I want it to stop. If I do this, then maybe… maybe I can make a difference.”

 In the absence of Eren’s speech there was silence. Drawing a deep breath, Eren took this as a queue to continue.

 “At first publishing wasn’t even on my mind. Writing was more a form of therapy, you know - a way for me to deal with my problems and processing everything that happened. And it helped me – a lot. Now I want it to help others, too…”

 Eren cast his eyes down. “Please don’t look so angry, Levi. I understand why you don’t like it, but this is really important to me. Besides, “ he shrugged, “it might not even be good enough. For all I know it might never be published.”

 Levi did his best to relax. Eren was obviously agitated enough by this and he didn’t want to make it worse. That didn’t change the fact that Eren was basically asking Levi to accept a wish that was equivalent to suicide. 

 “But I figure,” Eren continued, daring to look at Levi when his voice had gained more confidence, “I figure if it _does_ get published – and gets enough publicity – it might actually force the authorities to get off their asses and do something about organised crime in Shiganshina. Wouldn’t you like that too, Levi?”

 “No, I wouldn’t like that, not if it’s going to put you in danger,” Levi retorted brusquely, feeling that distant thunder rolling within him again, only more acutely now. Bottom lip secured between his lips, Eren was quiet, his hands clutching one another in his lap.

 It felt like a thousand voices were shrieking in unison inside Levi’s head, and yet he could not hear them, only feel the pressure building as the muted sound gained momentum to reach a deafening peak that he thought, surely, would burst his skull open.

 “You’re shaking,” Eren told him.

  _You don’t fucking say._

 “Why are you always so goddamned desperate to get yourself killed?” Levi snapped then, ignoring Eren’s previous comment entirely and finding his words to contain too little venom for his own liking; Eren still flinched at the harshness of his voice. “They’ll come for my ass, too, you know.”

 “I know – that’s why I’m asking you.”

 “So if I say no you’ll scrap the idea?”

 After a brief pause Eren said, “Yeah. If you’re not comfortable with it then I won’t do it.” It was a solemn vow, given with eyes shining. “We’re in this together, Levi.”

 There was something else in Eren’s expression, too, he saw. Levi couldn’t immediately put his finger on it, but it dawned on him shortly after – it was trust. That unflinching look was due to Eren’s trust in Levi. It was Eren trusting in him to make the right decision – the decision that was undoubtedly not sane, yet still very much the right decision. He was trusting in Levi to be brave – to be brave for both of them.

 “You’re a little shit, you know that?” Levi snarled, sending Eren a vicious scowl. “You’re a devious fucking bastard and you’re not even _nearly_ as innocent as you seem.”

 First Eren’s face scrunched up in confusion, before it broke out into a grin. “I never claimed to be innocent,” he said teasingly.

 “Shut up. If we do this we’ll be murdered in our sleep.”

 The sour face Levi put up had the exact opposite effect as Eren’s grin only widened at the sight, and Levi was annoyed that he couldn’t stay angry with the brat. Eren inched closer to him on the sofa, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on Levi’s lips. Levi was stubbornly unresponsive.

 “No we won’t. Besides, I won’t use my real name. I’ll use a pseudonym - and I’ll keep all the people I care about off the record.” Another kiss was pressed against Levi’s neck; he could feel the heat of Eren’s breath on his skin. “Don’t worry, Levi. If somebody breaks in here at night I’ll protect you.” Eren looked up at his lover, managing to look seductive even with that shit-eating grin on his face.

 “Oh, really now?” was all Levi said, voice dripping with cynicism; it lost some of its bite, however, as he peered down at Eren; his eyes overwhelming at such close proximity.

 Levi felt one of Eren’s hands trekking up his thigh. “Mhm…” he nodded, “and I’ll edit out the most sensitive parts. I’ll be careful.”

 Eren’s hand reached his crotch, where his fingers traced the outline of Levi’s cock through his pants. Suddenly Levi grabbed him by the wrist, halting Eren’s movements.

 “Are you trying to seduce me?” he said, voice threateningly low and his eyes boring down on the younger man. A second later Eren’s smile returned.

 “What do you think?”

 The increasing boldness Eren had been showing lately delighted Levi. Eren’s provocative tendencies thrilled him, and similarly Eren loved riling Levi up until he was pinned down and subjected.  

 Not breaking eye contact, Levi removed Eren’s hand from his crotch, instead pushing the brunet back on the sofa so that he could crawl over him. Pinning both of Eren’s hands above his head with one of his, he let the other snake up underneath the boy’s shirt. Levi brought his face closer to Eren and whispered, “And what about the smut, are you going leave that out, too?”

 The blush that spread on Eren’s cheeks was beautiful to behold.

 Levi’s tongue left a wet trail on the expanse of Eren’s throat. He could feel excitement build in him at the familiar taste of Eren’s skin. “I must say it came as a surprise,” Levi admitted. It would be an understatement to say that he had been a little frustrated reading those scenes.

 “I – I didn’t plan on it – suddenly I was just writing it and I couldn’t stop,” Eren defended himself from underneath the lithe raven. He was still blushing, but the look he sent Levi was without shame.

 Levi chuckled, leaning down to kiss the blushing writer. “You don’t have to explain yourself – I enjoyed it,” he whispered into his ear.

 When Levi climbed off of him he had to supress a snicker as he saw the look of disappointment on Eren’s face. Breath a little heavier than normal, Eren followed Levi’s example and sat up straight in the sofa, eyes following him attentively – he could obviously tell that there was something on Levi’s mind.

 “At the end there…” Levi began, looking down into his lap. He was frowning. “Right at the very end, you wrote something… did you mean it?”

 Eren looked confused before it suddenly dawned on him.    

 

>   _“And in that moment I knew that I loved him.”_
> 
>  

 “Yes,” Eren confirmed, voice a little hoarse. “Yes, I mean it.”

 Levi was powerless to stop the laugh that bubbled up to the surface. It felt so good; it was such a joy to feel it rush from him like that and he couldn’t take his eyes off that stupid, lovely brat sitting next to him, utterly lost, as Levi gasped for breath.

 “Oh my god – oh my fucking god. Who would have thought – who would have thought we’d end up here. It’s like some shit straight out of a bloody novel.”

 Eren glared at him. “No, it’s really not! You just ruined the moment – you’re not supposed to laugh when somebody tells you something like that!” he groused indignantly.

 “Shut up, Eren,” Levi snickered, pulling the brunet to him, “I bloody love you too, all right?” His lips descended to capture Eren’s in a soft kiss.

 “Yeah, you better,” Eren muttered, somewhat out of breath when they parted. The joy contained in his features was unmistakable; it made this jittery feeling appear in Levi’s stomach. It was ridiculous – everything about the two of them was ridiculous.

 It really was some shit straight out of a novel. Although theirs had not been a typical love story, Levi could not help the sneaking fear that told him that, if Eren really got his work published, they might have the tragic ending of one – but he refrained from saying that.  

 There was no use speculating about such things, as there was really no way of telling.

 After all, this was no work of fiction. They could not read ahead; they could not jump to the last page to see how it would all end. The next pages had not been written yet – they were blank, but waiting to be written by them, Eren and he, together.

 And they would surely be written; with more ease than before, more confidence, more audacity – a proof of what they had become and a proof of what they had _over_ come.

 Levi could not wait for all the chapters they had in store; the good and the bad ones alike, because finally, he would not be alone in experiencing them. And, he thought, the bad ones wouldn’t be so bad either; not when he had that green-eyed brat by his side.

 

_**Fin.** _

 ~~~ 

 

_"We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us."_

_― Marcel Proust_ [ _  
_ ](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/233619.Marcel_Proust)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there we are. 
> 
> There are those who find meta annoying, but I am not one of those people. I'm rather pleased about how it turned out in the end and I'm very excited to hear what you think of it! I have had so much fun writing this - but how weird.. now it's over..
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read, commented and left kudos and bookmarks - I find it amazing that you have invested time into reading these writings of mine. This has truly been a great experience and I'm very grateful to all of you lovely readers <3
> 
> It is very likely that I will write more Ereri fics - so don't you forget about me! 
> 
> Again, bless your faces. 
> 
> You can find me on my tumblr central-and-remote
> 
> \- Josefine


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